Passionate

Sometimes we don’t realize how passionate God is, especially for his people. Over the years as I’ve read and studied the Bible, I’ve focused on the stories and the teachings, and maybe occasionally noticing that God is passionate, but today was different. I’ve been in the book of Isaiah for awhile and today as I was reading in chapter 44, I saw how God had raised up Cyrus to allow the exiles to return to their homeland. I was astonished by God's passion for his people as seen in verse 22 and continuing through 23. Take a look:

“I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Sing for joy, you heavens, for the Lord has done this; shout aloud, you earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all your trees, for the Lord has redeemed Jacob, he displays his glory in Israel” (Isaiah 44:22-23, TNIV)

Do you see the passion in His words? Do you feel them etching onto your heart? At the moment I first read this today I was astounded by the passion that God displays not only in this passage but throughout the entire Bible. How often do we miss this? His passion for His creation is so deep. He uses words that describe his passion like '"sing", "burst", "shout" and "swept" when describing His actions and desires in celebrating the redemption of His people. If you ever sit back and truly wonder, “Does God care?” then you definitely have your answers in the passages. Of course, the greatest example of His passion is found in Christ. It simply amazes me how much God truly loves us.

I Am Not a Nice Man

Over the past few years and as far back as I can remember I’ve had the label of “nice guy.” A recent quiz that I took on Facebook reminded me of that when it labeled me as the “Nice guy that everyone thinks is gay.” That struck a chord with me because there were plenty of people in high school especially who saw me as the nice guy…who might just be gay. So while I thought the quiz was funny, and I’m glad some fellow Facebookers got a laugh out of it, I was reminded that I’ve kind of always been the guy that is seen as the nice guy. The sensitive guy…the one all the girls could talk to back in the day, but yet none of them would date. (Most of my girlfriends were outside of the friendly confines of school.)

I’ve come to realize over time that one of the things my ex desired was for her man to be a man of action. I was much more passive and I let the world beat me down. I didn’t often say “no” to her, or anyone else for that matter. I was docile and in truth, I failed to be a good protector. In the end, I lost her and she’s out there doing whatever it is she is doing and I’ve had to make changes in my life in realization of who God and Jesus really are.

There is something that I want people to understand: while I may have the nice guy personality, I am not a nice man. I’m trusting God to make me into a good man, which is far different than a nice man. I’m learning that the world’s definition of a nice man is a “yes” person who is passive and avoids confrontation. I’m seeing that the nice guy of today often lacks the courage to do anything more than be the shoulder to cry on, or be that special friend that a girl can depend on but doesn’t date because she has her eye on the guy with the courage to stand up and be real. I’m not passive anymore. Sure, I might be the shoulder that Jenn cries on if need be, at least I believe I am, but I can tell you this, if she’s wrong on something, I tell her, and I expect the same from her. If there is a problem that needs solving, I’m there…no questions asked. God didn’t call us to be the passive, little nice guys that many Christian men are today. We aren’t always supposed to be politically correct and proper. Jesus was not always so proper. Was it proper of him to drive solicitors out of God’s temple? No, it was not. But was it the righteous and holy thing to do? Absolutely!

I keep running this race towards God and the more I run towards Him, the more I understand that the true definition of a man isn’t just in how nice you are, but instead it’s about how far you are willing to go to be the man that God wants you to be. Does this mean being mean to people instead Mr. Nice Guy? No, of course not. However, it does mean telling someone “no” from time to time. It does mean protecting those who are hurting. It means taking action. It means being a man of integrity with the torch that lightens those dark corners of the earth. It means being a good man, not the defined nice man that we see today.

Heart

I find it amazing how easily the human heart can grow hard or cold if we aren’t careful. I’m convinced that Proverbs 4:23 is about guarding your heart from more than just having your heart broken, but from leading us down a road to where we could break someone else’s heart. I mean that more than just in a relationship with someone. I mean it with all people. We aren’t really a reflection of God’s love if our hearts are cold towards people. We’re supposed to unconditionally love all people. We’re supposed to have compassion for all people.

I recently had someone tell me that during her marriage, her now ex-spouse told her that if she wanted unconditional love then she needed to go God or her parents instead of him. As far as I understand, this was a solid Christian man at one point. I know a woman who was once called by her former youth pastor the most faithful and committed young lady he had known, and now she has grown cold towards people that she once loved, and looks to please only herself. I remember how I used to be. I never meant my ex any harm or anyone else for that matter, but at one point, my heart grew colder towards people. I stopped loving…I grew selfish. As a result, I lost much, and I lost so many opportunities to build others. I have years of lost opportunities where I could have encouraged so many people.

