Day 1: A New Beginning

I left my house this morning both depressed and unsure of my future. I've been spending a lot of time wondering about God's plan for my life, and part of me felt hopeless. I'm a 35-year-old first year teacher who is working with the toughest kids you could imagine. They try me at every corner, and this morning, I wasn't sure if I could handle it.

I got in my car and just started praying. That's all I could really do. I confessed my need for him as I realized how independent I've been of late. I understand that although I may be able to function, I'm not able to give these students everything they need without the Lord's help. That's when I decided to make some changes in my morning routine. I will get my devotions in, and I will spend time blogging about what I learned. Today, I came to understand how much I really need the Lord. I'm lost without Jesus.

Keeping Perspective

I'm still struggling to understand my journey over the past six months. It's not that I should be surprised at how things have gone, but I am. This summer I was very open about my hopes and my frustrations, not because I wanted to rant, but because I wanted to be real with people. In the end, I hope that I was just that.

Since it's now August 24, I'm guessing that finding a job for this school year is out the window. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm ecstatic to go back to Harrison this year and help educate my beloved students in that district. It hurt to say goodbye to them at the end of the 2012/2013 school year, but it turns out that I didn't have to after all. I'll be back, and this time I'm coaching the offensive and defensive line for the 7th grade football team. Believe it or not, I'm actually more involved with Southwest Schools than I was last year. Yet, it still hurts us not to have a full-time job.

In the end, the problem really is financial. Jenn and I have been waiting on having kids until our finances stabilized. Well, we're getting older, and time is running out. We needed me to be teaching full-time - for full-time pay. That's probably not going to happen. It's going to be another year of us struggling with no guarantees that I'll find a job next year. As it turned out, only two of my friends from Xavier got a job for this school year, and they both teach math. It's a tough market.

Some people might ask me why I chose to go into such a tough field. After all, I brought this all on myself, right? The truth is I've known that I was supposed to teach for years. It's what I was made to do. I'm passionate about my students, I'm passionate about teaching social studies, and I'm passionate about making a difference in their lives. Everything that I've tried to do over the past 16 years has failed to move me off that path. I was born to teach, and instead of fighting it, I put it in God's hands and chose to embrace it.

I have to remember what the Bible says: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) Now, I have to live out my faith. He has plans for me. I must remember that; I must keep that perspective. There is always, always hope in the Lord.

Other notes:

A. Rams Talk is going well. It's growing daily. We should be able to become an LLC soon.
B. Since things are beginning to slow down, I've started writing more. I keep a chronicle of everything on my Facebook page, and I'll eventually update my website.
C. I started writing a book, finally. I have the unfinished one that's been sitting there for a couple years, but I just don't feel led to work on it right now. I don't know if I'll ever return to it; life has changed since I wrote it. However, the new book, tentatively titled, "Freedom Lost," has me pretty excited. I'm starting off slow, writing 500 words a day or so, but I'll eventually get it up to around 2,000.
D. Jenn and I are still trying to figure out the best way to eat and schedule our lives. We could use some prayers in this area. Gees, just pray for us in general. Thanks!

Not Giving Up

Call me naïve, but I never actually believed that I would still be unemployed by June 18. I figured that my ability to build relationships with students, my service in the military, and my passion for teaching would make up for the lack of experience in the classroom. I was wrong.

Some people warned me that it might be June or July before I was hired. Others said that most of the good hiring was done in April or May. I decided that the best thing I could do was work my butt off looking for jobs, and that’s what I’ve done. I believe that there aren’t many people who have worked harder than me to find a job. I’ve done everything I can...well almost.

The truth is that I’ve never truly put this in God’s hands. I’m not sure why exactly. It’s not because of a lack of faith or because I want to do it on my own. Instead, I believe it’s because I wanted some level of control in the process. Now I'm still unemployed after months of researching and applying for jobs. I’m discouraged, and I want to give up.

However, if I were to quit, I’d be doing the exact opposite of what I taught my beloved students at Harrison not to do. I taught them that dreams are realities left unpursued. I taught them to never give up. So with my heart humbled and my feelings hurt, I’m going to continue pursuing this dream. And this time, I’m putting it in God’s hands. I choose to believe that I’ll be teaching full-time this fall, but even if it doesn’t happen, I will continue to believe in God’s plan for my life. I will not give up hope.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)

For Granted

There’s something about music that seems to reach me in a way that nothing else can. I was driving to work this morning when K-Love played Jason Gray’s song “Good to be Alive.” The lyrics touched me in a way that I haven’t been touched in a long time.

Here are the verses that got to me:

I won’t take it for granted

I won’t waste another second

All I want is to give you

A life well lived, to say “thank you.”

I wanna live like there’s no tomorrow,

Love like I’m on borrowed time,

It’s good to be, it’s good to be alive.

