Fireproof

Ever since the movie “Fireproof” came out, I’ve wanted to watch it…and I’ve avoided watching it at the same time. The basic of the story is that there is a married couple whose marriage is about to blow up, and the husband's father gives him a journal with biblical things to do. God uses it to bring them back to Him and save their marriage. I’ve wanted to see it because marriage is such a passion of mine on my heart, but I’ve avoided it because I know watching it will remind me of all of my failures and all of my mistakes. I wasn’t ready to face myself in the mirror one more time.

However, today my mom made it a point to tell me she’d seen it and how much it had impacted her. I reacted with anger that had just come from no where. I wasn’t angry at my ex, I was angry at myself, and I was angry at not getting the same chance the guy in the movie got to save his marriage. I was angry because I was once that man, you know the man who was selfish and all about himself. I was the man who allowed other things to bring down his walk with God and his relationship with his wife. I was that man! I realized at that point that for all of the forgiving I’ve had to do, I’ve never forgiven myself. I’ve forgiven mt ex-wife and the friends of hers that got involved. I’ve forgiven the members of her family that sat back and encouraged her to do what she did. However, I’ve never forgiven myself for all my flaws. I’ve never forgiven myself for doing all the things that lead to the pain I went through. I've never forgiven myself for not being the husband she needed and wanted. I’ve never forgiven myself and accepted that the Derek who was left that Sunday morning does not exist anymore.

Today, I’m making a conscious decision that I know will affect the rest of my life. On my way home, I’m picking up Fireproof, going to grab Megatron, a box of tissues, and a blanket, and I’m going to watch that movie. Then I’m going to thank God that he allowed such a powerful movie to be made, and forgive myself for all that I’ve done. I’m just not that guy anymore. I’m different…it’s time I accepted it, and started acting like it. I’m not living in defeat any more. I am not the man I was…I am redeemed by the resurrecting power of Jesus Christ and through that grace and mercy alone, I deserve a second chance. No more of this…no more doubts…no more wondering…just doing…and it starts now.