2009

What I learned in 2009:

A. Love is more than words...it's action on both sides. When neither side takes action, you both lose.

B. It is possible me to accept love from someone.

C. I understand that God loves me.

D. My faith has a long way to grow yet.

E. The importance of watching what I spend.

F. That true friendship endures.

G. Some people in this world are truly generous.

I. Some people in this world will never leave your side nor never give up on you.

J. That alot of my wounds have been healed...but I still have some that need healing.

K. The Rams are horrible, but believe it or not, they are heading in the right direction.

Tis the Season

The Christmas season has never really been my favorite time of year. There have been too many uncomfortable memories and quite frankly, I just always struggle to get in the Christmas spirit. I know that Jesus is the reason for the season, and I know that is what we are truly celebrating, but still I usually do not get into it. This year has been no different for me, however Jenn has been working diligently to try and change my point-of-view on Christmas. I’m believing that this year we’ll start new traditions, and I’m thankful to be sharing Christmas with my wife.

Here is what else has been going on:

- I’ve begun to get connected at Jenn’s church. There are some nice people there and the Word gets preached, but I’m still apprehensive about committing to going there. We’re looking around a little but it is likely to take some time.

- Jenn and I were both sick in the past two weeks and its kept us out of the gym. That’s a bummer. I was just getting into a routine and it all went to dust. We likely won’t get back into it full speed until after the New Year.

- It appears that virtually no one outside of Ohio thinks Ohio State has a chance against Oregon. Perhaps they’ve forgotten that Oregon’s defense is kinda leaky? I’m not saying the Buckeyes are going to win, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they do.

- Can anyone believe the type of season the Rams have had? They have numerous players on injured reserve or out long term through the season, and now they are dealing with up to 6 players with the swine flu. They are not very good at 1-12, but as a fan I have to believe this type of season is building character for the long-term.

- Cincinnati does not feel like home to me yet. I know God sent me down here for more than just marrying Jenn, but for something else. I’m anxious to find out what it is.

- I managed to get Jenn addicted to Farmville. She plays that game more than me!

- Married life has not been easy. I was not accountable to anyone else but God for two years, and now I have to think about Jenn’s needs first. I admit I am not always successful at that, in fact, I sometimes fail miserably, but I will keep trying. I want our marriage to glorify God.

- Special congrats to my long-time friend, Tamara Dennon. She recently got herself engaged! It is nice to see someone take a leap-of-faith in an time where people are finding ways to end a marriage.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Notes....Married Life, Cincinnati, etc.

Well the move down to Cincinnati has been interesting, in a good way. There has been alot going on but it seems surreal to me. Eight months ago my life was completely different. I am just trying to catch my breath.

A. On October 20th, I returned to work in Columbus to finish out my time there. I was a part of the team completing the conversion of west coast Washington Mutual branches to Chase branches. It was an experience I will never forget. I had to drive back and forth everyday for something like eleven days and during that time some hidden tension between myself and a co-workers came to the surface. It was smoothed over quickly, but it was hard not angry at myself for not leaving a greater mark, if any mark at all at Branch Technology Support. I really did like my job there and I enjoyed the people.

B. I said goodbye to Columbus on October 30 and began my new job in Cincinnati on November 2. While there are small similarities between the the positions there are definitive differences that I must master quickly if I am going to be a stellar part of their team. I like the job and I like the people. It's just different than the retail banking side and I need to get used to it.

C. I sang with Jenn while she lead praise and worship in her church last weekend. It was the first time I sang in a church setting since I was 17. We started with Jeff Deyo's "Bless the Lord." and I think that people really got into the praise time. I like having a best friend to do this with. I had my reasons to stop singing all those years ago, and now it's interesting to start again and now not be alone.

D. Married life has been good. We have our moments like all couples and I sometimes find myself frustrated when we argue a bit, however I enjoy every moment with her and it's rewarding when we can work together to find a meeting place when we do not see eye-to-eye. I DO NOT NEED to win an argument, which was a flaw I dealt with the first time around.

E. I am still neurotic about some things...I guess everyone is. I find myself asking God often: "Lord, why did I just do that (or say that)?" I really do not understand myself as much as I wish. Fortunately, God does, and Jenn sometimes seems to understand me more than I do too, thought I do throw her some curves on occasion.

F. Cincinnati drivers are horrible (as a whole). Many drive like they do not have a clue and perhaps even more scary, like they do not care. I was nearly blindsided by a car going close to 60mph on Pete Rose Way the other day while leaving Sawyer Point (parking and rec area on the Ohio River). The guy blazed through a red light just as I was about to cross and I braked just in time. This happened just five minutes after a car almost hit me on a pedestrian crosswalk five minutes earlier.

G. I'm getting to know Jenn's friends like Lance, Steve and Grace Wu, Roger, and a few others. They are important parts of Jenn's life, but it is hard for me. I do not easily trust people anymore, which is odd because I have no problems telling people my story. I hope to earn their friendship, but I also want it to be because they actually want that too. I don't want it to be just because I married Jenn. I guess some prayer for me there would be nice. I don't really know anyone else down here.

H. I miss my home church in Columbus, C3 Church. I miss the people. I guess I need to visit soon. I hear they are getting big.

That's the news for now...

Why I Believe

It is an interesting question to hear when someone asks me, “Why do you believe in God and Jesus Christ as your salvation?” I guess the default answer for some would be because the Bible says so or because “They move me!” However, while there is nothing wrong with those answers to me there is something more. People spend all this time writing books, articles, or filming reports trying to prove why God does not exist and it makes me think how often we just do not take the time to look around.

So why do I believe in Christ/God/Holy Spirit? It is about faith, but it is more than blind faith. It has been through faith and other people praying for me that I believe. I believe because despite all the abuse I went through as a child, I have been able to fight through all the scars that were left and write this today. I believe because God had his hand upon me when a car hit me head-on going 35 mph on a bike freshman year and I was in school the next day. I believe because when I ran from God and joined the Navy instead of following the call to go to college, He still blessed me and gave me life experiences that I will never forget. When my first marriage ended and my ex-wife left me, He held my hand even though suicide ran rampart in my heart and mind. He blessed me with a job, a church, and the right friends to help me live again. Now He has blessed me with a wife and best friend with whom I will be able to share my faith for all the days of my life. I believe because despite every character flaw and sin I commit, God still takes joy in my creation. Oh yeah, and I believe because the Bible tells me so.

I believe because I’ve seen people healed and marriages restored. I believe because I have seen Churches grow in places you never would have thought possible. I believe because I have seen hardened men who shook their fists at God for years bow their knees and confess Jesus Christ as Lord. I believe because every bright star that shines in the night sky serves as a reminder of how far the Hands of God extend. I believe because all of His creation sings His name even as we tend to ignore it or rationalize it as evolution or some other theory. I believe because the very depths of my heart proclaim that Jesus Christ is Lord and I feel nothing but joy to know Him.

For all of these reasons…I believe.

Wedding Day

Well the day has come and gone and yes, I did the deed. I married my beautiful bride this past Saturday and began our new life together. It was a bit surreal for that day to finally come (I say finally because over the summer the days went by so slowly), but yet afterwards it was hard to believe that I had indeed made the iron-clad commitment to share my life with Jenn.

The day of the wedding was something else. Everything was hectic. Jenn’s hair appointment was at 8 a.m. and it should have been done in an hour or less. Instead it was done twenty minutes late. We had to rush to get our flowers out to the picnic shelter. We were supposed to meet up with Nanette Norris with our cake at the shelter, but we missed each other due to our being late. We had to rush back to get changed and we even arrived a couple minutes late at Cedar Falls! Basically we were late to our own wedding! Of course we had to take the short route down to the Falls as well. This meant climbing over rocks and avoiding dirt, but we had fun doing it. It was very cold down there but neither of us could really tell because we were both so pumped up. However, we got a full view of our friends freezing and we could not help but be thankful for the people that God had brought into our lives. That being said, it was also a moment to see what friends were not there. That made me a little sad. My family was also running late. Some of that is my fault because I failed to get them accurate directions the night before. I meant to tell them in would be a four and a half hour drive instead of a three and a half hour drive. We just did not have cell phone reception to let them know. However, everyone did make the reception, so that was nice.

As for the reception, it was cold! Jenn and I got there, helped get organized, took some pictures, and visited a bit before actually leaving the party to get changed because we were so cold. When we got back to the reception it became apparent we were not going to be able to sing as people were just too cold to stay. It does seem like people had fun even though it was cold and I am glad for that. I just wish it was warmer.

Some people deserve special mention: Roger Chang and his family were kind enough to allow Jenn to use their cabin Thursday night to sleep in so she would not have to pay for a place. Lance Webel was there at the wedding taking pictures just in case the photographer did not make it. He also provided me some gloves when I could no longer feel my hands. Jenn’s parents were amazing as was her brother and sister-in-law. They were there helping out as much as they could at the reception. It was definitely appreciated. Nanette was amazingly patient in her work as well. Thanks to everyone!

