Assumptions

Have you ever talked to someone and just thought you knew what they were thinking? Have you ever saw something on someone that looked bad, but in the end, it wasn't what it seemed? If you did see something that looked bad, did you take the time to inquire about it before you made an assumption about what you thought was truth? Have you ever, without ever being told, assumed what someone was thinking or saying? How often are those assumptions accurate?

Be careful of what you think someone is thinking or doing when you don't actually know the truth. Its a trap and it hurts people. It wrecks relationships....be careful

Choice

For about a year now I've really had to live a life depending on God for my needs and he has not disappointed me. He brought friends into my life when I needed friends. He brought a church into my life when I needed a church. He brought people into my life who mentored me and encouraged me...and took the time to get to know me. He also removed from my life the people who were tearing me down and manipulating me into believing things about myself that were not true. Sometimes we really don't see God at work until we actually look for it.

In the midst of this, I've sat back and remembered that God has always allowed a simple luxury that we tend to ignore: choice or free will. Just as some people choose to walk down paths that lead to darkness, we have the choice to walk a path of light. We choose to obey God...we choose to trust God...we choose to believe in a being beyond all comprehension. Everything is a choice in life...we choose to love our spouses....we choose to love our families...we choose to love those who absolutely drive us crazy. Some of you might be thinking that you don't agree with this, but then let me ask you this question: Have you ever woken up and looked at your spouse and gone...oh man...what did I do? The truth is sometimes you aren't going to feel love for that spouse, or for that annoying family member that just always says the wrong thing. It's always a choice.

I just want to encourage anyone reading this to make that right choice in life. Make those choices in your marriages, in your relationships, in your daily activities. Choose to love and choose to give.

I have another choice coming soon and thats whether or not to leave Columbus and go elsewhere. I've chosen to trust God in guiding me to the right place and I'd really appreciate prayer so that all of the pieces that God has for me will just start to fall into place.

Real

Sunday Night Micah and I went to a large local church that was advertising as a miracle healing service. I didn't know what to expect really but I figured you know, I really want to see God move. I really do. We weren't in the building but 5 minutes when there was a man on the stage basically hawking the pastor's books and cds in a package to sell. The usher came out with handfuls of these packages and went up and down each aisle while he sold them to the congregation from the stage. This really upset me. If I was an unsaved man that walked into that church for the first time, the first thing I would have seen was a salesman on the stage selling stuff while the ushers were going up and down the aisles like they were selling hot dogs. Whats wrong with this picture?

Well long story short, for the next two hours we saw nothing bust bluster and show. Everything prayed for was general, with the exception of a choice few who got singled out over the couple thousand that were there. The pastor of the church came up on stage and just talked about the miracles he's seen, and how he believes in them. He showed a video testimony about whats already been done. When he was done talking, he turned the service over to another group who promptly sang like two songs and then their leader came up on the stage and started selling their CD. Thats when Micah and I left. We were there for two hours and what did we see? We saw a hungry congregation that was there and pumped up for God...they were HUNGRY. But we saw a service that was nothing but bluster and show.

Now I know my church does not do these type of services or even really move in this manner (in terms of miracles, healings, etc) yet, and I do stress yet, because I know in my core that God is only just beginning do his work through our church, but I can tell you this: When that day comes when an opportunity like that church had comes to our church I pray that we don't miss it. I want us to be as real then as we are now. Every part of that service was a show...an old-school example of showmanship and talk, with little to no action. You know what..I want action. I want every corner of our city covered under the light of our Living God. I want it all real! I want all to see who our God really is. He's not just words...he's action. He's not bluster...he's the real deal. God never wastes your time! However, I feel like my time was wasted when I visited this church.

All this being said, I'm in no place to judge, and my thoughts and prayers are with this church. They have great influence in our community and they can be used to turn Columbus on its head for God. Their pastor is a gifted teacher and is well-connected in the community. I can only imagine the potential of this church. So my prayers go out to this church.

As for me, I want it all, and I want it all to be real. My prayer is that all of our churches are real with our people. That way, when God does move in a service....when miracles and healings do happen...we can give glory to God and not to ourselves.

Hurt

I hurt someone special yesterday. It wasn't intentional...I didn't seek to hurt this person. I stayed up half the night wondering how it could have been avoided, and how I should have done things differently. This person is one of the most wonderful people in the world and deserves better then she got from me. She's a star that shines bright in the night sky that often seems clouded and I hurt that star. I also know that for the time being I had to do take the action that I took or it would have risked hurting her more down the road.

Lord, I know the prayer of Jabez was a bit of a fad a couple years ago, but I mean it here: Please build me Father so that won't cause anyone pain. I've been through of alot it and I know how it feels. I don't want to be the catalyst to hurt others.

Thank You

I hope that since I started writing this blog that I've been expressive in how thankful I am to others for being there for me in the rough time that was 2008. I also want anyone who has taken the time to read this blog to know that I although my writing is often times very serious...and I guess at times you could call it depressing, I'm actually living a good life. Its been a very hard road seeing the woman you thought to be the love of your life leave, but believe it or not I'm making it through.

I want to thank first my precious Lord, Jesus Christ for first saving me, and then rebuilding this broken man into someone who all of the sudden is not ashamed to call him King. Where I'd be without God in my life is absolutely clear: I'd be nowhere...or worse...dead. Thank you, Father for showing that true love does wait. You waited for me and You were ready for me when I came running. Thanks for my family for sticking by me and yet managing to stay as moderate as possible. It would have been easy to choose a side here, but you all did your best not to judge either of us. Thanks John for being the mentor I needed. Thank you Konan, Gary, and C3 Church for being that place I needed when my world fell around me. Thank you all of my friends whom God has brought into my life over the course of a year who have been supportive and loving. I needed that love and support. Thank you, Michelle for being so caring and understanding. You saw the diamond in the rough... Thank you, Laura for your sound words and for not judging me. I'm glad that we've managed to remain friends all of these years. Micah, Jake, Nathan, Nate, David, and Isaac...thank you! Thank you for that male brotherhood that was needed when I just needed someone to hang with. Thank you, Tim Buttrey for all the months you stood in agreement with me in all the prayer and fasting that was done in an attempt to save a marriage. Your counsel has helped shape my heart. Jane...thank you...you were an amazing prayer partner and quite the warrior as well.

There is one last person to thank...VJR...wherever you are.... Thank you for the years that you gave. Thank you for all the joys that we did share. Thank you for the experiences. Thank you for forgiving what you could. Thank you for helping to bring out the best in me. I hope that one day you'll see the fruits of all that has happened. While I now have to live this life without you, I rest assured that in faith I'll still spend eternity with you. I'll take that over this lifetime any day.

Overall, I'm just thankful for this life that has been given to me. While there has been tears, there is now great hope in what God will bring. Joy fills my heart in knowing that God has a wonderful purpose for my life.

For those of you who may be wondering...I chose to take the risk. Stay tuned.

Crossroads

Its was a year ago today that my ex-wife woke up and walked out the door. It seems like it was yesterday, but yet it also seems like it was years ago. I spent the better part of a year grieving, fighting, praying, and trying to live. I did finally move forward and met somebody pretty awesome, but yet something has been missing. I haven't really known what God has wanted me to do. I keep thinking he wants me to do certain things but yet I keep talking myself out of it. I stand at the same point I did as a 16-year-old teenager in high school: answer the call I believe that God has on my life...or go my own way. Back then my own way took me into the military. I ran from the calling God had for me and I've been looking back ever since. I understand that God still blessed me with the wife he told me I was going to marry (remember its not his fault we failed), and I got to see a wonderful world. He totally blessed me, but something was missing. There was an emptiness. I felt like I missed what God wanted me to do in my life.

Flash forward now...I'm 30...yes, I'm old. I feel a call of God on my life, but don't know where. I am again tempted to go back into the service and finish out my pension. I don't even feel comfortable in my own church anymore. I don't feel used...I feel like a ship with no rutter. I feel like I am not serving my God-given purpose. Tomorrow I was scheduled to go in an take a military test for an officer program. I emailed the recruiter and made a different choice: I told him I wasn't going. I told him I didn't feel the military was where I'm supposed to be. This time I made a different choice. I gave up the security of a pension and a guaranteed pay check for the unknown.

When at C3's leadership training last Sunday, I asked the guys to pray for me. Ever since then my heart has been stirring. I'm starting to see. While I still have no idea what God wants me to do there is a clarity that is beginning to form. I have a choice to make soon...a risk to go for. I have nothing to lose, but yet its still a risk...it's a huge risk. What if I fail? What if I misread what God wants me to do? What if its all in my head?

I'm leaning towards taking the risk. What do you think? If there was ever a need for comments...I'd definitely take them now.

Birthday

Its been awhile since I've written. Mainly its because I've been contemplating alot more. With my divorce now final, and me moving on into another relationship (a refreshing one, I can tell you that) there has been so much going through my head. Its my birthday now and it seems like the best time to write.

I turned 30 today. As I now look over the past 30 years its been hard to face what I've done, where I've failed. I was a catalyst in blowing up my marriage. I ran from God and his calling for eight years and I failed in so many opportunities to share the love of God to other people. I feel like a failure. I feel like I've failed those closest to me even now. It seems odd to celebrate what I feel to be 30 years of failure.

