My Legacy

Last weekend, Jenn and I traveled up to Cleveland, Ohio, for our first marriage conference as a wedded couple. I have to be honest here: I didn’t want to go. It wasn’t because I didn’t value time with my wife or the information the conference had to offer. Instead, I was concerned about getting some school work and writing done in time for the end of the month.

I was also concerned that this conference would try to make me pour my heart out to a bunch of strangers. That certainly wasn’t at the top of my list for the weekend. However, the folks at FamilyLife designed this seminar as more of an informational session. They were there to help us open up lines of communication with our spouses. I appreciated that, and I quickly bought into the weekend.

The truth is that I’ve spent so much time pursuing my dreams that I allowed my priorities to get out of order. I wasn’t giving my wife the time she needs with me, and in truth, I missed her. This past weekend in Cleveland wasn’t a cure-all, but it woke me up to the needs of my family. It reminded me of how much Jenn loves me . . . and how much I love her.

I have to make changes in my life. I have a legacy to protect. My wife and I plan on starting our family soon, and I must be ready to lead this family. I must be prepared to raise my children to love the Lord. I must become the person that I want my kids to become.

It probably sounds a bit prideful for me to talk about my legacy. However, that’s not how I view it. I want my grandchildren and great-grandchildren to grow up serving the Lord. I want them to trace their family line and know that I set the example for them. I want my family tree to show men and women of God who boldly spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the world. I know it begins with me. I’m the one God assigned this role, and He gave me Jenn to help make this happen.

It begins with Jenn. It all begins with her . . . the love of my life. I understand that I must protect her, encourage her, and love her. I know that I must help her grow into the woman that God desires for her to be. Jenn is the greatest gift that the Lord could ever have given me (outside of my salvation), and I need to treat that gift with every ounce of love I can give her. When we have our children, they need to see how much we love and honor each other. They will learn from us how to treat their spouses . . . and how to love God.

It all comes down to what kind of house Jenn and I build. My legacy begins with a sacred declaration, a rule.

“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”  Joshua 24:15 (NIV)

My legacy – our legacy – is to be built on this rule: My house will serve the Lord.

The Struggling Man

When I went through my divorce, one of the first issues I had to deal with was how to be the godly man a wife needs. The truth is I failed miserably in many aspects of that marriage, and now that I’m remarried I struggle to figure out what to do in many situations. Sometimes I can’t decide what to do. I just sit there paralyzed, trying to figure out what action to take. What do I say, what do I do? How do I do what’s best for Jenn to show her love?

A husband’s love is supposed to be sacrificial according to the Bible, but what do you do in situations where making the sacrifice feels like you’re doing more harm than good? I know, I know, prayer is supposed to be the answer, but to be honest, sometimes I pray and I don’t feel as though I’m getting an answer. Of course, I know that isn’t true. I guess in many ways I’m just struggling under the responsibility of being the husband that God calls me to be. I’m afraid of failure. I don’t want to ever hold Jenn back from God or anything that she’s driven to do. As always, prayers are appreciated.

Confession

When I started this blog two-and-a-half years ago, I opened up about many of the things I went through before and during my first marriage. I took anyone who read this blog on a journey with me. I’ve made it a point to be honest about who I am, my struggles, and what I believe in. My goal has always been to use my struggles to help encourage others, yet it seems as though I haven’t done that as much of late. In fact, I haven’t really written anything all that personal in awhile. Some would surely say that’s a good thing, as maybe I got too personal in a public forum, while others might say I’ve strayed from my original goal. Either way, I’ve been quiet, and until recently I didn’t know why. I could blame all the other writing I’ve been doing, or my preparations for starting back at school in January, but none of those would be right. The reality of my situation is that I’ve been hiding internal issues because I didn’t want anyone to read my blog and think I’m a whiner. I didn’t want to appear weak, but in truth, deep down, isn’t that what we all are? So, as my first anniversary creeps ever closer, I have a lot to confess. As always, I hope something good comes from what I write.

Ever since I got out of the military in 2006, I’ve struggled with depression. At first, it was awful. I sat around the apartment for four months gaining weight, growing hair, and sitting in front my computer playing World of Warcraft for hours each day. I couldn’t find a job in Columbus, which demoralized what little self-confidence I had, and I eventually decided to go ahead and finish classes at Ohio State instead. Originally the plan was to go part-time, instead I felt forced to go full-time. I started dealing with all kinds of stomach issues and it only got worse in the fall of 2006 when my grandmother died. With all due respect to the rest of my family, she was the one person I believed had always supported and believed in me. So when she passed away, it crushed me. At this point, I’d pulled away from my wife and, without even realizing it, she’d also pulled away from me. I don’t think she ever really knew what was going on in me. I was just depressed, and it wasn’t one of those depressions where I’d lay in bed all day crying or anything stereotypical like that. It was more like a constant burden on my shoulders that held me in place, feeling sad and alone. In the eighteen months prior to my now-ex-wife leaving, there was little joy coming from me. Instead I put up a façade as much as I could to keep people from getting in.

So why do I give this background now? Well because I’ve realized that I didn’t just struggle with depression in separate bouts after the military and then after my divorce, but it’s been one long struggle. Even now, there are days where I’m happy and playing around with Jenn only to be lost in a depressed world just minutes later. It’s gone away some as I’ve been trying to take a more active approach to combating it - which for me is praying, doing all I can to communicate with Jenn, and writing - but it’s still there from time to time. It comes with no warning, or so I thought. I started realizing that a lot of my depression now comes when I’ve been thinking of my past mistakes, especially in my first marriage and when I make mistakes now with Jenn. To help compensate for those mistakes, I tend to not go after things I want, and instead give in when Jenn desires something opposite of what I want. I tend to think so poorly of myself that I see everyday things that Jenn does as her not wanting to spend time with me, etc. The truth is: I feel so horribly about myself, who I am, and what I’ve done that I feel unworthy to be content. At the root of it, I understand now, is unforgiveness.

