Pain

I think it was around 6 pm last night when the whispers in my heart came. I started to understand that my wife was not going to show up. I believe it was the Lord gently preparing me for what was ahead. Basically, in my spirit, I knew. When I got there I simply stood there and hoped...and prayed. When 9:05 passed....I knew that I was going to have to sign those papers.

This morning I stood in front of a notary at Kinko's in tears signing away 9 years of marriage. I went to work and put my envelope with the papers in the mail. The clerk asked me if I wanted a tracking number, and I laughed and told her, "Ma'am in that envelope is my divorce papers, and since I don't want a divorce, I can really care less if the papers actually get there. So no, I don't want a tracking number." She laughed and said ok.

I called my wife and let her know I sent the papers in. She seemed happy about it. I wonder now how it can be like this. I've stood my ground, obeyed God, trusted Him, allowed Him dominion in my life...yet she's the one happy and getting what she wants. She actually accidentally told me about something in her life that hurt me even more. Somehow, I have to keep hoping and believing in his plan for my life. But right now its hard to do...all I feel is pain.