Well, this weekend was interesting to say the least. Jenn and I both met our soon-to-be in-laws and I must admit, it went well. I was pleasantly surprised at how welcoming her parents were with me. They even fed me! I’m just kidding. Of course they fed me, but they genuinely enjoyed getting to know me a little bit too. I really enjoyed getting to know them a bit, and by getting to know them, I learned a little bit more about how Jenn is built.
Jenn meeting my parents turned out to be a little awkward. The kids were unusually shy and my dad managed to be AWOL, but she did enjoy meeting and talking with my mom. My mom liked her and even noted that she’d never seen me happier. Jenn and I even sang our songs for Sunday morning for the family.
By the way, we did sing for her parents’ church. I guess we did okay. I was still a little nervous, but I calmed down when I realized there were no tomatoes heading my way. I also earned brownie points for the weekend for taking Jenn to Grandpa’s Cheese Barn. Among the important things to learn about her so far is that she likes cheese…a lot. Ha!
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Divorce
I’m a little frustrated to watch the news nowadays. Everywhere I turn, there is someone getting a divorce. It’s just so hard to watch. The most recent one I saw was with the reality television show “John and Kate Plus 8” on the TLC Network. It’s frustrating to read their reasoning as to why the divorce is “necessary” and how easily they are playing it off like it’s better for their kids that they split apart. That rationale just doesn’t make sense. It’s not like the husband is abusing the kids or his wife. There is no real reason to just give up. I don’t know what kind of people they are or what exactly they are going through and I definitely want to be careful not to judge, especially since I am divorced too. However, I question their decision to divorce based on a few thoughts:
- Have they forgotten the commitment that they made to each other when they married all those years ago?
- Have they even tried counseling? Judging from the statements they’ve made, I can tell you that the book and seminar “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs would certainly be able to help them there. It doesn’t seem like they are even trying. Seriously.
- Divorces affect your kids for the worse, not the better. It sets a poor example of commitment and leads the children to have to deal with parents who are often opposing each other instead of supporting each other. To try and say that getting a divorce is better for the kids is like saying that coffee is better for you than water. It’s just not true.
To me, if you really care about your kids’ welfare, you’d get your television show off the air, seclude yourself from the media, get counseling to repair your marriage, and prove to your children that a marriage is more than just words, it’s action.
I don’t mean to come across as judging. I’ve been there. I went through parental divorce and I went through my own divorce. It was worse than death for me, and it’s only taken God intervening in my life to get me to the point where I can love and trust again. I believe we have to fight for our marriages or else the commitment we made before God, family, and friends becomes absolutely meaningless. It seems people get married for the fun nowadays but are unwilling to help build something greater, and something greater is what God meant marriage to be.
Anyways, let’s keep that family in prayer, as well as other families. Satan seeks to steal, kill, and destroy, and where better for him to do that than within God’s created institution, marriage?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Songwriter
When I was a teenager I used to spend a lot of time writing lyrics. In fact, I used to have binders full of them. I’d work on putting music to them and I’d often sit alone trying to sing them through. I didn’t tell many people I’d written these lyrics. Only a couple people really. In fact, if you were my friend and remember me showing you my binders of lyrics, raise your hand because I don’t remember. I’m pretty sure I showed a couple friends from church, but for the most part, they were a hidden part of me. However, there was one song that I wrote right before I went to boot camp that was pretty special, and I showed it to my grandmother. She loved it and took a copy of it and taped it up on her study door. She never took it down, and as far as I know, it was one of her most treasured memories about me.
A couple years ago when my grandmother passed away, my aunt gave me a box of memorabilia that Grandma kept of mine. The song that I’d given her was on the top of the box. I read it through and wished that I could write like that again. I knew it was a pipe dream, so I put the box away and moved on, missing that part of who I was. I used to sing, and I used to write. Now, I could do neither.