What’s frustrating about this is that I’ve written about forgiveness before. I once wrote that I was forgiving myself and was moving on. But in the end, I didn’t. The truth is that I’ve forgiven everyone who has hurt me: my biological father who couldn’t handle fatherhood and left; the kid that abused me at age four; the ex-wife who left me, knowing that my greatest fear was abandonment; as well as many others who have hurt me. But I’ve been unable to forgive my own misdeeds. I still see my own mistakes in how I’ve treated people, and I shrink away. The worst part about it is that I know who keeps bringing this up in me, and despite all my prayers, I still deal with it every day. I’ve read scripture, talked to a few people, and confessed all of this to Jenn, and yet I’m bound and barely breathing. I just want to be able to let go of my own failures!

So why do I write about this now? Well, some of this is a repeat of past writings but I want to be real with people, as I always have. I want people to see that being a Christian doesn’t mean we don’t struggle. I struggle quite a bit actually. I also write because this is my form of counseling. I get my thoughts on paper and can examine them. Writing has become my release. Yet, there is one more reason I write this confession: I want to be free. I want my friends who care about me to know I need their prayers. I want to enter the second year of my marriage knowing that these gaping wounds on my heart are healing. I write this because I know that the best way to love God, my wife, and the kids that will come one day, is to finally drop this weight I carry. Confession is freedom.

A Bitter Heart

"Bitterness is the poison you drink, hoping that it will kill someone else."

One of my favorite people in the world gave me this quote a couple of years ago, and it’s stuck with me. I think we all struggle with bitterness, and if we aren’t careful it can change us. It can taint the person that we are or destroy the dreams that we pursue. In marriage, it can destroy all that is good about it. It causes us to stop looking at the positives in our spouse and to dwell upon the negatives. Bitterness causes us to stop wanting the best for our spouses, and in extreme cases, to wish harm upon them. It should be no surprise that bitterness often goes hand-in-hand with unforgiveness. If we can’t forgive someone for how they’ve hurt us, then we wind up resenting them. We grow selfish. And most importantly, perhaps, we lose perspective on how blessed we are to have that person in our life.

While doing some studying over the past week, a section of 2 Samuel has really impacted me. You can find the story in 2 Samuel 6. This is when King David had the ark of God (ark of the covenant) brought back to Jerusalem.* During the celebration, David humbled himself and wore only a linen ephod.** He danced nearly naked in front of his people and humbled himself before God, choosing to celebrate before the Lord instead of concerning himself with making the event one of pomp and circumstance. When Michal saw this, the Bible notes that Michal despised David in her heart. When he returned home, she greeted him by sarcastically poking at him for his lack of discretion by disrobing in public in front of slave girls (and the rest of his people). David responded by telling her he was dancing before the Lord and that he would become even more undignified to do so. He would humiliate himself in his own eyes for the Lord. David told her that those same slave girls would hold him in honor. She failed to see her husband’s heart and how that pleased God. Michal’s actions are a far cry from the Michal described in 1 Samuel.

In 1 Samuel 18:20, the Bible notes that Michal was in love with David, and in 1 Samuel 19:12-13, Michal saves David’s life as Saul tried to kill him. With David on the run, Saul gave Michal to another man, who fell in love with her. Later, when David became king of Judah, he requested the return of Michal as his wife, and her husband followed after her weeping. Through Saul’s actions, Michal had two marriages torn apart. She was passed around like a prize or trophy. Evidently she grew bitter, as even though she was returned to the man she first loved, she had to compete with David’s other wives for attention. It seems that even though her husband was described by God as being a man after God’s own heart, she was unable to look past his negatives and the circumstances that surrounded the downfall of Saul’s House. She grew bitter. In the end, she could not see her husband’s actions as glorifying God, even though the rest of Israel, including the slave girls, could see it. She lost perspective.

The Bible ends the story noting that Michal had no children until the day of her death, which is important. To be placed there at the end of the story, to me, means that God had a plan to bless her with children, but due to her heart being shrouded in bitterness against David and God, she was not given children. A child would have made sure the line of Saul continued, and possibly could have meant her child would have been chosen to be king after David. I’m not saying this would have happened, but in dying childless, it sends a great message: bitterness results in death. When she died, all of her died with her. She had no one to carry on for her and no legacy to leave behind to future generations. In the end, her bitterness towards David resulted in not his death, but hers. The same can happen to us. If we don’t learn to forgive and release our bitterness, it doesn’t kill those we are bitter towards, it kills the one who is bitter. It destroys everything they hold dear, including families, relationships, and their walks with God. My prayer for today is that if there is any bitterness in me from past struggles, that God would help me to let it go, and so are my prayers for you. I don’t want to leave a legacy of bitterness behind, do you?

* The ark of God was captured by the Philistines. The ark brought trouble to the Philistines and was eventually returned to the Israelites.

** An ephod was linen usually worn by priests with their robes. The ephod itself covered very little and if worn without other clothing would expose the wearer’s more private regions.

Relationship

Ever since I started studying for the GRE (or shall I say fretting over the GRE?), I’ve struggled to find time with God. I used to listen to music on the way to work and pray, but of late, I’ve gotten away from it as the music has gotten stale and my mind has wandered. When I went to work, I studied for the GRE instead of studying God’s word. When I’d go home, I’d study some more for the test. However, when I got to work on Tuesday morning, I felt something missing within me. I missed my time with God. Just like He longs for relationship with us, as we grow, we long for relationship with Him. Even now, just a couple days later, I feel the heart ache from that morning. I was grieving the loss of relationship with my creator and it broke my heart. Oh how I love my God, and oh how He loves me.

