I recently wrote about how my fears from the past were holding me back. I’ve been praying about it and seeking Godly counsel from people like Pastor Gary Fowler while still struggling with the weirdness in my own mind. It has not been easy either with Jenn spending two months in Princeton, New Jersey on an internship and therefore forcing us to communicate by words only. However, we have made it so far with both some up days and some down days. We seem to keep growing closer.
This past weekend I drove out to see her in New Jersey. It was a bit of a homecoming for me as I spent my first tour of duty in the Navy stationed onboard the USS Supply, which was homeported at NWS Earle in Leonardo, New Jersey. I used to drive the same route out to New Jersey all those years ago and as soon as I passed mile marker 160 on I-76 all the memories started pouring in.
There were a lot of beginnings out there on the New Jersey coast. I served my first tour of duty there and in the process took part in two overseas deployments. I also spent the first 18 months of my marriage out there too. With all the military hardships and the pain that I went through with the divorce there were definitely some ghosts hidden away in my closet.
On Saturday, Jenn and I got in the car and headed out to the New Jersey coast line. I showed her where I used to live on base. I drove her down the same road I used to drive to get to work. I took her to the mall I used to frequent, Monmouth Mall and actually looked at wedding stuff there (no dice though on finding anything). She bought me some sandals (yay for presents) and then we went to the beach in Sea Bright. I can’t tell you how long we were there, but once again we found a way to have a romantic time. We walked along the beach stopping for a kiss, and looking for shells to remember the occasion. It was quite romantic and I can tell you that is one of those moments where I felt so close to my fiancé.
The sun began to set so we got back in the car and drove to NWS Earle. I parked in the visitor parking lot, put my arm around Jenn, and proceeded to tell her about how the base has changed. I told her stories about the place and marveled at its changes. It was surreal sitting at the gate I used to drive through. I could still see the old bus stop we used to wait at to get a ride up the pier. Jenn didn’t see it, but there was plenty of emotion welling up in me.
After a few minutes, I took her into Atlantic Highlands, which was my favorite hangout spot. It was right next to the base and if you went out by the docks, you could see the three mile long pier that jutted out into the middle of the bay. I parked the car and we walked close to the water’s edge. We stared at the now empty pier and I struggled to hold it in. I understood now that just like the ships are now gone, so is the man that I was. I’ve spent so much time recently dealing with fear and insecurity, yet here at this moment, with Jenn standing beside me, it was done. I have no doubt that God ordained that time out there for me. It was the past meeting the future, and I chose the future.
We went to a local restaurant and enjoyed dinner together and then drove back to Princeton. There was such a peace within me. I am not afraid any more. I am not who I used to be. Those days and my past are behind me. I have been blessed with a second chance to both live and have someone to share life with. I can not waste it. I will not waste it.
Jenn was amazing this weekend. She wanted to go with me and learn more about me. She wanted to see where I’ve been. Jenn could have been mired in insecurity thinking that I was unable to get over my past. Instead, she understood that it wasn’t any one thing or person that was holding me back, but my fear of failure that was holding me back. She just loved on me and loved being with me. I can not say enough about what kind of woman she is. For the first time, I realized that her love for me truly is unconditional. Jenn would do anything for me. How blessed am I? She has changed my life and I’m honored to be the man she chose. Her love for me is truly sent by God, and I can’t help but be thankful about that. Here’s to new beginnings… I can’t wait until October 17th.
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