I started thinking about my life, and I came to a sad realization: I’ve taken it for granted. What’s worse is that I’ve been doing it for a long time. I feel as though I’ve been living on the defensive ever since my ex-wife left me five years ago. It’s almost as if I’ve become nothing more than a survivor who is unwilling to truly feel or let people get close to me.

When I look at what I’ve been given, I should be grateful. The Lord gave me a wife who will never leave me. She loves me very much, and she will never give up on me. I’ve become a successful writer who now owns and operates a website covering my favorite team. I’ve been published on Yahoo! Sports, Apocalypse MMA and several other websites. Finally, I’ve finished the licensure process. I’m now a substitute teacher who has had the privilege of working with some wonderful students.

However, despite all of these personal and professional successes, I realize that I’m not really living life. There’s not a lot of joy in my heart; there’s not a lot of happiness. I simply live every day expecting it to be just as blah as the day before, and it’s all my fault.

The truth is I became so bent on trying to make up for past professional failures that I lost sight of what’s really important. God gave me a wonderful gift with Jenn, but I have continually pushed her away when I should have let her in. I’ve taken the greatest personal gift God could give me (outside of salvation), and I’ve built a wall between us. I didn’t want to risk feeling the same pain that I felt five years ago, so I went on the defensive, and I didn’t even realize it.

Moreover, I’ve built that same wall around my heart with God and the church. I believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, but for whatever reason, I’ve still kept a safe distance. I’ve put my heart into work instead of growing closer to my brothers and sisters at church. In short, I stopped feeling; I stopped living.

I only get one chance at this life. I love the Lord, and I want to please him. The time has come for me to stop living in fear of being hurt by others. The Bible tells us that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV). Fear is not of God.

I don’t want to waste any more time. I could die of a heart attack tomorrow, and I don’t want to leave this world without serving God as best I could. I don’t want to take His gifts for granted. No matter how we want to frame it, we are on borrowed time, and I should be living every day like it’s my last on this earth. That’s my prayer for today – to live like there’s no tomorrow.

My Proof that He is Real

Every once in a while, I see or hear something that speaks to me. It’s always something that reminds me that our creator exists. Tonight, when I listened to the version of “Hallelujah” sung by three young ladies from Alaska, I felt God. I saw the gifts that He gave them in how they sang such a beautiful song. You can listen to their version of the song here.

We live in a world where so many people are dead set against believing that God exists. There are people who will find every excuse imaginable to argue that there is no God. But when I see three girls sing a song like this, I see the Lord, in all of His majesty, all of His glory, and in all of His love. God gave me the gift of song and the ability to write. But He gave my wife an eye for art and a certain grace that I could never have. If God isn’t real, then how could the beings that were made in his image have such different gifts? No one is the same. That’s how I know that God is out there.


"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” 

Psalms 139:13-16 (NIV)

My Legacy

Last weekend, Jenn and I traveled up to Cleveland, Ohio, for our first marriage conference as a wedded couple. I have to be honest here: I didn’t want to go. It wasn’t because I didn’t value time with my wife or the information the conference had to offer. Instead, I was concerned about getting some school work and writing done in time for the end of the month.

I was also concerned that this conference would try to make me pour my heart out to a bunch of strangers. That certainly wasn’t at the top of my list for the weekend. However, the folks at FamilyLife designed this seminar as more of an informational session. They were there to help us open up lines of communication with our spouses. I appreciated that, and I quickly bought into the weekend.

The truth is that I’ve spent so much time pursuing my dreams that I allowed my priorities to get out of order. I wasn’t giving my wife the time she needs with me, and in truth, I missed her. This past weekend in Cleveland wasn’t a cure-all, but it woke me up to the needs of my family. It reminded me of how much Jenn loves me . . . and how much I love her.

I have to make changes in my life. I have a legacy to protect. My wife and I plan on starting our family soon, and I must be ready to lead this family. I must be prepared to raise my children to love the Lord. I must become the person that I want my kids to become.

It probably sounds a bit prideful for me to talk about my legacy. However, that’s not how I view it. I want my grandchildren and great-grandchildren to grow up serving the Lord. I want them to trace their family line and know that I set the example for them. I want my family tree to show men and women of God who boldly spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the world. I know it begins with me. I’m the one God assigned this role, and He gave me Jenn to help make this happen.

It begins with Jenn. It all begins with her . . . the love of my life. I understand that I must protect her, encourage her, and love her. I know that I must help her grow into the woman that God desires for her to be. Jenn is the greatest gift that the Lord could ever have given me (outside of my salvation), and I need to treat that gift with every ounce of love I can give her. When we have our children, they need to see how much we love and honor each other. They will learn from us how to treat their spouses . . . and how to love God.

It all comes down to what kind of house Jenn and I build. My legacy begins with a sacred declaration, a rule.

