Figuring it out

I'd like to tell you that my first year teaching in Colorado has been great. I'd also like to tell you that I've enjoyed it immensely, but I'd be wrong with both statements.

Now before you get the wrong idea, I need to put out a few truths: I love Colorado, and I love North Park. There are some wonderful people here, and who could ever argue about the sights? I enjoy teaching social studies here. I'm thankful for the freedom the district has given me to teach some controversial topics. I adore my students. Let me say this one more time for emphasis: I adore my students. I will do anything I can to help them succeed.

The problem I have is my struggles to acclimate to a new culture, which I've never had a problem doing before. I adjusted just fine when I live in Italy. I fit in well when serving in Washington, D.C., and I lived the good life while stationed in New Jersey. However, the culture here is different. I don't know how to explain it. I can only say that it is. For whatever reason, I constantly feel like an outsider here. Maybe my personality doesn't mix well with some folks, or perhaps I'm a bit shortsighted in my thinking. I don't know.

What I do know is that these feelings are often common in first-year teachers. It's not some warning sign of impending doom. I just hope and pray that I can learn from a tough first year and become a better teacher and coach. I hope that my students understand how much I care about them, even as I challenge them with difficult material. The one thing I do know is that God brought me here for a reason. I have to trust that, even though I don't understand much of anything.

Thanksgiving 2014 - Why I'm Thankful

The past couple of years have been pretty rough. Whether it be the job hunt or the highly stressful year working in a tough position in Cincinnati, it's been difficult. I spent plenty of time questioning God's direction for me. Honestly, I didn't know what was going to happen.

In truth, I've kept a secret from most people about the job hunt. I applied to my alma mater Boardman High School two years in a row. I was homesick and wanted to go home. I wanted to make a difference in my community. I hoped to be another light in a region that has long suffered economically. I wanted to be a part of something special at home. To say that I had zeroed in on Boardman High School would be an understatement. That's where I wanted to be. It was my dream job.

In 2013, I aggressively pursued an interview at Boardman, and I eventually got one. It went well, at least I thought it did. I drove back to Cincinnati that day believing that it was my destiny to return home. At the very least, I expected to get a second interview. However, that's not what happened. The principal called and basically told me that I wasn't a good fit, but he believed that I would be an excellent teacher one day. I was heartbroken, but I didn't give up hope that I could one day go home.

During the 2013-2014 school year, I did what I could to fill my resume. I coached both football and basketball and taught at a charter school in downtown Cincinnati. I worked hard and poured myself into everything I did. Furthermore, I periodically emailed Boardman to let them know that I was still around and hoped for another opportunity. Later, when I began applying for jobs again, one of the first things I did was update my application with Boardman. I called and emailed again, but this time there was no interview.

I'm not going to lie; this perceived rejection hurt. Was there something wrong with me? What did Boardman see that they didn't like? What was my flaw? To this day, I don't know. All I know is that I spent the next few months feeling bitter about it, even when I got hired at North Park.

My perspective has changed now that I've been here for almost three months. I'm thankful for the wonderful kids I've been blessed to teach. I appreciate an administration that has faith in me to take different approaches with my Social Studies kids. I'm thrilled that, for the most part, the students and their parents have accepted me as one of their own. The move here has been a more difficult adjustment than I anticipated, but I love it in North Park. My wife loves it here. We can see the purpose for which we were brought here, and for all of that, I'm thankful.

I no longer feel bitter that Boardman didn't hire me. They had their reasons, and maybe I wouldn't have done as well there. I think that God had a different, better plan for us. For that, I'm thankful more than words can express. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Birthday Introspection - Have I Done Enough?

There are some days when I question if anything that I’ve done has mattered. It usually happens right around my birthday, which I guess makes sense. I turn 35 years old tomorrow, and I’m feeling every bit of that age. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not feeling old. It’s not like that at all. Instead, I’m looking back over my life and wondering if I’ve accomplished anything. Have I changed people’s lives? Have I made the world a better place? Have I really allowed God to use me during my short time on this earth?

I’d like to say that I have made a difference. I’d like to believe that I’ve done everything I could to serve my God, family, church and students, but I don’t think I have. I cringe when I look at all the imperfections in my own life. My flaws run deep. How can I make a difference?

However, I’m sure about one thing: God’s grace. I know that He had His reasons for setting me on this path. I understand that His grace covers me. That’s why I move forward; that’s why I keep plugging away. I believe that God continues to use me to bless others, even when I don’t see it.

It’s important to have faith here. The race is long, and there is always much to be done. I don’t know what God has in store for my life. I just have to believe that He will continue to do a good work in me. I pray that God uses me throughout the rest of my life to change the lives of everyone around me for the better. That includes my students, both past and present. Here's to a future of making a difference with them and everyone else I meet. 

Impact

It’s amazing how much impact we can have on someone, even with the little things. Last night, I lost my stepfather, Jim Codner, to a heart attack. I’m not really sure how to deal with this loss, but I do know that this man made a distinct impact on my life.