However, I'm choosing to celebrate a little differently today. I'm not celebrating my past 30 years. I'm celebrating the fact that I still have plenty more years, God-willing, to be used for the Kingdom of God. I'm celebrating getting through this past year where I lost my wife, was abandoned by others, and had to fight for my faith against those who labeled me a fool. I've lived through the greatest pain I've ever felt and I've lived to tell the tale. I'm celebrating survival...I'm celebrating hope...I'm celebrating a chance to serve God again. I'm celebrating a new beginning. I'm believing in faith that over time the scars will heal and that I'll be able to truly love again. I'm believing that today marks the date that God himself marked the calendar and said "Derek, my son, will be born on this day."

For those of you that have prayed for me or simply read this blog and got something out of it...thank you. For those have you who stood the gap believing that I would make it through...I did with all thanks to the Lord. Thank you... I dedicate this birthday to my God and those that allowed God to use them to be there for me. I appreciate it. Thank you...thank all of you.

Justified

Honest question...how many times have we used something someone else has done to justify our own bad choices? For example, a husband leaves his wife for another woman and blames it on his wife because he wasn't her priority. I went through that, and I've done it myself. We've all done it, but what does it really do to our lives? I believe that using that type of false justification only enables us to feel better about decisions we know we shouldn't make. I also believe that by justifying bad choices on other people's mistakes, we enable ourselves to avoid dealing with issues that need to be dealt with in order for us not to carry baggage. Thats why I don't believe its right for a wife to leave a husband because he got hooked on porn, or a friend to turn their back on another friend because they hurt them. In the end, the actual problems don't get solved and we carry them forward as baggage in our lives. We basically poison our futures. We base decisions on the baggage we carry. The truth is justifying a sin with another sin only leads to more pain and more suffering on all parts. If we face our problems, and handle them in a Christ-like manner, then we are justified in truth....God's truth.

Final

Its been awhile since I've written. The truth is that I really haven't known what to say. I knew my days as a married man were coming to a close soon and I didn't know how to express it. Today was our final court date. I'm now a single man. I'm still digesting all of this, but I just want to thank people like my friends Micah and Gary, and relatives from Val's side of the family, John and Jane. I appreciate their Christian mentorship.

I'm not sure what is going to happen from this day forth. I'm hurting alot but I guess it'll get easier. Ten years of your life is a long time to leave behind, but I have to if I'm ever going to be what God wants me to be.

Day Planner

I had an appointment to meet with a friend of mine whom I happen to respect a great deal last Thursday for coffee. We'd set that date almost two weeks before and I was excited. I also knew that due to my now suspect short-term memory I had stood him up last time we were supposed to meet. I'd like to use the excuse that it was the length of time from when we made the appointment till this time, but its not a valid excuse. I've always depended on my memory to remind me of all the little things in life, but I can't depend on it anymore. It wasn't until I was taking communion on Sunday that I remembered that I had stood him up. He didn't deserve it. So after calling and leaving a message apologizing for my second screw up...I decided to get a little material help: a day planner. Who would have thought that I'd wait till I was almost 30 to get one of these. I guess my point in all of this rambling is that sometimes we all need just a little help. If you need it...ask for it...go find it. Our greatest help is Jesus.

Someone special

Valorie's grandmother passed away today. She was someone who loved me regardless of the situation. She loved her children, grandchildren, and pretty much anyone who walked through her door. I'm sad that I can't be there for the family at this time. She was just someone special...

Judgment, Hypocrisy, and Friendship

A little over a month ago I had a friend that would on occasion comment on this blog about God and scripture, and actually was a very encouraging person to me. Well when everything went raw on July 24th, this person did something thing that caught me extremely off-guard. This person judged me...and then turned their back on me. This person just stopped associating with me cold turkey. What did I do that was so bad? I reacted just like any other human being does to heart break. I also spoke biblical truth about suffering...either self-caused or not. In short, this person disagreed with me and turned their back on me as a result.

I write about this now because I happened to stop by this person's blog and this person is thanking all of their friends for being there at a rough point in their life. This person has a huge paragraph in their blog about friendship and what it means...yet this person judged me during a snapshot period in my life and threw away a friend that prayed and encouraged just the same. Doesn't it seem just a bit hypocritical to you? How can you exhort your friends and be so thankful for them being there for you when you turn your back on a friend when you disagreed...in judgment no less?

In all of this...how are we supposed to act towards people? Are we supposed to judge? Clearly we are warned throughout God's Word with a resounding no. Are we supposed to love...unconditionally? Absolutely. As you read today, think about your friends...your enemies...those who are just your acquaintances and love them...don't judge. Take the time to put yourselves in their shoes and think of what they are going through. We aren't here to judge...thats God's job. We aren't here to spit in the face of God by being hypocrites. We are here to love....we serve God by loving him...and the people he created. In essence...Christ calls us his friends, and likewise we should treat all people with love and respect...like friends.

As for this person who was my friend...I don't know why things went the way they did. However, I do believe that God is doing wonderful things in this person's life, and I will continue to pray for this person. This person's story is going to rock the world of many and I thank God for that.

Hello Again!

I haven't written in awhile and perhaps for good reason...or maybe not. There have been steady changes as I go. Ever since I let go of my marriage and started chasing God, he's been showing me things...and blessing me with things. Recently something else happened...I'm not sure I want to talk about it, but its something that has shaken me to the core. Its in a good way too. Its just really awesome how sometimes we don't understand why things go the way they go. On July 24th, I could not understand why things went the way they went that day, but now I am understanding it. And for that I'm thankful!

Oh yeah....August 16, 2008 Angels 4 Indians 3... my buddy Micah and I at the game. Oh and btw....he has been an amazing blessing of God on my life. I'm thankful for this friend.

A weeks worth....

I promised pictures from the ballgame last weekend and I'll post them eventually... I like have some other things to say. The last month or so has been rough. Following the disappointment of the 24th, I lost a friend and wondered what to do next. I decided to seek God with everything I had. He hasn't disappointed me. He's brought things up in me that I thought were long gone from my life and now they can finally be dealt with. He's done something else in me...I smile, I crack jokes, I laugh.....I love. In all of my years with my wife, I had a sense of humor only she saw. I was usually very intense with people... God's mellowed that out of me. He's also been dealing with any residual anger I had buried for her. He's been a long road...but he is making me what he wants me to be.

I love Him so much. I'm so thankful for a mighty God who loves us.

Living Life

Well, in my continued attempt to enjoy the things God has allowed to happen on this Earth, I'm heading to Cleveland today after work to catch my first Angels game of the year when they play the Indians. This is my first game of the year, which is rare because I usually catch about 4-6 Angels games a season, but with my current situation as it is...its just my first this year. We're stopping at my parents house afterwards to sleep and then driving back tomorrow morning after church. This is the first time I'm bringing friends I've made in Columbus home to meet my crazy family. May the Lord have mercy upon them for that one.

Just picking up and doing things again is a bit foreign to me. It feels like I've spent so much time dealing in my own way with my wife being gone that I've missed out on many of the things I've come to enjoy and appreciate in this life. I'm going to enjoy this weekend with my friends and be thankful to God for bringing so many people into my life in a time when I needed them. I'll get some pics from the game. Go Angels!!!

Used

Most people don't like to be used. I do. I don't mean it in the sense that I'm running around doing everyone else's errands, but I love it when God uses me. Lately, God has been using what I've been through over the past 9 months to encourage and help others. While I can tell you that life has not been fun with this ordeal, seeing God use me has made all of the pain worth it. I love my God, and I'm thankful to serve. I'm thankful that he's using what happened for his glory. I'm so glad to be used.

Hero

Growing up in a home where my adopted father and I did not meet eye to eye, I've spent time over the years looking to other men and fictional characters trying to identify what I should be. As I fell away from the Lord, I identified more with humanities view of the modern hero more then God. I've long been a fan of Superman and what the character stood for...truth, justice, and the American way. When I played games, I looked for the definitive warrior that stood strong for what it believed in and fought for what was right. Anyone who has gotten to know me over the years knows that I've never backed down from what I believe in. I believed that I taught my timid and reserved wife to stand up for herself and stand up for what she believed in. I tried to be a role model for all the younger brothers and sisters that were growing up in my parents home. However, now when I look at it, I've looked at heroism and not acknowledged the greatest hero of all...Jesus Christ.

Jesus came to this world to die for not just one brother in battle, but for all mankind...and he did it while standing up for whats truly right. He did it while showing the greatest love of all to mankind. He's the true hero...he's the warrior that we all seem to sell short sometimes. He's the Son of our Living God who died for all of us. He's my Hero and I can't wait to one day embrace this Man and bow my knees before him. I live now to serve him. He's my Hero.

Communicate

What do you think happens when two best friends talk to each other less and less? I'd venture to say as the friends talk less, they grow apart. Its the same way in any relationship ranging from your relationship with God to your relationship with your spouse. In terms of marriage relationships, the whole men are from Mars and women are from Venus thing is true! Men think differently then women and vice-versa. The only way to bridge that gap is to communicate. God intended for us to communicate openly and honestly with our spouses. Its no wonder that when communication slips, a marriage slips. I know of one marriage where the wife was thinking of divorcing her husband for a year before finally telling him. He hadn't even seen it coming! She left him three weeks after finally letting him know. This is how important communication is. If we can all learn to communicate the way God intended us to, we can avoid ever being in those situations.

You Get Hit...