“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”  Joshua 24:15 (NIV)

My legacy – our legacy – is to be built on this rule: My house will serve the Lord.

The Guitar

Photo credit: T.J., Wikimedia Commons

I once had this beautiful guitar. I bought it from my brother-in-law when I was at Ohio State, but I decided to put aside learning how to play it until I finished school. Unfortunately, that never happened. Just two weeks before I graduated from college, my wife left me. A couple weeks later, I felt an impression upon my heart to return the guitar to her brother. I believed it was the Lord telling me what to do, so I fulfilled the request.

The only problem was that I didn't want to give it back. I had already lost my wife, so why should I have to lose the guitar too? I was in a lot of pain, and the guitar would have been the perfect outlet for that pain. It hurt me to give it up. I didn't understand why the Lord wanted me to return it to her brother (I still don't know), but it left me feeling even more empty than before.

A couple weeks later, I went home to visit my family for Christmas. I was completely miserable. It was my first Christmas in years without my wife, and I was as lonely as I could be. I spent hours a day tearing myself down while everyone else was trying to support me. Nothing my family tried to do would work. There was no joy...no happiness...no hope.

When Christmas morning came around, I watched the family open gifts without much interest. Then my mother handed me a large box. As I unwrapped the present, she told me how Joel 2:25-26 kept running through her mind as she contemplated buying the gift. In the verse, God says the following: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten--the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm--my great army that I sent among you." (NIV)

I found a brand new guitar inside the large box. I burst into tears as I embraced my mother. I couldn't believe that what I had lost just days earlier had now been returned to me. Joy filled my heart at the gift that I knew that God had provided for me. Even though I never fully learned how to play the instrument, I spent many nights sitting with it in my arms passing the time away. When I practiced on it, everything else moved into the background. In those moments, I remembered how much God loves me. He literally re-paid me what was taken from me, and God did it in a way that made me feel important to Him.

I now believe that the guitar was meant to symbolize something else. I think God was telling me that everything else that I had lost would be returned to me. It's been four years since that Christmas, and I can tell you that the Lord has more than restored what I have lost. He's given me something greater. I'm re-married to a woman who I know will never give up on me, even when my own insecurities get in the way. We have a home together that's ours alone. Finally, we have a home church that loves us.

As I sit here this morning, I realize that I'm a blessed man. Despite all of my imperfections, God has blessed me. I know that sometimes I'm too blind to see it, but that doesn't change what he's done for me. It started out as a guitar, but it's grown into something far more wonderful than I could ever imagine.

The Line of the King

I was studying Esther this morning and found an interesting verse that I hadn’t caught before. In chapter two, verse five, it says:

Now there was in the citadel of Susa a Jew of the tribe of Benjamin, named Mordecai son of Jair, the son of Shimei, the son of Kish. (NIV)

This verse caught my attention because the former king Saul was a Benjamite and the son of Kish. I did some looking around on Wikipedia and found that the Talmud, a translated text from Aramiac of the Hebrew Bible, lists Saul in Mordecai’s list. Now portions of the Talmud are noted to be embellished or apocryphal, so I’m not going to outright say that Mordecai is a direct descendant of Saul. I’ll let the scholars answer that for me, but at the very least Mordecai is a distant relation to Saul. I do believe that the Bible is purposeful of everything it has written in it and therefore I believe what the Talmud says and that Mordecai was a direct descendant of King Saul.

The interesting note to all of this is that most of Saul’s family was destroyed after his death. They were basically cursed, and yet here is a man, hundreds of years later, who is related to Saul and quite possibly in his line, that was used by God to save His people in a foreign land. How graceful is our God to not turn his back on Saul’s descendants forever, but to use them and bring them hope and a future? As a result, God brings about a measure of redemption for Saul’s line, maybe even for the sake of Jonathan. Who knows?

(Reference to Mordecai on Wikipedia.)

Confession

When I started this blog two-and-a-half years ago, I opened up about many of the things I went through before and during my first marriage. I took anyone who read this blog on a journey with me. I’ve made it a point to be honest about who I am, my struggles, and what I believe in. My goal has always been to use my struggles to help encourage others, yet it seems as though I haven’t done that as much of late. In fact, I haven’t really written anything all that personal in awhile. Some would surely say that’s a good thing, as maybe I got too personal in a public forum, while others might say I’ve strayed from my original goal. Either way, I’ve been quiet, and until recently I didn’t know why. I could blame all the other writing I’ve been doing, or my preparations for starting back at school in January, but none of those would be right. The reality of my situation is that I’ve been hiding internal issues because I didn’t want anyone to read my blog and think I’m a whiner. I didn’t want to appear weak, but in truth, deep down, isn’t that what we all are? So, as my first anniversary creeps ever closer, I have a lot to confess. As always, I hope something good comes from what I write.