Hardening your heart doesn’t happen overnight. It’s slow. It’s a process. Do you really think that Pharaoh’s heart grew cold overnight? The Bible notes that God hardened his heart, but if you put that in perspective, if your heart is filled with the love of God, it’s not going to harden. Solomon started his reign in Israel with his eyes upon the Lord. When he began focusing on the world is when things began unraveling for him. It’s impossible to have the loving heart God desires us to have when we don’t have relationship with him. Look at Proverbs 4:23 again:

“Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.” (NIV)

It is the wellspring of life. Our lifeblood comes from God and his love pours out of us. We need to guard that wellspring. We can’t let it be drained by sin and selfishness. I saw a great quote on Facebook this morning that my friend Eric Obert noted: “The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s selfishness.” I wonder where he got that quote from, but it’s true. So guard your heart from those things that may hurt you, but also guard it from the things that may prevent you from sharing the love of God with others…remember His love is unconditional.

Jenn

So I met this girl. It started off meeting online (go ahead…poke fun at me, I don’t really care) where we got the facts about other. We started emailing a bit, which eventually became like we were writing novels to one another, and then we finally started talking on the phone. Before I even spoke to her, I knew I wanted to ask her out, and the first time I spoke with her became a four hour phone call. Okay, for those of you following along, yes that’s one hour longer than the S.S. Minnow’s three hour tour. We laughed, joked, and in general just poked fun at each other for the entire call, while getting some serious conversation in as well. She got me interested. So our first date was just a simple date in Cincinnati. I took her to dinner and a movie down on the Ohio River. We even talked over ice cream on the bridge crossing between states. The view of the water on the bridge was awesome, but as I discovered, so was the company. She was rather quiet and tired, considering she had just run 20 miles that morning preparing to run the Flying Pig Marathon, so by the time I dropped her off, I didn’t think she had as good a time as I did. I drove away thinking that she probably was not interested.

Well guess what? I was wrong. At first we were just going to be friends. I wasn’t in a hurry to be exclusive but I was very interested. She wanted to play the field a bit. You know, enjoy dating people, have a little fun, make new friends, etc. The only thing is that as I started growing closer to her, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Apparently, I was having a similar effect on her, and almost seven weeks later…well here we are. She’s my girlfriend. It happened pretty fast, and I pretty much blew her whole plan to date around out of the water. It’s kinda funny actually.

I can tell you now that I enjoy virtually everything we do together, whether it’s going riding or running. Whether we’re on the couch watching a movie, or at church, I just enjoy this woman. My favorite thing to do with her is to sing praise and worship with her playing the guitar. We sing very well together. I’m learning that she’s trustworthy and very caring. I’m seeing a woman devoted to serving God. She’s quickly becoming my best friend. I can talk to her about anything without fear of judgment or being rejected. She accepts me for all that I am, and believes in the man that God has planned for me to become. The point I’m trying to make is that this woman, Jenn, has become a great blessing in my life. I don’t know what the future holds in terms of our relationship, but I can tell you that I have high hopes for her and for the first time, I’m not afraid to see what lies ahead. So everyone, meet Jenn. She’s a pretty awesome girl.

Someone Told Me I Can’t Today

I’m tired of it. I truly am. I’m a 30-year-old man, who for most of those 30 years has been told that he can’t do this and can’t do that. “Derek, you can’t join the Air Force, they won’t take you with a webbed toe.” (Yes, I have a webbed toe) “Derek, you’ll never get into college, you’re too stupid.” “Derek, you’ll never amount to anything” Blah Blah Blah. I’ve seriously had enough. Have I not proven, backed by a Holy God, that I can accomplish things? I made it through 9 years in the military, with my temper being what it used to be, and still made it to First Class Petty Officer. I managed a 3.59 GPA at The Ohio State University, when all I could muster in high school was a 1.93. Yes…that’s right…a 1.93. I survived a divorce that brutalized me physically, mentally, and emotionally and I kept going… I kept the faith. I stood tall. I made mistakes, but I made it. Yet, I still hear, “Derek, you can’t do this.” Says who?

Today, I was talking to a manager about the possibility of working late October 18th so I can run the Columbus Marathon that morning. It’s the Sunday of the final Washington Mutual conversion to Chase and we are needed to work. I was inquiring about the possibility of working later that day so I can run it instead of the November 7th Indianapolis Marathon, and this guy that I work with proceeded to question whether or not I could do it. As I was coaching him on a call, he then told me that I could run the marathon sure…I could run the drink stations or I can run the finish line. He thought it was funny, I certainly didn’t. I’m just tired of people doubting me. This guy doesn’t even know me, but I felt torn down that someone would tell me I can’t. Please let me clarify, I don’t think he meant anything bad by saying what he said. I’m sensitive on this and I will continue to be. I’m going to run it, Lord-willing. Kidney stones won’t stop me, my ankles won’t stop me, and my past failures won’t stop me. So that being said…I welcome anyone who wants to stay on my butt for this. I’m running this race.