For everyone else that made it, thanks for braving the cold to help make our wedding day special. For those invited that did not or could not make it, you were sorely missed.

I truly look forward to spending my life with Jenn. Life is hard and marriage can be as well, but I am happy to walk through all challenges with Jenn. I love her deeply, and it grows every day I am with her.

Wedding FAQ – Everything You Need or Want to Know About Our Upcoming Wedding

1. When and where do the festivities begin?
The festivities begin at 11 in the morning on October 17th. 2009 at Cedar Falls in Hocking Hills State Park. We will have a barbeque following the ceremony at the Old Man’s Cave Picnic Shelter. If you feel that 11 in the morning is too early for you then you can feel free to join us at the shelter afterwards, but beware I will have my eye on you!

2. How do I get to Cedar Falls?
Once you enter the park it will be about two miles from the Old Man’s Cave Visitor Center. You would just follow the signs through the park. When you reach the parking area for Cedar Falls there is a ½ mile long path leading down to the falls. While the Falls itself is beautiful it is recommended that you leave the nice clothes at home and come ready because while the falls look this:


The trail itself is often guarded by beastly foes such as this:


Or this:


Or perhaps this:


So dress casual and men be ready to protect your women and children!

3. How come I was not invited?
The Park is only allowing 50 people down to wedding site. So it’s mostly family and the closest friends. However, the truth is I wanted to invite the entire Ohio State Football team and therefore while planning to sneak them past the creatures listed above, none of them RSVP’d. So therefore, we actually have a few invitations left. I guess I should have chosen more friends instead. Doh! Anyone else want to come? There’s free food and pretty leaves!

4. How did Jenn and I meet?
She was stalking me…just kidding. Actually believe it or not, we met on Eharmony. I know I know…go ahead and laugh at the chunky Italian, but hey finding a girl that can deal with me is like expecting the Rams to win a football game: it’s a rarity. Anyways, she was the first person that I actually went out on a date with from Eharmony and I never went out on another one. It was not long before she had my heart.

5. Where did we go on our first date?
I took her down to Newport, Kentucky, which is just across the Ohio River from Cincinnati. Yes, I made sure to take her there so she could not ditch me in the movies if she decided she did not like me.  But actually, we enjoyed a grossly expensive dinner at Johnny Rocket’s (What?), saw the movie “I Love You Man,” took her for some ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery, and we ate it together on the walkway leading over the Ohio River in the night lights. It was pretty romantic I must say. Guess what? I remembered that all by myself!

6. What kind of food are we serving for the wedding?
Ha! The jokes on you! We are serving whatever you bring!
Actually we are treating this like a party, not your normal wedding reception. It is a barbeque with hamburgers, hot dogs, and etc. We are providing for all of this though we are looking for volunteers to help out with the setup etc.

7. What kind of wedding cake is it and who is making it?
My supervisor at Chase, Nanette Norris, is actually making the cake. The top tier is lemon and crème and the bottom tier is spice and peanut butter. I was originally grossed out by the idea of peanut butter and spice cake, and then I tried it and all I can say is WOW sugar overload…and that it was yummy. So it is a little different and Jenn and I are about being a little different, though I do consider her the normal one.

8. What is not acceptable to wear at the wedding?
I mentioned earlier not to worry about dressing up. Come in jeans. It is a football Saturday so feel free to have your team colors on, unless you are a Michigan fan (Dani….). I do not want any men there in bright colored thongs like this guy:



That is…umm yeah.

9. Who is marrying us on our wedding day and who is serving as our mentors?
Gary Fowler, a pastor from C3 Church (and also pictured here the FAQ in a lame attempt at laughter), is marrying us. Gary also mentored me and was there for me as the Lord rebuilt me. I am forever thankful for Gary Fowler.

Bob and Bonnie Alstadt are mentoring us before and after the wedding. Bob is currently the pastor of the English speaking service at All Nations Congregation in Cincinnati.

10. Why is there a picture of Gary super-imposed on Borat?
I do not know. Gary has a man crush on Andy Stanley. I have a man crush on Gary Fowler…I know…your heads are all shaking now. Actually, Gary is the one person I know that enjoys being in on the joke.

So that’s a wrap. If you have any further questions, please post them below!

C3

When I decided to leave the Navy in 2006, I thought I had my life in control. God was not a priority though my heart longed for Him. I moved to Columbus, Ohio with hopes to finish my education, find a good job, and finally start a family. However, I found that finding a job in Columbus was harder than I thought. I grew depressed and withdrawn. Basically, I developed what is known as Separation Anxiety. For the first time in my adult life, I could not depend upon the military to take care of me. The direction I once felt in my life was now missing. I pushed my family away and dove into hobbies. I gained close to forty pounds and sat around the house playing video games online. We could not seem to find a church. I was lost and in the process of losing everything.

During this time we were looking for a church home. We went to numerous churches in the area but nothing seemed to fit. Some just did not fit us and others were more theatre than anything else. It seemed that there could be no home for us, but then my sister Melissa moved in with us to save money for school. She wanted to try a church in Pickerington, Ohio where she knew the pastor from her time in youth camp. We looked up the church on the internet and I chuckled at the name: C3 Church. I wondered where the weird name came from, but we gave it a try.

Our first service there, I walked in pessimistic. I was hearing the call of my master and just flat out miserable in life, but I was tired of church. I was tired of seeing judgment instead of love. I was tired of seeing a show instead of something real. Little did I know I was being sent there by God, and even less did I know why I was being sent there.
It was a good service. Everyone was friendly and relaxed. The church seemed real.
After the service, they held a brief meeting where new visitors were able to go back and meet the pastor, Konan Stephens. I can not tell you what struck me about Konan and his church except that it seemed authentic. I was curious.

A couple days after going to C3 for the first time, I emailed Konan and asked him to meet me for coffee. I wanted to know more about this church. I wanted to see what was going on with this man and find out his intentions for his church. What I found was a dreamer who was not content for C3 to sit still. I grilled him on all that I could think of and while I did not agree with everything he said, I could tell he was honest. He was sincere and I was onboard.

As my family began to go to C3, I started to move towards God again. As I did, the fog over my life began to lift and I noticed that my wife had grown distant. I slowly started to make changes in my life to try and become a better husband, but as it turns out, it was too late. She decided that she wanted out and I was left alone to find my way. It was at this point, I discovered why I had been sent to C3 Church. The people at C3 Church stepped in and helped to rebuild me. The leadership there, led by Konan Stephens and Gary Fowler, loved me and stuck by me even though I struggled as I fought to save a marriage and grow closer to God. The marriage ended and they were instrumental in rebuilding my wounded heart and in showing me what it is to be real. I can now say that if not for C3 and the people there, I do not know what would have happened to me.

The reason I write this is to both honor the men and women of C3 Church who have followed the call of God to love people and be real doing it, and to say goodbye to them. God has called me elsewhere, with second chance at marriage pending. When He calls, I answer. So thank you C3 for being there and loving me. Thank you for obeying God’s call upon you in the eastern Columbus area, and thank you for being God’s instruments for miracles of the heart. I live and breathe the name of Jesus today because there was a church willing to love like Jesus loved.

Introspection

As long as I can remember, anytime I have been confronted with a mistake, I have reflected on it and tried to make amends for them. I have never been too proud to confess my shortcomings, many of which have been discussed in my blog, and yet recently I faced accusations that stated I was doing still doing things that I used to do when married. It forced me to do something I have grown unaccustomed to: I had to defend myself to someone that I believed to be one of my best friends.

What do you do when someone accuses you of things you know are not true, even if this person will not detail them? What do you, when as a Christian, it gets to the point where your Christianity is being questioned? How do you react when a person you trust ends your friendship based on these accusations? What do you do when the person’s alleged source for making these accusations is beyond reproach?

Every time I search my heart I come up with the same answers: I have always been open and real with people. I do not hide my flaws from anyone. When I sin, I repent and move forward with honesty. Why would anyone accuse me otherwise now? The life I live now is a complete change from how I used to be. Even if I make similar mistakes to the ones I made when I was married, I do not hide them like I used to. I take accountability for them and I confess them, then I take actions to prevent it from happening again. How am I the same? How have I not changed? I am confused and hurt. I feel betrayed and bewildered. Where do I go from here?

Wild Ride

Twenty-two months ago I began a journey of both loss and redemption. Early on in the process, I met another person who, like myself, was losing his marriage and fighting to save it. We almost instantly formed a kinship and began to hold each other accountable in our Christian walks. Eventually we had to go our separate ways, due to choices that we individually making, but I am happy to be a part of his life now as he got married on Sunday at C3 Church.

I hope to have him guest write an entry on this blog soon just to get his story out there, but it’s an amazing story. Every time I sit back and think of what I have gone through in the past two years, I am reminded of my friend who went through even more. Some of what he went through has been the result of his poor choices, however the great thing about God is that He can turn our poor decisions around and use them for good. I am proud of my friend for recognizing his need for a savior and accepting that savior. Now God has blessed him with someone who will never leave his side.