Ever since I got out of the military in 2006, I’ve struggled with depression. At first, it was awful. I sat around the apartment for four months gaining weight, growing hair, and sitting in front my computer playing World of Warcraft for hours each day. I couldn’t find a job in Columbus, which demoralized what little self-confidence I had, and I eventually decided to go ahead and finish classes at Ohio State instead. Originally the plan was to go part-time, instead I felt forced to go full-time. I started dealing with all kinds of stomach issues and it only got worse in the fall of 2006 when my grandmother died. With all due respect to the rest of my family, she was the one person I believed had always supported and believed in me. So when she passed away, it crushed me. At this point, I’d pulled away from my wife and, without even realizing it, she’d also pulled away from me. I don’t think she ever really knew what was going on in me. I was just depressed, and it wasn’t one of those depressions where I’d lay in bed all day crying or anything stereotypical like that. It was more like a constant burden on my shoulders that held me in place, feeling sad and alone. In the eighteen months prior to my now-ex-wife leaving, there was little joy coming from me. Instead I put up a façade as much as I could to keep people from getting in.

So why do I give this background now? Well because I’ve realized that I didn’t just struggle with depression in separate bouts after the military and then after my divorce, but it’s been one long struggle. Even now, there are days where I’m happy and playing around with Jenn only to be lost in a depressed world just minutes later. It’s gone away some as I’ve been trying to take a more active approach to combating it - which for me is praying, doing all I can to communicate with Jenn, and writing - but it’s still there from time to time. It comes with no warning, or so I thought. I started realizing that a lot of my depression now comes when I’ve been thinking of my past mistakes, especially in my first marriage and when I make mistakes now with Jenn. To help compensate for those mistakes, I tend to not go after things I want, and instead give in when Jenn desires something opposite of what I want. I tend to think so poorly of myself that I see everyday things that Jenn does as her not wanting to spend time with me, etc. The truth is: I feel so horribly about myself, who I am, and what I’ve done that I feel unworthy to be content. At the root of it, I understand now, is unforgiveness.

What’s frustrating about this is that I’ve written about forgiveness before. I once wrote that I was forgiving myself and was moving on. But in the end, I didn’t. The truth is that I’ve forgiven everyone who has hurt me: my biological father who couldn’t handle fatherhood and left; the kid that abused me at age four; the ex-wife who left me, knowing that my greatest fear was abandonment; as well as many others who have hurt me. But I’ve been unable to forgive my own misdeeds. I still see my own mistakes in how I’ve treated people, and I shrink away. The worst part about it is that I know who keeps bringing this up in me, and despite all my prayers, I still deal with it every day. I’ve read scripture, talked to a few people, and confessed all of this to Jenn, and yet I’m bound and barely breathing. I just want to be able to let go of my own failures!

So why do I write about this now? Well, some of this is a repeat of past writings but I want to be real with people, as I always have. I want people to see that being a Christian doesn’t mean we don’t struggle. I struggle quite a bit actually. I also write because this is my form of counseling. I get my thoughts on paper and can examine them. Writing has become my release. Yet, there is one more reason I write this confession: I want to be free. I want my friends who care about me to know I need their prayers. I want to enter the second year of my marriage knowing that these gaping wounds on my heart are healing. I write this because I know that the best way to love God, my wife, and the kids that will come one day, is to finally drop this weight I carry. Confession is freedom.

A Bitter Heart

"Bitterness is the poison you drink, hoping that it will kill someone else."

One of my favorite people in the world gave me this quote a couple of years ago, and it’s stuck with me. I think we all struggle with bitterness, and if we aren’t careful it can change us. It can taint the person that we are or destroy the dreams that we pursue. In marriage, it can destroy all that is good about it. It causes us to stop looking at the positives in our spouse and to dwell upon the negatives. Bitterness causes us to stop wanting the best for our spouses, and in extreme cases, to wish harm upon them. It should be no surprise that bitterness often goes hand-in-hand with unforgiveness. If we can’t forgive someone for how they’ve hurt us, then we wind up resenting them. We grow selfish. And most importantly, perhaps, we lose perspective on how blessed we are to have that person in our life.

While doing some studying over the past week, a section of 2 Samuel has really impacted me. You can find the story in 2 Samuel 6. This is when King David had the ark of God (ark of the covenant) brought back to Jerusalem.* During the celebration, David humbled himself and wore only a linen ephod.** He danced nearly naked in front of his people and humbled himself before God, choosing to celebrate before the Lord instead of concerning himself with making the event one of pomp and circumstance. When Michal saw this, the Bible notes that Michal despised David in her heart. When he returned home, she greeted him by sarcastically poking at him for his lack of discretion by disrobing in public in front of slave girls (and the rest of his people). David responded by telling her he was dancing before the Lord and that he would become even more undignified to do so. He would humiliate himself in his own eyes for the Lord. David told her that those same slave girls would hold him in honor. She failed to see her husband’s heart and how that pleased God. Michal’s actions are a far cry from the Michal described in 1 Samuel.