As I began walking towards God again, I began to really see my passion for music returning. I asked God to give me back my voice, and I’ve started to sing again. I’m not sure how good I am anymore, but I did sing at that wedding in May and I think I sounded okay, even though I was a nervous wreck. Something else also happened: I started to write again. It came out of nowhere; I just started writing. I’d be sitting at my desk at work and the words would just come. Then last week, I was over at Jenn’s place, and we had just enjoyed lunch together. As she went back to work, I grabbed a pen and paper and started writing. Twenty minutes later, Jenn heard me singing the song I’d just written and walked out of her office, looking at me funny. What’s going on with me? A few days later, I was trying to remember how the tune went for that song, and I finally got it and sang it for her. Suddenly, she just got up and walked out of the room. As she was walking out I asked her what she was doing. She called back that she was looking for a way to record the song so I wouldn’t forget it again, and so that she could figure out the chords for it. What? This thing is decent enough to record? Apparently! Now my mind is constantly moving… there’s music in my mind and words flowing out of it. Where’d this come from?
(Incidentally, Jenn has long desired to write songs for God, though she’s never been able to. Now, she’s ecstatic that perhaps He’s finally answering her prayer by giving me to be her partner in such projects. Pretty cool, eh? Yeah, we’ll make a good team. But she still hasn’t bought into my plan to form a band together. Ah, well, give her time!)
A couple years ago when my grandmother passed away, my aunt gave me a box of memorabilia that Grandma kept of mine. The song that I’d given her was on the top of the box. I read it through and wished that I could write like that again. I knew it was a pipe dream, so I put the box away and moved on, missing that part of who I was. I used to sing, and I used to write. Now, I could do neither.
As I began walking towards God again, I began to really see my passion for music returning. I asked God to give me back my voice, and I’ve started to sing again. I’m not sure how good I am anymore, but I did sing at that wedding in May and I think I sounded okay, even though I was a nervous wreck. Something else also happened: I started to write again. It came out of nowhere; I just started writing. I’d be sitting at my desk at work and the words would just come. Then last week, I was over at Jenn’s place, and we had just enjoyed lunch together. As she went back to work, I grabbed a pen and paper and started writing. Twenty minutes later, Jenn heard me singing the song I’d just written and walked out of her office, looking at me funny. What’s going on with me? A few days later, I was trying to remember how the tune went for that song, and I finally got it and sang it for her. Suddenly, she just got up and walked out of the room. As she was walking out I asked her what she was doing. She called back that she was looking for a way to record the song so I wouldn’t forget it again, and so that she could figure out the chords for it. What? This thing is decent enough to record? Apparently! Now my mind is constantly moving… there’s music in my mind and words flowing out of it. Where’d this come from?
(Incidentally, Jenn has long desired to write songs for God, though she’s never been able to. Now, she’s ecstatic that perhaps He’s finally answering her prayer by giving me to be her partner in such projects. Pretty cool, eh? Yeah, we’ll make a good team. But she still hasn’t bought into my plan to form a band together. Ah, well, give her time!)
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Father
I understand that maybe I’m a bit late on writing this, but better late than never I guess. I’ve had time to really look back at how my life has changed since I became a Ciapala. You see, I used to have a different name until my step-dad adopted me when I was twelve years old. Before he made that choice to take me on as his son, I’d been through two separate father figures. One of them was abusive to both my mother and me before he decided to just leave his family. The second one was a good man who was overwhelmed and just made lots of mistakes with us. He later apologized to us for the things he did, and we definitely get along great now. However, that still left me without a dad. I had no one to look up to except Granddad and he was getting closer to passing away. (He did go to be with Jesus when I was 13.) Things changed when my mom married Mr. Frank Ciapala.
I remember when I found out that he and Mom were getting married. I was not happy at all. I was angry and didn’t understand yet another change in my life. Now I had to try and accept another person as an influence in my life. I went upstairs crying when my mom told me and hid in my room. Dad came over after work and my mom told him what happened. Instead of getting angry, he just came upstairs and knelt down in front of me. He asked me why I was upset and I told him. He smiled and shed a tear, at least from what I remember. He told me he loved me and wanted to adopt me. He wanted to be my dad. Then he hugged me. From that point on I was perfectly fine with the marriage and on November 8, 1990, when he adopted me, I couldn’t have been more proud to change my name. He accepted my mom and her three kids. He worked his tail off to provide, and in the process tried to give us a better life. I remember him taking me to my first baseball game. It was on July 20, 1991 at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh, and the Pirates lost to the Reds, 3-2. It was a great time and it was just the two of us. I’ll never forget it. I think my passion for baseball was born on that day.