God speaks to us in many ways. He knows our personalities and therefore is able to pick out those things in which He is best able to communicate to us with. I'm a movie fan, and tonight as I sat in front of my television watching Rocky Balboa, He communicated with me. There was a part in the movie where a guy is reading Zechariah 4:6: "Not by might nor by power, but by My spirit says the Lord of hosts." (NAS, I think the movie version is different). Today, I riddled my mind trying to think of a way to communicate with my loved one, to get her to see this is a mistake. When something popped in my mind, I didn't go running to her and say it. Instead, I asked God to confirm for me that this was the right step. What I got was this message from him tonight, reminding me of His supremacy. We always try to find a way to do things ourselves, and odds are if I had run off impulsively and did what I felt I should do...I would have got hit instead.

There was another point in the movie that I believe God spoke into my heart with. Through a speech Rocky made to his son stating that indeed life is hard, and sometimes life is going to hit you hard and often, but its what you do when you get hit that matters. Do you lay down or do you go through it when you get hit? I realized that over the course of 9 months now I've been getting hit (some of which is a result my mistakes). I've been disrespected, ignored, and thrown away. However, I'm choosing to stand up, take the blows, and trust God to use every punch and kick that I've taken and make me into what He wants me to be.

The question I have for you is what choice are you making? When you get hit, are you moving forward through it with God holding your hand, or are you lying there taking a beating?

Under 200

When I left the service, I went through a time called,"separation anxiety." Basically without the Lord and on my own from the service, I didn't have a purpose. It didn't help that I struggled to find a job. I ended up deciding to go back to school instead and I also stayed home alot gaming and finding other ways to waste time. My wife didn't know how to deal with me and I didn't know how to deal with it either. I developed a stomach disorder called GERD, which is basically chronic heart burn and my weight had ballooned to almost 240 pounds when things got bad between us. Well the stress of the situation brought a weight loss of 35 pounds in a months, and ever since then I've stayed around 205-210 pounds despite not being able to eat the best diet. However, when going to see a doctor a couple weeks ago my blood pressure had dropped from like 135/90ish to 117/69. This morning when I stepped on the scale, my weight read 199 pounds! The Lord has granted me amazing health considering what I've gone through over the past 8 months. Its a blessing to actually say that. In spite of all the hurt and pain, He still takes care of me. He still takes care of anyone who lets Him.

About a Month

It really hit me over the past two days that my marriage will be over in about a month, unless of course, God intervenes. All the years together...in New Jersey, Italy, Maryland, and Ohio. All the places we visited...all the pictures that we took....all the memories we made gone. Despite all the pain I've been through since she left, and yes its time to admit (as if you couldn't tell by my words) the separation was her choice, I can tell you that I regret nothing about our marriage, even my mistakes. Why? Well, because God has taken the opportunity to bring me to him and build me into the man that I was always supposed to be. I still have hope for a wonderful miracle, but even if it doesn't its okay. I lost the love of my earthly life, but I was given eternal hope in a God who always will love me...for eternity. What happens in about a month is just a small point in eternity.

Alone

Sometimes it seems as though we face trials alone. When we feel alone, we tend to get discouraged by pretty much anything...from a piece of mail, inaction in life, or a thought about mistakes of the past. Thats been me for the past day or so. I got home from work with a piece of mail showing that my car insurance bill has gone up a whopping 300 dollars for six months because my wife finally pulled herself off the plan. I then spend the night in a lonely house where I go to bed early wondering where this life is going and thinking about where my mistakes have taken me. But yet, when I look back at the post I just wrote I remember that I'm NEVER alone. He's with me, watching me, caring for me, forgiving me where others fail to, and simply loving me. I don't know what my future holds. Its scary to face it now, but I'm not alone and I'm thankful for that. I know he's using this time to build me...I just need to stand with him. We are never alone.

Peace, Prosperity, and Manny Got Traded

Well, in reference to the picture I posted...Manny Ramirez did get traded...but not to Green Bay for Brett Favre straight up. Manny's a Dodger. Good Luck Dodger fans!!

A couple days ago I was told to study prosperity in the Bible after talking about how Christians suffer, what churches preach, and all that jazz. I want to touch on this a bit.

John 10:10 speaks of Jesus coming to give a rich and full life. I'm thoroughly convinced that God desires for us to be prosperous in our lives if in fact we live and obey Him. However, if we are going to speak about some of the perks of being Christians, then we need to be ready to face what the world will give us. Every single day men and women around the world die for Jesus. People do suffer for being a Christian. Sometimes we suffer because of our own mistakes, sometimes its because of what people do to us, or sometimes its simply because we live in a world laden with sin. It doesn't matter how you slice it, if you are a Christian obeying God, He will prosper you, but that doesn't mean we won't face tribulations. My story over the past 8 months is well documented here. Some of the tribulations I've faced are a direct result of my sin, others have been because of another person's bad decisions, but regardless of these tribulations, God has prospered me. I have Christian men and women in my life who love me, pray for me, and whom would take a bat to the head for me if need be. These are true friends, not the kind of friend that loses interest in you or leaves you behind when they disagree with you. God has given me a job I enjoy doing, and placed me in a growing church that is really starting to see God move in it. He's stood by me even when I ask questions I'm probably not ready to hear answers to. He's forgiven me and given me a hope and a future that I can't fathom. Thats prosperity. Thats God working for good in our darkest moments. This is what happens in a Christian's life...he prospers us but allows us to face trials...and those trials make us into what God wants us to be: His servants, His warriors, and His most prized possessions.

Another thing I wanted to add is that I'm thankful for a God of Peace. Last week when things didn't go as I'd hoped, I was asking alot of questions to God, all of which remain unanswered. However the one thing I keep getting from God is: Be still and know that I am God. So I've decided to trust God, move on with the life he's blessed me with, and trust him with the shattered remains of a marriage that needs nothing short of a miracle to be saved. Today I was sitting in cube when I realized something: I was at peace...total peace. Thank you, Father. You've never given up on me.

Manny Being Manny

Well, I guess Manny is so unhappy in Boston he's shooting for Green Bay. I actually found this pretty funny, although I'm sure Red Sox fans didn't.

I Think I Lost a Friend Today

Over the last few days, I wrote some pretty strong words on this blog about my feelings surrounding my situation and how I believed we were supposed to be in Christ. I tried to actually clarify my heart on this too yesterday, but it seems that I may have pushed away someone I've grown to respect in doing so. I've had plenty of time to examine my words and pray about them. I've even asked a close friend of mine, who knows me pretty well, to go over the blog and tell me if I wrote something wrong. He noted one sentence at the end of "Vows" that he figured someone might misinterpret. I don't know if that was it. I tried explaining myself off-line and I'm not sure how that went down. So has anything I said been wrong? Does it seem to any of you that might read this that I'm going outside the word of God on anything, or maybe that I did blame God without me noticing? If you don't feel like posting a response here, please email me at dciapala@gmail.com. I'd like to know your thoughts. The truth is that sometimes what we write can be misinterpreted, or maybe sometimes we ourselves fail to write what we mean properly, or maybe its something theological. I really don't know. But I'm sad today...I think I lost a friend...

Selfish

Just how selfish are we? I was looking back through this blog, and I've realized that there is so much in here...about me. I know, I know...it's a blog...its supposed to be about my thoughts etc. However, there is something different there with this. I don't want things to be about me. I want to talk about God. I want to hear other people's thoughts on the faithfulness of God and just their lives in general. It's not about me. Even now I'm talking about me...so please lets switch gears: How are you today? How was your day? What is God doing in your life?

Word of Clarity

Hey all, a couple things I just wanted to note today.

A few days ago I posted about my feelings with what happened on the 24th. Please don't think I was blaming God for my wife not being there. I don't understand why everything has happened around the situation and while I know my failures as a husband put me in that position, it doesn't change me from wanting to know what God is up to with this or why things have been allowed to happen.

As for the change to warrior study...this isn't meant to be a tough guy routine. The truth is the greatest warriors for God in the Bible were the ones who bent their knees before the Lord. From David to Paul...they trusted God and allowed God dominion in their lives to use them. When I mentioned warriors on tv...I meant how characters are perceived as warriors because of their prowess in battle for glory and honor. While its fun to watch on tv, I'm more inclined to look at Jehoshaphat's faith in allowing God to fight for Israel in his armies stead. This is not a slap at history's great leaders, or the men and women who have served our country. I just mean that the warriors that God wants us to become are different. He takes our mistakes in life, and the resulting pain and uses it, if we allow him to, to make us stronger....more able. That's what is amazing about God's faithfulness he takes our tribulations, whether we caused them ourselves or not, and turns them around. This is clarified in Romans 8:28

"And we know that God causes ALL things to work together for good to those who love him and are living according to his purpose."

Basically, God can and HAS used the mistakes that I made to make me into a stronger Christian. And he does this for everyone who allows the Lord to do it. He worked it for good. I have my moments where I struggle, like last weekend, but he works it for good.

This is shown in Romans 5:3-5:
"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

These verses don't pick and choose what type of tribulations God uses to form us. It doesn't matter whether we caused them or not, God can and does use them to mold us. Its these things I refer to in talking about suffering and being a warrior.