In 1 Samuel 18:20, the Bible notes that Michal was in love with David, and in 1 Samuel 19:12-13, Michal saves David’s life as Saul tried to kill him. With David on the run, Saul gave Michal to another man, who fell in love with her. Later, when David became king of Judah, he requested the return of Michal as his wife, and her husband followed after her weeping. Through Saul’s actions, Michal had two marriages torn apart. She was passed around like a prize or trophy. Evidently she grew bitter, as even though she was returned to the man she first loved, she had to compete with David’s other wives for attention. It seems that even though her husband was described by God as being a man after God’s own heart, she was unable to look past his negatives and the circumstances that surrounded the downfall of Saul’s House. She grew bitter. In the end, she could not see her husband’s actions as glorifying God, even though the rest of Israel, including the slave girls, could see it. She lost perspective.

The Bible ends the story noting that Michal had no children until the day of her death, which is important. To be placed there at the end of the story, to me, means that God had a plan to bless her with children, but due to her heart being shrouded in bitterness against David and God, she was not given children. A child would have made sure the line of Saul continued, and possibly could have meant her child would have been chosen to be king after David. I’m not saying this would have happened, but in dying childless, it sends a great message: bitterness results in death. When she died, all of her died with her. She had no one to carry on for her and no legacy to leave behind to future generations. In the end, her bitterness towards David resulted in not his death, but hers. The same can happen to us. If we don’t learn to forgive and release our bitterness, it doesn’t kill those we are bitter towards, it kills the one who is bitter. It destroys everything they hold dear, including families, relationships, and their walks with God. My prayer for today is that if there is any bitterness in me from past struggles, that God would help me to let it go, and so are my prayers for you. I don’t want to leave a legacy of bitterness behind, do you?

* The ark of God was captured by the Philistines. The ark brought trouble to the Philistines and was eventually returned to the Israelites.

** An ephod was linen usually worn by priests with their robes. The ephod itself covered very little and if worn without other clothing would expose the wearer’s more private regions.

Is Christianity a Religion of Fear?

I was recently doing some research for my book, and as I was searching online for Author Bill Wiese, I came across an automatic search labeled, “Bill Wiese Fraud.” Curious, I clicked on the link, and came to "the Great Realization" blog. This blog is for the American Atheist movement, and is written by MagiKent. In the article above, MagiKent blasts Wiese as a fraud, calling his vision of 23 minutes in hell nothing more than a nightmare. MagiKent notes that Wiese uses his story as a way to get people to become Christians through fear.

MagiKent states:

Christianity’s motivation for morality is fear. There is no better example than Bill Wiese. Christians want to be good because they fear that if they don’t they will be put into a burning place to work for eternity. They define what ‘hell’ would be like in Earthly terms – fire, etc. Yet to describe what ‘heaven’ would be like is supposedly beyond what we can comprehend. What a load of garbage. Your religion is based on fear. That’s weak.

I wonder if MagiKent even bothered to read Mr. Wiese’s book or his follow-up “Hell.” Bill Wiese’s reason for writing the book was not to scare people into becoming Christians. He wrote it to remind us of the consequences of our sin, but also that the price was already paid. Mr. Wiese’s testimony gave authenticity to the Cross and the fact that there really is a spiritual world, both good and evil. Both books by Mr. Wiese use a tremendous amount of scriptural support and he expounds on that in his second book. If Mr. Wiese was a fraud, he wouldn’t have been able to use scripture to back up all the points he made, but yet he did. Many non-Christians like to define Christians as gullible, believing that they have been deceived. MagiKent instantly disregards Wiese as a fraud and assumes he had nothing more than a nightmare. However, what if MagiKent has been deceived? What if God really allowed Wiese to have this view of hell in order to be a witness to others?

What MagiKent does not understand is that my motivation for morality is not fear. I certainly fear and respect the Lord and His holiness, but I’m not a Christian because I fear hell. I am a Christian because I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me and that the God of the universe loves me and knows me by name. I am a Christian not for religion, but for relationship, and even in moments where I struggle with the Lord, I know that He loves me. To be close to Christ is life-changing. It alters all reality. There is nothing weak about that. Any Christian worth their salt is not motivated to live a moral life by fear of hell, but by a desire to love their wonderful and holy God. True Christianity is not a religion of fear, but of love.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, and whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.”
John 3:16

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
Romans 6:23

Relationship

Ever since I started studying for the GRE (or shall I say fretting over the GRE?), I’ve struggled to find time with God. I used to listen to music on the way to work and pray, but of late, I’ve gotten away from it as the music has gotten stale and my mind has wandered. When I went to work, I studied for the GRE instead of studying God’s word. When I’d go home, I’d study some more for the test. However, when I got to work on Tuesday morning, I felt something missing within me. I missed my time with God. Just like He longs for relationship with us, as we grow, we long for relationship with Him. Even now, just a couple days later, I feel the heart ache from that morning. I was grieving the loss of relationship with my creator and it broke my heart. Oh how I love my God, and oh how He loves me.

