The Guitar

Photo credit: T.J., Wikimedia Commons

I once had this beautiful guitar. I bought it from my brother-in-law when I was at Ohio State, but I decided to put aside learning how to play it until I finished school. Unfortunately, that never happened. Just two weeks before I graduated from college, my wife left me. A couple weeks later, I felt an impression upon my heart to return the guitar to her brother. I believed it was the Lord telling me what to do, so I fulfilled the request.

The only problem was that I didn't want to give it back. I had already lost my wife, so why should I have to lose the guitar too? I was in a lot of pain, and the guitar would have been the perfect outlet for that pain. It hurt me to give it up. I didn't understand why the Lord wanted me to return it to her brother (I still don't know), but it left me feeling even more empty than before.

A couple weeks later, I went home to visit my family for Christmas. I was completely miserable. It was my first Christmas in years without my wife, and I was as lonely as I could be. I spent hours a day tearing myself down while everyone else was trying to support me. Nothing my family tried to do would work. There was no joy...no happiness...no hope.

When Christmas morning came around, I watched the family open gifts without much interest. Then my mother handed me a large box. As I unwrapped the present, she told me how Joel 2:25-26 kept running through her mind as she contemplated buying the gift. In the verse, God says the following: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten--the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm--my great army that I sent among you." (NIV)

I found a brand new guitar inside the large box. I burst into tears as I embraced my mother. I couldn't believe that what I had lost just days earlier had now been returned to me. Joy filled my heart at the gift that I knew that God had provided for me. Even though I never fully learned how to play the instrument, I spent many nights sitting with it in my arms passing the time away. When I practiced on it, everything else moved into the background. In those moments, I remembered how much God loves me. He literally re-paid me what was taken from me, and God did it in a way that made me feel important to Him.

I now believe that the guitar was meant to symbolize something else. I think God was telling me that everything else that I had lost would be returned to me. It's been four years since that Christmas, and I can tell you that the Lord has more than restored what I have lost. He's given me something greater. I'm re-married to a woman who I know will never give up on me, even when my own insecurities get in the way. We have a home together that's ours alone. Finally, we have a home church that loves us.

As I sit here this morning, I realize that I'm a blessed man. Despite all of my imperfections, God has blessed me. I know that sometimes I'm too blind to see it, but that doesn't change what he's done for me. It started out as a guitar, but it's grown into something far more wonderful than I could ever imagine.

What does it mean to be a Christian?

If you're a Christian, you have one responsibility above all others: Love God. How do we love God? Love His people. Jesus Christ loved people (believers or not) so much that he gave up his life for all of humanity. If being a Christian means that I spend my days shouting at people in judgment instead of loving them, then I want no part in it. Thankfully, that's not what Christianity is, but what some people make it out to be.

With this in mind, I've decided to write about a book about what it means to be a Christian. It's been on my heart for awhile, and I think it's the right thing to do. By writing this book, I hope to reach people not because I think I'm special or better than anyone else, but because I'm just as flawed as everyone else.

What is my purpose?

The biggest question I've been struggling to answer in the past four years is "Who am I and what is my purpose?" I've fallen back on the passions that have been in my heart since childhood to help me stand, but now I wonder if there isn't more for me to do. I love to write, and I'm hungry to get in the classroom and help mold young people, but I'm still restless. I hear my Master's call, but I can't quiet my mind enough to figure out what He's saying. Well, that's not entirely true.

Almost a year ago, I stopped writing the book I was working on. I was actually close to finishing it. Well, I was almost done with the first draft anyways. I put it down because I was scared of it. I also allowed sports writing and school work get in the way. Yet, it lingers in the back of head. It calls out for me to finish it. Moreover, it calls out for to seek God's face, which I need to do more of. I need to be more open about my walk with Christ. Most of my writer friends probably have no clue that I'm a Christian.

I guess in all of this confusion in my head, there is so much I don't understand. If there are all of these different passions in my heart, what is my true purpose? What am I designed to do? What am I supposed to do? I'm about to turn 33, and I feel like I'm starting over brand-new.

While I wait for these answers my prayer is that God will make me into a man after his own heart. Father, please do this work in me. Make me into a loving, caring, patient husband. Purify my heart, and make me new every day. Through you alone can I find my way.

Amen

Five Months Later…

It’s been five months since I’ve written here. It’s not because I didn’t want to write, or because I found better things to do. I simply found more things to do. Here is a look at the past 180 days in the life of Derek Ciapala.

