Redeemer

This weekend marks a turning point in my life. If I were to rewind the clock back over a year, you'd definitely find someone who was hurting very badly, but most people didn't know or understand how deep the pain went. As I write this I want everyone to know that I don't mean this as a look at me moment, but as an opportunity to point to God and say, "Look at what God did."
After my ex-wife left, it got really bad. Sure, I'd go to church and put a smile on, but underneath I was devastated. It felt like someone had taken a stake and driven through my heart. I felt empty and I didn't care about living. I woke up each day because I had to, not because I wanted to do.

I was actually working door to door at this time because I was basically forced to take the first job I could find. It was getting so bad for me that I was actually walking out in front of cars when moving from door to door. I wouldn't look the other way or anything. I just didn't care. It grew deeper to the point where I actually started asking God to take my life. I didn't want to live anymore and I didn't want to go home every night and cry over her anymore either. It culminated this past week a year ago. It was during this week that she came with members of her family to take what she wanted from the apartment. I let her take the bed and she took some other things she wanted. When she left that day, she told me to "have a good life." Foolishly instead of seeking my friends, I went back to work and tried to fight through the rest of the day. I made it through and slept on the couch that night...crying. Two days later, back on Ohio State's campus I was closing up for the day and at that point my heart had had enough. I got in the car and started driving to back to the office to drop my stuff off. As I drove, my mind began to spin with the memories of all the good things that my ex-wife and I did together, and then it began to spin faster with all of the memories of more recent times that were filled with total anguish. I began to weep and shake and I decided that I'd had enough.

As calmly as possible I turned my work in and I got in my car. I picked my phone and called my mother and told her that regardless of anything happening to me that I love her. She noticed the tone in my voice and began to freak out. I hung up the phone. I then called my friend Nathan and told him the same thing. I then hung up the phone and turned it off. I was a broken man without a care left and I was in a car by myself. I fully intended to end my life. I imagined myself driving straight into the separation that makes up the I-70 exit from I-270 on the Columbus beltway and began to head that direction.

However, as I write this I'm reminded of one of my favorite verses: Isaiah 49:16. This is a verse folks often times see me refer to. "Behold, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands; You walls are continually before me." I had (and have) a God who was not going to let me go so easily.
I felt a check in my spirit and I pulled over and stopped the car. I turned my phone back on and there was two messages there. The second one was from Nathan. He was freaking out and saying if I did not call him back he was calling 911. The first one was from my mother. Now if anyone knows my mom, she's not the most affectionate person in the world. She's just not a lovey dovey person at all. However, on this message I remember very clearly her words: "I want you to know that the day you were born was the greatest day of my life. I love you." Those were the words that broke through...those were the words that God knew would get to me. The next day I woke up and started new again.

God did not give up on me. Because of Him working in the right people, I'm alive today. I was in class at OSOM (The Ohio School of Ministry) friday night, one year after it happened, praising God and just humbled at where life has gone in a year. I believe that since that day He's used me in quite a few lives. When I think of how I wouldn't have touched those lives if I were dead, I shudder. Sometimes we just live life and fail to truly understand the magnitude of mankind's fall. However God sent us His son, Jesus Christ to be our redeemer. He redeemed me in light of my sins and all of my hurt. He truly is Lord.