Confession

"That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,'and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved."

Romans 10:9-10 (NIV)

It's sometimes troubling that when asked about the Christian faith people struggle to believe that all they need to do confess that Christ is Lord and that He died on the cross for their sins. However, it's written in God's word numerous time that all we need to do is confess and believe in Christ. It's that simple. So what's the problem? I just think that we can not wrap our minds around something this simple. Sometimes we just can not get ourselves to believe.

In other news and thoughts:
A. Jenn and I are still on vacation. Last weekend we backpacked in the Smoky Mountains and we spent this week with her friend in South Carolina. It's been fun getting to know them a little. Tomorrow we are heading north to Shenandoah National Park for a day of hiking and camping, and then we are heading into Virginia and Maryland to meet up with some old military friends. We'll do some touring in Washington and catch a Nationals game.

B. We caught an Atlanta Braves game this week with an old friend of mine. It was the first time I'd seen her in 15 years. It was great for her to meet Jenn. The game was a blast. There is blog forthcoming on that one.

C. I've been struggling a bit with people taking my words out of context or simply just twisting them. It's frustrating when I'm trying to do the right thing to have my words turned around. Very frustrating.

Worship

I was four years old the first time I can remember hearing a praise and worship song. Our family was living in Newport, Rhode Island at the time. It was a sunny day and my mother sitting on a chair in the dining room with her guitar settled in her lap and her song book on the table in front of her. She was playing “This is the Day” on her old Yamaha acoustic and singing like an angel while I played on the floor with some toy cars. Except I really wasn’t playing. I was listening. Listening to my mother sing love songs to her God calmed my heart when life was so hard for us. It made it easier for me to accept her God as my God just a few years later when our days were even darker.

What I remember most about those days listening to my mother praise God is that joy filled the room. She enjoyed worshiping God. It saddens me now to know she has not picked up her guitar in over twenty years, but those memories stick with me. I grew up loving music and I always loved taking part in worship at church whether in the choir, or singing special music. Worshiping God was always joyful, even in moments where the songs we sang were deeper, more emotional songs. So I guess the question I have for everyone is: What does worshiping God mean to you?

There Is a Need

Today is one of those days where you stop and realize you have no idea what to do about a situation. I guess that is a time when you have to just bend your knees, and pray for a miracle. If you are a praying person, that’s what I’m asking for. Someone I’m close to is hurting loved ones by their every action. This person is so broken that he/she is paralyzed into inaction. The scary thing about it is that it’s been this way for nearly 10-15 years. Every day it gets worse. Words and encouragement do nothing to help. It seems even that prayer is not working. However, that is not what God’s Word says. God’s word says He hears every prayer and that He holds our tears in his hands. I’m asking those of you that pray to pray for this loved one. Those of us close to him/her are tired and frustrated. We’re at the end of our ropes and it seems there is no hope. However, hope is in the blood of the Lamb and we can’t give up. Please, I beg you, pray for this person. I believe that these prayers will make the greatest difference. I love this person so much and I’m so tired of seeing him/her struggle. I’m tired of seeing those that love this person struggle. It’s time for a change. It’s time for the touch of God.

Please don’t message me and ask who it is. I will honor the wishes of our loved ones and not say who. All I can say is please pray…I honestly believe a miracle can be had. Thanks…

Diamond in the Rough

It's amazing: nearly three months ago, Jenn and I were married. Hey, we even have the pictures to prove it! I can also tell you that marriage has not proven to be easy. To be honest, it's been hard at times. I've come to a point where I'm at a crossroads in my life. I remember the man I used to be, and a few certain people still find ways to question whether I've changed or grown at all. I find myself wondering if I'll ever become the man I want to be. Will I ever be the strong, loving husband Jenn needs me to be? Will I be an attentive father for the children I one day hope to have?

I remember a few months ago writing a very public prayer about my dreams, and it wasn't long after that that Jenn walked into my life. God answered my prayers, and yet here I am, months later, knowing that there is more yet to be done. So I guess I have another prayer to pray. My prayer is that God continue to repair old wounds that seem to heal ever so slowly. My prayer is that God show me how to love and communicate with my wife in such a way that she'll never forget why she married me. My prayer is that God take this union and make it strong, with no holes or weaknesses. I love my wife, and I love my God. And because I love them both, my prayer is just to become a better man. I'm flawed, eternally flawed, but yet I know there is more to me. I know, to quote the movie "Aladdin," that I am a diamond in the rough.

