Vulnerable

I'd like to tell you that I've lead a pretty easy life with most things going as I'd hoped they would. I'd like to tell you that every risk I've ever taken has worked out and that I've been able to do amazing things because of them, but none of these scenarios are true. Life hasn't been easy. At times its been difficult and very painful. It's caused me at times to be paralyzed with fear and to be unwilling to do anything risky. It's about being vulnerable in front of other people...and in front of God.

I can remember back when I was in high school and I was scheduled to sing at church on a Wednesday night. I was pumped about singing for God in front of my friends and my parents, especially my Dad, because he was going to come watch that night. He never came to watch me sing. However, that night we got into a horrible argument and I lost my voice midway through. When it was over I did not know how I was going to sing that night, and now my dad wasn't going to come anyways. With tears in my eyes, I made myself vulnerable before God. I asked Him to get me through that night. Without Him I was going to be embarrassed and heartbroken. The song that I was singing was a very stressful song to sing. I really did not know if I was going to be able to sing it and I was scared. The thing is I did sing that song in front of all those people, and I didn't do it alone. I had the aid of my Father that night. It was one of the best performances that ever came out of my mouth. You see that is what happens when we take risks and allow ourselves to be vulnerable before a Holy God.

As the years went on, I stopped doing that. I was always a risk taker and by me not taking risks and trusting in the Lord...even when vulnerable, I was losing my identity. Over the course of 9 years of marriage, I lost my identity completely. I was left fearing loss and taking no real risks at all. I was tired of being hurt and left behind. I had no self esteem. When thinking of the man that I became, it doesn't surprise me that my ex left me behind. I was nothing like the Derek that she once knew.

Then I remember a sermon Konan preached back in January 2008 called Chasing the Lion based off of Mark Batterson's book, "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. It teaches about taking risks and going after the opportunities that God places in front of you.
God got ahold of me through both the book and Konan's teaching...and taught me about risk. He taught me about true vulnerability. He washed me clean and restored me to what I once was...the risk taker. Thanks to that restoration, He's used me in the lives of others and helped me become more like Him. The thing is now, the stakes are getting higher. Recently my life has changed dramatically. Old doors have closed and new doors have opened. There has been some heartbreak in the process but I've weathered the storm. I've taken risks in getting a roommate, buying a new car in this economic situation, and allowing my heart to open up to others despite the fact I'm scared to death of getting hurt again.

Yesterday, after prayer and just some soul searching in general, I took the greatest risk of I've ever taken and now I'm mortified of what I've done. I'm now so very vulnerable and I'm not sure how to deal with it. The risk is so great but so is the reward...man...the truth is I'm vulnerable now more then I've ever been. I guess I just have to trust God...He's a pro with vulnerabilities.

*By the way, don't call or email to find out this one. This is going to be close to the vest for awhile, but I would appreciate your prayers.

Car

I realized recently that my car was dying. Maintenance was piling up on it and it was becoming a concern that it would hold me back from taking part in events that I wanted to take part in. I've taken to simply thanking God that it got me to work all the time. However, after a recent oil change I knew I needed to buy a car soon. I also knew that I wanted to buy new. I wanted that car to be mine from the beginning with no history to it. It's been in the back of my mind for awhile now. I just haven't had the courage to go for it.

Today was a normal day. I was on my home from work on I-70 and saw a sign for a Toyota dealership and I remembered the ad that was on the River 104.9 for them. I figured I'd stop in just to look around. I wanted to see what was going on. I felt like I was being pushed to go there...so I went. When I got to the lot I felt completely at ease about it. I talked to a dealer and we first started looking around at cars. I started asked more pointed questions and inside I started praying. Originally, I was only going to lease. In fact, when I went inside I started talking to the dealer about leasing. I prayed and while the dealer was away for a moment I called my mom. She was very persistent about me not getting a lease. When the dealer came back, I told him to check on buying. I prayed some more...and more, and I finally negotiated the dealer down to almost the same payment I would have been making had I leased it. I agreed to buy the car and was sent over to the finance guy.

While talking I saw an opportunity and made the statement, "This car is about my faith more then anything." He looked at me and said, "I'm curious, why do you say that?" I looked him in the eye and replied, "Because buying this car in an economic time like this with me working at a job I just got hired at means I'm trusting in the Lord to take care of me." He looked at me for a moment and didn't seem to know what to say. I thought to myself, "Wow, where did that come from?"

I think tonight I had a divine appointment with that man...just to share a little bit about faith. When I bought this car, I didn't freak. I trusted God and I believe that having this car is peace of mind that I'll be able to go wherever God needs me to go on the drop of a dime. Making the payments will be close every month and I have to change my spending habits, but I understand what happened in that dealership tonight. The Lord was with me.

Patience

So anyone who has been close to me knows that I can be impatient. I actually used to be alot worse but life's trials have made me a bit more resilient. Still a recent example has me a bit frustrated, and as with any single guy...it's about a girl. There is someone in my life that I've grown to really like (ok...sounds so high school right?) but it seems that what I'm wanting isn't close to what she's wanting. My gut instincts are telling me...patience. My mind is telling me...do what I always do...press in (bad idea really). My heart, well my heart just likes the girl and wants her to be happy. It's hard to like someone and really want something, but then you have to know to be patient and trust God with it. That's my problem really. I keep saying I'm going to trust Him with my life, purpose, journey, relationships, and then I grab onto the wheel. When I grab the wheel it becomes more like I'm playing bumper cars then riding in a car. I think I'm more of a control freak then I realize.

