Why Do We Do the Things We Do?

Its been awhile since I've written. Usually I can boil over more words then I can say, but recently my words have been few. I made a mistake a couple weeks ago that I'm paying for now, and I've been too ashamed to share it. I can tell you that as a result of it though, I stepped down from a role that I absolutely loved, and have sought to correct the issue. But the issue burns... Why do we do the things we do?

I've been through alot in my life, more then I can really ever say. I've been down the roads of abuse and abandonment, and I've walked down the paths of joy and love. I've gained much and lost plenty. However, in all my experiences I can't really shake why I did what I did. The truth is I don't know. God provided the exit routes. He gave me plenty of opportunities to run from the situation. I didn't do it for the same reasons that men do what I did. So why did I do it? Well, the only conclusion is that there is something deeper within...a monster I haven't faced. When faced with this I made a conscious decision to face it head on. I'm not going to risk whatever ministry God has for me. I'm trusting Him to tear whatever this is out of me, and heal the open wound with something new and pure. So I went to my pastor and confessed my failure. He stood behind me and talked with me and, to be honest, gave me love I did not expect. He also recommended a couple books for me to read, "Every Man's Battle," and "Wild At Heart." Both of these books have been recommended to me, and I pretty much blew them off. Not this time. I went ahead and told my pastor, as a sign of faith, I was going to pick up the books and get to work. I kept my word.

So I'm in "Wild at Heart" now...and let me tell you: It's jacking me up. So many things it pinpoints...especially with Daddy issues. Now I'm adopted, having been abandoned by two fathers. When he adopted me, we got along fine for awhile, and I certainly treasure all that he did with me early. I especially remember the first time he took me fishing...I even remember the month and year, May 1988. I remember that the Angels were in Cleveland playing the Indians in old Municipal Stadium and we taped the game while Dad and I went to Berlin Lake. He out caught me 8-4 in fish, and my Angels beat the Indians 8-4. I treasure that day still.

However as the years went on, Dad and I grew apart. He became engulfed in some personal issues and he and I didn't get that time together. We stopped getting along. As a matter of fact, one night when I was singing at church, we got into it badly. When we were done, I had no voice. By the Grace of God, I was able to sing that night and He didn't see it happen. When I left for the Navy, we were barely on speaking terms.

Over the years, my dad and I have come to an understanding. When I'm around he enjoys my company and we talk, but nothing deep. I've always felt like I never got his approval for anything in my life. That became apparent to me as I dug into "Wild at Heart." I never had his approval.

So today I called my dad, and I said to him, "Dad, I have an important question and I really need to know. What kind of man do you think I am?"

He said quickly, "You're a good man."

I said, "Dad, are you proud of the man I've become?"

"Yes, I'm proud of you," he replied.

Finally, I asked him, "Dad, what kind of man do you think I'm going to be?"

He stopped with a pause and said, "You're a better man then me."
With that he went to work, and I finally had something I've craved for all these years: my dad's approval. Now that I think about it, I've probably had it all along. After he got off the phone, my mom got on the phone and told me he had this proud look on his face. It means more to me then he'll ever know. I also know that I've already had my heavenly Father's approval.

One thing I want to add about my dad....he's a good man...He took in 3 kids with no thought. He did what he could with us. I'm forever grateful.

So I'm taking this journey now into my soul. I'm completely trusting God to dig out all these things in me that have torn me apart and held me back. I believe this is one of the first steps I had to take. The interesting thing is that God has an amazing sense of humor. Ever since this happened, he has been using me to speak life into even more people's lives then before. I think its His way of showing me that He's not done with me and that He's going to use me. I hope you all stick along for the journey. I hope you find something useful out of all this rambling for yourself. I pray that God uses my story....from today and in the days prior to touch your life. After all its at the end of our story that we find out everything, including why we do what we do.
He who began a good work in me will complete it.