The Tongue is a Fire

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone feels the need to try and tell me what I’m doing wrong by yelling at me, belittling me, or just by forcing it down my throat. Sometimes they try to disguise it with, “I’m just telling the truth.” Sometimes they throw in the L-word thinking it will cushion the blow (“I’m only saying this out of love”). In the end, though, even if the there is truth to it, the targeted person is left feeling disrespected and, in many cases, repulsed. I had someone close to me do this a couple months ago, and the sting of it remains. I have forgiven this person, but I do not want anything to do with this “friend.” Since it’s been a multiple-repeat performance, I feel as though I’m better off without this person in my life. Of course, it would be hypocritical for me to forget that I’ve been guilty of pushing my feelings on other people too, so I guess I understand both directions. We want to try and help someone, but in the end, because our words were harsh and forceful, we get pushed away.

Sometimes we just get angry and say something hurtful. We fail to see how much our words crush someone, and we usually do this to the people we are closest to. According to James 4, the tongue is a fire capable of so much evil. I’ve seen the damage it can cause when I’ve lost patience with Jenn and said something rude or hurtful. I’ve seen her spirit just shrink away, and I hate it. I hate seeing hurt in her eyes. However, when I let her know how much I love her or when I tell her how beautiful she is, she sparkles. The tongue has the power to destroy, and the power to nourish one’s heart and soul. I need to be more careful with how I speak to people; I think we all do. I want everyone who speaks with me to know I care about them and feel blessed by my words.

Friendship

It’s been awhile since I've been able to have good fellowship with another brother-in-Christ, but last night was a great opportunity. I met up with a friend, Roger Chang, at Skyline Chili. (It was my first time eating there and it was pretty decent.) We started off talking about church stuff and in the end it became one of those times that you realize God set up. I needed that time to really bounce thoughts, ideas, and struggles off of someone, and God provided it. I can talk to Jenn all I want, but sometimes I need fellowship with guys. We just think differently. I was very honest with Roger about my past and where I’ve been. I let him in on all my struggles and fears and then we prayed. If anything, I realize that though I’ve been through a lot in life, I still have a long way to go and it’s nice to be able to let it out and be encouraged along the way. I’ve missed that since I moved down here from Columbus. It’s nice to have friendship. Truthfully, I’ve really struggled in my faith of late because I’ve felt - and let me stress the word felt - like God wasn’t listening to my cries for help with some issues, but yet there it was right where I needed it. So I’m thankful for the friendship of men like Roger and of a holy and loving God. It’s just what we all need.

Worship

I was four years old the first time I can remember hearing a praise and worship song. Our family was living in Newport, Rhode Island at the time. It was a sunny day and my mother sitting on a chair in the dining room with her guitar settled in her lap and her song book on the table in front of her. She was playing “This is the Day” on her old Yamaha acoustic and singing like an angel while I played on the floor with some toy cars. Except I really wasn’t playing. I was listening. Listening to my mother sing love songs to her God calmed my heart when life was so hard for us. It made it easier for me to accept her God as my God just a few years later when our days were even darker.

What I remember most about those days listening to my mother praise God is that joy filled the room. She enjoyed worshiping God. It saddens me now to know she has not picked up her guitar in over twenty years, but those memories stick with me. I grew up loving music and I always loved taking part in worship at church whether in the choir, or singing special music. Worshiping God was always joyful, even in moments where the songs we sang were deeper, more emotional songs. So I guess the question I have for everyone is: What does worshiping God mean to you?

Blessing

Ever since I started working in downtown Cincinnati, I’ve been searching for my purpose here. Sure, I’m supposed to be a good husband to Jenn, but I can be a good husband to Jenn anywhere. (I’m still working on the whole good husband thing. I love her so much, but I also make a lot of mistakes. At least she likes me. :-) So why am I in Cincinnati? I confess I’m not a big fan of the place, though I do enjoy walks through the park at lunch time. I’m grateful for my job, but I’m restless in it. So what do I do? In my last blog entry, I noted some of my passions, include helping the homeless. I’ve sort of made it a hobby of mine to try to feed a homeless person whenever I see one. I know Jenn is both stressed and proud of me when I do this: we don’t have a lot of money, but I just need to give. These people don’t have anything.

So anyway, last Friday during lunchtime I walked to the ATM machine to pull some cash out. I prayed to bless someone as I walked there, but I saw no one. I grabbed my cash, and looked again. As I approached the corner where Starbucks and Duke Energy are located, I looked across the street and saw a man sitting in front of Walgreen’s. He was smoking a cigarette and had a cardboard sign in his hands. I turned, crossed the street, and knelt down before him.

“Hi, there! Are ya hungry? If it’s okay with you, Sir, I’d like to take you out to eat.”

He looked at me a little surprised and said, “Yeah, I’d like to. I haven’t eaten all day.”

I smiled at him and said, “Come on, let’s go.”

He put out his cigarette and scrambled to put all his things into his duffel bag. He said, “My name is Richard,” as we started walking.

“My name is Derek, and it’s nice to meet you too, Richard,” I replied. “Now, what would you like? There’s a Wendy’s right here or Skyline Chili and some others. What can I get you?”

“Wendy’s is fine,” he said, so we walked into Wendy’s and got in line.

“Well, what would you like?” I asked.

“I just want a fish sandwich and an ice water,” he replied. I looked at him a little stunned. He could have asked for more. I was willing to get him more.

“What, you don’t like fries? I’ll get you fries,” I said.