Dad is flawed. We both are. We didn’t get along in high school and there were things that happened that we both regret, but we got it together when I joined the military and I know that he is very proud of me. I know he’s not perfect. In fact, I know that he makes tons of mistakes, just like me. However, I’m still proud to carry his name, and I believe that the day is not yet here where we will all see the best of him. So to him I say, “Happy belated Father’s Day.”
I remember when I found out that he and Mom were getting married. I was not happy at all. I was angry and didn’t understand yet another change in my life. Now I had to try and accept another person as an influence in my life. I went upstairs crying when my mom told me and hid in my room. Dad came over after work and my mom told him what happened. Instead of getting angry, he just came upstairs and knelt down in front of me. He asked me why I was upset and I told him. He smiled and shed a tear, at least from what I remember. He told me he loved me and wanted to adopt me. He wanted to be my dad. Then he hugged me. From that point on I was perfectly fine with the marriage and on November 8, 1990, when he adopted me, I couldn’t have been more proud to change my name. He accepted my mom and her three kids. He worked his tail off to provide, and in the process tried to give us a better life. I remember him taking me to my first baseball game. It was on July 20, 1991 at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh, and the Pirates lost to the Reds, 3-2. It was a great time and it was just the two of us. I’ll never forget it. I think my passion for baseball was born on that day.
Dad is flawed. We both are. We didn’t get along in high school and there were things that happened that we both regret, but we got it together when I joined the military and I know that he is very proud of me. I know he’s not perfect. In fact, I know that he makes tons of mistakes, just like me. However, I’m still proud to carry his name, and I believe that the day is not yet here where we will all see the best of him. So to him I say, “Happy belated Father’s Day.”
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Power, Love, and a Starry Night
This past Saturday, Jenn and I escaped the stress of post-engagement life and ventured out to Hocking Hills for a weekend of hiking and camping out. It was our first somewhat major trip as a couple and with it came certain stresses. It was also an opportunity for us to seriously seek God’s face for guidance as well.
So, we left Cincinnati on Saturday morning… oh, wait… we were both running late… so we left on Saturday afternoon. However, we put our sluggish start behind us and made our way up to Hocking Hills singing and working on our song that we’re going to sing at her parents’ church in a couple weeks. It was a fun time for me to just enjoy music with her. We arrived at about 3:30 and got set up. We chose to camp out at the non-electric area to get away from all the other campers a bit, but we gave up a large amount of space in order to have that isolation: literally, our plot was the size of my kitchen. (So, just for advice’s sake, stay away from campsite 84 at Hocking Hills State Park campground.) Anyways, we were off hiking by 4:00 o’clock and heading towards Old Man’s Cave. This was an interesting time for us. I’m sure Jenn wanted to see if I would be patient while she took picture after picture, and I had the opportunity to really see her in her element. You see, as much as Jenn is a city girl, she loves nature. It’s how she gets in touch with God. So it was just neat to see her in her element.
Of course, as we saw some of the sights there, we couldn’t help but think of how cool it would be to get married at a couple of these sites in Hocking Hills…
But in general, I just enjoyed being there with my girl. You see, while she’s the kind of girl that loves nature, I’ve never really been one to get excited about it. I used to just go to appease others. Maybe now I can see it’s about the company you keep because I was very happy to be there. In fact, I was looking forward to the trip the entire week! I’ll get more into this later but it’s just neat to see what God has done in me to change how I’m wired.
After the hike, we got cleaned up and headed into a nearby town, Logan. We found a little local pizza joint and enjoyed a delicious dinner together. The food was great, especially those heart attack-inducing breadsticks they served us. I think they used a stick of butter on those things! However, we had a great time and headed back to camp.