My goals for this year are prioritized:
A. To become a better follower of Christ;
B. To become a better husband, and to strengthen our marriage; and
C. To become a better son, brother, and uncle.

It's not just about being a better me (to quote the cliché), but it's about recognizing and learning from my mistakes, and growing as a result of them. I no longer want to be a diamond in the rough; I just want to be a diamond! Lord, please polish me and make me your diamond. That's the route I choose... I choose the future and not my past.

To Love Someone

It was not very long ago when I blogged about my dreams and then gave them to God. It was a heartfelt prayer that brought tears to my eyes as I wrote it. Who would have thought that giving something away that I held so dearly would result in meeting Jenn in just a few short weeks?

A couple months later, I started mentioning how some of my fears and insecurities were coming out. In June I wrote that I felt free of these concerns, but little did I know that I really was not free at all. The past few months were rough as I struggled to give all these fears to God over and over again. However, Jenn stuck with me. She’s proven to me that unconditional love exists. She keeps proving it every time I act like a child or when I am silent and do not want to talk.

This is what has become different for me. While I’ve never been afraid to love someone unconditionally, it’s been so surprising and even hard to accept that someone would love me in the same way, if not greater. I’m used to someone saying the words but being unable to take action. This is not a judgment against those I’ve dated or anything, it’s just in Jenn’s case I can truly see and feel her love being unconditional. She keeps pressing in on my heart. Where others have tried and failed or just plain never tried, Jenn succeeds in loving me and as she loves me, I am able to one-by-one hand my fears and insecurities to God.

As for loving Jenn, well it’s been amazing and an answer to the prayer I wrote out late one March night. I asked for a second chance to love someone, and I was blessed with a second chance soon after. How does that happen? I’ve done the best I can to run with it. I hope Jenn can agree that I’ve given myself into loving her. I study profusely what it is to be a husband and I seek God’s face on how to be a better man. There is such a long way to go, but to be in love, to live again, to hope again, it’s such an awesome feeling. I’m so thankful for a God that answers prayers and gives us the desires of our heart

Fear

Since I started writing this blog it's been such a journey. I remember the many days I cried, and I remember all the hours I sat and asked God to end everything. I did not want to live this life. It was not a blessing, but instead a curse. Despite feeling cursed, I made the decision to move forward. I fought to save my former marriage. I ran towards God. I sought opportunities to serve, and I became vocal about what we as men needed to do to grow relationships. There was joy there because of my running towards God, but healing seemed to evade me. I never felt like God was there regardless of any effort that I made to draw closer to Him, and yet I still kept witnessing about Him. I chose to act in faith instead. I lived in fear of the future, of the unknown, and whether or not I could ever trust another woman in my life.

This fear has been a driving force in how I've dealt with people. I let friends get close. However, if you were a woman, you'd get close, then I'd freak out. Seriously, I'd freak out. Then came Jenn. There was something different about her. Something sure....something honest. She struck the right chords in me. She made me uncomfortable with how I was. She drew me in...and I pursued. Over time, I believe God has used her to break down walls in me that I didn't even know existed, and when I try and build new ones, Jenn will have none of it. She is relentless. Why do I love her? Among other reasons, its because she does not hide...THERE IS NO FEAR with her when it comes to me. She refuses to let me hide and as the future spiritual leader of our family, I must not hide.

Here's the thing... I feel like I'm at the apex of my journey. As Jenn and I move closer to our wedding date, all of my fears are coming out. All of the insecurities that I've been blogging about recently seem to running at me full speed. Before they were paralyzing me and kept me backing away from women especially, and now as I've finally been able to see the girl God has for me, these fears continue to be an obstacle.

So what is this fear? It's the fear of not being good enough. It's a fear of loss and abandonment. I've been left by people throughout my life and I'm to the point now where I sometimes don't feel like I'm good enough to love. I understand that's a lie from Satan and that God made us to love, and to be loved. Jenn has not given me any reason to believe that she would abandon me, and I have to have faith that the God who loves me is giving me a woman just as committed to righteousness as I am.

Okay, so what is the point of my ramble? I guess at the core of it, I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fearing what might be. I need to man up and face this once and for all. I need to be the man that Jenn can depend on to be a fearless man of God, who prays night and day for His family and takes the role of spiritual leader in our home. I've had enough! I believe 2 Timothy 1:7 says it best:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (NKJV)

This fear is not from God and it's time I had that sound mind. I need to be the other centered husband to Jenn. I understand that we all deal with insecurities, but this has to go. I need to be the Ephesians 5 husband. I need to die to myself to be a part of something greater. I also know that this is not something I can do on my own. The entire reason I write this is to ask those of you praying Christians who read this to pray for me and to hold me accountable. Because I love this girl so much, I'm willing to pour it out to you all here and say please...pray for me. I will no longer tolerate fear in my life.

