Why Do We Do the Things We Do?

Its been awhile since I've written. Usually I can boil over more words then I can say, but recently my words have been few. I made a mistake a couple weeks ago that I'm paying for now, and I've been too ashamed to share it. I can tell you that as a result of it though, I stepped down from a role that I absolutely loved, and have sought to correct the issue. But the issue burns... Why do we do the things we do?

I've been through alot in my life, more then I can really ever say. I've been down the roads of abuse and abandonment, and I've walked down the paths of joy and love. I've gained much and lost plenty. However, in all my experiences I can't really shake why I did what I did. The truth is I don't know. God provided the exit routes. He gave me plenty of opportunities to run from the situation. I didn't do it for the same reasons that men do what I did. So why did I do it? Well, the only conclusion is that there is something deeper within...a monster I haven't faced. When faced with this I made a conscious decision to face it head on. I'm not going to risk whatever ministry God has for me. I'm trusting Him to tear whatever this is out of me, and heal the open wound with something new and pure. So I went to my pastor and confessed my failure. He stood behind me and talked with me and, to be honest, gave me love I did not expect. He also recommended a couple books for me to read, "Every Man's Battle," and "Wild At Heart." Both of these books have been recommended to me, and I pretty much blew them off. Not this time. I went ahead and told my pastor, as a sign of faith, I was going to pick up the books and get to work. I kept my word.

So I'm in "Wild at Heart" now...and let me tell you: It's jacking me up. So many things it pinpoints...especially with Daddy issues. Now I'm adopted, having been abandoned by two fathers. When he adopted me, we got along fine for awhile, and I certainly treasure all that he did with me early. I especially remember the first time he took me fishing...I even remember the month and year, May 1988. I remember that the Angels were in Cleveland playing the Indians in old Municipal Stadium and we taped the game while Dad and I went to Berlin Lake. He out caught me 8-4 in fish, and my Angels beat the Indians 8-4. I treasure that day still.

However as the years went on, Dad and I grew apart. He became engulfed in some personal issues and he and I didn't get that time together. We stopped getting along. As a matter of fact, one night when I was singing at church, we got into it badly. When we were done, I had no voice. By the Grace of God, I was able to sing that night and He didn't see it happen. When I left for the Navy, we were barely on speaking terms.

Over the years, my dad and I have come to an understanding. When I'm around he enjoys my company and we talk, but nothing deep. I've always felt like I never got his approval for anything in my life. That became apparent to me as I dug into "Wild at Heart." I never had his approval.

So today I called my dad, and I said to him, "Dad, I have an important question and I really need to know. What kind of man do you think I am?"

He said quickly, "You're a good man."

I said, "Dad, are you proud of the man I've become?"

"Yes, I'm proud of you," he replied.

Finally, I asked him, "Dad, what kind of man do you think I'm going to be?"

He stopped with a pause and said, "You're a better man then me."
With that he went to work, and I finally had something I've craved for all these years: my dad's approval. Now that I think about it, I've probably had it all along. After he got off the phone, my mom got on the phone and told me he had this proud look on his face. It means more to me then he'll ever know. I also know that I've already had my heavenly Father's approval.

One thing I want to add about my dad....he's a good man...He took in 3 kids with no thought. He did what he could with us. I'm forever grateful.

So I'm taking this journey now into my soul. I'm completely trusting God to dig out all these things in me that have torn me apart and held me back. I believe this is one of the first steps I had to take. The interesting thing is that God has an amazing sense of humor. Ever since this happened, he has been using me to speak life into even more people's lives then before. I think its His way of showing me that He's not done with me and that He's going to use me. I hope you all stick along for the journey. I hope you find something useful out of all this rambling for yourself. I pray that God uses my story....from today and in the days prior to touch your life. After all its at the end of our story that we find out everything, including why we do what we do.
He who began a good work in me will complete it.

Chasing the Lion

So I've been reading Mark Batterson's "In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day," and in the midst of reading it, I've been seeking God on what exactly He wants me to do. The truth is I've known for 15 years what he wants me to do, but the hows and the whats have been getting in the way. I did not know if God wanted me to stay in Columbus. I did not know if I should go elsewhere so I started taking class with the Ohio School of Ministry. I started applying for jobs in Columbus, Georgia, Florida, etc. Well, its become clear, and what I'm going to do is a huge risk, but I refuse to look back in 10 years and regret not going for it.

