Friday morning I woke up with a nasty stomach and ache. A couple hours later I was making visit to the lovely toilet next to the Bathroom Spider every twenty minutes or so, and a couple hours after that I was barely able to stand. I had a fever that broke over night Friday night and I didn’t start feeling normal again until midway through Saturday. In all I missed two days of work. That means I’ve now missed 5 days of work since I got hired in April due to illness.
I am really frustrated. I would occasionally get sick when I was in the service, but then I went about a couple years without getting sick at all. Now over the course of the past year, I’ve had periodic glitches like this. I have never been sick this much...ever. It had me stressed about potentially losing my job until I read my company’s attendance policy today. However, I want to be seen as dependable and as a guy about to get married to the most wonderful woman in the world for me, it certainly rips at my ego to have to tell her I’m not feeling well…again. What gives?
I don’t eat perfectly, but I’ve been eating healthier. I’ve managed to keep my weight right around 200 if not a little lighter. I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds, but I’m definitely not massively overweight. I just have a little chunk…you know…just a bit. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I stay out of trouble and generally live a clean life. I’m not sure what the glitch is. Any ideas?
Well, don’t mind the vent. Venting through writing is a good release and I am glad I’m able to work and be a part of the conversion team today.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Stanley Cup
Well I couldn't help but get a kick out of this image of Sidney Crosby sleeping with the Stanley Cup. Traditionally players from Stanley Cup winning teams have done some odd things with the Cup and here is further proof of it. Anyone know of any good Stanley Cup stories?
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The Bathroom Spider
So I moved in with Micah a few months ago and while the apartment is nice, it’s right in front of a patch of woods. This means insects galore. This hasn’t been much more than an annoyance so far, but recently a friend took up residence in my bathroom…a spider.
So let me tell you that I’ve long been afraid of spiders including one embarrassing incident a couple years ago in my old apartment that I will give no further comment on. After the unfortunate incident, I became determined to no longer be afraid of them, while of course spraying the apartment down every three months to keep spiders out. I have been successful so far at not freaking out when a spider is around in this apartment, but you know this newest one has been my greatest challenge.
This little guy has taken up residence on the floor near between my toilet and the sink. He’s a fast little bugger too. If startled, he’s gone. He seems to taunt me by just being there though. I came up with the rule that as long as he stays in his corner, I will let him live, while every instinct says kill him. Now let me tell you first hand, while I love animals, I’m no PETA activist. I’m not going to shed a tear if Mr. Spider meets his untimely demise, but part of me wants to let him live so just to fight back the old arachnophobia. I sometimes actually say hello to him (yes, I’m weird), and yesterday I actually caught him enjoying lunch (another spider!). Interesting…
However, I’ve noticed the little guy starting to expand his boundaries. Today I found him at the far end of the sink, ever so close to my trash can. I startled him to get him to run back to his corner. This is a little nerve wracking. So is it time to kill him, or do I let him continue to run wild? I don’t even know what kind of spider he is. What do you think? Is it time to end the Bathroom Spider’s life?
So let me tell you that I’ve long been afraid of spiders including one embarrassing incident a couple years ago in my old apartment that I will give no further comment on. After the unfortunate incident, I became determined to no longer be afraid of them, while of course spraying the apartment down every three months to keep spiders out. I have been successful so far at not freaking out when a spider is around in this apartment, but you know this newest one has been my greatest challenge.
This little guy has taken up residence on the floor near between my toilet and the sink. He’s a fast little bugger too. If startled, he’s gone. He seems to taunt me by just being there though. I came up with the rule that as long as he stays in his corner, I will let him live, while every instinct says kill him. Now let me tell you first hand, while I love animals, I’m no PETA activist. I’m not going to shed a tear if Mr. Spider meets his untimely demise, but part of me wants to let him live so just to fight back the old arachnophobia. I sometimes actually say hello to him (yes, I’m weird), and yesterday I actually caught him enjoying lunch (another spider!). Interesting…
However, I’ve noticed the little guy starting to expand his boundaries. Today I found him at the far end of the sink, ever so close to my trash can. I startled him to get him to run back to his corner. This is a little nerve wracking. So is it time to kill him, or do I let him continue to run wild? I don’t even know what kind of spider he is. What do you think? Is it time to end the Bathroom Spider’s life?