It is surreal now to see how satisfied he is after where he has been, and it echoes in my mind that the same is true for me as I am now one month away from being married too. What a wild ride, and to God be all the glory for the miracles in our lives.

September 11, 2001

There is something powerful about September 11, 2001 in my heart, as it is in most hearts. It’s my generation’s JFK moment where we will all remember where we were and what we were doing on that day. None of this is meant to minimize the other tragedies that have happened around the world in the past ten years, however this is our one moment as Americans where we remember our homeland being attacked, in arguably our greatest city, and the heroics of various men and women in New York, Washington DC, and in a plane fighting to survive over Pennsylvania. We will never be the same.

In 2001, I was training for the Venice Marathon with three other shipmates when I earned for myself severe shin splints that landed me physical therapy. On September 11th, I had an early appointment at the therapist’s office and I went home to play some Playstation 2 with Valorie still at work. A few minutes into my game, I received a phone call from Mom nearly hysterical telling me to turn the television on because the World Trade Center had been attacked. Plane number 2 had just hit and there were gaping holes in both buildings. I got off the phone with my mom and watched in disbelief as the Towers tumbled to the ground and people close to them scattered out of the way. I frantically called Valorie at work to let her know what happened, and then, in tears, cried out to God for mercy for our country. The towers that I once stared at from across the bay on my ship in New Jersey were gone, and the lives of thousands were changed forever.

Over the next two days I was glued to the television amid rumors that our family members would be sent home and our base would be locked down. We had to mentally get prepared for that as I waited for our work schedule to change in response to the President putting military at its highest level in years. I learned soon enough that we would be working 12 hours on and 12 hours off for the immediate future. I had to drop my math class…again, and we began life in post-9/11 Europe.

My life in the military was never the same after that. I wound up having to serve in the base’s Auxiliary Security Forces afterwards due to the base needing extra protection. When I was eventually called up, it cost me more time with family and in finishing my education. However, that was a minor sacrifice to make. My final command while in the Navy, Opnav TCC in the Pentagon, lost 7 sailors from when that plane crashed into the building. Rumors persisted that when they were found, they were charred, but linked arm-in-arm. Whenever you walked into that section of the Pentagon, it did not matter what season it was, the temperature always seemed to drop about 10 degrees. My division officer kept the ID of one of our fallen comrades at his desk as a reminder. There was no running from what happened on September 11th, and none of us should try.

No one should ever forget what happened that day, not because of the fact that it took place on American soil, but because of the fact that it was senseless, cruel, and it affected people from every walk of life. A couple hundred countries were represented by the tragedy. Yes, it weighs more on Americans, but families around the world felt loss as their relatives either died or were injured. It was a day that united America with many, and like so many others, it will be burned into my memory for all the days of my life.

These Hands

Well it is official: I am scared. What began as a small itchy rash in early June is now all over my hands, my right wrist, both of my feet, and on my ankles. I have had a total of three doctor appointments, two of them to a family practice and one of them to a dermatologist. It was initially deemed to be contact dermatitis and then was called atopic eczema. I have been on two separate steroids (yay now I can be like half of Major League Baseball!) and I changed my lifestyle to fit the needs described to me to treat it. Nothing is working. The eczema is spreading and it appears I now have an infection on one of the fingers. It all began with these hands. I admit it…as a grown man, I am getting scared. This is supposed to be a happy time with a wedding coming in five weeks. Okay...I'm done venting now.

Compassionate Journalism

We all lack compassion sometimes. Yes, I mean every single one of us. So as you read this please do not think that I am saying I am the most compassionate man in the world. That would be a lie. I have a long way to go in that area. However, the news story I read this morning about a US Marine, Lance Corporal Joshua Bernard, is appalling for its lack of compassion by the Associated Press and I cannot let this pass without mentioning it.

This brave Marine gave his life for his country in Afghanistan recently. He was wounded in battle and while his fellow Marines attended to him in his final minutes, the AP managed to get some photos of Lance Cpl. Bernard. The AP chose to publish a photo of the dying Marine despite the repeated appeals of Lance Cpl. Bernard’s father and a request from Secretary of Defense Robert Gates to not publish it. The AP responded by publishing the photo anyways and reasoned that they published it because it “conveys the grimness of war and the sacrifice of young men and women fighting it.”

So let me get this right. Please help me understand. You have the father of a fallen marine requesting not once but twice for the AP not to publish this photograph as well as the Secretary of Defense, on behalf of the family, requesting the same to the AP, and they still ignore their requests? And for all reasons they want to “convey the grimness of war and the sacrifice of young men and women fighting it?” As a US Navy veteran I am insulted by the AP’s stand on this. If you really want to convey the grimness of war then keep reporting from Afghanistan and Iraq. There is nothing wrong with interviewing witnesses and catching some pictures of the areas and battles, but to ignore the pleas of the family is devoid of compassion and ignorant. Would any of these members of the AP want their families to have to view pictures of their dying bodies on television or see them in a newspaper?

If I had passed away when I was deployed, I never would have wanted my parents to see my dying body emblazoned across their television screen or found in the pages of the Akron Beacon-Journal. Where is the integrity and compassion from the AP? If the AP really wants to convey the “sacrifice of the young men and women fighting” the war, then they need to honor the requests of the families of these brave men and women instead of seeking the prestige that comes with getting a published shot. There is more than one way to get your point across without causing someone else pain. It does not matter if they met all standards provided for by the US Military. What matters is that father just lost his son, and wished to not have such a devastating photograph of him posted for the world to see. I believe the American people want news coverage that shows honor, integrity, and compassion. I find a little bit less of it everyday and this only reaffirms it.

Excited

Jenn came home from New Jersey this past weekend and let me tell you it was awesome to be reunited with her. I visited Jenn twice in New Jersey and went up to Michigan to see her run her half-ironman, but there is just something different about being with her in Cincinnati. It really is home and now that I understand that I really have no qualms about leaving Columbus to live down there.

I am hoping that time to move is coming soon. I have a phone interview with Chase for positions in Cincinnati, so if you have the time to pray for me, please do. I do not want to work for another company if I can still work for Chase, but I will do whatever I have to do in order for Jenn and me to be able to get our marriage off on the right foot. I believe the interview will go well and that there will be a face-to-face interview soon enough.

We went out to Bed, Bath, & Beyond on Sunday to register for the wedding. Wow, that about sucked the life out of me. First, let me say that we did not initially intend to register for the wedding. We have already been down this road before and we just wanted people to come out to the wedding and have a good time. However, we had a family friend make the point that if do not register for stuff, people will just buy us gifts anyways, and there is a good chance we will not like them. So in an arduous effort to survive the onslaught of a lazy Sunday, I was put in charge of the scan gun thingy and Jenn went to town figuring out what she wanted. It was great for her and torture for me. I did think it was funny when I tried to scan her butt; however the only reaction I got from her was a rolling of the eyes. Oh well, at least its over with.

It’s exciting to see where our lives are heading now. We both have our hopes and dreams for our upcoming marriage and are thankful that these hopes and dreams are grounding in Christ. It is coming really soon too. We have less than 7 weeks to prepare for this wedding and there is so much to do, but the excitement is building.

Cardboard Christian

I have never really known life without God being a part of my it one way or the other. His presence has always been there even when I have run from Him. However, as I look back now I have always struggled with how we are supposed to live our lives. Are we supposed to put up this image of living the cardboard cutout life where everything is perfect. You know the life where we make every single hurt and pain into positive rationalization? The example that comes to mind for me is when my grandmother passed away a couple years ago.

When Grandma passed away I had more than one person tell me that I should just take joy in the fact that she was with Jesus now. “It’s a day of celebration, you should be happy!” are words I heard as I nervously prepared to speak at the memorial service. Really? Try telling my mother that as she buries her best friend and prayer partner! Try telling me that as I say goodbye to the woman who helped mold me and supported me in all of my ventures. We all have to mourn. Even though we should be happy that our loved one is now with Jesus, we still need to mourn our loss! Somehow as Christians we tend to lose sight of that. We often move to the status quo that everything should be puppies and popcorn because we are Christians and supposed to be happy. The problem with that line of thinking is that it is just not real. That line of thinking is nothing more than that of a cardboard cutout.

As I look over this blog and reread the entries I wrote, I see that a large proportion of my entries have been rather serious and kind of sad. I suppose it could be a brighter blog, but it just would not be real. I want people to see the real me and what I have been through. I have not lived a perfect, clean, Christian life. I make mistakes and I will not make it look like everything is rosy when I struggle just like anyone else does. That being said, I tend to write more when something harder to deal with is on my mind. I have been blessed with a pretty amazing life.

I want anyone who reads this blog to identify with me. I am not a cardboard Christian. Who really wants to be anyways?

Worthy

The last two years have been such a blur. I came back to the Lord, fought for and lost a marriage, had some relationships with people break, and I met the most amazing woman alive that I’m now getting ready to marry. There’s been a lot of healing to do over the past two years and sometimes it’s been like a twelve-step process to get there. The more I seek God to heal the wounds of my past, the more stuff I find buried in me. Like I’ve mentioned before, it’s like I move forward some and back a little. It’s definitely not my idea of fun.