“No, it’s okay,” he said, “You’re already nice enough to get me a sandwich,” he stated.

“Richard, get anything you want!” I said, pointing at the menu.

Still, he chose to get the sandwich and water and backed away from the counter while I waited in line. As he walked off to the side, I couldn’t help but notice that he looked around a lot. He seemed nervous and uncomfortable, not because he thought he was in trouble, but rather, he seemed concerned about what people thought of him being there. My guess is that he felt like he didn’t belong in Wendy’s, or maybe around a group of people who were cleaned up and employed. I realized he did not feel safe. I watched him closely and noticed that he wasn’t the stereotypical homeless man that you imagine when you hear the word “homeless.” He wasn’t dirty, and he didn’t smell bad. He wasn’t exactly well-groomed, sporting a long bushy beard, but he didn’t look that raggedy. But what struck me most was how tired and worn-down he looked. You could just see it in his eyes: he needed help. My heart reached out to this man, and I was happy to be able to put something warm in his belly. However, I wasn’t the only one who felt for him.

As I watched Richard, the man in front of me turned around and shoved a five-dollar bill into my hand, saying, “I see what you’re doing. It’s a nice thing to do.”

I was stunned.

“Sir, you don’t have to do this,” I replied, handing the money back to him, but he waved me off and walked away. I didn’t know what to do with myself for a moment. I started to tear up as I handed the five-dollar bill to the cashier, and I continued to fight back the tears while waiting for the food. This man saw kindness and gave it back out of nowhere. It dawned on me then that giving breeds giving. The fact that I was loving Richard by trying to feed him worked in the heart of someone else too. (Or, should I say it was the Holy Spirit that worked in his heart?)

The cashier gave me Richard’s food, with an extra cup of water, and I handed Richard the food. As I looked at his rough and bearded face, I couldn’t help but feel compassion for this man, and in my heart I knew exactly what to say. I reached my arm out to him and said, “The Lord wants you to know that He has not forgotten you.”

Richard looked at me for a brief moment and replied, “I know.”

I held the door open for him as he walked back out into the street, and I told him if I saw him again out here I’d feed him.

I walked back to work feeling something in me that I could only describe as purpose. In that moment, God had given me an opportunity to bless someone, and in doing so, he also allowed someone else an opportunity to bless me. I felt in that moment that God’s purpose and will was served through me, and it was such an amazing feeling. Now here I am three days later writing about this, and I’m thinking that what happened really was such a small thing. However, this “small thing” blessed three people that day. I’m thankful for the opportunity to bless Richard that day, and I’ll be sure to pray for him in the future. But in the meantime, I’m going keep blessing other people. It’s the only way to live.

Diamond in the Rough

It's amazing: nearly three months ago, Jenn and I were married. Hey, we even have the pictures to prove it! I can also tell you that marriage has not proven to be easy. To be honest, it's been hard at times. I've come to a point where I'm at a crossroads in my life. I remember the man I used to be, and a few certain people still find ways to question whether I've changed or grown at all. I find myself wondering if I'll ever become the man I want to be. Will I ever be the strong, loving husband Jenn needs me to be? Will I be an attentive father for the children I one day hope to have?

I remember a few months ago writing a very public prayer about my dreams, and it wasn't long after that that Jenn walked into my life. God answered my prayers, and yet here I am, months later, knowing that there is more yet to be done. So I guess I have another prayer to pray. My prayer is that God continue to repair old wounds that seem to heal ever so slowly. My prayer is that God show me how to love and communicate with my wife in such a way that she'll never forget why she married me. My prayer is that God take this union and make it strong, with no holes or weaknesses. I love my wife, and I love my God. And because I love them both, my prayer is just to become a better man. I'm flawed, eternally flawed, but yet I know there is more to me. I know, to quote the movie "Aladdin," that I am a diamond in the rough.

My goals for this year are prioritized:
A. To become a better follower of Christ;
B. To become a better husband, and to strengthen our marriage; and
C. To become a better son, brother, and uncle.

It's not just about being a better me (to quote the cliché), but it's about recognizing and learning from my mistakes, and growing as a result of them. I no longer want to be a diamond in the rough; I just want to be a diamond! Lord, please polish me and make me your diamond. That's the route I choose... I choose the future and not my past.

Random Thoughts

There isn’t a major theme to write about tonight. I have a few random thoughts worth mentioning.

- God has seemed a little distant from me over the past week or so. Since He’s always available thought would generally mean I have not been. I better get on that. I love talking with my Jesus.

- I have begun to think about my vows. We are writing our own for the wedding and not going the traditional route. Believe it or not, when talking in public, I am better at just winging it and expressing myself on the spot. I do not have the luxury of doing that this time. We need copies of the vows for our scrap book.

- Speaking of scrapbooks, I went to visit Jenn this past weekend in Princeton, New Jersey. We stopped at the Princeton University Store and I picked out a post card for our scrap book. I wanted Jenn to be able to have something to look back on with our engagement and we have had a great time out in New Jersey. The post card has a tiger drawing on it for the Princeton Tigers. We took pictures afterwards to have something to go with the post card.

- The past two years took their toll on me. My body is starting to show the effects of what I went through and I’m choosing to fight back.

- I caught parts of the Rams preseason opener against the Jets last weekend. The defense failed to impress in their series against Mark Sanchez, but overall I was impressed at how hard the Rams played. They have injury and depth issues already, and they are not as talented as the other teams in the NFC West, but I do believe they have turned a corner. I expect them to go 4-12 this season, but I am excited for their future. I hope to try and work it out to see them play next week in Cincinnati.