In all of this, I'm thankful for a God that takes the very things that can destroy us and make us into what he wants us to be. He builds warriors from the ground up...like a potter with clay. That's what I want...I want God to take the sinner that I've been and build me into the kind of man who will never be ashamed of the Gospel. I want to be the kind of man who will pray unceasing...and praise God in all situations. That's the type of warrior for God I want to be.

New Start

Well, for the entire like two of you that might just read this blog, I changed it. I'm not done yet...but the actual emphasis is changing. I'm still seeking to be unshakable, but there is something else that is gnawing at me. We live in an age where the Christian church is picked apart...we're seen as zealots, hypocrites, and small-minded. The truth is we are at war for God. I want to start examining what it means to be a warrior for God. Do we have a code?

This change is also meant to signify I'm moving away from talking about my wife and my past. I've let her go as earlier mentioned. We'll see what God does with her and I'm hopeful for her, but there are other fish to fry now. Here's my question of the day: What does it mean to be a member of God's Army?

Trust Part Duex

A couple days ago, before the 24th...I acknowledged that I really didn't know if my wife was going to be there on Thursday. I proclaimed that I was going to trust God regardless. Well, since then its been a bit of an emotional and mental storm. Rebekah wisely implied that I was disillusioned, and while I disagree with her on that, I can see where she came from. What didn't happen on the 24th was only part of the story. The other part of it was an accidental confession I got from my wife on what she's been doing with her life. It tore me apart. The grief I felt in combination with Amanda's wedding made it difficult to even breath. I'm now at a crossroads with my life and here are the choices I've decided to make:

1. So much emphasis was placed on my wife...that stops now. I have a God to serve first and foremost. I want him...I want all of him that he'll give me. I decided to ask her aunt and uncle to take up the prayer burden for my wife in my stead. They love her immensely and I trust them to seek God for her everyday. I will still pray for my wife's salvation but I just can't place the emphasis on her.

2. I still believe that God has not had his say in my marriage yet, and even with an estimated 35 days or so left in it, God is never in a hurry. This marriage and my wife are his now... If there is going to be that miracle I'm hoping for, its my Father's hands. I will wait for him to provide the resolution here.

3. I'm moving forward. My wife is taking a path I refuse to follow her on. I love her...but I can no longer wait for her. God has big plans for me...he's given me abundant gifts to share with others. I'm choosing God and moving towards the plan he has laid out for me...with or without my wife. Part of that is the change in emphasis here. Rebekah, as mentioned before, you're talented with your blog and if you are willing, I'll take the help. Wait till you see where I'm taking this.

4. I said before I would trust God, and while this has hurt so much...I still trust God. I took a bullet the other day, and it hurt, but my God is still here. I will trust him eternally.

We are meant to be warriors...men and women of God who will trust him into eternity. He trusts us to seek him and pray. He trusts us to go into those dark places with a torch carrying good news and armed with the word of God. Trust is what it means to be a warrior for God. Thats where I'm taking this blog...what is our warrior code?

Purpose

I was looking back over this blog for the past couple days and I thought, man this is depressing. The truth is that its been a hard few days. However, the thing is while I really don't understand why God is allowing me to go through all this...there is a purpose for it. I wish I knew what it was, but I think its something big. For all of you who have taken the time to come here and get depressed by my recent posts, thanks for putting up with me. I've had time with the Lord just in prayer and reading, and while I have no more answers then I did yesterday, I'm okay. God is always at work, and while I've been forced to let go of what I hold dear...its in better hands anyways.

Sometimes we aren't expected to understand God's purpose in us, we're just expected to yield to it when it comes about. I yield.

Blog Name and Format Change Soon Coming

I'm going to be changing this blog soon. I'm not very good with design so if anyone out there wants to help...please do volunteer.

Vows

Today I went to see Amanda, my cousin through my wife, get married. She married a great kid who has hopefully learned from watching what I've gone through. It was odd as I watched people who used to greet me as family mostly ignore me as they filed in. A couple gave polite hellos, a couple people waved, and one person actually said hello by talking through a child. It was awkward and painful to be a part of. Watching Amanda and Nathan was beautiful and painful to watch. It was beautiful to watch two people who loved each other so much get married before God. It was painful because it was almost 9 years ago today that I stood in Nathan's place promising my wife I'd always love her and cherish her. It was painful watching Amanda make those same vows and remembering my wife make them to me. Over the years, I failed to keep those vows, and now so has my wife. I only find peace in knowing when I gave my life back to the Lord, I did everything I could to save my marriage. I still hope my wife someday remembers her vows to me and more importantly to God.

For Amanda and Nathan, I pray that they always put each other before themselves and God before anything. If they live by Ephesians 5, their marriage will be a rich and satisfying union. There is still hope for marriages and God doesn't let us forget our vows that easily.

Pain

I think it was around 6 pm last night when the whispers in my heart came. I started to understand that my wife was not going to show up. I believe it was the Lord gently preparing me for what was ahead. Basically, in my spirit, I knew. When I got there I simply stood there and hoped...and prayed. When 9:05 passed....I knew that I was going to have to sign those papers.

This morning I stood in front of a notary at Kinko's in tears signing away 9 years of marriage. I went to work and put my envelope with the papers in the mail. The clerk asked me if I wanted a tracking number, and I laughed and told her, "Ma'am in that envelope is my divorce papers, and since I don't want a divorce, I can really care less if the papers actually get there. So no, I don't want a tracking number." She laughed and said ok.

I called my wife and let her know I sent the papers in. She seemed happy about it. I wonder now how it can be like this. I've stood my ground, obeyed God, trusted Him, allowed Him dominion in my life...yet she's the one happy and getting what she wants. She actually accidentally told me about something in her life that hurt me even more. Somehow, I have to keep hoping and believing in his plan for my life. But right now its hard to do...all I feel is pain.

Trust

Well today is the day. I brought my wife the letter over a month ago with God's instructions to me. He blessed that day and ever since then its been a struggle to believe and trust what the Lord is saying. When I go to that park tonight hoping she is there, I have to remember its not about trusting her to be there, but to trust whatever it is God is doing. I'm doing my best to believe she'll be there, but I am trusting God regardless. His plans never fail and the letter was his plan...I just obeyed. For those of you maybe reading this blog for the first time, a little over a month ago the Lord had me bring my wife a letter asking my wife to meet me at the park tonight to talk. If she doesn't show, I'm to sign the papers she sent me. That was the most baffling part of the letter to me. God knows how much I hate divorce, but He told me to let my wife know I'd send the papers the next morning if she doesn't show. God is so mysterious sometimes...He had Hosea marry Gomer, Jeremiah walk around with a yoke around his neck, and He has me doing the one thing I've always said I'd never do...sign papers. However, I have to trust Him...I will trust Him...to whatever end. Lord, I trust you...even though I'm a little nervous and scared...I trust you.

The 24th....Our Anniversary

It was 9 years ago today that my wife and I got married. It was such a stressful day for both of us. We didn't have alot of money and our families weren't able to pitch in much for it so she wound up with a dress she didn't feel right in and a wedding that we both hoped would be more memorable. I'm hoping this 24th will be different. I'm hoping that it will be even more memorable. I'm hoping and believing for Godly intervention that hasn't been seen in my family for years.

Today is the day...the 24th... I believe in the work of my Father. I will trust in him.

Change

A few weeks ago, I was down in Cincinnati for a prayer meeting with some friends. I had the opportunity while sitting at the table there to share my story with them. After hearing about what I've been there and my feelings about my wife, one young man was particularly effected. He noted that after hearing me speak he knew there was no one in this world who could love my wife like I can. He then made a statement that shook me to my core. He said to me,"You are twice the man that I am. The love you're showing for your wife is making me look at my own marriage. Its made me realize how important my wife is to me." He got up and hugged and kissed his wife right away. Later this young man pulled me aside and thanked me for coming. He said that some of the choices he's made had started him down a path similar to mine and that my witness could very well have saved his marriage.

I've told my wife in numerous ways over the past 8 months that I'm different but it wasn't until that moment when I realized how different I was. Anyone who says people can't change don't truly understand what God can do. When I look at how I was with the fog that I lived in, I truly begin to understand the change that God has done in me. Its the same change that he can do in anyone who gives their heart to him. People can change...

What I Remember...

This journey I've been on the past 8 months has put many things in perspective. It's taught me about God's love...about forgiveness...about hope. Now as this section of my journey comes to a close, I've started to look back over the years and truly remember things. I'd like to tell you a special story if you'll take the time to read. This is one is about my wife. I hope the story blesses you as much as its blessed me.

I first remember meeting my wife in the 6th grade. My Aunt Tricia and her Uncle Larry were dating at the time and since both liked to spend time with the kids in the families, they took us all out to some historical site in Ohio. I don't remember it now...I was too busy being enamored with my wife, and yes, I was only in 6th grade. It was my sister, Diana and I, and my wife and her cousin that went. We had a good time in the park. My wife didn't notice me at all I think, but I remembered her. The next year she was at church camp. I remember trying to think of ways to talk to her...but I never could. It wasn't much longer that my wife and her mother moved back to Youngstown and started going to Highway Tabernacle for church. I went there from time to time for the youth activities and yet again...never could say much to her. We were linked by our families but I was shy and she had her own issues going on. She got into a church clique and I pretty much always had a girlfriend...but for some reason when I saw her, I stared. My heart skipped a beat. Even when we were in high school when we would barely say a word to each other, I always noticed her. I thought she was beautiful...and I still do.