I admit that I need help though. I can’t run it without God. I can’t do anything without Him. It sounds weird for me to say I need him for such a personal venture. However, I need Him with me. I need Him running that race besides me. It’s only through Him will the right people breathe life into my heart and mind. It’s only through Him that I can even live. I’m going to run it, and I won’t be alone. I can and will do this

Insecurities

You know they say women are not attracted to insecure men. I guess that means for the most part I’d be in trouble. I’ve never really felt secure in who I am. I see so many flaws and a riddled past. I see a failed marriage and broken friendships. I truly long for a day when all my little insecurities will no longer be an issue. It’s affected me for years, and only got worse when I went through the whole divorce process. I’ve been through so much healing and so much of who I am has become new, but I still struggle to shake the lack of confidence I have in some parts of who I am. I mean certainly, I’m good at a quite a few things. However, there are weaknesses in my armor. Am I worth truly loving one day? Am I good enough? These questions don’t just linger in the back of my mind, but they haunt me. I know it’s affected my friendships and kept me from giving myself to one person. I recently lost a friend because of how I can be. It’s time for a change.

I’m fortunate that there is someone in my life who does believe in me and does trust me, and that, in part, helped make the decision to jump into a relationship easy. She’s seen me be insecure and instead of being turned off, believes in who I’m going to be. I’ve grown tired of not believing in the person God created me to be, and I’ve grown tired of a few people close to me not believing in me either. So in that I’m thankful for a handful of people in my life who probably know me better then I know myself, and another that is well on her way. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. That’s my prayer right now. I need to feel the Father’s arms around me and Him charging me to move forward. I need to feel His strength in me. I’m simply done with all these little insecurities.

Endure

Let me tell you that I have a lot to write about over the next couple of days. It’s been such an interesting life to live this past month. I’ve been spending a lot of time in Cincinnati of late and I must say I’ve been inspired. The young woman I’ve been seeing is the motivated sort. You know the kind of person that will climb a tree just to prove she can or the kind of person who will run a marathon because she believed she could. Well, this past weekend…she did, and then she bucked up and accompanied me to Isaac’s wedding. Talk about enduring. This was her first marathon. I met her at the finish line and she was hurt and exhausted, but she had made it through. She endured. It's really got me thinking about some of the things I missed.

You see I started the year off with a resolution to race in a hundred mile bike event this year, but as much as I love cycling, there has been an itch that I've wanted to scratch. You know, something missing that I once had hoped to do. When I was serving in Italy in 2001 a group of us guys decided that we were going to run the Venice Marathon that following October. So we started training...and training...and training...and oops I messed up my ankles following an 8 mile Saturday run. It wound up being bad enough that I had to go into physical therapy and that was my race. Only one of us made it to Venice that year, and he tore his quadriceps muscle at about halfway through the race. It was a bittersweet ending to that group.

Now here I am eight years later watching people I respect do things I'd hoped to do. I loved it when Konan did an Iron Man a couple years ago. I thought it was pretty awesome when a couple of friends started doing triathlons yet here I am once again wishing I had the courage to endure the struggles and go for it. It's ironic that I say that because anyone who knows me knows how much I've been through. However, this is different. This is personal and this seems to follow me in every activity that I take part in. I need to do it...and so I am. I'm going to run the Chicago Marathon on October 12th this year. I'm not looking to make this a career or anything. I'd much rather just choose to do this once and then go get involved with cycling. This is just something I want to do. I need to do it just to be rid of the old and in with the new.

Now I know I'm going to need accountability on this. I'm sure there will be times when I try and bum it out, so if anyone wants to hold me accountable on this, please do. I need it.

A special thanks to those who have endured me since my divorce...I haven't always made right decisions. I've made quite a few mistakes. I've hurt feelings and I've lost a couple people close to me. Thanks for sticking by me and believing in what God has been doing in me. I'm going to do this and hopefully find a way to glorify God in the process.

A special thanks to Jenn for reminding me about what it means to have determination and to follow through on what you start.

If anyone has any good marathon plans send them on over. I can use all the help I can get. I'm looking forward to enduring all that I need to do to make this happen. It's important to me now. I must endure this.