A couple days ago, Jenn told me that she wished I thought better of myself. She sees all these amazing qualities in me that apparently I don’t see. Her words stuck with me. Actually, they pierced me. When I hung up with her for the night, I realized that I not only didn’t think much of myself, I couldn’t stand myself. A flood of tears overwhelmed me and as the night wore on regardless of where I turned, there was no comfort. I asked God for help, and it felt like I had none. I just struggle to see myself as worthy of the second chance I’m receiving. Here God has blessed me with Jenn complete with a wedding date and site. Jenn is unconditionally in love with me and sees so much in me that I can not even fathom. With this in mind, I prayed about it and kept an eye out for direction. I wrote Jenn later and poured my heart out to her about what I was feeling and we talked about it last night. As we talked about it a memory came to the surface that I had forgotten. I stopped conversation and told Jenn about this memory.

The memory is from the night I picked up my ex-wife from the airport when she came back from a business trip to Denver, Colorado. When she got in there was something noticeably different about her. She was distant and cold, but I wanted to talk to her. I reached out to her and confessed a deep fear and she responded in a way that completely tore me down. As I look back now, ever since that day I’ve never been the same in the way I view myself. I understand now that the Lord was bringing this memory to the forefront. Like any man, I need someone to believe in me. That day, I was essentially told that was not the case. I see now that the Lord believes in me, and the woman who loves me believes in me. Maybe now the healing in this area can begin. Maybe just maybe, I can understand that I’m worthy to be loved again. I like that. I’m hopeful.

Oh as a side-note…watch what you say to someone. We sometimes don’t realize the damage we can cause to a person's heart. We have such power with our words. Be careful and love one another.

Random Thoughts

There isn’t a major theme to write about tonight. I have a few random thoughts worth mentioning.

- God has seemed a little distant from me over the past week or so. Since He’s always available thought would generally mean I have not been. I better get on that. I love talking with my Jesus.

- I have begun to think about my vows. We are writing our own for the wedding and not going the traditional route. Believe it or not, when talking in public, I am better at just winging it and expressing myself on the spot. I do not have the luxury of doing that this time. We need copies of the vows for our scrap book.

- Speaking of scrapbooks, I went to visit Jenn this past weekend in Princeton, New Jersey. We stopped at the Princeton University Store and I picked out a post card for our scrap book. I wanted Jenn to be able to have something to look back on with our engagement and we have had a great time out in New Jersey. The post card has a tiger drawing on it for the Princeton Tigers. We took pictures afterwards to have something to go with the post card.

- The past two years took their toll on me. My body is starting to show the effects of what I went through and I’m choosing to fight back.

- I caught parts of the Rams preseason opener against the Jets last weekend. The defense failed to impress in their series against Mark Sanchez, but overall I was impressed at how hard the Rams played. They have injury and depth issues already, and they are not as talented as the other teams in the NFC West, but I do believe they have turned a corner. I expect them to go 4-12 this season, but I am excited for their future. I hope to try and work it out to see them play next week in Cincinnati.

- The Angels pitching staff is horrible. They are fun to watch at 70-45, and Kendry Morales has been a pleasant surprise at first base, but they will not out-pitch teams in the playoffs. They have the Yankees’ number so they might take a series against them, but should they play Texas (its hard to believe Texas actually has pitching this year) or make it to the World Series and play a National League team, I just do not see them hanging.

- BJ Penn fought a great fight against Kenny Florian at UFC 101 and Anderson Silva was awesome in his destruction of Forrest Griffin. The rest of the card bored me. I missed the Cyborg-Carano fight, but it appears to have been a great one. I hope they get a rematch.

- I really miss Jenn. I want her home soon. I miss her so much and I am not ashamed or embarrassed to say so.

How Do You Define a Fan?

The NFL season approaches and I’m starting to get hungry for football again. It seems like the Super Bowl was played ages ago and like I’ve aged like fine wine since the last time my Rams stepped on the field. Yes, I said it…my Rams, the same St. Louis Rams that went won only two games a year ago. How can I get excited about that? Well, honestly, I’m a fan. Okay, I’m a die-hard fan.

ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd has often described the fan as being short for fanatic and I tend to agree. How else can I look forward to each season thinking my Rams are going to play well this year or maybe just maybe my Angels will finally beat the Red Sox in a playoff series? The power of positive thinking is definitely at work when being a sports fan.

This year I have a different reason to be hopeful. I know the Rams are likely to not be very good. The team is young and respected new coach, Steve Spagnuolo, is just now getting his system in place in St. Louis. It just appears that the worst is over with the team. It appears like maybe the Rams will give me something more to cheer for. Maybe that’s how you define a fan: they do all they can to find something to cheer for, even when you know the season is likely not going to be bright. Anyways, check out CNNSI’s Don Banks in his assessment of the Rams so far in camp: Don Banks

I hope Mr. Banks is accurate. It would be nice to no longer feel embarrassed when I put on a Rams t-shirt.

To Love Someone

It was not very long ago when I blogged about my dreams and then gave them to God. It was a heartfelt prayer that brought tears to my eyes as I wrote it. Who would have thought that giving something away that I held so dearly would result in meeting Jenn in just a few short weeks?

A couple months later, I started mentioning how some of my fears and insecurities were coming out. In June I wrote that I felt free of these concerns, but little did I know that I really was not free at all. The past few months were rough as I struggled to give all these fears to God over and over again. However, Jenn stuck with me. She’s proven to me that unconditional love exists. She keeps proving it every time I act like a child or when I am silent and do not want to talk.

This is what has become different for me. While I’ve never been afraid to love someone unconditionally, it’s been so surprising and even hard to accept that someone would love me in the same way, if not greater. I’m used to someone saying the words but being unable to take action. This is not a judgment against those I’ve dated or anything, it’s just in Jenn’s case I can truly see and feel her love being unconditional. She keeps pressing in on my heart. Where others have tried and failed or just plain never tried, Jenn succeeds in loving me and as she loves me, I am able to one-by-one hand my fears and insecurities to God.

As for loving Jenn, well it’s been amazing and an answer to the prayer I wrote out late one March night. I asked for a second chance to love someone, and I was blessed with a second chance soon after. How does that happen? I’ve done the best I can to run with it. I hope Jenn can agree that I’ve given myself into loving her. I study profusely what it is to be a husband and I seek God’s face on how to be a better man. There is such a long way to go, but to be in love, to live again, to hope again, it’s such an awesome feeling. I’m so thankful for a God that answers prayers and gives us the desires of our heart

News, News, and More News

So here we are with the latest batch of updates, thoughts, and ideas. I hope you find it worth reading.

A. The wedding is starting to come together. It’s so soon, but yet still seems far away. As mentioned before it’s going to be October 17, 2009. The wedding starts at 11 a.m. at Cedar Falls in Hocking Hills State Park. We have nothing really big planned for it, so do not expect any kind of pomp and circumstance. The ceremony should last thirty minutes max and probably more like twenty. The dress code for all who are invited is pretty simple: just be presentable. Shorts are allowed. I just don’t want anyone there wearing nothing but a bright orange thong and sunglasses. I am not even wearing a tux, but just a shirt and tie. Mullets are allowed…

B. The reception will also be simple. Burgers, hot dogs, praise and worship, and maybe some other outdoors stuff. This is going to be located at the Old Man’s Cave picnic pavilion. We’re still organizing what we’ll need for this, but again we’re keeping it simple. We just want this to be a party. If it rains that day, we’ll also get married at the pavilion. I think it’s safe to say we’re both going to be praying for sunshine and mild weather.

C. Gary Fowler is going to marry us. Are you scared yet? We are.

D. We are not sure where we are going to live. I have steadily looked for jobs since we got engaged, mostly Chase jobs in Cincinnati. However, I can’t even get an interview for any of them. I can say I’m building a fancy collection of rejection letters. Not fun. I like my company so I’m not looking for anything in Columbus. However, Jenn may have some opportunities in New Jersey, and since I happen to love New Jersey (weird isn’t it?), we’re taking a long look at it. I have begun looking for jobs there.

E. I have not been around C3 as much recently with me traveling as much as I have been. I feel very disconnected from my church. I wonder if I’ve been missed by anyone.

F. Jenn and I are working on a logo for our wedding…well okay its more like her working on it. My idea seems to be okay, but it wasn’t what she was thinking of. I’m deferring to her on that one. However, if anyone has any good ideas do let me know.

G. Diana is back in the hospital. I find myself wondering if my sister will ever be healthy. She’s definitely a trooper

H. The Bathroom Spider met his/her unfortunate demise. I got out of the shower one morning to find him running across the floor towards me. Of course, that ended our tedious peace and now I have a spider-free bathroom. However, it’s a little odd not seeing him in his little corner any more.

