Vulnerable

I'd like to tell you that I've lead a pretty easy life with most things going as I'd hoped they would. I'd like to tell you that every risk I've ever taken has worked out and that I've been able to do amazing things because of them, but none of these scenarios are true. Life hasn't been easy. At times its been difficult and very painful. It's caused me at times to be paralyzed with fear and to be unwilling to do anything risky. It's about being vulnerable in front of other people...and in front of God.

I can remember back when I was in high school and I was scheduled to sing at church on a Wednesday night. I was pumped about singing for God in front of my friends and my parents, especially my Dad, because he was going to come watch that night. He never came to watch me sing. However, that night we got into a horrible argument and I lost my voice midway through. When it was over I did not know how I was going to sing that night, and now my dad wasn't going to come anyways. With tears in my eyes, I made myself vulnerable before God. I asked Him to get me through that night. Without Him I was going to be embarrassed and heartbroken. The song that I was singing was a very stressful song to sing. I really did not know if I was going to be able to sing it and I was scared. The thing is I did sing that song in front of all those people, and I didn't do it alone. I had the aid of my Father that night. It was one of the best performances that ever came out of my mouth. You see that is what happens when we take risks and allow ourselves to be vulnerable before a Holy God.

As the years went on, I stopped doing that. I was always a risk taker and by me not taking risks and trusting in the Lord...even when vulnerable, I was losing my identity. Over the course of 9 years of marriage, I lost my identity completely. I was left fearing loss and taking no real risks at all. I was tired of being hurt and left behind. I had no self esteem. When thinking of the man that I became, it doesn't surprise me that my ex left me behind. I was nothing like the Derek that she once knew.

Then I remember a sermon Konan preached back in January 2008 called Chasing the Lion based off of Mark Batterson's book, "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. It teaches about taking risks and going after the opportunities that God places in front of you.
God got ahold of me through both the book and Konan's teaching...and taught me about risk. He taught me about true vulnerability. He washed me clean and restored me to what I once was...the risk taker. Thanks to that restoration, He's used me in the lives of others and helped me become more like Him. The thing is now, the stakes are getting higher. Recently my life has changed dramatically. Old doors have closed and new doors have opened. There has been some heartbreak in the process but I've weathered the storm. I've taken risks in getting a roommate, buying a new car in this economic situation, and allowing my heart to open up to others despite the fact I'm scared to death of getting hurt again.

Yesterday, after prayer and just some soul searching in general, I took the greatest risk of I've ever taken and now I'm mortified of what I've done. I'm now so very vulnerable and I'm not sure how to deal with it. The risk is so great but so is the reward...man...the truth is I'm vulnerable now more then I've ever been. I guess I just have to trust God...He's a pro with vulnerabilities.

*By the way, don't call or email to find out this one. This is going to be close to the vest for awhile, but I would appreciate your prayers.