I need more patience with people (like that girl who happens to be very special) and I need more patience in my God. He's never failed me...never will. He'll work all those things out in my life. Psalm 27 reminds us to wait on the Lord...and of course we all know that Paul said that "He who began work in us will complete it." I know I'm asking for trouble on this one, but I'm going to go ahead and say it. My prayer for today is that the Lord would give me more patience. Ok...now that I've said it, lets watch the adventures I start having. Happy Saturday!

What I Want...

I've rarely spoken about what I want in relationships. I've always had some kind of soap box to jump on to about the Lord and the church, but I guess for once I'm just feeling the need to share what I want or maybe what I hope for. It's difficult for me to lay down my heart about women for the public to read. A few out there might even believe I don't deserve a second chance in view of my past failures. However, I feel the need to define what it is I want in a woman and let me make it clear that through the resurrecting power of Christ, I do deserve a second chance at a life with someone.

I want a woman who is her own person. I don't want a twin, but a partner. I want a woman who is willing to take risks. The entire Christian walk is a risk, and to me an unwillingness to take risks represents a lack of faith in the Lord's care. Honestly, that's an area I have to pray about everyday too. I want a woman who is fine with me sharing my heart about how I feel about them, life, and most importantly, where I believe God wants me. I'm one of the few highly emotional guys out there and I need a woman who can find it endearing instead of weird. I want a woman who is willing to let me be who I am as much as I am willing to let her be who she is. I want a woman who is logical, but is able to be in touch with her heart too. That in itself is a challenge for me because I'm always running with my heart, and therefore struggle to be logical!

I want a woman who is willing to allow me to be the hero and point them to the true Hero. I want a woman who understands that Christ did not call us to judge people, but to love them. It's okay to call out a sin...but we aren't supposed to destroy the person committing the sin. I want a woman who is able to forgive me... I am indeed a walking screw-up. I want a woman in my life that treasures the time we spend together. I used to take this for granted, but now I understand what it truly means. I want a woman who is willing to go out of her way to tell me how she feels about me. It's not fun trying to figure out smoke signals.

I want a woman who will let me treat her as I see her to be, not what she thinks she is. Satan is on a mission to destroy the wonders that God made in a woman. If a woman just sees herself as nothing beautiful, then Satan has done his job. If a man is unable to see in himself the Godly masculinity (thanks for the term Tim Buttrey) that should be there in his heart, then Satan is doing his job. Therefore, I need a woman who will let me express to her how amazing she is. I need her to understand that I'm going to see the beauty in her that God created, not the garbage that the enemy wants her to believe. I need her to let me be the knight that God intended me to be.

I guess the whole reason I write this down is to remind myself too. I've spoken with someone recently who has done a heck of a job reminding me of what I want. However, I needed to write this down on my own. I've known what I wanted for a little bit now, and I just need a record of it. I need to remember what I'm looking for and I need to be able to recognize it when I see it.

Observance

A couple things caught my attention today. I'm going to just rewind a bit though. I had to work the 11-8 today and had my lunch at 3. I figured that nothing was open at work to get food from, so hey nothing says lovin' like Chipotle! So I'm in line and I see a sign that says Chipotle will be closed on Easter Sunday and that they hope that we have a wonderful day regardless of what we are observing! It seems like a nice message, but it really struck me the wrong way. Has our country fallen so far from God that even a sign will actually say "regardless of what you are observing?" Easter would not be here if it were not for the Son of God becoming a man and laying his life down on the cross so that we can live. There is no question of what we are observing.

This really steams me up. I had a friend at work try and tell me at work about how different people believe different things etc, and try to help me understand how we can just logically explain a holiday devoted to the resurrection of Jesus. I'm sorry, I can't bite on this. Call me narrow-minded if you like but Easter is not about Easter Eggs, a fertility god, or about family time. It's about the Son of God, and I'm not going to be ashamed of it. Jesus Christ is Lord, and He rose on the 3rd day.

Laughter

Anyone who's ever spent time with me understands that I'm generally a serious person, or at the very least, I have a pretty serious first impression. I take strong stands on my beliefs and I'm very intense in how I present them. However, those that get close to me, I mean really close to me, they learn something else about me...I love to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. I'm as goofy as they come with both a corny and dry version to my humor. The issue is that ever since my divorce, it seems that humor or joy has been lost. I don't seem to laugh much any more. When I do, its just for a moment then its gone again. What happened to me?

I've missed the funny Derek. I really have, and it, at times, has depressed me a bit. So I started praying and asking God to return to me the joy that I once felt. I need more then just human joy. I need the Joy of the Lord. I need that to breathe in my bones. Everyone needs to laugh after all.

Here's the cool thing of how the Lord's been working with that prayer. First, I made a friend that I've spent a little bit of time with lately. When I talk to her, I can't help but laugh because her humor mixed with my humor just brings out what I'm really good at: having a witty conversation. I've enjoyed this new friendship and I feel very blessed to have this person as someone to keep me honest on having a good laugh, especially at myself. A second thing that's been going on is that I've been one of the people mentoring new contractors at work in the past couple of days. Let me tell you that serving as a mentor and teaching these guys how to do our job has reminded me of some of the very joys that the Lord has placed in my heart of the years: teaching. I went home last night from work laughing and joking like the man I used to be. It was great...

I think its something that we don't understand when it come to God: He uses everything and everyone to accomplish His will. Over the past 18 months, He's proven that by the shear number of people He's used to bless my life. Everyone from Laura to Micah to Konan to Lindsay to Nate to Isaac and the list goes on and on and on have effected my life in such amazing ways. In the end I'm experiencing one thing: laughter.

"Delight yourselves in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."