A.    I finished my first semester at Xavier in May. All three of the classes were for my language arts licensure, and they all were my biggest challenges thus far in graduate school. I’ve always been an avid reader, but I’ve never spent as time with my nose in a book as I did last spring.

B.     I started freelance writing last February. Since then, I’ve become a featured contributor for the Yahoo Contributor Network for sports. I specialize in international Soccer and mixed martial arts, but I also write NCAA and NFL football, MLB, NHL, MLS, and fantasy football. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to write about what I love, and I’m very grateful for it.

C.     Summer classes were easier, but still time consuming. Jenn and I have been struggling to find time together ever since. Writing didn’t become a problem until I was forced to start writing more…and why did I need to start writing more? That leads me to…

D.    In June, JPMorgan informed our office that the transfer agency has sub-contracted out to U.S. Bank, and that we were all losing our jobs in November. They later pushed it back to December. December 31 will be my last as a JPMorgan employee. Jenn and I see this as an opportunity for me to finally reset after what’s been a rough few years. I’m going to finish school and keep writing to help support us. However, I’m concerned that I’ll need to find more work.

E.    Throughout all of these changes, I’ve struggled to really keep my walk with the Lord. There are so many distractions that seem to demand not just my attention, but Jenn’s attention. We definitely need some prayer backup.

Overall, our faith is being stretched and molded each day. Thanks for reading. I’ll check in more often.

Why am I doing this?

Ever since I started Grad school, I've wondered why on earth the Lord would have me do this. The English classes were more than I bargained for, and quite frankly, I would have rather been at home with Jenn. However, I was reminded of the Lord's reasons this week when I began my first class in the education portion of my masters/licensure section. Both days I've been to class this term have done nothing but excite me. Thanks, Father! It was a nice reminder.

The Struggling Man

When I went through my divorce, one of the first issues I had to deal with was how to be the godly man a wife needs. The truth is I failed miserably in many aspects of that marriage, and now that I’m remarried I struggle to figure out what to do in many situations. Sometimes I can’t decide what to do. I just sit there paralyzed, trying to figure out what action to take. What do I say, what do I do? How do I do what’s best for Jenn to show her love?

A husband’s love is supposed to be sacrificial according to the Bible, but what do you do in situations where making the sacrifice feels like you’re doing more harm than good? I know, I know, prayer is supposed to be the answer, but to be honest, sometimes I pray and I don’t feel as though I’m getting an answer. Of course, I know that isn’t true. I guess in many ways I’m just struggling under the responsibility of being the husband that God calls me to be. I’m afraid of failure. I don’t want to ever hold Jenn back from God or anything that she’s driven to do. As always, prayers are appreciated.

And So It Goes...

It's been awhile since I've checked in though you'd think it was because of my grad school schedule, or maybe because it's tax season and we're overloaded at work. I'd like to say that's all it is, but truthfully I've been lazy with the blog. Not that it really matters because it's my blog anyways and who really cares if I write? Yet, the truth is I miss sitting in front of my computer thinking of interesting things to say about God. I guess I've been in a dry spell.

I suppose it's because I've let other things in my way of late. I haven't really worked out how to balance God with marriage, job, and school. I can't blame it on the freelance work I've been doing, because it never really takes me long to write anyways. The truth is just that I haven't been pressing in on the Lord like I should be.

The past 36 hours have been a reminder to me that despite the fact that I struggle to remain faithful in my relationship with Christ, He never fails to remain faithful in his relationship for me. When I had my fender bender yesterday it felt like the world was crashing down on me, yet no one was hurt, the damage on my car was manageable, and I had plenty of people who showed me grace including Jenn and our friends. These people are people who the Lord has brought into my life for a reason. In the end, Jenn and those friends pointed me towards the Lord.

In other news:
A. School is coming along. I have plenty of reading to keep me busy and my papers are coming up soon. Spring break is coming up and I'm looking forward to getting ahead those days.

B. As I mentioned earlier, I've started freelancing. So far I've written three sports articles and two articles about the shuttle program. Here's the link: http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/963492/derek_ciapala.html

C. We could really use some prayers for our finances. We're trying to get everything straight and we've worked hard, but every day life tends to get in everyone's way and we're no different.

My prayer for tonight is simple. I just want him to make me a better man. For all of David's flaws, God called David a 'man after his own heart.' Well, that's what I want to be. I want God to describe me the same way.