As I grew older, he was one of the few people I could call, day or night, just to talk. I remember my first conversation with him after my ex-wife left me. He gave some of the most important advice I could have ever received. He was there in my most desperate hour, and I’ve never forgotten that.

Jim was also one of the few people who truly supported my writing. Uncle Rob told me last night how Jim was bragging about my work during a run down to Texas earlier this week. He constantly encouraged me to keep going, even when I didn’t write for a while. Jim believed in me far more than I believed in myself. He was proud of the man I became, and he wasn’t afraid to show it.

These examples seem like such little things, but they are indicative of the man Jim was. He saw the best in people; he believed in them. Jim used his own life experiences to help others fly higher than they ever could. He made a true impact on my life, and I will never forget that.

I will do the best I can to honor his memory. Earlier this year, I promised that I would finally become the person who finished what I started. I have a book that’s been sitting unfinished for nearly three years. It’s time to write the ending. I wish that I had done it sooner so he could have read it, but I can’t change that now. All I can do is say thank you and be there for the rest of the family, especially my brother Jimmy. I can only hope to have the same impact on others that Jim had on me.

For Granted

There’s something about music that seems to reach me in a way that nothing else can. I was driving to work this morning when K-Love played Jason Gray’s song “Good to be Alive.” The lyrics touched me in a way that I haven’t been touched in a long time.

Here are the verses that got to me:

I won’t take it for granted

I won’t waste another second

All I want is to give you

A life well lived, to say “thank you.”

I wanna live like there’s no tomorrow,

Love like I’m on borrowed time,

It’s good to be, it’s good to be alive.

I started thinking about my life, and I came to a sad realization: I’ve taken it for granted. What’s worse is that I’ve been doing it for a long time. I feel as though I’ve been living on the defensive ever since my ex-wife left me five years ago. It’s almost as if I’ve become nothing more than a survivor who is unwilling to truly feel or let people get close to me.

When I look at what I’ve been given, I should be grateful. The Lord gave me a wife who will never leave me. She loves me very much, and she will never give up on me. I’ve become a successful writer who now owns and operates a website covering my favorite team. I’ve been published on Yahoo! Sports, Apocalypse MMA and several other websites. Finally, I’ve finished the licensure process. I’m now a substitute teacher who has had the privilege of working with some wonderful students.

However, despite all of these personal and professional successes, I realize that I’m not really living life. There’s not a lot of joy in my heart; there’s not a lot of happiness. I simply live every day expecting it to be just as blah as the day before, and it’s all my fault.

The truth is I became so bent on trying to make up for past professional failures that I lost sight of what’s really important. God gave me a wonderful gift with Jenn, but I have continually pushed her away when I should have let her in. I’ve taken the greatest personal gift God could give me (outside of salvation), and I’ve built a wall between us. I didn’t want to risk feeling the same pain that I felt five years ago, so I went on the defensive, and I didn’t even realize it.

Moreover, I’ve built that same wall around my heart with God and the church. I believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, but for whatever reason, I’ve still kept a safe distance. I’ve put my heart into work instead of growing closer to my brothers and sisters at church. In short, I stopped feeling; I stopped living.

I only get one chance at this life. I love the Lord, and I want to please him. The time has come for me to stop living in fear of being hurt by others. The Bible tells us that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV). Fear is not of God.

I don’t want to waste any more time. I could die of a heart attack tomorrow, and I don’t want to leave this world without serving God as best I could. I don’t want to take His gifts for granted. No matter how we want to frame it, we are on borrowed time, and I should be living every day like it’s my last on this earth. That’s my prayer for today – to live like there’s no tomorrow.

Five Months Later…

It’s been five months since I’ve written here. It’s not because I didn’t want to write, or because I found better things to do. I simply found more things to do. Here is a look at the past 180 days in the life of Derek Ciapala.

A.    I finished my first semester at Xavier in May. All three of the classes were for my language arts licensure, and they all were my biggest challenges thus far in graduate school. I’ve always been an avid reader, but I’ve never spent as time with my nose in a book as I did last spring.

B.     I started freelance writing last February. Since then, I’ve become a featured contributor for the Yahoo Contributor Network for sports. I specialize in international Soccer and mixed martial arts, but I also write NCAA and NFL football, MLB, NHL, MLS, and fantasy football. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to write about what I love, and I’m very grateful for it.

C.     Summer classes were easier, but still time consuming. Jenn and I have been struggling to find time together ever since. Writing didn’t become a problem until I was forced to start writing more…and why did I need to start writing more? That leads me to…

D.    In June, JPMorgan informed our office that the transfer agency has sub-contracted out to U.S. Bank, and that we were all losing our jobs in November. They later pushed it back to December. December 31 will be my last as a JPMorgan employee. Jenn and I see this as an opportunity for me to finally reset after what’s been a rough few years. I’m going to finish school and keep writing to help support us. However, I’m concerned that I’ll need to find more work.

E.    Throughout all of these changes, I’ve struggled to really keep my walk with the Lord. There are so many distractions that seem to demand not just my attention, but Jenn’s attention. We definitely need some prayer backup.

Overall, our faith is being stretched and molded each day. Thanks for reading. I’ll check in more often.