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
To the Beginning
I recently wrote about how my fears from the past were holding me back. I’ve been praying about it and seeking Godly counsel from people like Pastor Gary Fowler while still struggling with the weirdness in my own mind. It has not been easy either with Jenn spending two months in Princeton, New Jersey on an internship and therefore forcing us to communicate by words only. However, we have made it so far with both some up days and some down days. We seem to keep growing closer.
This past weekend I drove out to see her in New Jersey. It was a bit of a homecoming for me as I spent my first tour of duty in the Navy stationed onboard the USS Supply, which was homeported at NWS Earle in Leonardo, New Jersey. I used to drive the same route out to New Jersey all those years ago and as soon as I passed mile marker 160 on I-76 all the memories started pouring in.
There were a lot of beginnings out there on the New Jersey coast. I served my first tour of duty there and in the process took part in two overseas deployments. I also spent the first 18 months of my marriage out there too. With all the military hardships and the pain that I went through with the divorce there were definitely some ghosts hidden away in my closet.
On Saturday, Jenn and I got in the car and headed out to the New Jersey coast line. I showed her where I used to live on base. I drove her down the same road I used to drive to get to work. I took her to the mall I used to frequent, Monmouth Mall and actually looked at wedding stuff there (no dice though on finding anything). She bought me some sandals (yay for presents) and then we went to the beach in Sea Bright. I can’t tell you how long we were there, but once again we found a way to have a romantic time. We walked along the beach stopping for a kiss, and looking for shells to remember the occasion. It was quite romantic and I can tell you that is one of those moments where I felt so close to my fiancé.
The sun began to set so we got back in the car and drove to NWS Earle. I parked in the visitor parking lot, put my arm around Jenn, and proceeded to tell her about how the base has changed. I told her stories about the place and marveled at its changes. It was surreal sitting at the gate I used to drive through. I could still see the old bus stop we used to wait at to get a ride up the pier. Jenn didn’t see it, but there was plenty of emotion welling up in me.
After a few minutes, I took her into Atlantic Highlands, which was my favorite hangout spot. It was right next to the base and if you went out by the docks, you could see the three mile long pier that jutted out into the middle of the bay. I parked the car and we walked close to the water’s edge. We stared at the now empty pier and I struggled to hold it in. I understood now that just like the ships are now gone, so is the man that I was. I’ve spent so much time recently dealing with fear and insecurity, yet here at this moment, with Jenn standing beside me, it was done. I have no doubt that God ordained that time out there for me. It was the past meeting the future, and I chose the future.
We went to a local restaurant and enjoyed dinner together and then drove back to Princeton. There was such a peace within me. I am not afraid any more. I am not who I used to be. Those days and my past are behind me. I have been blessed with a second chance to both live and have someone to share life with. I can not waste it. I will not waste it.
Jenn was amazing this weekend. She wanted to go with me and learn more about me. She wanted to see where I’ve been. Jenn could have been mired in insecurity thinking that I was unable to get over my past. Instead, she understood that it wasn’t any one thing or person that was holding me back, but my fear of failure that was holding me back. She just loved on me and loved being with me. I can not say enough about what kind of woman she is. For the first time, I realized that her love for me truly is unconditional. Jenn would do anything for me. How blessed am I? She has changed my life and I’m honored to be the man she chose. Her love for me is truly sent by God, and I can’t help but be thankful about that. Here’s to new beginnings… I can’t wait until October 17th.
This past weekend I drove out to see her in New Jersey. It was a bit of a homecoming for me as I spent my first tour of duty in the Navy stationed onboard the USS Supply, which was homeported at NWS Earle in Leonardo, New Jersey. I used to drive the same route out to New Jersey all those years ago and as soon as I passed mile marker 160 on I-76 all the memories started pouring in.
There were a lot of beginnings out there on the New Jersey coast. I served my first tour of duty there and in the process took part in two overseas deployments. I also spent the first 18 months of my marriage out there too. With all the military hardships and the pain that I went through with the divorce there were definitely some ghosts hidden away in my closet.
On Saturday, Jenn and I got in the car and headed out to the New Jersey coast line. I showed her where I used to live on base. I drove her down the same road I used to drive to get to work. I took her to the mall I used to frequent, Monmouth Mall and actually looked at wedding stuff there (no dice though on finding anything). She bought me some sandals (yay for presents) and then we went to the beach in Sea Bright. I can’t tell you how long we were there, but once again we found a way to have a romantic time. We walked along the beach stopping for a kiss, and looking for shells to remember the occasion. It was quite romantic and I can tell you that is one of those moments where I felt so close to my fiancé.