Songwriter

When I was a teenager I used to spend a lot of time writing lyrics. In fact, I used to have binders full of them. I’d work on putting music to them and I’d often sit alone trying to sing them through. I didn’t tell many people I’d written these lyrics. Only a couple people really. In fact, if you were my friend and remember me showing you my binders of lyrics, raise your hand because I don’t remember. I’m pretty sure I showed a couple friends from church, but for the most part, they were a hidden part of me. However, there was one song that I wrote right before I went to boot camp that was pretty special, and I showed it to my grandmother. She loved it and took a copy of it and taped it up on her study door. She never took it down, and as far as I know, it was one of her most treasured memories about me.

A couple years ago when my grandmother passed away, my aunt gave me a box of memorabilia that Grandma kept of mine. The song that I’d given her was on the top of the box. I read it through and wished that I could write like that again. I knew it was a pipe dream, so I put the box away and moved on, missing that part of who I was. I used to sing, and I used to write. Now, I could do neither.

As I began walking towards God again, I began to really see my passion for music returning. I asked God to give me back my voice, and I’ve started to sing again. I’m not sure how good I am anymore, but I did sing at that wedding in May and I think I sounded okay, even though I was a nervous wreck. Something else also happened: I started to write again. It came out of nowhere; I just started writing. I’d be sitting at my desk at work and the words would just come. Then last week, I was over at Jenn’s place, and we had just enjoyed lunch together. As she went back to work, I grabbed a pen and paper and started writing. Twenty minutes later, Jenn heard me singing the song I’d just written and walked out of her office, looking at me funny. What’s going on with me? A few days later, I was trying to remember how the tune went for that song, and I finally got it and sang it for her. Suddenly, she just got up and walked out of the room. As she was walking out I asked her what she was doing. She called back that she was looking for a way to record the song so I wouldn’t forget it again, and so that she could figure out the chords for it. What? This thing is decent enough to record? Apparently! Now my mind is constantly moving… there’s music in my mind and words flowing out of it. Where’d this come from?

(Incidentally, Jenn has long desired to write songs for God, though she’s never been able to. Now, she’s ecstatic that perhaps He’s finally answering her prayer by giving me to be her partner in such projects. Pretty cool, eh? Yeah, we’ll make a good team. But she still hasn’t bought into my plan to form a band together. Ah, well, give her time!)

Closeminded

One of the main accusations I’ve heard people say about Christians is that they are close-minded and/or narrow-minded. That one has always puzzled me a bit. I can understand that maybe if a Christian was unjustly judging someone, and yes that happens a lot in today’s church; however that’s not always the case. It bothers me that Christians tend to be painted as the villain of a story by standing up for what the Word of God tells them to do. I’d like to share a story with you…something that ingrained itself in my mind. When I was a senior at Ohio State in late 2007, I was walking from my car to the bus stop to get to class. I noticed some Gideons standing out in the rain handing out bibles to students as they walked by. The Gideons said very little if anything at all. They were just handing out Bibles. I found it touching that these men were braving the chilly rainy day to show these students love. When I got on the bus I sat in front of a girl who was on the phone with a friend cursing up a storm. She was complaining about these Gideon’s shoving God down her throat on campus and how they had no business being there. She continued her verbal barrage on Christianity all the way to class, constantly noting things about Christians that weren’t true. So the question I’m posing here is this: Who is really being narrow-minded? Who is really judging?

I saw a story recently about a group of Christians that were going to a district in San Francisco every week to pray for the people living there. One week, while there praying for the people in that district, a local man saw them and started yelling at them and asking why they were there. The group responded that they love the people there and are just praying for them. The man went after them verbally some more before leaving and bringing back friends. Eventually a mob formed around them and began to verbally assault the Christians praying there. It soon became physical and they began to do things like pour coffee on them, punch them, and kick them. All the while they spewed all kinds of verbal judgments on the Christians. Eventually the police, in riot gear, got involved. The police told the Christians there that they needed to leave but they initially refused before the mob grew even more intense. The police eventually forced the Christians to leave. A video on You Tube picked it up with the police escorting them out of the district and the mob hurling things at them, and screaming obscenities at them. In the video you hear one person commenting something along the lines of “You hate us, so we hate you. You’re not welcome here. Don’t come back!” These words were spoken to people who were there for one purpose and that was to share God’s love with them.

So let me ask you: who was really sitting in the judgment seat in these examples? Who was really being close-minded? It seems that as we grow closer to the end times and as our country grows further from God, the tide is turning. Christians are now the ones being judged more then before. That does not mean Christians don’t judge because we do…for all have sinned and fallen short, but its time for Christians to realize that we don’t get the benefit of the doubt any more. We aren’t seen with prestige but with mud on our faces. Its not just Christians who can be close minded, but the very same people who claim to be open minded as well.