I. Jenn competed this past weekend in the Whirlpool Steelhead 70.3 Half-Ironman in Benton Harbor, Michigan. I felt my blood curdling as I crossed the border into Michigan to see her race. Eww…Wolverine land. I can tell you it wasn’t fun waking up early and walking over mile down the beach for the swim start. Normally it would have been quite romantic, but not this time. Jenn was focused and I was cranky for getting up so early. I stuck around throughout the day though. I was there to cheer her on at the swim finish, at the half-way point of her run, and I was there at the finish line completely drenched in rain waiting for her when she finished. She walked right up to me as soon as she crossed the finish line, kissed me, and gave me her medal to hold onto. I was so proud of her and it was special later to have her tell me how important it was for me to be there.

J. Watching Jenn train like she has keeps pushing the competitive itch in me to the surface. I told her I’d train with her for next year. I’m not sure if I’m that kind of guy, but I love to compete. I need to find something. I figure if I try just once, I can always say with a smile that I did with a 70.3 and I love the idea of doing this with my teammate.

K. A guy from work who is also a writer recently read some of my blog and sent me some links to try and do some freelance Christian writing. I’m looking into it, and praying about it. I’ve had some people comment my writing and I like to write, but it’s not like I am a trained writer or anything.

L. I’ve really been making a better effort to spend time with the Lord of late. That’s lead to some interesting moments with Him in the past two weeks. Allowing the Lord to work in me is not fun at times. Not fun at all…

M. I think the BJ Penn/Kenny Florian fight this weekend is going to be a great one, and may well result in a new champion. That’s how good I think Kenny Florian has become.

A Sports Fan's Nightmare

Many people living in northeast Ohio still remember the day when the Cuyahoga River set fire. It was symbolic of the dying economy and the results of years of industrial pollution that emanated throughout the region. Though the river was cleaned up and efforts were made to remake the Cleveland area, economic depression still paralyzes the region. It’s usual in sports that the people living in an area like this invest themselves into looking for a little hope and pride in their teams. However, Cleveland sports teams are proving to be capable of raising hopes and then crushing them with disappointment.

I’m actually not a fan of any Cleveland sports teams. My teams are on the west coast for the most part, but my family is full of fans of Cleveland teams, with the exception of my brother Jimmy who somehow chose the dark side by becoming a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Despite my lack of Cleveland favoritism it’s becoming hard to watch as my friends and family are continually disappointed by watching Cleveland sports teams rise, then crash, and in one particular case, even leave the city.

I’ll forever remember the image of Craig Ehlo diving while defending “The Shot” by Michael Jordan in the 1989 NBA Playoffs, which eliminated the Cavs, or the image of LeBron James leaving the court without shaking hands with Orlando Magic players following their loss in 2009 Eastern Conference Finals. Who can forget the three AFC Championship games the Browns lost to the Broncos, two of which can be considered games of the 1980’s? However, what’s hard to swallow is following an excellent 1994 season that left expectations of possible Super Bowl year in 1995, the bottom fell out as Art Modell and the city of Cleveland could not agree on a stadium deal to keep the Browns in Cleveland. The team fell apart with the distraction and Art Modell packed up the Browns for Baltimore. It was a bitter thing to watch the now Baltimore Ravens win Super Bowl 34 a couple years later. Now the new Browns have been mediocre at best and have been keen at raising expectations of fans before crashing back to the surface.

All of this brings me to the Cleveland Indians. Do you remember the division titles of the 1990’s? What about the World Series losses? Who can forget the 9th inning of the 1997 World Series where the Indians had their grasp on their first World Series title since 1948 only lose it on a Edgar Renteria liner off Indians’ pitcher Charles Nagy’s glove in the bottom of the 11th inning? What about Indians collapse in the 2007 American League Championship Series to the Boston Red Sox? They lead the series 3-1 before choking under the pressure. The Indians entered both the 2008 and 2009 season with high hopes, but now at mid-season trade deadlines have traded an unheard of two prior year Cy Young award winners as they dwell near the bottom of the American League Central standings.

The Indians, like the other Cleveland teams, continue to disappoint a fan base depressed economically and desperate for something to cheer for. This is what I call a fan’s nightmare. There is nothing to look forward to in a shredded economy and nothing to give the fans something to cheer for at home. I know a lot of people up in Detroit, Pittsburgh, or Cincinnati might be getting a kick out of watching Cleveland teams struggle, but this is getting painful to watch. It’s hard to watch an entire city go on all these years in futility. With Cliff Lee going to the Phillies yesterday for good prospects, but definitely not the top prospects that the Blue Jays wanted for Roy Halladay, you have to wonder if the Indians will ever make it around. I hope one of these teams does just to see a little excitement around here. Seeing the media cover teams that do not win gets old...fast.

Foul

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0&feature=player_embedded

By now I’m sure some of you have heard of the wedding dance video linked above has received over 10 million hits since July 19, 2009 on You-Tube. If you haven’t, go ahead and have a look. Its okay, I won’t be offended that you stopped reading to watch, at least not this time. I first saw this video over the weekend when I was recovering from whatever it was I had and I thought it was both hilarious and full of joy. I got curious and went to the You-Tube page on it and started reading some of the comments people were making about it, and while I’d say 90 percent of the comments were positive, there happened to be a few people trashing the video.

Many of them were Christians who were appalled that they would do a dance down the aisle to a secular song in a church. Some of them were openly offended just by the fact that there was dancing in a church that was not devoted to God. They called it disrespectful to God’s house. Some called the entire thing sinful and inappropriate. Attacks became personal where some of these Christians were openly calling this sin and even wishing some rather bad things to happen to these people who involved. This I find offensive…and I’m crying foul.

You are allowed to disagree with the actions people take. Everyone is allowed an opinion. However, when you begin to use God as the basis for a negative opinion, you better have your ducks in a row. Let me ask a question. In the Bible, is there anything noted as being wrong with dancing in a church? I mean come on; we play Frisbee at C3 church on Sunday mornings. I kid you not, just ask our visitors as they are the targets! I can see the complaint if the dancing was relatable to the movie “Dirty Dancing” but that was not the case! Some people are calling this sin? Really? Look, Biblically we are commanded to hold each other accountable and call out sin so it can be cleaned out. But we are also have guidance in the Bible as to what God regards as sin, and I just can’t find anything in the Bible to support this being called sin. If I am wrong, please someone tell me, and by all means, come with a verse.

I believe a lot of the criticism lobbied is mired in legalism. Everything has to be within the frame of traditional rules that sometimes exist for no reason at all. If it is something a little radical, then oh my lets destroy it. “It’s not proper!” “It’s not how God would want it!” “If dancing is not unto God, then it’s a sin,” is actually what I saw one person wrote. Really? Oh my, then life is going to be boring. News flash: when I marry Jenn, I have every intention of dancing with my wife in our home to music Christian or not (as long as it’s tasteful). Go on…tell me I’m sinning. Wait, let’s go one step forward and say if my Church ever wanted to host an event at church intended to celebrate marriage where we got to dance with our loved ones. Guess what? I’m in and we’d have a blast, and it’s not sin (as long as it’s tasteful). God loves to see a healthy marriage and what better place to grow a marriage then in a church! To do something like that is radical, just like someone else I know: Jesus. Tell me what’s more radical than coming to Earth with the sole purpose of dying for the world’s sins, following through with it, and then rising from the dead. Tell me that’s not radical! Oh and guess what, Jesus dying on the cross is the single greatest example of what legalism in history.

I think what also peeves me here is that some of these comments being made about the video are just so wrong that you have to wonder how on Earth that person can actively call themselves compassionate and loving Christians. We are supposed to stand up for what’s right and holy. However, since when are we ever to do it without love and compassion? Seriously, if you get the chance to read some of the comments (provided they weren’t censored yet) you’ll understand. As Christians have we lost the ability to love? Some people were even quick to note the was done by Chris Brown, who has faced legal issues concerning domestic assault against his girlfriend, Rihanna, and were using that as a basis of judgment. What Chris Brown did was wrong and inexcusable, but that does not mean his work is immoral. The lyrics to the song are a wonderful love song and less “expressive” than what you’ll find in Song of Solomon, which is in the Bible! David is regarded as Israel’s greatest king and a man after God’s own heart, but even David had a laundry list of sin that he was held accountable to. Oh and by the way, we Christians also treasure David’s musical works.

Finally, I ask why it seems that we never hear from these folks when there are far greater things to fight for. Why aren’t these voices being heard in relation to the homeless? What about for the sick? What about for those who are not walking with the Lord? Gees, just writing these words I’m convicted to get out and do more volunteering. The church needs to be more than a group of people who pick apart people’s actions looking for sin. When we do that, we give people the right to call foul on us.

Frustration

Friday morning I woke up with a nasty stomach and ache. A couple hours later I was making visit to the lovely toilet next to the Bathroom Spider every twenty minutes or so, and a couple hours after that I was barely able to stand. I had a fever that broke over night Friday night and I didn’t start feeling normal again until midway through Saturday. In all I missed two days of work. That means I’ve now missed 5 days of work since I got hired in April due to illness.

