Selfish

I wrote not too long ago about the insecurities that I deal with and how it seems to affect me on a daily basis. It’s botched up relationships, friendships, and has simply gotten in the way of some of my hopes and dreams for my life. Now with my recent engagement it seems like these old insecurities are rearing their ugly head again. It’s getting old, and to be honest, I understand that it’s becoming selfish.

When I let these insecurities get in my head it brings my attention back to myself instead of being able to give of myself to others, including God, my fiancé, my family, and my friends, etc. I hate that part of me and I want nothing more than to be able to purge that part of who I am. Why can’t I believe that I can be loved? Jenn obviously loves me or she’d never have said yes to marrying my sorry butt! It’s driving me crazy. It’s obvious that God loves me. I mean really, He’s blessed me all of my life despite all the times I’ve run from Him and despite all of my failures. He’s blessing me with a second chance at marriage with an amazing woman that adores me and is also very patient with me in spite of my shortcomings. Gah!! It’s so aggravating!

I don’t want to be internal. I want to be external. I need to love everyone around me and I can do that when I worry about myself. Jenn certainly deserves better than that. So as I work through stuff I’d ask you to pray for me and, as always, hold me accountable. I refuse to become my bio-dad.