- The Angels pitching staff is horrible. They are fun to watch at 70-45, and Kendry Morales has been a pleasant surprise at first base, but they will not out-pitch teams in the playoffs. They have the Yankees’ number so they might take a series against them, but should they play Texas (its hard to believe Texas actually has pitching this year) or make it to the World Series and play a National League team, I just do not see them hanging.

- BJ Penn fought a great fight against Kenny Florian at UFC 101 and Anderson Silva was awesome in his destruction of Forrest Griffin. The rest of the card bored me. I missed the Cyborg-Carano fight, but it appears to have been a great one. I hope they get a rematch.

- I really miss Jenn. I want her home soon. I miss her so much and I am not ashamed or embarrassed to say so.

To Love Someone

It was not very long ago when I blogged about my dreams and then gave them to God. It was a heartfelt prayer that brought tears to my eyes as I wrote it. Who would have thought that giving something away that I held so dearly would result in meeting Jenn in just a few short weeks?

A couple months later, I started mentioning how some of my fears and insecurities were coming out. In June I wrote that I felt free of these concerns, but little did I know that I really was not free at all. The past few months were rough as I struggled to give all these fears to God over and over again. However, Jenn stuck with me. She’s proven to me that unconditional love exists. She keeps proving it every time I act like a child or when I am silent and do not want to talk.

This is what has become different for me. While I’ve never been afraid to love someone unconditionally, it’s been so surprising and even hard to accept that someone would love me in the same way, if not greater. I’m used to someone saying the words but being unable to take action. This is not a judgment against those I’ve dated or anything, it’s just in Jenn’s case I can truly see and feel her love being unconditional. She keeps pressing in on my heart. Where others have tried and failed or just plain never tried, Jenn succeeds in loving me and as she loves me, I am able to one-by-one hand my fears and insecurities to God.

As for loving Jenn, well it’s been amazing and an answer to the prayer I wrote out late one March night. I asked for a second chance to love someone, and I was blessed with a second chance soon after. How does that happen? I’ve done the best I can to run with it. I hope Jenn can agree that I’ve given myself into loving her. I study profusely what it is to be a husband and I seek God’s face on how to be a better man. There is such a long way to go, but to be in love, to live again, to hope again, it’s such an awesome feeling. I’m so thankful for a God that answers prayers and gives us the desires of our heart

Fear

Since I started writing this blog it's been such a journey. I remember the many days I cried, and I remember all the hours I sat and asked God to end everything. I did not want to live this life. It was not a blessing, but instead a curse. Despite feeling cursed, I made the decision to move forward. I fought to save my former marriage. I ran towards God. I sought opportunities to serve, and I became vocal about what we as men needed to do to grow relationships. There was joy there because of my running towards God, but healing seemed to evade me. I never felt like God was there regardless of any effort that I made to draw closer to Him, and yet I still kept witnessing about Him. I chose to act in faith instead. I lived in fear of the future, of the unknown, and whether or not I could ever trust another woman in my life.

This fear has been a driving force in how I've dealt with people. I let friends get close. However, if you were a woman, you'd get close, then I'd freak out. Seriously, I'd freak out. Then came Jenn. There was something different about her. Something sure....something honest. She struck the right chords in me. She made me uncomfortable with how I was. She drew me in...and I pursued. Over time, I believe God has used her to break down walls in me that I didn't even know existed, and when I try and build new ones, Jenn will have none of it. She is relentless. Why do I love her? Among other reasons, its because she does not hide...THERE IS NO FEAR with her when it comes to me. She refuses to let me hide and as the future spiritual leader of our family, I must not hide.

Here's the thing... I feel like I'm at the apex of my journey. As Jenn and I move closer to our wedding date, all of my fears are coming out. All of the insecurities that I've been blogging about recently seem to running at me full speed. Before they were paralyzing me and kept me backing away from women especially, and now as I've finally been able to see the girl God has for me, these fears continue to be an obstacle.

So what is this fear? It's the fear of not being good enough. It's a fear of loss and abandonment. I've been left by people throughout my life and I'm to the point now where I sometimes don't feel like I'm good enough to love. I understand that's a lie from Satan and that God made us to love, and to be loved. Jenn has not given me any reason to believe that she would abandon me, and I have to have faith that the God who loves me is giving me a woman just as committed to righteousness as I am.

Okay, so what is the point of my ramble? I guess at the core of it, I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fearing what might be. I need to man up and face this once and for all. I need to be the man that Jenn can depend on to be a fearless man of God, who prays night and day for His family and takes the role of spiritual leader in our home. I've had enough! I believe 2 Timothy 1:7 says it best:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (NKJV)

This fear is not from God and it's time I had that sound mind. I need to be the other centered husband to Jenn. I understand that we all deal with insecurities, but this has to go. I need to be the Ephesians 5 husband. I need to die to myself to be a part of something greater. I also know that this is not something I can do on my own. The entire reason I write this is to ask those of you praying Christians who read this to pray for me and to hold me accountable. Because I love this girl so much, I'm willing to pour it out to you all here and say please...pray for me. I will no longer tolerate fear in my life.

Meet the Parents

Well, this weekend was interesting to say the least. Jenn and I both met our soon-to-be in-laws and I must admit, it went well. I was pleasantly surprised at how welcoming her parents were with me. They even fed me! I’m just kidding. Of course they fed me, but they genuinely enjoyed getting to know me a little bit too. I really enjoyed getting to know them a bit, and by getting to know them, I learned a little bit more about how Jenn is built.

Jenn meeting my parents turned out to be a little awkward. The kids were unusually shy and my dad managed to be AWOL, but she did enjoy meeting and talking with my mom. My mom liked her and even noted that she’d never seen me happier. Jenn and I even sang our songs for Sunday morning for the family.