When we got back to the campground it was pitch black outside, so Jenn came up with the marvelous idea of watching the stars. We pulled out a blanket and laid it on our picnic table. She lay down next to me and within 10 seconds we saw a shooting star. The sky was so bright with stars, too many to count. I just lay there and marveled at God’s handiwork. I can’t believe we forget how big He is sometimes. Now I know why Jenn loves being out in nature so much, and I find myself wondering why I never noticed it before. Jenn fell asleep next to me as we watched the stars. It was one of the most romantic moments I’ve ever experienced. I truly love this woman.
The next day we got up, showered and sat down for some time with the Lord. We’ve been reading in Isaiah together so we just continued there. We prayed, and then we spent about two hours singing praise and worship. This had to be an interesting sight for the campers nearby, but we had a wonderful time worshipping God and practicing our songs. Have I mentioned that one my favorite things to do with Jenn is to sing with her? Afterwards, we packed up, ate, and hit the trails again. This is where I really believe God made our weekend.
We both had our thoughts going into this weekend. For me, as I’ve already written, I felt my insecurities were hindering me. But after spending time with Jenn this weekend, and having her express how deeply she loves me, I came to understand just how much these insecurities are affecting us. I’m learning that when you fall in love with someone and you begin that road toward marriage, you begin to allow that person to have power in your life. As I’ve struggled with insecurities, it has affected her, which in turn has affected me. In the end it becomes a cycle, and if not prayerfully and carefully considered, I believe it can destroy relationships. I honestly believe the talks that Jenn and I had out there in the woods on Sunday were ordained by God. We both left Hocking Hills feeling like we accomplished something. Personally, I felt set free from all the worries and concerns and truly able to love this woman while expecting nothing in return. I’m making a choice to finally let go of these insecurities and give them to God. I’m making the choice to love this woman unconditionally and to believe in the plan God has for us. I’m choosing to believe that we will honor the power that God has allowed us to have over each other and use that power to enthrone Him in the middle of our relationship. I believe that we two lovebirds will enjoy many more starry nights as we continue to pursue God together.
So, we left Cincinnati on Saturday morning… oh, wait… we were both running late… so we left on Saturday afternoon. However, we put our sluggish start behind us and made our way up to Hocking Hills singing and working on our song that we’re going to sing at her parents’ church in a couple weeks. It was a fun time for me to just enjoy music with her. We arrived at about 3:30 and got set up. We chose to camp out at the non-electric area to get away from all the other campers a bit, but we gave up a large amount of space in order to have that isolation: literally, our plot was the size of my kitchen. (So, just for advice’s sake, stay away from campsite 84 at Hocking Hills State Park campground.) Anyways, we were off hiking by 4:00 o’clock and heading towards Old Man’s Cave. This was an interesting time for us. I’m sure Jenn wanted to see if I would be patient while she took picture after picture, and I had the opportunity to really see her in her element. You see, as much as Jenn is a city girl, she loves nature. It’s how she gets in touch with God. So it was just neat to see her in her element.
Of course, as we saw some of the sights there, we couldn’t help but think of how cool it would be to get married at a couple of these sites in Hocking Hills…
But in general, I just enjoyed being there with my girl. You see, while she’s the kind of girl that loves nature, I’ve never really been one to get excited about it. I used to just go to appease others. Maybe now I can see it’s about the company you keep because I was very happy to be there. In fact, I was looking forward to the trip the entire week! I’ll get more into this later but it’s just neat to see what God has done in me to change how I’m wired.
After the hike, we got cleaned up and headed into a nearby town, Logan. We found a little local pizza joint and enjoyed a delicious dinner together. The food was great, especially those heart attack-inducing breadsticks they served us. I think they used a stick of butter on those things! However, we had a great time and headed back to camp.
When we got back to the campground it was pitch black outside, so Jenn came up with the marvelous idea of watching the stars. We pulled out a blanket and laid it on our picnic table. She lay down next to me and within 10 seconds we saw a shooting star. The sky was so bright with stars, too many to count. I just lay there and marveled at God’s handiwork. I can’t believe we forget how big He is sometimes. Now I know why Jenn loves being out in nature so much, and I find myself wondering why I never noticed it before. Jenn fell asleep next to me as we watched the stars. It was one of the most romantic moments I’ve ever experienced. I truly love this woman.