When I'm ready, I'll talk about it. A few people know what I'm doing and I'm content with that. However, I don't want anyone to try and talk me out of it, so I'm zipping my lips. I must do what I know God wants me to do...even though it scares me.

7 Miracles

So I've been reading (I know who would have thought it) Mark Batterson's "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day," and let me tell you he's dead on. I'm also slapping myself for like being the last one to read it because apparently almost everyone has except me. Ha! Anyways he said something early in the book that has me thinking "why not?" He wrote that he's been praying for 7 miracles to come true in his lifetime and he's believing for them and I thought, you know...that's pretty cool. So you know what....here's my 7:

1. For the salvation of person number 1.
2. For the salvation of person number 2.
3. That God would use me to touch 1 million lives. (Lofty number, but why not)
4. That C3 Church would play a role in the salvation of over 1 million people (ooh....lofty too)
5. That my entire family would come to know Jesus.
6. That I'll see Jesus before the rapture (nothing wrong with wanting to see Jesus)
7. That in my lifetime we'll see a revival of unknown proportions in our country.

Tell me what you think....and just for giggles...let me know if God has used me to touch your life....might as well start the tally now.

Unconditional

Today I had a bit of a bombshell dropped on me. It would seem that I learned something about someone I absolutely adore that I kind of knew but really didn't get it. When I found out, I went into typical Derek-take action mode and responded quickly, decisively, and unfortunately for me...badly. You see this person is a very special person to me. I've known her since high school...gees from the day we met we clicked. We even have nicknames for each other, and then life got in the way. We both went our separate ways and would just check in each other once in awhile.

While apart we both have faced many hardships. Most of mine, she knows....most of hers...she won't tell me. But after my ex left we rekindled our friendship and despite some drama, I've always gone back to her. She's my buddy and my best friend. She's also made much different choices then what I have and now I'm in a position where I've had to look at exactly my thought process concerning her.

Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm always quick to react. Very rarely do I take a step back and think about it. Sometimes it works well for me, and sometimes it doesn't. Today it did not work out well...my words did not come out right, my heart was not properly shown, and now my friend, who already trusts so few people as it is, seems to believe that my love for her is purely conditional. Well that couldn't be further from the truth, but perception is reality.

Jesus always loved unconditionally, regardless of what people thought of Him or how they treated Him. I want to be like that. I need to be like that. I want to be more like Jesus. He's the rescuer of our souls, and knight in shining armor that we need. I want to be like that. I want to be His representative to others. That's my prayer tonight...to become more like Him.

Tigger, as for you...I love ya....unconditionally.

Redeemer

This weekend marks a turning point in my life. If I were to rewind the clock back over a year, you'd definitely find someone who was hurting very badly, but most people didn't know or understand how deep the pain went. As I write this I want everyone to know that I don't mean this as a look at me moment, but as an opportunity to point to God and say, "Look at what God did."
After my ex-wife left, it got really bad. Sure, I'd go to church and put a smile on, but underneath I was devastated. It felt like someone had taken a stake and driven through my heart. I felt empty and I didn't care about living. I woke up each day because I had to, not because I wanted to do.

I was actually working door to door at this time because I was basically forced to take the first job I could find. It was getting so bad for me that I was actually walking out in front of cars when moving from door to door. I wouldn't look the other way or anything. I just didn't care. It grew deeper to the point where I actually started asking God to take my life. I didn't want to live anymore and I didn't want to go home every night and cry over her anymore either. It culminated this past week a year ago. It was during this week that she came with members of her family to take what she wanted from the apartment. I let her take the bed and she took some other things she wanted. When she left that day, she told me to "have a good life." Foolishly instead of seeking my friends, I went back to work and tried to fight through the rest of the day. I made it through and slept on the couch that night...crying. Two days later, back on Ohio State's campus I was closing up for the day and at that point my heart had had enough. I got in the car and started driving to back to the office to drop my stuff off. As I drove, my mind began to spin with the memories of all the good things that my ex-wife and I did together, and then it began to spin faster with all of the memories of more recent times that were filled with total anguish. I began to weep and shake and I decided that I'd had enough.

As calmly as possible I turned my work in and I got in my car. I picked my phone and called my mother and told her that regardless of anything happening to me that I love her. She noticed the tone in my voice and began to freak out. I hung up the phone. I then called my friend Nathan and told him the same thing. I then hung up the phone and turned it off. I was a broken man without a care left and I was in a car by myself. I fully intended to end my life. I imagined myself driving straight into the separation that makes up the I-70 exit from I-270 on the Columbus beltway and began to head that direction.