One day when I was a junior in High School, I was walking to class and praying. I literally asked God who I was going to marry one day. I don't know what got me to ask him that question, but I did, and immediately he answered stating it was the girl walking right in front of me. The girl walking in front of me was, of course, my wife. I laughed it off and thought I was hearing things, but the Lord always seemed to remind me from then on when I was in school because every time I saw her after that...I imagined us married, even though we barely ever spoke.

We graduated and she went to college and I joined the Navy. I had a girl break my heart the following Christmas and it messed me up. I deployed for Europe and the Persian Gulf with that broken heart the following June. However, God is always working. My aunt was over her mom's one day visiting when my wife was also there. Tricia gave my wife my email address and asked her to email me because I really needed a friend. My wife later told me she pretty much rolled her eyes but emailed me expecting me not reply back, but I did...and what she thought would be a one time conversation became something else.

We began writing back and forth...soon we wrote everyday. It was in September that I realized I was getting feelings for her. In early October I wrote her and told how I felt. I was so nervous!!! She replied that she felt the same way. I started calling her when I could and yes...I fell in love with her without even seeing her. I proposed to her 4 days after I got home from deployment and she accepted. Even that story is a little funny in that the proposal came over the phone by a chance mentioning of marriage. We just knew!!! We were married the following July. I remembered then the promise God made to me about who I was going to marry. She didn't really seem to believe me, but I knew and I still know.

Over the course of our marriage, we did so many things together, and while I certainly made mistakes, hence the situation I'm in, we saw so many things and experienced what many people will never experience in a lifetime. I don't regret any of my time with her. A couple of people have asked me why I just don't give up on her and the truth is this: God made me a promise years ago that this would be my wife and while I laughed then, I'm not laughing now. He has taught me how to love and filled my heart with unconditional love for this woman. If I want to be like Jesus, I must trust him and see this through. I love my wife...more then I can even say. Its his word to me that I remember. I'd ask that anyone who has taken the time to read this pray for us as July 24th grows close. I hope you liked the story.

I Will Not Be Moved

By Natalie Grant
I have been a wayward child,
I have acted out,
I have questioned sovereignty,
and had my share of doubts,

And though sometimes,
my prayers feel like the mountain of the sky,
the hand that holds won't let me go,
and is the reason why

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart,
many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
that I have kept restored,
of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed,
that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see,
it's grace I'm standing on.

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved

And chaos in my life,
has been a badge of war,
and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But i will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved


Thats my heart at the moment...

6 Days...

Well, we all know what God did in six days in Genesis, so I'm hopeful for what he's going to do in the next six days for me and a certain lovely woman I miss so much. I'm not sure if I'm going to post like a countdown over the next 6 days or not, I just know that I have more of an urge to write now. Today was rough. Thoughts just popped in my head today about giving up and just letting it whither away. I found myself wondering if she doesn't show...how would that effect my faith, considering I obeyed God to deliver the letter to begin with. Its become a mental battle that is getting harder to deal with as the 24th grows closer.

I find myself wondering the opposite too...not about her not showing up, but when my wife does show up. How can I show her love? I don't think she truly understands how much she's been prayed for and cared about over the past 8 months now. She has no real idea how much I've changed. All I want to do is love her and care for her now. Its just a huge change. I just want her to know...

Usually this is the point in the blog where I write that nevertheless I'm hopeful and I'm believing, and while I am all these things, it doesn't fit. I'm truly nervous... I'm fighting to keep hope....fighting to keep believing in what the Lord has shown me. Six more days to go...

One Week

I find it amazing that all of the months I've been waiting for resolution with my wife is now coming down to one week. I'm feeling so many different things right now. I'm anxious....nervous...a little scared....hopeful. I find myself wondering if the Lord smiles upon me now. Is he pleased by route I've taken? Is he pleased with how much I love him? There is so much more then that boiling up inside me. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve the blessing of a miracle from God...and truthfully I don't. But its not about me...its about him and his glory. I'm humbled by that. Oh how I love Jesus.
Gotta keep waiting....one more week.

Stronghold

As a side note to my last post, I want to say that some of the hobbies I had were used by Satan to become strongholds in my life. Gaming became a lifestyle that lead me to take God and my wife for granted. There were still traces of my old addictions like porn still in my life as well. As much as I loved my wife (and boy do I still love her) those things held me back from showing her how important she was to me. They were strongholds in my life. I'm happy to report that since I threw the games away I haven't gone back. Even when my buddy tried to get me to play...I just couldn't do it. It wasn't my desire any more. The same goes for porn... I have not actively searched for porn since before my wife and I split. I run from it. These strongholds were broken by the true and living God. There is no other explanation.

Now the thing is there are strongholds virtually everywhere we go. We have personal strongholds, strongholds over families, strongholds over churches, strongholds over cities, and even strongholds over countries. These strongholds can be broken...we need to continually pray and not give up. I'm living proof that God does miracles. Keep praying, keep believing...never give up. Strongholds can and will be broken.

Hobbies

Of the many changes in my life that I've gone through over the past few months has been in my hobbies. When I was not living with the Lord, I barely ever read my Bible, didn't give my wife the time with me she needed, and basically was a big kid playing World of Warcraft and other games. I had 4 different gaming stations!! I had no real life. So what do I do now?

Now, I spend alot of time in prayer. I also read alot now. I've picked up guitar and started learning it as well. These are all things that are much less time consuming in terms of addiction and in terms of living with priorities. Prayer is a priority, and will continue to be. These other hobbies are just things I like to do...not things I feel like I must do. Basically, for the the first time in my life, I'm balanced. The only thing missing now is my wife. I wish she could see me now. I want her to see how my entire life has been changed by God...even to the point where he's put new hobbies in my life.

Hope

I remember living each day without true hope. There was always doubt as to where I would be in 10 years. When I left the service, I left my security blanket and I could not for the life of me find a job. I was hopeless and spiraled into depression. Now its two years later, and wow has God changed my life. He's given me vision and a mission. Last night, God gave me a clarification on what his mission is for my life. While I'd love to just blurt it out right now, I think its a better idea to keep it between myself, God, and a few of my close friends for the time being. I can tell you one thing: God's vision for my life has given me hope. I no longer have to wonder how I'm going to be used. I'm going into the ministry for something great, and I'm so thankful for it. Praise God for giving those who are hopeless their hope. Without hope...without a purpose...we all fade. Thank you Lord for giving me hope both personally and professionally.

Happy Birthday

Today was my wife's birthday. I called her early and left her a message. I prayed for her and thought of her often today. I never thought it would be this hard, even months later. I find myself wondering how I could love someone after so long and after so many things have happened. I asked God about that today. I asked him if he knew all these things were going to happen, why would he have us marry? It wasn't but a second later when it hit me like a brick. This has taught me to love...and love unconditionally.

When this whole thing first happened, I remember talking to Gary about all how much it had hurt me. I remember pondering what she'd done to me and I acknowledged and asked for forgiveness from her for my mistakes, but I still managed to make it about me. Thats not how it works! What about her feelings? What about the effects of the mistakes I've made? There are so many things I wouldn't consider at first, but now with a clear view I can see just how hard it would have been for her to see how much I truly loved her.

However, thats changed... Every thought or concern I have for her is for her well-being and her feelings. I have had to see what life would be like without her to truly understand what it is to love. It's not about me...its about her.

My Dear, if you are taking the time to read...know that I do love you. Happy Birthday.

So What Happened?

A little over a week ago I asked anyone who reads this blog to pray for the life-changing choice I was making. I said I'd explain later so here goes: A few months ago while praying for my wife, I felt the Lord place our anniversary date, July 24th on my heart. I did not know why he put it there, but I claimed that date. I initially thought that it meant that my wife would be home by that date, but now I don't really know. You never really know what God has planned till he does it. Over the course of the next few months I kept praying, and I eventually got some news pertaining to my wife that broke me. I gave up on her and tried to move on with life.

However, the Lord was having none of that and dealt with me about my wife. He eventually laid out a plan for me that at first I could not believe. He put words in my heart for one last letter to send to her. It made it known how much I loved her, and just how proud I was of your time together. I also told her that I know we both need a resolution to this. So I told her that on July 24th, at 8:30 p.m. I'd be at the park and I'd wait there till 9:00 p.m. If she shows there are no expectations...just to talk and move from there. If she doesn't show, I gave her my word that papers would be in the mail the next morning. I'm not expecting a movie ending out of this or anything, but what I am hoping for is an opportunity to start again. I also know that the Lord is not for divorce, so I have to trust him when it comes to those papers. Either way, my future is forever altered by the choice I made. One thing I do know is that I obeyed the Lord.

A week after I was told to send her that letter, I went to where she works at to give it to her. I had let my little sister borrow my parking pass for the place and I asked her for it back so I could use it to park. However, when I went to find the pass, it was nowhere to be seen. So I decided to park in hospital parking. When I parked I walked just inside the doors and was thinking to myself, "Ok, she's either in her office or at breakfast, where do I go, and I wonder if there is any way I can give this to her alone." Just as I was thinking that, I turned the corner and there she was!!! I backed away for a moment and let her walk down towards the cafeteria, and just chuckled at how amazing God was. If I had parked where I was going to park then I never would have caught my wife where she was. I went to the cafeteria and actually went in to speak to her twice. Both times I got cold feet and scrambled out of there. At that point I prayed and submitted the situation to God. I told him I know he sent me and to give me the strength to go for it. At that moment my nerves went away and I went in, and yes I actually caught my wife alone! I got what I asked for!! We small-talked for a second and I left. I left thanking God for the opportunity. He ordered everything just right.