The next day we got up, showered and sat down for some time with the Lord. We’ve been reading in Isaiah together so we just continued there. We prayed, and then we spent about two hours singing praise and worship. This had to be an interesting sight for the campers nearby, but we had a wonderful time worshipping God and practicing our songs. Have I mentioned that one my favorite things to do with Jenn is to sing with her? Afterwards, we packed up, ate, and hit the trails again. This is where I really believe God made our weekend.
We both had our thoughts going into this weekend. For me, as I’ve already written, I felt my insecurities were hindering me. But after spending time with Jenn this weekend, and having her express how deeply she loves me, I came to understand just how much these insecurities are affecting us. I’m learning that when you fall in love with someone and you begin that road toward marriage, you begin to allow that person to have power in your life. As I’ve struggled with insecurities, it has affected her, which in turn has affected me. In the end it becomes a cycle, and if not prayerfully and carefully considered, I believe it can destroy relationships. I honestly believe the talks that Jenn and I had out there in the woods on Sunday were ordained by God. We both left Hocking Hills feeling like we accomplished something. Personally, I felt set free from all the worries and concerns and truly able to love this woman while expecting nothing in return. I’m making a choice to finally let go of these insecurities and give them to God. I’m making the choice to love this woman unconditionally and to believe in the plan God has for us. I’m choosing to believe that we will honor the power that God has allowed us to have over each other and use that power to enthrone Him in the middle of our relationship. I believe that we two lovebirds will enjoy many more starry nights as we continue to pursue God together.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Selfish
I wrote not too long ago about the insecurities that I deal with and how it seems to affect me on a daily basis. It’s botched up relationships, friendships, and has simply gotten in the way of some of my hopes and dreams for my life. Now with my recent engagement it seems like these old insecurities are rearing their ugly head again. It’s getting old, and to be honest, I understand that it’s becoming selfish.
When I let these insecurities get in my head it brings my attention back to myself instead of being able to give of myself to others, including God, my fiancé, my family, and my friends, etc. I hate that part of me and I want nothing more than to be able to purge that part of who I am. Why can’t I believe that I can be loved? Jenn obviously loves me or she’d never have said yes to marrying my sorry butt! It’s driving me crazy. It’s obvious that God loves me. I mean really, He’s blessed me all of my life despite all the times I’ve run from Him and despite all of my failures. He’s blessing me with a second chance at marriage with an amazing woman that adores me and is also very patient with me in spite of my shortcomings. Gah!! It’s so aggravating!
I don’t want to be internal. I want to be external. I need to love everyone around me and I can do that when I worry about myself. Jenn certainly deserves better than that. So as I work through stuff I’d ask you to pray for me and, as always, hold me accountable. I refuse to become my bio-dad.
When I let these insecurities get in my head it brings my attention back to myself instead of being able to give of myself to others, including God, my fiancé, my family, and my friends, etc. I hate that part of me and I want nothing more than to be able to purge that part of who I am. Why can’t I believe that I can be loved? Jenn obviously loves me or she’d never have said yes to marrying my sorry butt! It’s driving me crazy. It’s obvious that God loves me. I mean really, He’s blessed me all of my life despite all the times I’ve run from Him and despite all of my failures. He’s blessing me with a second chance at marriage with an amazing woman that adores me and is also very patient with me in spite of my shortcomings. Gah!! It’s so aggravating!
I don’t want to be internal. I want to be external. I need to love everyone around me and I can do that when I worry about myself. Jenn certainly deserves better than that. So as I work through stuff I’d ask you to pray for me and, as always, hold me accountable. I refuse to become my bio-dad.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Second Chances
Ever since my marriage fell apart, it’s been a long journey to wholeness. Along the way I’ve made some good decisions, some weird decisions, and some poor decisions. I’ve helped people. God has used me to touch many lives, but when I’ve gone out on my own, I’ve made poor choices and have sometimes hurt people I care about. I’m not proud of these poor choices, as I’ve already blogged. I’ve made bad decisions in dating, friendships, and in dealing with co-workers. And every time that I can remember, I’ve paid the price one way or another. Now here I am looking back over the past two months and thinking, “How on earth do I deserve any of this?”