However, as I write this I'm reminded of one of my favorite verses: Isaiah 49:16. This is a verse folks often times see me refer to. "Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands; You walls are continually before me." I had (and have) a God who was not going to let me go so easily.
I felt a check in my spirit and I pulled over and stopped the car. I turned my phone back on and there was two messages there. The second one was from Nathan. He was freaking out and saying if I did not call him back he was calling 911. The first one was from my mother. Now if anyone knows my mom, she's not the most affectionate person in the world. She's just not a lovey dovey person at all. However, on this message I remember very clearly her words: "I want you to know that the day you were born was the greatest day of my life. I love you." Those were the words that broke through...those were the words that God knew would get to me. The next day I woke up and started new again.

God did not give up on me. Because of Him working in the right people, I'm alive today. I was in class at OSOM (The Ohio School of Ministry) friday night, one year after it happened, praising God and just humbled at where life has gone in a year. I believe that since that day He's used me in quite a few lives. When I think of how I wouldn't have touched those lives if I were dead, I shudder. Sometimes we just live life and fail to truly understand the magnitude of mankind's fall. However God sent us His son, Jesus Christ to be our redeemer. He redeemed me in light of my sins and all of my hurt. He truly is Lord.

A Life Worth Living

For all of the two people that might read this blog, I'm sure that its astounding that I'm so open and raw with my words. I mean it does imprint on my Facebook, and it does mean that anyone and everyone can read it if they want to. It could completely change the way people look at me. However, I choose to look at it this way: What point is there to having an open forum to speak your mind if you aren't going to use it? In this case, I use it to share my faith in God and what he can do. I choose to use it to shred the ideas that Christians have this card board life that's all flowers, puppy dogs, white picket fences, and judgment. Christians go through the same heartaches everyone else does. They go through the same frustrations....they make the same mistakes... Whats different is that they still choose inspite of how hard life is to trust God, believe in His faithfulness and the redemption of mankind through the death of His son Jesus on the cross (and the resurrection afterwards). That also means that Christians are flawed...some do judge...and we all hurt others....because we are human. So tomorrow when I post something very special to me about this particular weekend in history, don't be shocked at the magnitude of what I say. Just understand as I write it that this is a life worth living.

Broken

I think we're all broken. Many of us will say we're not...that we're fine. We're not broken but yet we need a savior. Sound like we're broken to me.

I'm broken. Today I hurt people... I really did. I hurt someone who's gotten close to me by telling this person the truth. I hurt another person with pointed words that were true and honest, and most likely fair. However, in my being tired of getting hurt myself, I spoke into this person's life words that while very real, pushed the borders of our friendship.

Today someone hurt me... this person pushed me away and in spite of all of my efforts made a choice that will forever be with me.

This post might seem a bit weird...or off. But the truth is I've got so much swirling around me. I really need the Lord's help on this one. I really do. I can't do this on my own. I'm too broken.

What I've Noticed in a Year and a Half

Well, its been just about a year and a half since I started my trek back to the Lord. The following is what I've learned...noticed...or come to understand about myself, others, and God along the way.

- I'm 30, and still very naive... Some would say I have too much hope...I'd like to say I'm full of hope. I'm choosing to believe the best in people just as God believes the best in me. I think that gets me in trouble some times.

- I'm very persistent and I never give up...that too hurts me sometimes because not giving up on someone means enduring hurt in the process. I think it scares people away from me too

- I'm a serious and intense person. That seems to push some people away from me...but they don't really ever see the side thats a bowl full of laughter. Maybe I should let it out more.

- I'm passionate about what I believe in...which is God and His calling on our lives. I believe that Jesus Christ is indeed the Son of God.

- I think dating is officially a waste of time...I'll just trust God to bring that right person in my life.

- Marriage is never a waste of time....protect it, guard it, grow it, care for it. Without your partner, life will never be the same.

- Even your best friends may not be permanent. Treasure them.

- Even those very same friends might just take you foregranted (sp?) Even so...keep loving them.

- I hate it that some men in this world have forgotten what it means to treat a woman. Have we all forgotten about Chivalry? In marriages, what about Ephesians 5? Wake up, Men! Chivalry is not dead.

Theres more to this...when I think of it.