By the way, we did sing for her parents’ church. I guess we did okay. I was still a little nervous, but I calmed down when I realized there were no tomatoes heading my way. I also earned brownie points for the weekend for taking Jenn to Grandpa’s Cheese Barn. Among the important things to learn about her so far is that she likes cheese…a lot. Ha!

Divorce

I’m a little frustrated to watch the news nowadays. Everywhere I turn, there is someone getting a divorce. It’s just so hard to watch. The most recent one I saw was with the reality television show “John and Kate Plus 8” on the TLC Network. It’s frustrating to read their reasoning as to why the divorce is “necessary” and how easily they are playing it off like it’s better for their kids that they split apart. That rationale just doesn’t make sense. It’s not like the husband is abusing the kids or his wife. There is no real reason to just give up. I don’t know what kind of people they are or what exactly they are going through and I definitely want to be careful not to judge, especially since I am divorced too. However, I question their decision to divorce based on a few thoughts:

1. Have they forgotten the commitment that they made to each other when they married all those years ago?
2. Have they even tried counseling? Judging from the statements they’ve made, I can tell you that the book and seminar “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs would certainly be able to help them there. It doesn’t seem like they are even trying. Seriously.
3. Divorces affect your kids for the worse, not the better. It sets a poor example of commitment and leads the children to have to deal with parents who are often opposing each other instead of supporting each other. To try and say that getting a divorce is better for the kids is like saying that coffee is better for you than water. It’s just not true.

To me, if you really care about your kids’ welfare, you’d get your television show off the air, seclude yourself from the media, get counseling to repair your marriage, and prove to your children that a marriage is more than just words, it’s action.

I don’t mean to come across as judging. I’ve been there. I went through parental divorce and I went through my own divorce. It was worse than death for me, and it’s only taken God intervening in my life to get me to the point where I can love and trust again. I believe we have to fight for our marriages or else the commitment we made before God, family, and friends becomes absolutely meaningless. It seems people get married for the fun nowadays but are unwilling to help build something greater, and something greater is what God meant marriage to be.

Anyways, let’s keep that family in prayer, as well as other families. Satan seeks to steal, kill, and destroy, and where better for him to do that than within God’s created institution, marriage?

Father

I understand that maybe I’m a bit late on writing this, but better late than never I guess. I’ve had time to really look back at how my life has changed since I became a Ciapala. You see, I used to have a different name until my step-dad adopted me when I was twelve years old. Before he made that choice to take me on as his son, I’d been through two separate father figures. One of them was abusive to both my mother and me before he decided to just leave his family. The second one was a good man who was overwhelmed and just made lots of mistakes with us. He later apologized to us for the things he did, and we definitely get along great now. However, that still left me without a dad. I had no one to look up to except Granddad and he was getting closer to passing away. (He did go to be with Jesus when I was 13.) Things changed when my mom married Mr. Frank Ciapala.

I remember when I found out that he and Mom were getting married. I was not happy at all. I was angry and didn’t understand yet another change in my life. Now I had to try and accept another person as an influence in my life. I went upstairs crying when my mom told me and hid in my room. Dad came over after work and my mom told him what happened. Instead of getting angry, he just came upstairs and knelt down in front of me. He asked me why I was upset and I told him. He smiled and shed a tear, at least from what I remember. He told me he loved me and wanted to adopt me. He wanted to be my dad. Then he hugged me. From that point on I was perfectly fine with the marriage and on November 8, 1990, when he adopted me, I couldn’t have been more proud to change my name. He accepted my mom and her three kids. He worked his tail off to provide, and in the process tried to give us a better life. I remember him taking me to my first baseball game. It was on July 20, 1991 at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh, and the Pirates lost to the Reds, 3-2. It was a great time and it was just the two of us. I’ll never forget it. I think my passion for baseball was born on that day.

Dad is flawed. We both are. We didn’t get along in high school and there were things that happened that we both regret, but we got it together when I joined the military and I know that he is very proud of me. I know he’s not perfect. In fact, I know that he makes tons of mistakes, just like me. However, I’m still proud to carry his name, and I believe that the day is not yet here where we will all see the best of him. So to him I say, “Happy belated Father’s Day.”

Power, Love, and a Starry Night

This past Saturday, Jenn and I escaped the stress of post-engagement life and ventured out to Hocking Hills for a weekend of hiking and camping out. It was our first somewhat major trip as a couple and with it came certain stresses. It was also an opportunity for us to seriously seek God’s face for guidance as well.

So, we left Cincinnati on Saturday morning… oh, wait… we were both running late… so we left on Saturday afternoon. However, we put our sluggish start behind us and made our way up to Hocking Hills singing and working on our song that we’re going to sing at her parents’ church in a couple weeks. It was a fun time for me to just enjoy music with her. We arrived at about 3:30 and got set up. We chose to camp out at the non-electric area to get away from all the other campers a bit, but we gave up a large amount of space in order to have that isolation: literally, our plot was the size of my kitchen. (So, just for advice’s sake, stay away from campsite 84 at Hocking Hills State Park campground.) Anyways, we were off hiking by 4:00 o’clock and heading towards Old Man’s Cave. This was an interesting time for us. I’m sure Jenn wanted to see if I would be patient while she took picture after picture, and I had the opportunity to really see her in her element. You see, as much as Jenn is a city girl, she loves nature. It’s how she gets in touch with God. So it was just neat to see her in her element.

Of course, as we saw some of the sights there, we couldn’t help but think of how cool it would be to get married at a couple of these sites in Hocking Hills…


But in general, I just enjoyed being there with my girl. You see, while she’s the kind of girl that loves nature, I’ve never really been one to get excited about it. I used to just go to appease others. Maybe now I can see it’s about the company you keep because I was very happy to be there. In fact, I was looking forward to the trip the entire week! I’ll get more into this later but it’s just neat to see what God has done in me to change how I’m wired.