I am really frustrated. I would occasionally get sick when I was in the service, but then I went about a couple years without getting sick at all. Now over the course of the past year, I’ve had periodic glitches like this. I have never been sick this much...ever. It had me stressed about potentially losing my job until I read my company’s attendance policy today. However, I want to be seen as dependable and as a guy about to get married to the most wonderful woman in the world for me, it certainly rips at my ego to have to tell her I’m not feeling well…again. What gives?

I don’t eat perfectly, but I’ve been eating healthier. I’ve managed to keep my weight right around 200 if not a little lighter. I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds, but I’m definitely not massively overweight. I just have a little chunk…you know…just a bit. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I stay out of trouble and generally live a clean life. I’m not sure what the glitch is. Any ideas?

Well, don’t mind the vent. Venting through writing is a good release and I am glad I’m able to work and be a part of the conversion team today.

Stanley Cup

Well I couldn't help but get a kick out of this image of Sidney Crosby sleeping with the Stanley Cup. Traditionally players from Stanley Cup winning teams have done some odd things with the Cup and here is further proof of it. Anyone know of any good Stanley Cup stories?

The Bathroom Spider

So I moved in with Micah a few months ago and while the apartment is nice, it’s right in front of a patch of woods. This means insects galore. This hasn’t been much more than an annoyance so far, but recently a friend took up residence in my bathroom…a spider.

So let me tell you that I’ve long been afraid of spiders including one embarrassing incident a couple years ago in my old apartment that I will give no further comment on. After the unfortunate incident, I became determined to no longer be afraid of them, while of course spraying the apartment down every three months to keep spiders out. I have been successful so far at not freaking out when a spider is around in this apartment, but you know this newest one has been my greatest challenge.

This little guy has taken up residence on the floor near between my toilet and the sink. He’s a fast little bugger too. If startled, he’s gone. He seems to taunt me by just being there though. I came up with the rule that as long as he stays in his corner, I will let him live, while every instinct says kill him. Now let me tell you first hand, while I love animals, I’m no PETA activist. I’m not going to shed a tear if Mr. Spider meets his untimely demise, but part of me wants to let him live so just to fight back the old arachnophobia. I sometimes actually say hello to him (yes, I’m weird), and yesterday I actually caught him enjoying lunch (another spider!). Interesting…

However, I’ve noticed the little guy starting to expand his boundaries. Today I found him at the far end of the sink, ever so close to my trash can. I startled him to get him to run back to his corner. This is a little nerve wracking. So is it time to kill him, or do I let him continue to run wild? I don’t even know what kind of spider he is. What do you think? Is it time to end the Bathroom Spider’s life?

To the Beginning

I recently wrote about how my fears from the past were holding me back. I’ve been praying about it and seeking Godly counsel from people like Pastor Gary Fowler while still struggling with the weirdness in my own mind. It has not been easy either with Jenn spending two months in Princeton, New Jersey on an internship and therefore forcing us to communicate by words only. However, we have made it so far with both some up days and some down days. We seem to keep growing closer.

This past weekend I drove out to see her in New Jersey. It was a bit of a homecoming for me as I spent my first tour of duty in the Navy stationed onboard the USS Supply, which was homeported at NWS Earle in Leonardo, New Jersey. I used to drive the same route out to New Jersey all those years ago and as soon as I passed mile marker 160 on I-76 all the memories started pouring in.

There were a lot of beginnings out there on the New Jersey coast. I served my first tour of duty there and in the process took part in two overseas deployments. I also spent the first 18 months of my marriage out there too. With all the military hardships and the pain that I went through with the divorce there were definitely some ghosts hidden away in my closet.

On Saturday, Jenn and I got in the car and headed out to the New Jersey coast line. I showed her where I used to live on base. I drove her down the same road I used to drive to get to work. I took her to the mall I used to frequent, Monmouth Mall and actually looked at wedding stuff there (no dice though on finding anything). She bought me some sandals (yay for presents) and then we went to the beach in Sea Bright. I can’t tell you how long we were there, but once again we found a way to have a romantic time. We walked along the beach stopping for a kiss, and looking for shells to remember the occasion. It was quite romantic and I can tell you that is one of those moments where I felt so close to my fiancé.

The sun began to set so we got back in the car and drove to NWS Earle. I parked in the visitor parking lot, put my arm around Jenn, and proceeded to tell her about how the base has changed. I told her stories about the place and marveled at its changes. It was surreal sitting at the gate I used to drive through. I could still see the old bus stop we used to wait at to get a ride up the pier. Jenn didn’t see it, but there was plenty of emotion welling up in me.

After a few minutes, I took her into Atlantic Highlands, which was my favorite hangout spot. It was right next to the base and if you went out by the docks, you could see the three mile long pier that jutted out into the middle of the bay. I parked the car and we walked close to the water’s edge. We stared at the now empty pier and I struggled to hold it in. I understood now that just like the ships are now gone, so is the man that I was. I’ve spent so much time recently dealing with fear and insecurity, yet here at this moment, with Jenn standing beside me, it was done. I have no doubt that God ordained that time out there for me. It was the past meeting the future, and I chose the future.

We went to a local restaurant and enjoyed dinner together and then drove back to Princeton. There was such a peace within me. I am not afraid any more. I am not who I used to be. Those days and my past are behind me. I have been blessed with a second chance to both live and have someone to share life with. I can not waste it. I will not waste it.

Jenn was amazing this weekend. She wanted to go with me and learn more about me. She wanted to see where I’ve been. Jenn could have been mired in insecurity thinking that I was unable to get over my past. Instead, she understood that it wasn’t any one thing or person that was holding me back, but my fear of failure that was holding me back. She just loved on me and loved being with me. I can not say enough about what kind of woman she is. For the first time, I realized that her love for me truly is unconditional. Jenn would do anything for me. How blessed am I? She has changed my life and I’m honored to be the man she chose. Her love for me is truly sent by God, and I can’t help but be thankful about that. Here’s to new beginnings… I can’t wait until October 17th.

Every Day

It seems that every single day I'm learning more about the man I am...and who I'm going to be. I see flashes of confidence, and I have moments where I'm like a child. I keep thinking I'm too old for this see-sawing back and forth and then I realize I'll likely be 80 years old one day and have my moments where I act 11. I'm thankful for the people I have in my life, especially Jenn, who know how to deal with me and love me, even when I'm weird.

Fear

Since I started writing this blog it's been such a journey. I remember the many days I cried, and I remember all the hours I sat and asked God to end everything. I did not want to live this life. It was not a blessing, but instead a curse. Despite feeling cursed, I made the decision to move forward. I fought to save my former marriage. I ran towards God. I sought opportunities to serve, and I became vocal about what we as men needed to do to grow relationships. There was joy there because of my running towards God, but healing seemed to evade me. I never felt like God was there regardless of any effort that I made to draw closer to Him, and yet I still kept witnessing about Him. I chose to act in faith instead. I lived in fear of the future, of the unknown, and whether or not I could ever trust another woman in my life.

This fear has been a driving force in how I've dealt with people. I let friends get close. However, if you were a woman, you'd get close, then I'd freak out. Seriously, I'd freak out. Then came Jenn. There was something different about her. Something sure....something honest. She struck the right chords in me. She made me uncomfortable with how I was. She drew me in...and I pursued. Over time, I believe God has used her to break down walls in me that I didn't even know existed, and when I try and build new ones, Jenn will have none of it. She is relentless. Why do I love her? Among other reasons, its because she does not hide...THERE IS NO FEAR with her when it comes to me. She refuses to let me hide and as the future spiritual leader of our family, I must not hide.

Here's the thing... I feel like I'm at the apex of my journey. As Jenn and I move closer to our wedding date, all of my fears are coming out. All of the insecurities that I've been blogging about recently seem to running at me full speed. Before they were paralyzing me and kept me backing away from women especially, and now as I've finally been able to see the girl God has for me, these fears continue to be an obstacle.

So what is this fear? It's the fear of not being good enough. It's a fear of loss and abandonment. I've been left by people throughout my life and I'm to the point now where I sometimes don't feel like I'm good enough to love. I understand that's a lie from Satan and that God made us to love, and to be loved. Jenn has not given me any reason to believe that she would abandon me, and I have to have faith that the God who loves me is giving me a woman just as committed to righteousness as I am.

Okay, so what is the point of my ramble? I guess at the core of it, I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fearing what might be. I need to man up and face this once and for all. I need to be the man that Jenn can depend on to be a fearless man of God, who prays night and day for His family and takes the role of spiritual leader in our home. I've had enough! I believe 2 Timothy 1:7 says it best:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (NKJV)

This fear is not from God and it's time I had that sound mind. I need to be the other centered husband to Jenn. I understand that we all deal with insecurities, but this has to go. I need to be the Ephesians 5 husband. I need to die to myself to be a part of something greater. I also know that this is not something I can do on my own. The entire reason I write this is to ask those of you praying Christians who read this to pray for me and to hold me accountable. Because I love this girl so much, I'm willing to pour it out to you all here and say please...pray for me. I will no longer tolerate fear in my life.