There were some things I noticed about my wife this time around. The anger that I used to feel coming off of her was gone. She actually looked, for an ever brief moment, like she was happy to see me. I wondered what was happening with her. I asked God a little bit later, and he gave me an amazing answer. In all of this I now know the situation is in God's hands. I'm trusting him to find the best resolution for us in this situation. Whatever happens July 24th, I will trust the Lord.

Lonely

Well, here we are...two posts in one day. Its a rarity, I know. Over the course of 7 months I've spent plenty of time alone. Before this, I was never really alone. I went from my parents house, to my grandmother's house, to a berthing with 87 other guys in it, to living with my wife. For someone who has always been around people it's very lonely. I sit here sometimes wanting to talk to someone, preferably my wife, but alas I'm alone. My prayer used to be that God would get me out of this loneliness. Now I'm asking him to use it as a time to teach me and show me what he wants me to see. I pray that I won't be alone on this earth till I die, but if I am, I know at least I'll walk with Jesus in my heart the entire way.

Underneath...

One of my favorite movies (and what I believe to be the best comic book movies ever made) is Batman Begins. During the movie the female lead, Rachel Dawes, tells the protagonist, Bruce Wayne, "It's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you." Later, when Rachel asks Batman who he is, he repeats it back to her. Believe it or not, that quote from a comic book movie correlates directly with the Christian walk. While we can't do anything to earn our salvation we still have a responsibility to live a life that represents our savior well.

During those years where I basically did what I wanted to do that would include many times where I would lose my temper with someone in the car (yes....road rage. Hulk Smash! j/k), Or maybe I'd do something underhanded at work to get back at someone treating me poorly. I believed in God underneath, but what did that accomplish when I failed to represent him out in the open?

Even now, as I'm walking with the Lord, I need to constantly remember that as Christians, we have to act like it. We have to be the people of God we are told to be in James. We have to be the best examples for living in this world. Sometimes its by our example that someone asks about Jesus. However, sometimes the examples we see on television about Christians are the wrong ones. Anyone remember the person who bombed an abortion clinic in Florida years ago in the name of God? That memory has stuck with me. It's not the Christian that hides underneath that defines us, but our every day walk with the Lord.

For more on this, the book of James (especially chapters 1 and 2) is an outstanding source.

Validation

With today being Father's Day, I want to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day. When I was growing up my dad worked his tail off to provide for us, and I didn't really get the time I needed with him. We had separate interests and we just didn't get along. I joined the Service wanting to make him proud, and until today, I didn't know that I did. I was actually on the phone with him this afternoon when he told me that he was proud of the man that I'd become. It was an unexpected validation from him.

Pastor Konan actually spoke about validation today in church and the need that children have to be validated by their fathers. There was definitive truth in his statements that fathers are the gatekeepers for what is allowed into their children's lives. While I have no children and a marriage that, for the time being, is broken, I want to close any doors in my life that can lead someone down a path to which they should not travel. This morning, when I went up to the altar for prayer, this is what I asked God for. In the end, I'm seeking His validation. It was nice to hear from my dad how proud he is of me, but the true validation I want is from my Lord. He is the Father of all Fathers and his face is what I seek.

Please keep me in prayer as over the next day I take action in my life that will forever change my direction. I'm trusting the Lord on this, and certainly taking a leap of faith. I'll explain more later.

Late

Well, I'm late writing for many reasons. Most of the reasons probably aren't good enough. Here's my thoughts:

- My sister is still recovering. It turns out what happened to her was caused by the doctor she went to. Her sickness did not actually cause it. We're watching her closely. The entire family has grown much closer after that.

- My marriage is still as it was before. I'm still praying...even though I've struggled more recently. It's hard to have faith in a miracle when there are no signs of one. But then again...thats why its called faith.

- I fell recently. I made the decision to stand up instead of stay down. I can't fathom life away from the Lord and if I stay down...thats what happens.

- Pastor Jay Alford, from Youngstown, Ohio died a couple weeks ago. I'll tell you this: I've never met a more authentic preacher then this man. I'm glad to have been part of his church as a child. He was a gentle speaker, but the words God blessed him with would penetrate your very being. I'm happy to celebrate his passing just because I know he is probably hugging Jesus right now.

Its weird...life is filled with so much uncertainty right now....yet I feel peace. Thank you, Lord.

Happenings..

Well, my sister has pulled through for the time being. Thank you for your prayers. We're watching her closely.
I have other thoughts to post...but now just isn't the time. Maybe later tonight....maybe tomorrow. I just know I almost lost my sister. I'm thankful the Lord finds ways to step in. So thankful.

Pray

Please pray for my sister if you happen upon this page. She is in emergency surgery at the moment. Thank you.

Strength

My sister, Diana, has suffered from both Crohn's Disease and Colitis since we were in high school. In fact we almost lost her my senior year. For the past decade she has fought these diseases while still having 3 children under her roof. I wish I could tell you that she's made perfect choices in life, but that would be a lie considering the only person who ever made perfect choices in life was Jesus. I really wish I could tell you that sometimes when I've seen her sick that I've been able to remain compassionate towards her, but the truth is I've failed there too. Today I got word that Diana is in the hospital again. Her disease has damaged her colon so badly that doctors say it looks like it was shredded by Freddie Krueger. They don't really know what to do with her now and as her brother, I really don't know what to do either, except pray and ask for prayer for her. So if you can, please do.

In all of this, I don't think I've met someone with the God-given strength and resilience that my sister has. She is a survivor and a fighter. He has upheld her in his hand for years now. Hopefully one day the strength he has given her will be used to help others. I have to believe it will.

Tragedy

I remember being a teenager and my favorite musician or band was not Pearl Jam, Nirvana, or Will Smith (you know before he went Independence Day and all), but it was Steven Curtis Chapman. I loved and still do love his music. I grew up singing his songs in church and even did a couple dramas in church based on them as well. Recently when his song "Cinderella" came out I thought, "Wow, what a beautiful song," but this week with news that his youngest little girl was killed in a car accident the song seems almost bittersweet. Gary Fowler also lost a daughter a few years back, and when I've seen him talk about it, you can still see just that itch or longing he has for his little girl. I also lost a brother who was just a few minutes old. Life seems to be, at times, a tragedy. Why do these things happen? Why does a loving God allow such a faithful man like Steven Curtis Chapman lose his precious angel? Unfortunately none of us have that answer. When you think of all the people who died in the recent earthquake in China or the suffering that took place in New Orleans a few years ago, or even the starving people in Africa at this very moment sometimes its hard not to turn your head and blame God. Divorce, sickness, death...

However, I can tell you this: in spite of all these tragedies it is not God's fault, but he does grieve with us. While it's probably little consolation to the Chapman family and all the others I've mentioned today we do have one promise from God, among his many others, to cling to: "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28 King Jimmy Version

God does use these tragedies for good in the long term if we choose him. He isn't to blame, but he does love us enough to care for us in our hour of need. I can speak from the experiences of the past 7 months to prove that. To those who are hurting: you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Commitments

This past Sunday I was baptized in water at my church. I actually debated it for weeks and actually scratched my name off the list at one point before turning around and adding it again. I was very young when I was first baptized and I didn't know if I could get baptized again. Tradition would generally say once. However, I walked without the Lord for years. Also when I was first baptized I did not understand what the true commitment to him was that I was making. Now I understand what it is to pick up my cross. Its meant being accused, attacked, and in some cases, abandoned. I didn't understand it when I was young. That is why I wanted to do it a second time. When Pastor Konan mentioned that we could, I jumped at it. I wanted to reaffirm my faith in front of some of the very people who had seen me at my worst in the past 7 months. Pastor Konan himself noted during the baptism that he remembered meeting me in a coffee house last August and seeing the hard feelings I had towards the church and that it was great to see what the Lord has done in me since that day. I was actually very shocked he took the time to mention it, but at the same time I was happy to hear it. I realize that my commitment to the Lord has bared some fruit. I'm walking a walk that others see and that is a witness in itself.
I've made my commitment to the Lord. The line is drawn in the sand for me.

Forward

Seven months of retrospection have taught me something...that retrospecting is doing nothing but holding me back (or keeping me backward). For months, I've stood in faith, believing in a miracle for my marriage. For months, I've remembered good times and mourned over my mistakes. Where has it gotten me? Well, I still believe in that miracle, but I now truly understand what free will is. In mourning over mistakes I never truly forgave myself, and allowed others to lord them over me as a way to validate their own choices. I remember writing that post over a month ago about forgiving myself, and I've realized that if I had truly forgiven myself, I wouldn't torture myself about all the goofy things I did.

Its time I faced the truth - I made mistakes, but I'm forgiven. There is nothing or NO ONE that can hold that over my head any more. Recently, I learned that my name has been disparaged to members of the family and it hurt. My mistakes were twisted and used to justify another person's ill-advised choices. I had someone accuse me of horrible wretched things based on the words of another without that person even taking the time to ask me the truth. Does this mean I was innocent...no. At the very least, I'm a man who was guilty of poor timing. However, I stand before God a man that has been held accountable by him and forgiven for his sins. No more will I allow Satan or anyone else tell me how horrible a person I am because I made
mistakes. My sins are wiped clean.