After the hike, we got cleaned up and headed into a nearby town, Logan. We found a little local pizza joint and enjoyed a delicious dinner together. The food was great, especially those heart attack-inducing breadsticks they served us. I think they used a stick of butter on those things! However, we had a great time and headed back to camp.

When we got back to the campground it was pitch black outside, so Jenn came up with the marvelous idea of watching the stars. We pulled out a blanket and laid it on our picnic table. She lay down next to me and within 10 seconds we saw a shooting star. The sky was so bright with stars, too many to count. I just lay there and marveled at God’s handiwork. I can’t believe we forget how big He is sometimes. Now I know why Jenn loves being out in nature so much, and I find myself wondering why I never noticed it before. Jenn fell asleep next to me as we watched the stars. It was one of the most romantic moments I’ve ever experienced. I truly love this woman.

The next day we got up, showered and sat down for some time with the Lord. We’ve been reading in Isaiah together so we just continued there. We prayed, and then we spent about two hours singing praise and worship. This had to be an interesting sight for the campers nearby, but we had a wonderful time worshipping God and practicing our songs. Have I mentioned that one my favorite things to do with Jenn is to sing with her? Afterwards, we packed up, ate, and hit the trails again. This is where I really believe God made our weekend.

We both had our thoughts going into this weekend. For me, as I’ve already written, I felt my insecurities were hindering me. But after spending time with Jenn this weekend, and having her express how deeply she loves me, I came to understand just how much these insecurities are affecting us. I’m learning that when you fall in love with someone and you begin that road toward marriage, you begin to allow that person to have power in your life. As I’ve struggled with insecurities, it has affected her, which in turn has affected me. In the end it becomes a cycle, and if not prayerfully and carefully considered, I believe it can destroy relationships. I honestly believe the talks that Jenn and I had out there in the woods on Sunday were ordained by God. We both left Hocking Hills feeling like we accomplished something. Personally, I felt set free from all the worries and concerns and truly able to love this woman while expecting nothing in return. I’m making a choice to finally let go of these insecurities and give them to God. I’m making the choice to love this woman unconditionally and to believe in the plan God has for us. I’m choosing to believe that we will honor the power that God has allowed us to have over each other and use that power to enthrone Him in the middle of our relationship. I believe that we two lovebirds will enjoy many more starry nights as we continue to pursue God together.

Second Chances

Ever since my marriage fell apart, it’s been a long journey to wholeness. Along the way I’ve made some good decisions, some weird decisions, and some poor decisions. I’ve helped people. God has used me to touch many lives, but when I’ve gone out on my own, I’ve made poor choices and have sometimes hurt people I care about. I’m not proud of these poor choices, as I’ve already blogged. I’ve made bad decisions in dating, friendships, and in dealing with co-workers. And every time that I can remember, I’ve paid the price one way or another. Now here I am looking back over the past two months and thinking, “How on earth do I deserve any of this?”

I’ve already written about Jenn. When we met, I was sporadically dating and didn’t think much of it, but within a week I realized there was something about her that seemed to reach into my soul. I started to talk and spend more time with her and started to feel things I hadn’t been able to feel in so long. That really doesn’t mean a lot because it’s really just feelings, right? However, I started to do more than feel. I started to know. It was fast, too. Everything was a whirlwind as I realized while driving down to see her one day that I was willing to do almost anything for her. I realized I was willing to lay my life down for her. Up until this point, I don’t think I ever really knew what love truly was. Even when I was married, I don’t think I understood it. It’s more than a feeling. It’s more than just a moment. This is where I have some regrets… I’ve said and done things in the name of love in my past which I’ve come to realize just were not the case. I should have known better. I claim to know God, and GOD IS LOVE! In all of this, I’ve hurt people! Not just people I’ve had relationships with, but my friends! I can’t believe I’ve hurt people like this. Oh my…for anyone that’s reading this that I may have hurt, I’m sorry and I ask your forgiveness.

This is where I get down to the true subject here: second chances. As Jenn and I began to grow closer, she started to get into my heart like no one really ever has. Ok…let me stress that again. She started to get into my heart like no one ever has. This concerned me and I started praying. I also stopped talking to or dating anyone else. This happened probably within the first seven days of meeting her. She had me flipped upside down and all around. It scared me and I started praying. I literally started asking God to get her out of my life if she wasn’t supposed to be a major part of it because I saw what was happening in me: I was beginning to trust her. I was telling her deeper things than even my closest friends knew. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. But the more I prayed, the more I felt I should pursue. And the more I pursued, the more my heart grew for her. It was fast and didn’t take long, but I fell in love with this woman. It wasn’t just a feeling, but a truth. I saw that I was willing to die for her. I wanted to be that guy in her life, and I wanted her to be that girl in my life. I continued pursuing her, even though I knew she didn’t initially feel that same love. As I prayed, I grew more confident in what was going on between us. We became “official” and that was special in itself, but the growth continued, and out of nowhere, Jenn told me that she loved me. It was completely unexpected, but you could tell how true she felt in saying it. Talk about change, right?

Well, more change continued to come. Right before Jenn went out to California for her brother’s wedding, we actually broached the subject of marriage. By now I understood that I could one day marry her, but it was just a small thought in a grander scheme. However, when she left for California, I realized how real everything was. I didn’t just understand that I could marry her one day, but I realized that this girl was indeed the girl for me. I missed her presence in my life every day she was gone and I simply longed to hear her voice. I could tell that it was the same way on her end. When she got home, the subject became more real. Jenn is the girl for me to marry. So we talked a little more and then we actually went ring shopping. Trust me: during this time I was praying… I didn’t go into this blindly. The next day, I bought the ring…and on Friday, I asked her to marry me.

