Second Chances

Ever since my marriage fell apart, it’s been a long journey to wholeness. Along the way I’ve made some good decisions, some weird decisions, and some poor decisions. I’ve helped people. God has used me to touch many lives, but when I’ve gone out on my own, I’ve made poor choices and have sometimes hurt people I care about. I’m not proud of these poor choices, as I’ve already blogged. I’ve made bad decisions in dating, friendships, and in dealing with co-workers. And every time that I can remember, I’ve paid the price one way or another. Now here I am looking back over the past two months and thinking, “How on earth do I deserve any of this?”

I’ve already written about Jenn. When we met, I was sporadically dating and didn’t think much of it, but within a week I realized there was something about her that seemed to reach into my soul. I started to talk and spend more time with her and started to feel things I hadn’t been able to feel in so long. That really doesn’t mean a lot because it’s really just feelings, right? However, I started to do more than feel. I started to know. It was fast, too. Everything was a whirlwind as I realized while driving down to see her one day that I was willing to do almost anything for her. I realized I was willing to lay my life down for her. Up until this point, I don’t think I ever really knew what love truly was. Even when I was married, I don’t think I understood it. It’s more than a feeling. It’s more than just a moment. This is where I have some regrets… I’ve said and done things in the name of love in my past which I’ve come to realize just were not the case. I should have known better. I claim to know God, and GOD IS LOVE! In all of this, I’ve hurt people! Not just people I’ve had relationships with, but my friends! I can’t believe I’ve hurt people like this. Oh my…for anyone that’s reading this that I may have hurt, I’m sorry and I ask your forgiveness.

This is where I get down to the true subject here: second chances. As Jenn and I began to grow closer, she started to get into my heart like no one really ever has. Ok…let me stress that again. She started to get into my heart like no one ever has. This concerned me and I started praying. I also stopped talking to or dating anyone else. This happened probably within the first seven days of meeting her. She had me flipped upside down and all around. It scared me and I started praying. I literally started asking God to get her out of my life if she wasn’t supposed to be a major part of it because I saw what was happening in me: I was beginning to trust her. I was telling her deeper things than even my closest friends knew. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. But the more I prayed, the more I felt I should pursue. And the more I pursued, the more my heart grew for her. It was fast and didn’t take long, but I fell in love with this woman. It wasn’t just a feeling, but a truth. I saw that I was willing to die for her. I wanted to be that guy in her life, and I wanted her to be that girl in my life. I continued pursuing her, even though I knew she didn’t initially feel that same love. As I prayed, I grew more confident in what was going on between us. We became “official” and that was special in itself, but the growth continued, and out of nowhere, Jenn told me that she loved me. It was completely unexpected, but you could tell how true she felt in saying it. Talk about change, right?

Well, more change continued to come. Right before Jenn went out to California for her brother’s wedding, we actually broached the subject of marriage. By now I understood that I could one day marry her, but it was just a small thought in a grander scheme. However, when she left for California, I realized how real everything was. I didn’t just understand that I could marry her one day, but I realized that this girl was indeed the girl for me. I missed her presence in my life every day she was gone and I simply longed to hear her voice. I could tell that it was the same way on her end. When she got home, the subject became more real. Jenn is the girl for me to marry. So we talked a little more and then we actually went ring shopping. Trust me: during this time I was praying… I didn’t go into this blindly. The next day, I bought the ring…and on Friday, I asked her to marry me.

Okay, okay, okay…I’m sure there are quite a few people going HOLD ON…. Isn’t this way too fast? Are you sure about this? I know Jenn has been asked these questions, and even though no one has really said that to me, I’m sure someone has thought it. Well, trust me, it may be fast, but I didn’t rush. It may seem rash, but there was a lot of prayer and even some fasting that was involved. In the end, I simply understood that I love this girl and I wanted to spend my life with her, and I didn’t need the traditional 8 months plus to figure that out. Jenn is the woman I love, and I happen to be the man she loves, and we both understand what we are getting into. So if anyone here is concerned about the timing, thank you. Just understand that sometimes things can’t be explained with normal logic or tradition. Sometimes we defy all logic. In this case, the logical mind states that we are rushing, but the truth is there was no rush involved, just two people who understand that they don’t want to live this life without each other. You don’t have to believe what I’m saying; that’s fine. Regardless, marriage is a serious step that we are preparing to make, and we need your support, prayers, and knowledge to get it right.

Please understand that we both know this is our second chance. We both know this is a blessing, and neither of us is willing to risk that second chance. I don’t deserve this second chance, but instead God has blessed me with a woman that has surpassed every hope and dream I could imagine. So here’s to second chances. May we honor God with them, especially considering that without His grace, we don’t deserve them.