The sun began to set so we got back in the car and drove to NWS Earle. I parked in the visitor parking lot, put my arm around Jenn, and proceeded to tell her about how the base has changed. I told her stories about the place and marveled at its changes. It was surreal sitting at the gate I used to drive through. I could still see the old bus stop we used to wait at to get a ride up the pier. Jenn didn’t see it, but there was plenty of emotion welling up in me.
After a few minutes, I took her into Atlantic Highlands, which was my favorite hangout spot. It was right next to the base and if you went out by the docks, you could see the three mile long pier that jutted out into the middle of the bay. I parked the car and we walked close to the water’s edge. We stared at the now empty pier and I struggled to hold it in. I understood now that just like the ships are now gone, so is the man that I was. I’ve spent so much time recently dealing with fear and insecurity, yet here at this moment, with Jenn standing beside me, it was done. I have no doubt that God ordained that time out there for me. It was the past meeting the future, and I chose the future.
We went to a local restaurant and enjoyed dinner together and then drove back to Princeton. There was such a peace within me. I am not afraid any more. I am not who I used to be. Those days and my past are behind me. I have been blessed with a second chance to both live and have someone to share life with. I can not waste it. I will not waste it.
Jenn was amazing this weekend. She wanted to go with me and learn more about me. She wanted to see where I’ve been. Jenn could have been mired in insecurity thinking that I was unable to get over my past. Instead, she understood that it wasn’t any one thing or person that was holding me back, but my fear of failure that was holding me back. She just loved on me and loved being with me. I can not say enough about what kind of woman she is. For the first time, I realized that her love for me truly is unconditional. Jenn would do anything for me. How blessed am I? She has changed my life and I’m honored to be the man she chose. Her love for me is truly sent by God, and I can’t help but be thankful about that. Here’s to new beginnings… I can’t wait until October 17th.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Every Day
It seems that every single day I'm learning more about the man I am...and who I'm going to be. I see flashes of confidence, and I have moments where I'm like a child. I keep thinking I'm too old for this see-sawing back and forth and then I realize I'll likely be 80 years old one day and have my moments where I act 11. I'm thankful for the people I have in my life, especially Jenn, who know how to deal with me and love me, even when I'm weird.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Fear
Since I started writing this blog it's been such a journey. I remember the many days I cried, and I remember all the hours I sat and asked God to end everything. I did not want to live this life. It was not a blessing, but instead a curse. Despite feeling cursed, I made the decision to move forward. I fought to save my former marriage. I ran towards God. I sought opportunities to serve, and I became vocal about what we as men needed to do to grow relationships. There was joy there because of my running towards God, but healing seemed to evade me. I never felt like God was there regardless of any effort that I made to draw closer to Him, and yet I still kept witnessing about Him. I chose to act in faith instead. I lived in fear of the future, of the unknown, and whether or not I could ever trust another woman in my life.
This fear has been a driving force in how I've dealt with people. I let friends get close. However, if you were a woman, you'd get close, then I'd freak out. Seriously, I'd freak out. Then came Jenn. There was something different about her. Something sure....something honest. She struck the right chords in me. She made me uncomfortable with how I was. She drew me in...and I pursued. Over time, I believe God has used her to break down walls in me that I didn't even know existed, and when I try and build new ones, Jenn will have none of it. She is relentless. Why do I love her? Among other reasons, its because she does not hide...THERE IS NO FEAR with her when it comes to me. She refuses to let me hide and as the future spiritual leader of our family, I must not hide.
Here's the thing... I feel like I'm at the apex of my journey. As Jenn and I move closer to our wedding date, all of my fears are coming out. All of the insecurities that I've been blogging about recently seem to running at me full speed. Before they were paralyzing me and kept me backing away from women especially, and now as I've finally been able to see the girl God has for me, these fears continue to be an obstacle.
So what is this fear? It's the fear of not being good enough. It's a fear of loss and abandonment. I've been left by people throughout my life and I'm to the point now where I sometimes don't feel like I'm good enough to love. I understand that's a lie from Satan and that God made us to love, and to be loved. Jenn has not given me any reason to believe that she would abandon me, and I have to have faith that the God who loves me is giving me a woman just as committed to righteousness as I am.