I’ve already written about Jenn. When we met, I was sporadically dating and didn’t think much of it, but within a week I realized there was something about her that seemed to reach into my soul. I started to talk and spend more time with her and started to feel things I hadn’t been able to feel in so long. That really doesn’t mean a lot because it’s really just feelings, right? However, I started to do more than feel. I started to know. It was fast, too. Everything was a whirlwind as I realized while driving down to see her one day that I was willing to do almost anything for her. I realized I was willing to lay my life down for her. Up until this point, I don’t think I ever really knew what love truly was. Even when I was married, I don’t think I understood it. It’s more than a feeling. It’s more than just a moment. This is where I have some regrets… I’ve said and done things in the name of love in my past which I’ve come to realize just were not the case. I should have known better. I claim to know God, and GOD IS LOVE! In all of this, I’ve hurt people! Not just people I’ve had relationships with, but my friends! I can’t believe I’ve hurt people like this. Oh my…for anyone that’s reading this that I may have hurt, I’m sorry and I ask your forgiveness.
This is where I get down to the true subject here: second chances. As Jenn and I began to grow closer, she started to get into my heart like no one really ever has. Ok…let me stress that again. She started to get into my heart like no one ever has. This concerned me and I started praying. I also stopped talking to or dating anyone else. This happened probably within the first seven days of meeting her. She had me flipped upside down and all around. It scared me and I started praying. I literally started asking God to get her out of my life if she wasn’t supposed to be a major part of it because I saw what was happening in me: I was beginning to trust her. I was telling her deeper things than even my closest friends knew. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. But the more I prayed, the more I felt I should pursue. And the more I pursued, the more my heart grew for her. It was fast and didn’t take long, but I fell in love with this woman. It wasn’t just a feeling, but a truth. I saw that I was willing to die for her. I wanted to be that guy in her life, and I wanted her to be that girl in my life. I continued pursuing her, even though I knew she didn’t initially feel that same love. As I prayed, I grew more confident in what was going on between us. We became “official” and that was special in itself, but the growth continued, and out of nowhere, Jenn told me that she loved me. It was completely unexpected, but you could tell how true she felt in saying it. Talk about change, right?
Well, more change continued to come. Right before Jenn went out to California for her brother’s wedding, we actually broached the subject of marriage. By now I understood that I could one day marry her, but it was just a small thought in a grander scheme. However, when she left for California, I realized how real everything was. I didn’t just understand that I could marry her one day, but I realized that this girl was indeed the girl for me. I missed her presence in my life every day she was gone and I simply longed to hear her voice. I could tell that it was the same way on her end. When she got home, the subject became more real. Jenn is the girl for me to marry. So we talked a little more and then we actually went ring shopping. Trust me: during this time I was praying… I didn’t go into this blindly. The next day, I bought the ring…and on Friday, I asked her to marry me.
Okay, okay, okay…I’m sure there are quite a few people going HOLD ON…. Isn’t this way too fast? Are you sure about this? I know Jenn has been asked these questions, and even though no one has really said that to me, I’m sure someone has thought it. Well, trust me, it may be fast, but I didn’t rush. It may seem rash, but there was a lot of prayer and even some fasting that was involved. In the end, I simply understood that I love this girl and I wanted to spend my life with her, and I didn’t need the traditional 8 months plus to figure that out. Jenn is the woman I love, and I happen to be the man she loves, and we both understand what we are getting into. So if anyone here is concerned about the timing, thank you. Just understand that sometimes things can’t be explained with normal logic or tradition. Sometimes we defy all logic. In this case, the logical mind states that we are rushing, but the truth is there was no rush involved, just two people who understand that they don’t want to live this life without each other. You don’t have to believe what I’m saying; that’s fine. Regardless, marriage is a serious step that we are preparing to make, and we need your support, prayers, and knowledge to get it right.
Please understand that we both know this is our second chance. We both know this is a blessing, and neither of us is willing to risk that second chance. I don’t deserve this second chance, but instead God has blessed me with a woman that has surpassed every hope and dream I could imagine. So here’s to second chances. May we honor God with them, especially considering that without His grace, we don’t deserve them.