July 4th

Today is our country's 233rd birthday. We're basically a baby in comparison with most other country's, and here we are both loved and hated. Sometimes I can see why we are hated. We've made some poor decisions. At times we've hurt other countries with our policy choices. We've alienated many groups in order to take our place in this world. However, despite all of our mistakes and failures, I'm convinced that our country is one of the greatest causes for good on Earth. We still send billions of dollars in aid to other countries, even as our own people struggle. We've fought to protect the lives of those who could not protect themselves. The American people, Democrat, Republican, or Independent, have been willing to sacrifice our own lives for the greater good. Where other countries have been unwilling to get their hands dirty, we've stepped up and taken the lead in a world that resents us for doing so. I'm proud to have risked my life for nine years in our military to serve this country. I'm proud to have served next to so many other heroic men and women who would not hesitate to lay their lives down in the name of freedom.

That being said our country has taken some dangerous steps in the past few years. We've taken steps towards socialism with our recent domestic policy changes, and morally we've moved away from the foundations that this country was built on: God. If we allow our country to continue down these pathes we risk losing all that our forefathers fought for. On this day, our country's birthday, lets celebrate our escaping from tyranny and remember that we still have something to fight for: our country's goodness.

Meet the Parents

Well, this weekend was interesting to say the least. Jenn and I both met our soon-to-be in-laws and I must admit, it went well. I was pleasantly surprised at how welcoming her parents were with me. They even fed me! I’m just kidding. Of course they fed me, but they genuinely enjoyed getting to know me a little bit too. I really enjoyed getting to know them a bit, and by getting to know them, I learned a little bit more about how Jenn is built.

Jenn meeting my parents turned out to be a little awkward. The kids were unusually shy and my dad managed to be AWOL, but she did enjoy meeting and talking with my mom. My mom liked her and even noted that she’d never seen me happier. Jenn and I even sang our songs for Sunday morning for the family.

By the way, we did sing for her parents’ church. I guess we did okay. I was still a little nervous, but I calmed down when I realized there were no tomatoes heading my way. I also earned brownie points for the weekend for taking Jenn to Grandpa’s Cheese Barn. Among the important things to learn about her so far is that she likes cheese…a lot. Ha!

Divorce

I’m a little frustrated to watch the news nowadays. Everywhere I turn, there is someone getting a divorce. It’s just so hard to watch. The most recent one I saw was with the reality television show “John and Kate Plus 8” on the TLC Network. It’s frustrating to read their reasoning as to why the divorce is “necessary” and how easily they are playing it off like it’s better for their kids that they split apart. That rationale just doesn’t make sense. It’s not like the husband is abusing the kids or his wife. There is no real reason to just give up. I don’t know what kind of people they are or what exactly they are going through and I definitely want to be careful not to judge, especially since I am divorced too. However, I question their decision to divorce based on a few thoughts:

1. Have they forgotten the commitment that they made to each other when they married all those years ago?
2. Have they even tried counseling? Judging from the statements they’ve made, I can tell you that the book and seminar “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs would certainly be able to help them there. It doesn’t seem like they are even trying. Seriously.
3. Divorces affect your kids for the worse, not the better. It sets a poor example of commitment and leads the children to have to deal with parents who are often opposing each other instead of supporting each other. To try and say that getting a divorce is better for the kids is like saying that coffee is better for you than water. It’s just not true.

To me, if you really care about your kids’ welfare, you’d get your television show off the air, seclude yourself from the media, get counseling to repair your marriage, and prove to your children that a marriage is more than just words, it’s action.

I don’t mean to come across as judging. I’ve been there. I went through parental divorce and I went through my own divorce. It was worse than death for me, and it’s only taken God intervening in my life to get me to the point where I can love and trust again. I believe we have to fight for our marriages or else the commitment we made before God, family, and friends becomes absolutely meaningless. It seems people get married for the fun nowadays but are unwilling to help build something greater, and something greater is what God meant marriage to be.

Anyways, let’s keep that family in prayer, as well as other families. Satan seeks to steal, kill, and destroy, and where better for him to do that than within God’s created institution, marriage?

Songwriter

When I was a teenager I used to spend a lot of time writing lyrics. In fact, I used to have binders full of them. I’d work on putting music to them and I’d often sit alone trying to sing them through. I didn’t tell many people I’d written these lyrics. Only a couple people really. In fact, if you were my friend and remember me showing you my binders of lyrics, raise your hand because I don’t remember. I’m pretty sure I showed a couple friends from church, but for the most part, they were a hidden part of me. However, there was one song that I wrote right before I went to boot camp that was pretty special, and I showed it to my grandmother. She loved it and took a copy of it and taped it up on her study door. She never took it down, and as far as I know, it was one of her most treasured memories about me.

A couple years ago when my grandmother passed away, my aunt gave me a box of memorabilia that Grandma kept of mine. The song that I’d given her was on the top of the box. I read it through and wished that I could write like that again. I knew it was a pipe dream, so I put the box away and moved on, missing that part of who I was. I used to sing, and I used to write. Now, I could do neither.

As I began walking towards God again, I began to really see my passion for music returning. I asked God to give me back my voice, and I’ve started to sing again. I’m not sure how good I am anymore, but I did sing at that wedding in May and I think I sounded okay, even though I was a nervous wreck. Something else also happened: I started to write again. It came out of nowhere; I just started writing. I’d be sitting at my desk at work and the words would just come. Then last week, I was over at Jenn’s place, and we had just enjoyed lunch together. As she went back to work, I grabbed a pen and paper and started writing. Twenty minutes later, Jenn heard me singing the song I’d just written and walked out of her office, looking at me funny. What’s going on with me? A few days later, I was trying to remember how the tune went for that song, and I finally got it and sang it for her. Suddenly, she just got up and walked out of the room. As she was walking out I asked her what she was doing. She called back that she was looking for a way to record the song so I wouldn’t forget it again, and so that she could figure out the chords for it. What? This thing is decent enough to record? Apparently! Now my mind is constantly moving… there’s music in my mind and words flowing out of it. Where’d this come from?

(Incidentally, Jenn has long desired to write songs for God, though she’s never been able to. Now, she’s ecstatic that perhaps He’s finally answering her prayer by giving me to be her partner in such projects. Pretty cool, eh? Yeah, we’ll make a good team. But she still hasn’t bought into my plan to form a band together. Ah, well, give her time!)

Father

I understand that maybe I’m a bit late on writing this, but better late than never I guess. I’ve had time to really look back at how my life has changed since I became a Ciapala. You see, I used to have a different name until my step-dad adopted me when I was twelve years old. Before he made that choice to take me on as his son, I’d been through two separate father figures. One of them was abusive to both my mother and me before he decided to just leave his family. The second one was a good man who was overwhelmed and just made lots of mistakes with us. He later apologized to us for the things he did, and we definitely get along great now. However, that still left me without a dad. I had no one to look up to except Granddad and he was getting closer to passing away. (He did go to be with Jesus when I was 13.) Things changed when my mom married Mr. Frank Ciapala.

I remember when I found out that he and Mom were getting married. I was not happy at all. I was angry and didn’t understand yet another change in my life. Now I had to try and accept another person as an influence in my life. I went upstairs crying when my mom told me and hid in my room. Dad came over after work and my mom told him what happened. Instead of getting angry, he just came upstairs and knelt down in front of me. He asked me why I was upset and I told him. He smiled and shed a tear, at least from what I remember. He told me he loved me and wanted to adopt me. He wanted to be my dad. Then he hugged me. From that point on I was perfectly fine with the marriage and on November 8, 1990, when he adopted me, I couldn’t have been more proud to change my name. He accepted my mom and her three kids. He worked his tail off to provide, and in the process tried to give us a better life. I remember him taking me to my first baseball game. It was on July 20, 1991 at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh, and the Pirates lost to the Reds, 3-2. It was a great time and it was just the two of us. I’ll never forget it. I think my passion for baseball was born on that day.

Dad is flawed. We both are. We didn’t get along in high school and there were things that happened that we both regret, but we got it together when I joined the military and I know that he is very proud of me. I know he’s not perfect. In fact, I know that he makes tons of mistakes, just like me. However, I’m still proud to carry his name, and I believe that the day is not yet here where we will all see the best of him. So to him I say, “Happy belated Father’s Day.”

Power, Love, and a Starry Night

This past Saturday, Jenn and I escaped the stress of post-engagement life and ventured out to Hocking Hills for a weekend of hiking and camping out. It was our first somewhat major trip as a couple and with it came certain stresses. It was also an opportunity for us to seriously seek God’s face for guidance as well.

So, we left Cincinnati on Saturday morning… oh, wait… we were both running late… so we left on Saturday afternoon. However, we put our sluggish start behind us and made our way up to Hocking Hills singing and working on our song that we’re going to sing at her parents’ church in a couple weeks. It was a fun time for me to just enjoy music with her. We arrived at about 3:30 and got set up. We chose to camp out at the non-electric area to get away from all the other campers a bit, but we gave up a large amount of space in order to have that isolation: literally, our plot was the size of my kitchen. (So, just for advice’s sake, stay away from campsite 84 at Hocking Hills State Park campground.) Anyways, we were off hiking by 4:00 o’clock and heading towards Old Man’s Cave. This was an interesting time for us. I’m sure Jenn wanted to see if I would be patient while she took picture after picture, and I had the opportunity to really see her in her element. You see, as much as Jenn is a city girl, she loves nature. It’s how she gets in touch with God. So it was just neat to see her in her element.