Okay, so what is the point of my ramble? I guess at the core of it, I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fearing what might be. I need to man up and face this once and for all. I need to be the man that Jenn can depend on to be a fearless man of God, who prays night and day for His family and takes the role of spiritual leader in our home. I've had enough! I believe 2 Timothy 1:7 says it best:
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (NKJV)
This fear is not from God and it's time I had that sound mind. I need to be the other centered husband to Jenn. I understand that we all deal with insecurities, but this has to go. I need to be the Ephesians 5 husband. I need to die to myself to be a part of something greater. I also know that this is not something I can do on my own. The entire reason I write this is to ask those of you praying Christians who read this to pray for me and to hold me accountable. Because I love this girl so much, I'm willing to pour it out to you all here and say please...pray for me. I will no longer tolerate fear in my life.
This fear has been a driving force in how I've dealt with people. I let friends get close. However, if you were a woman, you'd get close, then I'd freak out. Seriously, I'd freak out. Then came Jenn. There was something different about her. Something sure....something honest. She struck the right chords in me. She made me uncomfortable with how I was. She drew me in...and I pursued. Over time, I believe God has used her to break down walls in me that I didn't even know existed, and when I try and build new ones, Jenn will have none of it. She is relentless. Why do I love her? Among other reasons, its because she does not hide...THERE IS NO FEAR with her when it comes to me. She refuses to let me hide and as the future spiritual leader of our family, I must not hide.
Here's the thing... I feel like I'm at the apex of my journey. As Jenn and I move closer to our wedding date, all of my fears are coming out. All of the insecurities that I've been blogging about recently seem to running at me full speed. Before they were paralyzing me and kept me backing away from women especially, and now as I've finally been able to see the girl God has for me, these fears continue to be an obstacle.
So what is this fear? It's the fear of not being good enough. It's a fear of loss and abandonment. I've been left by people throughout my life and I'm to the point now where I sometimes don't feel like I'm good enough to love. I understand that's a lie from Satan and that God made us to love, and to be loved. Jenn has not given me any reason to believe that she would abandon me, and I have to have faith that the God who loves me is giving me a woman just as committed to righteousness as I am.
Okay, so what is the point of my ramble? I guess at the core of it, I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fearing what might be. I need to man up and face this once and for all. I need to be the man that Jenn can depend on to be a fearless man of God, who prays night and day for His family and takes the role of spiritual leader in our home. I've had enough! I believe 2 Timothy 1:7 says it best:
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (NKJV)
This fear is not from God and it's time I had that sound mind. I need to be the other centered husband to Jenn. I understand that we all deal with insecurities, but this has to go. I need to be the Ephesians 5 husband. I need to die to myself to be a part of something greater. I also know that this is not something I can do on my own. The entire reason I write this is to ask those of you praying Christians who read this to pray for me and to hold me accountable. Because I love this girl so much, I'm willing to pour it out to you all here and say please...pray for me. I will no longer tolerate fear in my life.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
July 4th
Today is our country's 233rd birthday. We're basically a baby in comparison with most other country's, and here we are both loved and hated. Sometimes I can see why we are hated. We've made some poor decisions. At times we've hurt other countries with our policy choices. We've alienated many groups in order to take our place in this world. However, despite all of our mistakes and failures, I'm convinced that our country is one of the greatest causes for good on Earth. We still send billions of dollars in aid to other countries, even as our own people struggle. We've fought to protect the lives of those who could not protect themselves. The American people, Democrat, Republican, or Independent, have been willing to sacrifice our own lives for the greater good. Where other countries have been unwilling to get their hands dirty, we've stepped up and taken the lead in a world that resents us for doing so. I'm proud to have risked my life for nine years in our military to serve this country. I'm proud to have served next to so many other heroic men and women who would not hesitate to lay their lives down in the name of freedom.
That being said our country has taken some dangerous steps in the past few years. We've taken steps towards socialism with our recent domestic policy changes, and morally we've moved away from the foundations that this country was built on: God. If we allow our country to continue down these pathes we risk losing all that our forefathers fought for. On this day, our country's birthday, lets celebrate our escaping from tyranny and remember that we still have something to fight for: our country's goodness.
That being said our country has taken some dangerous steps in the past few years. We've taken steps towards socialism with our recent domestic policy changes, and morally we've moved away from the foundations that this country was built on: God. If we allow our country to continue down these pathes we risk losing all that our forefathers fought for. On this day, our country's birthday, lets celebrate our escaping from tyranny and remember that we still have something to fight for: our country's goodness.
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