Today, I move forward. Let anyone say what they want about me. Let anyone use gossip, assumptions, and opinions to say what they want about me. God knows my heart and he knows the truth. I can no longer be held accountable for mistakes that have been repented for and corrected. One day God will expose all the truths in my current situation, and I will be vindicated...in fact, I already am. I move forward today looking at a brighter future. I move forward knowing that Jesus died for me, and its my responsibility to pick up my cross. I move forward today knowing one thing... I'm free.

Marked

Have you ever noticed that we're marked by our experiences? The way we think changes, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. The way we operate changes. Our memories can effect us as well. It seems to be the case with me too. It more like I've either marked myself, been marked by others, or just plain marked by God. In fact, have you ever seen pictures of a person who has been cutting themselves? Thats what I feel I look spiritually. It seems I'm marked up throughout my body from all of life's experiences. It's like every time I go to a place my wife and I frequented or think of a time where we were in joy not dissension, I re-cut that mark.

Well yesterday's message at church was about legacies, and what type of legacy will we leave behind. I understand now that many of those marks are my legacy, and I just want God to use them for his glory. I'm hopeful that the Lord will use memories and experiences to build the character required to leave behind a legacy for all of those I touch. I hope my marks become beacons of light for those who are lost or brokenhearted.

Thoughts

Well the last week has been interesting. It's also been a struggle. However something I saw this morning got me thinking. My friend Gary and I were supposed to meet at Cup O Joe this morning to sit down and talk. We haven't had that opportunity to sit and talk for awhile and I was looking forward to it. However, as I was rolling over to go to sleep last night I did not realize that today was today and I forgot to change the alarm clock. I got a text from him and I immediately remembered. I felt horrible, and I asked for forgiveness. Right away he came back with forgiveness. Now Gary is married with children. He has his responsibilities at church and yet was taking time to adjust his schedule to meet with me. I can understand him being completely perturbed at me, and yet he forgave me in seconds. My respect for this man grew even more by his response. I'm thankful for my friend. I'm thankful for the forgiveness he gave me. When I think of all the unforgiveness I've seen in recent months its a blessing to see such a wonderful gesture.

This also reminded me of something else: I'm so worn out that I forgot what day it was. I used to do that alot when I was in the service, but I had my wife to keep me on my toes. Now I'm alone. I have to make myself slow down and remember to rest in the Lord. We all have to slow down.

I saw an article today about divorce that Gary wrote on his blog. It breaks my heart to see it. I hate divorce. I hate it with a passion as I'm heading through it. My thoughts are with these people.

What are People's Perception of Me?

I wonder what people see in me. I mean when they actually spend time with me. I used to have a spirit that would manipulate a situation, to try and control things, or to turn it in my favor. Yesterday in the midst of all the hurt surrounding some news that I got, I made a mistake. I blurted it out to someone who did not need to hear it...and really no one did. I tend to say that I think...and it becomes gossip. It turned the reason I had for calling that person, which by the way was something completely different, into a supposed attempt to, yup you guessed it, manipulate and control the situation. That wasn't the truth. But because I made the mistake, and I guess I've made the mistake a couple times lately of gossiping in a moment of grief, that person perceived my intentions as disruptive and hurtful, when in reality, I was trying to show that person love.

This is something I desperately need to work with God on. I don't want people to take a view of me that I'm a hypocritical zealot who talks about God's love yet sows, however inadvertantly, harm and discontent. Thats not who I am now. I stand for the cross. I live a life for the Lord now, but that does not mean I don't sin. I'm still flawed just like the rest of us, so please, if you have the time say a prayer for the person I hurt and maybe even throw in an entry with the Lord for me. I want to be seen as someone representing that shining city upon a hill and not someone who does not show God's love.

Alpha and Omega Enterprises

Well...despite of the hurtful news I shared earlier, I want to share this with you. Over the course of the past few months, the Lord has put in my heart to start a business. I tried to get going with a financial company, but because of my job it was something I could not do, however this new opportunity has been placed in my lap...and I've decided to faithfully go for it. So introducing Alpha and Omega Enterprises. This franchise working with Quixtar and LTD is meant to serve God's glory. This is my heart...especially as I'm hurting, to give hope to others. How do I plan on doing this? Well, I've decided to give 40 percent of the profits from the business to a ministry. I'm still praying about it, but I have it on my heart as to what its going to be. I'm going to discuss it with my pastor soon, and when I do I'll post it here, as well as letting you all know how you can take part and actually letting you know what this business does. My plan is to give 40 percent to start, and then build from there giving more as the Lord blesses it more. I ask for those of you that pray, to pray for it. Lord-willing, some of you will be customers soon too. :)

Betrayed

Its said that God doesn't allow things in your life that you can't handle...at least with him anyways. I guess in the coming days I'll learn the truth. Today I discovered that I've been betrayed by someone dear to me. There is so much anger and pain there at the moment, but yet I must now make a choice: Trust God or not. Throughout this ordeal, I believe I've been faithful to my Lord, and he has blessed me. But everyday it seems to get worse...how much pain must I endure? How much do I have to deal with? Do I stand the gap and continue to pray for this person? Or do I give up and walk away? I've let go and let God...and yet it seems to get worse. I dare to ask how much worse it can get. I will say this...please just pray for this person. I will never accept judgment from anyone for we've all fallen short. Please...just pray.

Meanwhile, I learn that a friend is struggling...and needs me. Oh Lord, how do I help someone when I need help too? How do I stand tall and keep my head high? I feel alone and abandoned, betrayed and destroyed. Oh God...help me...Jesus...help me. I can't do this alone. All of this being said...my God has done amazing things in my life in the past 7 months. I am content even with this loss...I do believe there is hope. Father, I choose to trust you.

Mortality

This may sound foolish (and it is) or even naive (which it is), but there was a time when I was not walking the Lord where I'd think, "Ok, if something is about to happen to me, I'll get right with the Lord." Something is definitely wrong with that picture. It's as if I magically thought that in a split second I could reconcile with God and eternity would be popcorn and puppies. The truth is that it's really about your heart anyways, and if I was even able to get something out to Jesus before I passed from this world it would have depended on my heart. Would it have been sincere or a way of avoiding hell? Regardless in many cases people just don't get that opportunity.

I got word today that my wife's aunt was killed in a car wreck sometime between this past Friday and Saturday night. Apparently her car swerved to miss a motorcyclist and wrecked. I'm not certain if it was instant. I don't have all the details, but what I do know it was quick. Now I have no idea how my wife is dealing with this news, but what I can tell you is that it makes me feel so very mortal to know I can be gone in the blink of an eye. I don't know where her aunt is right now and I think thats a sad thing to say. I hope she was right with the Lord before she passed. I guess the question I have for you is if the same thing happened to you and lets just say you didn't have that final opportunity to get straight with the Lord, where would you go if you died?

I'm so glad I answered the Lord's call. I'll never have to wonder about that question again and I urge you to make it so that you never have to answer that question. We get one shot in this world. There is no way around it. God's Word makes it clear and there is no way we can twist it: We get one shot. Make it count.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord"

Romans 6:23

Peace

The past few years of my life have been turmoil. I walked away from God, left the service, had all of my personal struggles including weight gain, depression, sin, and lost the love of my life. But yet as I've turned to Jesus, and put my complete trust and faith in him, there is this peace in my heart that I've never felt, even in my years with the Lord as a teenager. I don't know what is going to happen with me, nor do I know what my destiny on this earth is, but I do know that God has me in the palm of my hand. I do know that my savior is holding me up. He's making me unshakable, and I'm finally at peace. Praise God.

When a Brother Falls...

I have a friend that I've grown very close to over the course of my trial. His situation in life is similar to mine, he took on some of the very same goals as I did, and we both generally formed a brotherhood over the course of the past 5 months. About a month ago he started to crawl into a shell and push his friends away. As we are both in similar situations, I saw this as a bad sign, but he would not talk to me, wouldn't return calls (I felt like an ex-girlfriend or something), and he canceled times when we were supposed to hang out. I started to feel rejected as a friend, as if I'd done something wrong. I started to feel left again...the way I felt when my wife and I separated. So I started to protect myself and called him to let him know I would know longer attend a mutual engagement that we both took part in. He told me he expected that, asked how I was, and told me nothing more. We hung up.

Immediately I felt convicted to call him back, and when I did call him back something good happened. He came forward and expressed that he had fallen away in the past month. That he was not walking with the Lord and he didn't know how to get himself to get back. He shared himself for an hour, and it wound up opening up a door that was closing. I was able to be there for my brother when he fell. I know the Lord is working with him in his dark hour, and I'm thankful that God enabled me to be sensitive enough for my friend to be ready to help. So as I close, the question I have for you is when a brother or sister falls, are you ready and willing to help pick them up? I pray that when the opportunity comes again, that I'll answer the call...again.

Letting Go...

Most men are problem solvers...at least so we are taught. When the going gets tough, thats when we shine...thats the rumor. For the past 5 months now, I've been the problem solver. I've been the one seeking resolution....trusting God yes, but sometimes not enough to just let it go.
Today, I got an email from my wife that simply broke me down. Now faced with a decision...I've chosen to walk away and just let God be God. Sometimes men can't be the problem solver. Sometimes men can't fix the leaky drain pipe. But God can. So today I'm choosing to walk away. I'm choosing to put my hammer and nails down and walk away. I think I'll read a book...maybe pray a bunch...and just live. God wants us to live right? He wants us to simply trust him right? Well...I choose to trust him with my wife...this marriage...my hopes and dreams. I can't repair this...he can. I can't. I let go.