Of course, as we saw some of the sights there, we couldn’t help but think of how cool it would be to get married at a couple of these sites in Hocking Hills…


But in general, I just enjoyed being there with my girl. You see, while she’s the kind of girl that loves nature, I’ve never really been one to get excited about it. I used to just go to appease others. Maybe now I can see it’s about the company you keep because I was very happy to be there. In fact, I was looking forward to the trip the entire week! I’ll get more into this later but it’s just neat to see what God has done in me to change how I’m wired.

After the hike, we got cleaned up and headed into a nearby town, Logan. We found a little local pizza joint and enjoyed a delicious dinner together. The food was great, especially those heart attack-inducing breadsticks they served us. I think they used a stick of butter on those things! However, we had a great time and headed back to camp.

When we got back to the campground it was pitch black outside, so Jenn came up with the marvelous idea of watching the stars. We pulled out a blanket and laid it on our picnic table. She lay down next to me and within 10 seconds we saw a shooting star. The sky was so bright with stars, too many to count. I just lay there and marveled at God’s handiwork. I can’t believe we forget how big He is sometimes. Now I know why Jenn loves being out in nature so much, and I find myself wondering why I never noticed it before. Jenn fell asleep next to me as we watched the stars. It was one of the most romantic moments I’ve ever experienced. I truly love this woman.

The next day we got up, showered and sat down for some time with the Lord. We’ve been reading in Isaiah together so we just continued there. We prayed, and then we spent about two hours singing praise and worship. This had to be an interesting sight for the campers nearby, but we had a wonderful time worshipping God and practicing our songs. Have I mentioned that one my favorite things to do with Jenn is to sing with her? Afterwards, we packed up, ate, and hit the trails again. This is where I really believe God made our weekend.

We both had our thoughts going into this weekend. For me, as I’ve already written, I felt my insecurities were hindering me. But after spending time with Jenn this weekend, and having her express how deeply she loves me, I came to understand just how much these insecurities are affecting us. I’m learning that when you fall in love with someone and you begin that road toward marriage, you begin to allow that person to have power in your life. As I’ve struggled with insecurities, it has affected her, which in turn has affected me. In the end it becomes a cycle, and if not prayerfully and carefully considered, I believe it can destroy relationships. I honestly believe the talks that Jenn and I had out there in the woods on Sunday were ordained by God. We both left Hocking Hills feeling like we accomplished something. Personally, I felt set free from all the worries and concerns and truly able to love this woman while expecting nothing in return. I’m making a choice to finally let go of these insecurities and give them to God. I’m making the choice to love this woman unconditionally and to believe in the plan God has for us. I’m choosing to believe that we will honor the power that God has allowed us to have over each other and use that power to enthrone Him in the middle of our relationship. I believe that we two lovebirds will enjoy many more starry nights as we continue to pursue God together.

Selfish

I wrote not too long ago about the insecurities that I deal with and how it seems to affect me on a daily basis. It’s botched up relationships, friendships, and has simply gotten in the way of some of my hopes and dreams for my life. Now with my recent engagement it seems like these old insecurities are rearing their ugly head again. It’s getting old, and to be honest, I understand that it’s becoming selfish.

When I let these insecurities get in my head it brings my attention back to myself instead of being able to give of myself to others, including God, my fiancé, my family, and my friends, etc. I hate that part of me and I want nothing more than to be able to purge that part of who I am. Why can’t I believe that I can be loved? Jenn obviously loves me or she’d never have said yes to marrying my sorry butt! It’s driving me crazy. It’s obvious that God loves me. I mean really, He’s blessed me all of my life despite all the times I’ve run from Him and despite all of my failures. He’s blessing me with a second chance at marriage with an amazing woman that adores me and is also very patient with me in spite of my shortcomings. Gah!! It’s so aggravating!

I don’t want to be internal. I want to be external. I need to love everyone around me and I can do that when I worry about myself. Jenn certainly deserves better than that. So as I work through stuff I’d ask you to pray for me and, as always, hold me accountable. I refuse to become my bio-dad.

Second Chances

Ever since my marriage fell apart, it’s been a long journey to wholeness. Along the way I’ve made some good decisions, some weird decisions, and some poor decisions. I’ve helped people. God has used me to touch many lives, but when I’ve gone out on my own, I’ve made poor choices and have sometimes hurt people I care about. I’m not proud of these poor choices, as I’ve already blogged. I’ve made bad decisions in dating, friendships, and in dealing with co-workers. And every time that I can remember, I’ve paid the price one way or another. Now here I am looking back over the past two months and thinking, “How on earth do I deserve any of this?”

I’ve already written about Jenn. When we met, I was sporadically dating and didn’t think much of it, but within a week I realized there was something about her that seemed to reach into my soul. I started to talk and spend more time with her and started to feel things I hadn’t been able to feel in so long. That really doesn’t mean a lot because it’s really just feelings, right? However, I started to do more than feel. I started to know. It was fast, too. Everything was a whirlwind as I realized while driving down to see her one day that I was willing to do almost anything for her. I realized I was willing to lay my life down for her. Up until this point, I don’t think I ever really knew what love truly was. Even when I was married, I don’t think I understood it. It’s more than a feeling. It’s more than just a moment. This is where I have some regrets… I’ve said and done things in the name of love in my past which I’ve come to realize just were not the case. I should have known better. I claim to know God, and GOD IS LOVE! In all of this, I’ve hurt people! Not just people I’ve had relationships with, but my friends! I can’t believe I’ve hurt people like this. Oh my…for anyone that’s reading this that I may have hurt, I’m sorry and I ask your forgiveness.

This is where I get down to the true subject here: second chances. As Jenn and I began to grow closer, she started to get into my heart like no one really ever has. Ok…let me stress that again. She started to get into my heart like no one ever has. This concerned me and I started praying. I also stopped talking to or dating anyone else. This happened probably within the first seven days of meeting her. She had me flipped upside down and all around. It scared me and I started praying. I literally started asking God to get her out of my life if she wasn’t supposed to be a major part of it because I saw what was happening in me: I was beginning to trust her. I was telling her deeper things than even my closest friends knew. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. But the more I prayed, the more I felt I should pursue. And the more I pursued, the more my heart grew for her. It was fast and didn’t take long, but I fell in love with this woman. It wasn’t just a feeling, but a truth. I saw that I was willing to die for her. I wanted to be that guy in her life, and I wanted her to be that girl in my life. I continued pursuing her, even though I knew she didn’t initially feel that same love. As I prayed, I grew more confident in what was going on between us. We became “official” and that was special in itself, but the growth continued, and out of nowhere, Jenn told me that she loved me. It was completely unexpected, but you could tell how true she felt in saying it. Talk about change, right?

Well, more change continued to come. Right before Jenn went out to California for her brother’s wedding, we actually broached the subject of marriage. By now I understood that I could one day marry her, but it was just a small thought in a grander scheme. However, when she left for California, I realized how real everything was. I didn’t just understand that I could marry her one day, but I realized that this girl was indeed the girl for me. I missed her presence in my life every day she was gone and I simply longed to hear her voice. I could tell that it was the same way on her end. When she got home, the subject became more real. Jenn is the girl for me to marry. So we talked a little more and then we actually went ring shopping. Trust me: during this time I was praying… I didn’t go into this blindly. The next day, I bought the ring…and on Friday, I asked her to marry me.

Okay, okay, okay…I’m sure there are quite a few people going HOLD ON…. Isn’t this way too fast? Are you sure about this? I know Jenn has been asked these questions, and even though no one has really said that to me, I’m sure someone has thought it. Well, trust me, it may be fast, but I didn’t rush. It may seem rash, but there was a lot of prayer and even some fasting that was involved. In the end, I simply understood that I love this girl and I wanted to spend my life with her, and I didn’t need the traditional 8 months plus to figure that out. Jenn is the woman I love, and I happen to be the man she loves, and we both understand what we are getting into. So if anyone here is concerned about the timing, thank you. Just understand that sometimes things can’t be explained with normal logic or tradition. Sometimes we defy all logic. In this case, the logical mind states that we are rushing, but the truth is there was no rush involved, just two people who understand that they don’t want to live this life without each other. You don’t have to believe what I’m saying; that’s fine. Regardless, marriage is a serious step that we are preparing to make, and we need your support, prayers, and knowledge to get it right.

Please understand that we both know this is our second chance. We both know this is a blessing, and neither of us is willing to risk that second chance. I don’t deserve this second chance, but instead God has blessed me with a woman that has surpassed every hope and dream I could imagine. So here’s to second chances. May we honor God with them, especially considering that without His grace, we don’t deserve them.