Real

Sunday Night Micah and I went to a large local church that was advertising as a miracle healing service. I didn't know what to expect really but I figured you know, I really want to see God move. I really do. We weren't in the building but 5 minutes when there was a man on the stage basically hawking the pastor's books and cds in a package to sell. The usher came out with handfuls of these packages and went up and down each aisle while he sold them to the congregation from the stage. This really upset me. If I was an unsaved man that walked into that church for the first time, the first thing I would have seen was a salesman on the stage selling stuff while the ushers were going up and down the aisles like they were selling hot dogs. Whats wrong with this picture?

Well long story short, for the next two hours we saw nothing bust bluster and show. Everything prayed for was general, with the exception of a choice few who got singled out over the couple thousand that were there. The pastor of the church came up on stage and just talked about the miracles he's seen, and how he believes in them. He showed a video testimony about whats already been done. When he was done talking, he turned the service over to another group who promptly sang like two songs and then their leader came up on the stage and started selling their CD. Thats when Micah and I left. We were there for two hours and what did we see? We saw a hungry congregation that was there and pumped up for God...they were HUNGRY. But we saw a service that was nothing but bluster and show.

Now I know my church does not do these type of services or even really move in this manner (in terms of miracles, healings, etc) yet, and I do stress yet, because I know in my core that God is only just beginning do his work through our church, but I can tell you this: When that day comes when an opportunity like that church had comes to our church I pray that we don't miss it. I want us to be as real then as we are now. Every part of that service was a show...an old-school example of showmanship and talk, with little to no action. You know what..I want action. I want every corner of our city covered under the light of our Living God. I want it all real! I want all to see who our God really is. He's not just words...he's action. He's not bluster...he's the real deal. God never wastes your time! However, I feel like my time was wasted when I visited this church.

All this being said, I'm in no place to judge, and my thoughts and prayers are with this church. They have great influence in our community and they can be used to turn Columbus on its head for God. Their pastor is a gifted teacher and is well-connected in the community. I can only imagine the potential of this church. So my prayers go out to this church.

As for me, I want it all, and I want it all to be real. My prayer is that all of our churches are real with our people. That way, when God does move in a service....when miracles and healings do happen...we can give glory to God and not to ourselves.

Hurt

I hurt someone special yesterday. It wasn't intentional...I didn't seek to hurt this person. I stayed up half the night wondering how it could have been avoided, and how I should have done things differently. This person is one of the most wonderful people in the world and deserves better then she got from me. She's a star that shines bright in the night sky that often seems clouded and I hurt that star. I also know that for the time being I had to do take the action that I took or it would have risked hurting her more down the road.

Lord, I know the prayer of Jabez was a bit of a fad a couple years ago, but I mean it here: Please build me Father so that won't cause anyone pain. I've been through of alot it and I know how it feels. I don't want to be the catalyst to hurt others.

Thank You

I hope that since I started writing this blog that I've been expressive in how thankful I am to others for being there for me in the rough time that was 2008. I also want anyone who has taken the time to read this blog to know that I although my writing is often times very serious...and I guess at times you could call it depressing, I'm actually living a good life. Its been a very hard road seeing the woman you thought to be the love of your life leave, but believe it or not I'm making it through.

I want to thank first my precious Lord, Jesus Christ for first saving me, and then rebuilding this broken man into someone who all of the sudden is not ashamed to call him King. Where I'd be without God in my life is absolutely clear: I'd be nowhere...or worse...dead. Thank you, Father for showing that true love does wait. You waited for me and You were ready for me when I came running. Thanks for my family for sticking by me and yet managing to stay as moderate as possible. It would have been easy to choose a side here, but you all did your best not to judge either of us. Thanks John for being the mentor I needed. Thank you Konan, Gary, and C3 Church for being that place I needed when my world fell around me. Thank you all of my friends whom God has brought into my life over the course of a year who have been supportive and loving. I needed that love and support. Thank you, Michelle for being so caring and understanding. You saw the diamond in the rough... Thank you, Laura for your sound words and for not judging me. I'm glad that we've managed to remain friends all of these years. Micah, Jake, Nathan, Nate, David, and Isaac...thank you! Thank you for that male brotherhood that was needed when I just needed someone to hang with. Thank you, Tim Buttrey for all the months you stood in agreement with me in all the prayer and fasting that was done in an attempt to save a marriage. Your counsel has helped shape my heart. Jane...thank you...you were an amazing prayer partner and quite the warrior as well.

There is one last person to thank...VJR...wherever you are.... Thank you for the years that you gave. Thank you for all the joys that we did share. Thank you for the experiences. Thank you for forgiving what you could. Thank you for helping to bring out the best in me. I hope that one day you'll see the fruits of all that has happened. While I now have to live this life without you, I rest assured that in faith I'll still spend eternity with you. I'll take that over this lifetime any day.

Overall, I'm just thankful for this life that has been given to me. While there has been tears, there is now great hope in what God will bring. Joy fills my heart in knowing that God has a wonderful purpose for my life.