Okay, okay, okay…I’m sure there are quite a few people going HOLD ON…. Isn’t this way too fast? Are you sure about this? I know Jenn has been asked these questions, and even though no one has really said that to me, I’m sure someone has thought it. Well, trust me, it may be fast, but I didn’t rush. It may seem rash, but there was a lot of prayer and even some fasting that was involved. In the end, I simply understood that I love this girl and I wanted to spend my life with her, and I didn’t need the traditional 8 months plus to figure that out. Jenn is the woman I love, and I happen to be the man she loves, and we both understand what we are getting into. So if anyone here is concerned about the timing, thank you. Just understand that sometimes things can’t be explained with normal logic or tradition. Sometimes we defy all logic. In this case, the logical mind states that we are rushing, but the truth is there was no rush involved, just two people who understand that they don’t want to live this life without each other. You don’t have to believe what I’m saying; that’s fine. Regardless, marriage is a serious step that we are preparing to make, and we need your support, prayers, and knowledge to get it right.

Please understand that we both know this is our second chance. We both know this is a blessing, and neither of us is willing to risk that second chance. I don’t deserve this second chance, but instead God has blessed me with a woman that has surpassed every hope and dream I could imagine. So here’s to second chances. May we honor God with them, especially considering that without His grace, we don’t deserve them.

What I Want...

I've rarely spoken about what I want in relationships. I've always had some kind of soap box to jump on to about the Lord and the church, but I guess for once I'm just feeling the need to share what I want or maybe what I hope for. It's difficult for me to lay down my heart about women for the public to read. A few out there might even believe I don't deserve a second chance in view of my past failures. However, I feel the need to define what it is I want in a woman and let me make it clear that through the resurrecting power of Christ, I do deserve a second chance at a life with someone.

I want a woman who is her own person. I don't want a twin, but a partner. I want a woman who is willing to take risks. The entire Christian walk is a risk, and to me an unwillingness to take risks represents a lack of faith in the Lord's care. Honestly, that's an area I have to pray about everyday too. I want a woman who is fine with me sharing my heart about how I feel about them, life, and most importantly, where I believe God wants me. I'm one of the few highly emotional guys out there and I need a woman who can find it endearing instead of weird. I want a woman who is willing to let me be who I am as much as I am willing to let her be who she is. I want a woman who is logical, but is able to be in touch with her heart too. That in itself is a challenge for me because I'm always running with my heart, and therefore struggle to be logical!

I want a woman who is willing to allow me to be the hero and point them to the true Hero. I want a woman who understands that Christ did not call us to judge people, but to love them. It's okay to call out a sin...but we aren't supposed to destroy the person committing the sin. I want a woman who is able to forgive me... I am indeed a walking screw-up. I want a woman in my life that treasures the time we spend together. I used to take this for granted, but now I understand what it truly means. I want a woman who is willing to go out of her way to tell me how she feels about me. It's not fun trying to figure out smoke signals.

I want a woman who will let me treat her as I see her to be, not what she thinks she is. Satan is on a mission to destroy the wonders that God made in a woman. If a woman just sees herself as nothing beautiful, then Satan has done his job. If a man is unable to see in himself the Godly masculinity (thanks for the term Tim Buttrey) that should be there in his heart, then Satan is doing his job. Therefore, I need a woman who will let me express to her how amazing she is. I need her to understand that I'm going to see the beauty in her that God created, not the garbage that the enemy wants her to believe. I need her to let me be the knight that God intended me to be.

I guess the whole reason I write this down is to remind myself too. I've spoken with someone recently who has done a heck of a job reminding me of what I want. However, I needed to write this down on my own. I've known what I wanted for a little bit now, and I just need a record of it. I need to remember what I'm looking for and I need to be able to recognize it when I see it.

Fingerprint

This past week I was fortunate enough to get hired at one of the finer companies in the country, at least in my opinion. During the entire onboarding process you have to go through a background check, which being a former military guy was no big deal, along with a drug test, again no big deal. Gees the most you'll find in me is my morning AMP or Rockstar. But when they took my fingerprint, I got to thinking about where I've left my fingerprints. More importantly, what fingerprints are on me. I went home that day and looked around my apartment and I noticed how many fingerprints are still in the house from my marriage. A wire that she ran from the tv area to my computer is still there hanging in its place (man its an eyesore...never should have gave in on that one..lol). The living room is still set up the way she set it up...she's left her mark. The more I think about it I've come to realize that she's left her mark on me for the rest of my life. I'll never forget what happened between us, and my thought life and logic have been forever altered by what happened. The truth is her fingerprint has marked my life. However, my fingerprint is on her life. All of positive and negative actions will be forever with her. Everything I ever did to breath life into her will carry on. We've forever altered each others lives.

So by now you're probably asking...."Derek, whats your point?" While my statement is a much more intimate example, the truth is everyday we leave our fingerprint on someone elses life that will forever alter them in some kind of way. The actions we take form a legacy that is carried forward. Unfortunately, the legacy left behind in my life from my exwife is alot of hurt, but I can not disregard the positive marks she made on me. On the other hand, I'm hoping despite my mistakes, that the positive marks I left on her life will continue to bless her. The marks are eternal! So today when you spend time with your loved ones, or meet new people, I just want you to think of the mark you are leaving on their life at that moment. The way we treat others leaves a finger print... I hope the fingerprints I've left on others are positive. I hope the prints I've left with you bless you more then you could ever know.