Living Life...

As we grow closer to God and learn just how much he loves us it also becomes apparent how much he wants us to enjoy the life he blessed us with. Life isn't easy...we face trials every day, some big and some small, but none of them are meaningless to God. As such, it's important to remember the things that God has blessed us. His love is insurmountable, and he wants us to live life in that love...sharing that joy and freedom that he gives us with other people. Live life...keep your head up, and stay strong. We are meant to live life in God.

Persevere

Paul was once the man named Saul who in legalistic fervor persecuted Christians. Upon meeting our Lord on the road to Damascus he submitted his life to God and became the man who authored a large portion of the New Testament. I find it interesting in 2 Corinthians to read about what Paul went through to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Acts captures some of his struggles, but to read Paul's words in 2 Corinthians echoes in me. In the United States, we go through trials, but Christians in other countries around the world die every day for their belief in Christ. Paul was flogged, imprisoned, stoned, and shipwrecked in the name of Jesus. People like Paul persevere. Alot of the time spent in this blog has been about my desire to be an unshakable man of God, but it's also been a place where I've talked about the loss of God's gift to me...my wife. I've had to persevere, but it's been no where near the struggle that other men and women face in the name of Christ through out the world. With this in mind, take your trials to the Lord in whatever situation you are in, and persevere. Just tie a rope and hand on. If these amazing Christians around the world can do it, so can we. Just give it to him, and allow him to walk with you through your trial.

What a Difference a Year Makes!

A year ago on Easter weekend my wife and I went home to Youngstown, Ohio to spend time with family and friends. I spent that Saturday night with my brother watching Mixed-Martial Arts, and my wife went out to spend time with her friends. The next morning we got up and drove home to Columbus instead of staying for Easter service. That's right...my priorities were so messed up that I didn't make sure my wife and I were in church on Resurrection Sunday. A year later, my wife and I are separated and living separate lives. This year...I was in church, and not just for the first service...nor just the second...but also for a third. I actually laid the dissolution papers that were sent to me at the altar, but wait there is more. You see this year, I was actually serving in our church, as an usher for all three of our services. This isn't to brag about myself or about my deeds, but it is to brag about where my Lord has taken me. I'm so thankful that he's restored truth in my life. I'm so thankful that he's built priorities in my life. I'm so thankful that I have a father I can run to at the altar, even on his day, and trust him with my deepest burden. Thank you Jesus. I'm smiling again...

Some Days...

Some days it's harder to maintain...and push forward.
Like today when I get the news to expect dissolution papers within a couple days.
However, if we are to be unshakable we MUST trust God. We must put complete faith in him regardless of the situation. How often do we do things without trusting him? How often do we run on impulse to make a decision without fully understanding that God probably has a better idea?
I'm choosing to trust God and his perfect will. I'm choosing to believe in his plan for my life. I believe that God is going before me and will never leave me. I believe in his will for my life, which includes my wife. Yes, I believe this marriage will be and is being healed as I write this. Why? Because I believe in a God who has ordained this marriage...I believe in a God who knows exactly how to communicate with my wife. It's about faith. I've had numerous Christians tell me to give up on my wife. They've told me its hopeless...they've told me that it's too far lost. My question is HOW BIG IS YOUR GOD? My God sees what is dead and makes it alive. If he can save the fallen race of men, he can save a marriage.
Some days it looks hopeless, but our hope is in the Lord and he never fails.

He Holds My Tears...

When my wife and I first separated there wasn't a day that went by where I didn't cry. I wailed before God. My friend Isaac told me I had this dark aura about me. Everyone knew there was something wrong with me even when I said nothing. It's now been approximately 4 months, and while I still think about my wife at least once every 5 minutes...and even though I still occasionally cry over her... I'm okay. The Lord has grabbed every tear in his hand...he's guided my footsteps...he's restored joy in my heart. Casting Crown's song "Praise You in this Storm," exemplifies my feelings on this. I will keep praising him. I understand that every time he's held my tears in one hand, he's made a way with his other hand. As I look at my life now, everything has been provided for...a job, a solid church, a supportive friends base, etc. Wow...he really did hold onto my tears.

Faith Declarations

When you get the chance pick up the book "Seven Declarations For an Unshakable Life," by Frank Damazio. It goes through Psalms 27 and finds 7 specific faith declarations David made in becoming an unshakable man of God. Here today I claim the 7 declarations found in the book:

- I will live life strong
- I will love God's House. (Go C3 Church!!)
- I will hold my head high.
- I will have an overflowing heart
- I will turn to God at all times.
- I will walk on a level path.
- I will not lose heart.

I will live my life for the Lord, and even as I believe my marriage will be restored, I know that even if it were not to happen, I will serve and love the Lord.

Look Deeper

Here's hoping that this post doesn't pop out in small letters like my last one. I'm still trying to figure that one out. But anywho...question for ya: Are you afraid to look deeper into yourself? Are you afraid of what you'll find? I had the sobering experience this weekend of understanding some of the core issues I've faced in the past. It hurts for a few...but when I think about how much I hurt my wife and others because of my lack of introspection, I realize I have to let that hurt go quickly and give my feelings to God. God has his ways of forcing us to see our shortcomings...and alot of times its not fun. I guess the question I have is why can't we just look deeper into our hearts before God has to put us in a position where we HAVE to face what's inside? Is it our egos? Are we afraid? Do we think we'll look weak? I look back not and realize if I'd been open and taken the time to allow God to work on the deeper issues of the heart I probably wouldn't be walking through the trial I'm in now. I urge you to have the courage to ask God to show you where you need work...and to accept what HE HAS FOR YOU. He who began a good work in you will complete it, but how you allow him to complete it is entirely up to you.

Prayer

"…The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. Elijah was a man just like us. He prayed earnestly that it would not rain, and it did not rain on the land for three and a half years. Again he prayed, and the heavens gave rain, and the earth produced its crops."

These words from James 5 exhibit the power found in prayer. Just a couple questions to think about: What do you think would happen if every Christian in the United States were to fast and pray for the upcoming elections? What do you think would happen if every Christian in the world would unite to fast and pray for the unsaved? For a more personal example, what do you think would happen if every Christian in my family would band together to fast and pray for my wife and I?

What gets in our way? Life does...if we let it. I don't ask these questions to judge anyone. I ask them because I want your imagination to soar at the idea of what would happen if we actually could pray and fast in these situations. Life does get in the way sometimes, but when you get the chance...please pray for your country and for those that are unsaved or in need. We believe in a big God and that big God can solve any problem.

Salvation or Self-Help or Both?

As a child I remember seeing my church as a place that sought to reach the lost, but also as a place where we sought self-help by DOING all the things that are supposed to make us grow. DOING is a strong word...it seems workmanlike, and in truth, it is. Now as I'm older, I'm seeing some churches actually turning away from seeking to reach the lost, and focusing on things that are really self-help sometimes even with the guy with the funky smile saying "You can do it!". Let's not forget Matthew 28 and Christ's commission for us to share the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Let's also remember that the Body of Christ isn't just supposed to be about keeping ourselves in-line through self-help tactics, but to help others grow. We must...I repeat...we must...lock arms and care for each other is we want to be unshakable. It's about God...and his glory...not about ourselves.

A Husband's Love

Love your wife as Christ loved the church. Give yourself up for your wife. [Ephesians 5:25]

As I've noted before I made many mistakes in my marriage. Failure to love my wife as Christ loved the church is definitely the most prominent one. Its now that she's gone do I even fully understand how much I love her. God literally pulled the blinders away from my eyes in the weeks prior to our separation, and now I completely understand what I should have been as a husband. No, I'm not beating myself up or anything like that, but I have learned my lesson. I do believe that God will allow me a second chance one day when I'm ready. In the meantime, like my focus last weekend was to be able to forgive, now this weekend it's for my wife, to take her to the foot of the cross and lift her up to the Lord. If you have a moment during the weekend just to pray for her, I'd appreciate it.

Full Armor of God

Yesterday was probably the worst day in months that I can remember in terms of being attacked spiritually. It literally felt as though I was being held down to the ground by some invisible hand. Thoughts of failure and temptation riddled my mind. I prayed...and prayed some more. Then texted David and asked him to pray. It was an ongoing battle as I moved throughout the day and it wasn't until I actually started my way home from work and get serious with God that it finally ended. I looked back later on as I laid on my couch just exhausted from the day and noticed that I had not put on the full armor of God yesterday. Ephesians 6 talks about it and its definitely a subject of many teachings in church as a child, but what does it mean to put on the Full Armor of God? Its made up of the Gospel of Peace, Belt of Truth, Breastplate of Righteousness, Shield of Faith, and the Sword of the Spirit (God's Word). What do you think it means by putting it on? This morning as I prayed I literally spoke out that I was putting the armor on. The truth is God gives us his resources to defend ourselves when Satan comes against us. So how is it sometimes we fail? Just something for thought. Only you can really answer that question on your own behalf. As for myself, I'll just be honest and say that is something I'm seeking the Lord about.