Worthy

The last two years have been such a blur. I came back to the Lord, fought for and lost a marriage, had some relationships with people break, and I met the most amazing woman alive that I’m now getting ready to marry. There’s been a lot of healing to do over the past two years and sometimes it’s been like a twelve-step process to get there. The more I seek God to heal the wounds of my past, the more stuff I find buried in me. Like I’ve mentioned before, it’s like I move forward some and back a little. It’s definitely not my idea of fun.

A couple days ago, Jenn told me that she wished I thought better of myself. She sees all these amazing qualities in me that apparently I don’t see. Her words stuck with me. Actually, they pierced me. When I hung up with her for the night, I realized that I not only didn’t think much of myself, I couldn’t stand myself. A flood of tears overwhelmed me and as the night wore on regardless of where I turned, there was no comfort. I asked God for help, and it felt like I had none. I just struggle to see myself as worthy of the second chance I’m receiving. Here God has blessed me with Jenn complete with a wedding date and site. Jenn is unconditionally in love with me and sees so much in me that I can not even fathom. With this in mind, I prayed about it and kept an eye out for direction. I wrote Jenn later and poured my heart out to her about what I was feeling and we talked about it last night. As we talked about it a memory came to the surface that I had forgotten. I stopped conversation and told Jenn about this memory.

The memory is from the night I picked up my ex-wife from the airport when she came back from a business trip to Denver, Colorado. When she got in there was something noticeably different about her. She was distant and cold, but I wanted to talk to her. I reached out to her and confessed a deep fear and she responded in a way that completely tore me down. As I look back now, ever since that day I’ve never been the same in the way I view myself. I understand now that the Lord was bringing this memory to the forefront. Like any man, I need someone to believe in me. That day, I was essentially told that was not the case. I see now that the Lord believes in me, and the woman who loves me believes in me. Maybe now the healing in this area can begin. Maybe just maybe, I can understand that I’m worthy to be loved again. I like that. I’m hopeful.

Oh as a side-note…watch what you say to someone. We sometimes don’t realize the damage we can cause to a person's heart. We have such power with our words. Be careful and love one another.