I’ve already written about Jenn. When we met, I was sporadically dating and didn’t think much of it, but within a week I realized there was something about her that seemed to reach into my soul. I started to talk and spend more time with her and started to feel things I hadn’t been able to feel in so long. That really doesn’t mean a lot because it’s really just feelings, right? However, I started to do more than feel. I started to know. It was fast, too. Everything was a whirlwind as I realized while driving down to see her one day that I was willing to do almost anything for her. I realized I was willing to lay my life down for her. Up until this point, I don’t think I ever really knew what love truly was. Even when I was married, I don’t think I understood it. It’s more than a feeling. It’s more than just a moment. This is where I have some regrets… I’ve said and done things in the name of love in my past which I’ve come to realize just were not the case. I should have known better. I claim to know God, and GOD IS LOVE! In all of this, I’ve hurt people! Not just people I’ve had relationships with, but my friends! I can’t believe I’ve hurt people like this. Oh my…for anyone that’s reading this that I may have hurt, I’m sorry and I ask your forgiveness.
This is where I get down to the true subject here: second chances. As Jenn and I began to grow closer, she started to get into my heart like no one really ever has. Ok…let me stress that again. She started to get into my heart like no one ever has. This concerned me and I started praying. I also stopped talking to or dating anyone else. This happened probably within the first seven days of meeting her. She had me flipped upside down and all around. It scared me and I started praying. I literally started asking God to get her out of my life if she wasn’t supposed to be a major part of it because I saw what was happening in me: I was beginning to trust her. I was telling her deeper things than even my closest friends knew. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. But the more I prayed, the more I felt I should pursue. And the more I pursued, the more my heart grew for her. It was fast and didn’t take long, but I fell in love with this woman. It wasn’t just a feeling, but a truth. I saw that I was willing to die for her. I wanted to be that guy in her life, and I wanted her to be that girl in my life. I continued pursuing her, even though I knew she didn’t initially feel that same love. As I prayed, I grew more confident in what was going on between us. We became “official” and that was special in itself, but the growth continued, and out of nowhere, Jenn told me that she loved me. It was completely unexpected, but you could tell how true she felt in saying it. Talk about change, right?
Well, more change continued to come. Right before Jenn went out to California for her brother’s wedding, we actually broached the subject of marriage. By now I understood that I could one day marry her, but it was just a small thought in a grander scheme. However, when she left for California, I realized how real everything was. I didn’t just understand that I could marry her one day, but I realized that this girl was indeed the girl for me. I missed her presence in my life every day she was gone and I simply longed to hear her voice. I could tell that it was the same way on her end. When she got home, the subject became more real. Jenn is the girl for me to marry. So we talked a little more and then we actually went ring shopping. Trust me: during this time I was praying… I didn’t go into this blindly. The next day, I bought the ring…and on Friday, I asked her to marry me.
Okay, okay, okay…I’m sure there are quite a few people going HOLD ON…. Isn’t this way too fast? Are you sure about this? I know Jenn has been asked these questions, and even though no one has really said that to me, I’m sure someone has thought it. Well, trust me, it may be fast, but I didn’t rush. It may seem rash, but there was a lot of prayer and even some fasting that was involved. In the end, I simply understood that I love this girl and I wanted to spend my life with her, and I didn’t need the traditional 8 months plus to figure that out. Jenn is the woman I love, and I happen to be the man she loves, and we both understand what we are getting into. So if anyone here is concerned about the timing, thank you. Just understand that sometimes things can’t be explained with normal logic or tradition. Sometimes we defy all logic. In this case, the logical mind states that we are rushing, but the truth is there was no rush involved, just two people who understand that they don’t want to live this life without each other. You don’t have to believe what I’m saying; that’s fine. Regardless, marriage is a serious step that we are preparing to make, and we need your support, prayers, and knowledge to get it right.
Please understand that we both know this is our second chance. We both know this is a blessing, and neither of us is willing to risk that second chance. I don’t deserve this second chance, but instead God has blessed me with a woman that has surpassed every hope and dream I could imagine. So here’s to second chances. May we honor God with them, especially considering that without His grace, we don’t deserve them.
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