For those of you who may be wondering...I chose to take the risk. Stay tuned.

Crossroads

Its was a year ago today that my ex-wife woke up and walked out the door. It seems like it was yesterday, but yet it also seems like it was years ago. I spent the better part of a year grieving, fighting, praying, and trying to live. I did finally move forward and met somebody pretty awesome, but yet something has been missing. I haven't really known what God has wanted me to do. I keep thinking he wants me to do certain things but yet I keep talking myself out of it. I stand at the same point I did as a 16-year-old teenager in high school: answer the call I believe that God has on my life...or go my own way. Back then my own way took me into the military. I ran from the calling God had for me and I've been looking back ever since. I understand that God still blessed me with the wife he told me I was going to marry (remember its not his fault we failed), and I got to see a wonderful world. He totally blessed me, but something was missing. There was an emptiness. I felt like I missed what God wanted me to do in my life.

Flash forward now...I'm 30...yes, I'm old. I feel a call of God on my life, but don't know where. I am again tempted to go back into the service and finish out my pension. I don't even feel comfortable in my own church anymore. I don't feel used...I feel like a ship with no rutter. I feel like I am not serving my God-given purpose. Tomorrow I was scheduled to go in an take a military test for an officer program. I emailed the recruiter and made a different choice: I told him I wasn't going. I told him I didn't feel the military was where I'm supposed to be. This time I made a different choice. I gave up the security of a pension and a guaranteed pay check for the unknown.

When at C3's leadership training last Sunday, I asked the guys to pray for me. Ever since then my heart has been stirring. I'm starting to see. While I still have no idea what God wants me to do there is a clarity that is beginning to form. I have a choice to make soon...a risk to go for. I have nothing to lose, but yet its still a risk...it's a huge risk. What if I fail? What if I misread what God wants me to do? What if its all in my head?

I'm leaning towards taking the risk. What do you think? If there was ever a need for comments...I'd definitely take them now.

Birthday

Its been awhile since I've written. Mainly its because I've been contemplating alot more. With my divorce now final, and me moving on into another relationship (a refreshing one, I can tell you that) there has been so much going through my head. Its my birthday now and it seems like the best time to write.

I turned 30 today. As I now look over the past 30 years its been hard to face what I've done, where I've failed. I was a catalyst in blowing up my marriage. I ran from God and his calling for eight years and I failed in so many opportunities to share the love of God to other people. I feel like a failure. I feel like I've failed those closest to me even now. It seems odd to celebrate what I feel to be 30 years of failure.

However, I'm choosing to celebrate a little differently today. I'm not celebrating my past 30 years. I'm celebrating the fact that I still have plenty more years, God-willing, to be used for the Kingdom of God. I'm celebrating getting through this past year where I lost my wife, was abandoned by others, and had to fight for my faith against those who labeled me a fool. I've lived through the greatest pain I've ever felt and I've lived to tell the tale. I'm celebrating survival...I'm celebrating hope...I'm celebrating a chance to serve God again. I'm celebrating a new beginning. I'm believing in faith that over time the scars will heal and that I'll be able to truly love again. I'm believing that today marks the date that God himself marked the calendar and said "Derek, my son, will be born on this day."

For those of you that have prayed for me or simply read this blog and got something out of it...thank you. For those have you who stood the gap believing that I would make it through...I did with all thanks to the Lord. Thank you... I dedicate this birthday to my God and those that allowed God to use them to be there for me. I appreciate it. Thank you...thank all of you.

Justified

Honest question...how many times have we used something someone else has done to justify our own bad choices? For example, a husband leaves his wife for another woman and blames it on his wife because he wasn't her priority. I went through that, and I've done it myself. We've all done it, but what does it really do to our lives? I believe that using that type of false justification only enables us to feel better about decisions we know we shouldn't make. I also believe that by justifying bad choices on other people's mistakes, we enable ourselves to avoid dealing with issues that need to be dealt with in order for us not to carry baggage. Thats why I don't believe its right for a wife to leave a husband because he got hooked on porn, or a friend to turn their back on another friend because they hurt them. In the end, the actual problems don't get solved and we carry them forward as baggage in our lives. We basically poison our futures. We base decisions on the baggage we carry. The truth is justifying a sin with another sin only leads to more pain and more suffering on all parts. If we face our problems, and handle them in a Christ-like manner, then we are justified in truth....God's truth.

Final

Its been awhile since I've written. The truth is that I really haven't known what to say. I knew my days as a married man were coming to a close soon and I didn't know how to express it. Today was our final court date. I'm now a single man. I'm still digesting all of this, but I just want to thank people like my friends Micah and Gary, and relatives from Val's side of the family, John and Jane. I appreciate their Christian mentorship.

I'm not sure what is going to happen from this day forth. I'm hurting alot but I guess it'll get easier. Ten years of your life is a long time to leave behind, but I have to if I'm ever going to be what God wants me to be.