Testimony – Hitting Rock Bottom

I was touched this morning to find someone on Facebook confessing that he’s struggling with his faith after losing two of his siblings. He couldn’t help but wonder about God’s plan when he’s been dealing with such pain.

His comments brought me back to a day more than five years ago when I hit rock bottom. It was the day that I decided to take my own life. I was going through a painful divorce at the time, and nothing seemed to be going my way. Earlier in the day, my now ex-wife had brought her family over to our apartment to help move her out. I sat there while the entire group laughed and generally had a good old time as they tore the place apart. Finally, she went with me over to the lease office, dropped off her keys, and told me to “have a good life.”

I was crushed. This was the woman that I believed I was supposed to live the rest of my life with. Yet every effort I made to talk with her failed. She wouldn’t give us a chance, even though she knew that it could be fixed.

I went back to work after she left, which turned out to be a huge mistake. I failed to sell anything that night, and as I returned to the office, memories of all the good and bad times with my ex-wife swam through my head. I looked upon every memory and cried out in pain. Tears flooded my eyes and raced down my cheeks as I drove back to work to drop my materials off for the night. At that point, I decided that I’d had enough; I no longer wanted to live.

I called two of my friends and thanked them for being there over the past couple of months. Then I called my mother and told her that I loved her. I hoped that I had made her proud over the years. She tried to talk with me, but I hung up the phone and turned it off.

There was now no one on earth available to talk me out of what I planned to do. And trust me, I had a plan. I decided to ram my car head-on into the wall at the I-270/I-70 interchange driving as fast as I could. If I was going to go, I was going to go hard and fast. Yet something stopped me as I drove closer to the exit. Some people might say that I probably didn’t really want to die, but it’s deeper than that. Someone was in the car with me that night. Someone who loved me - someone who whispered that everything would be okay. I listened to the words that emanated in my heart and mind, and I kept driving past the intersection.

Eventually, I called my loved ones and let them know I was okay. I then drove about an hour south and stayed in some seedy motel overnight. The next morning, I got in my car and went home. As I drove, I thanked the Lord for saving me, and I asked him to help me find a way through the trial I was dealing with.

God worked in my life over the next several months through my church, friends and family. 

I made mistakes, but I eventually emerged as much more than a survivor. I became an overcomer thanks to the love and faithfulness of Jesus Christ. I admit that I’m still healing from many of the wounds that were inflicted, but I’m also starting to feel joy and happiness again. I’m finally able to give more and more of myself to my wife, Jenn, who I’m so blessed to have in my life. I met her a little over a year later, and she has walked with me through many of the days when I’ve struggled with my failures.

Finally, when it comes to God’s plan, it’s important to know that He never gives up. I dreamt of being a teacher and a sportswriter as a teenager, and that’s exactly what I do today. I may have given up on those dreams at times, but the Lord never did. He stuck with me; he opened doors. God has continually given me favor, whether it be in the classroom or with my writing. I’ve even been blessed with the right students, many of whom I keep in touch with now. I love them like they are my very own kids, and I will always be proud of them. They are representative of how blessed I am in this life, and to think, I nearly threw it away.

1 Samuel 2:8 says this: "He raises up the poor from the dust, he lifts the needy from the ash heap to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor. For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's, and on them he has set the world."

When you’re struggling, and your heart is breaking, remember that the pillars of the earth are the Lord’s. He is in control. You might not understand why He is allowing you to go through something, but just understand that He loves you. He has your best interests at heart. In the end, you’ll be just fine.

Romans 8:28 notes this: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

In the end, God will always make it right; He will always work your situation for good.

Not Giving Up

Call me naïve, but I never actually believed that I would still be unemployed by June 18. I figured that my ability to build relationships with students, my service in the military, and my passion for teaching would make up for the lack of experience in the classroom. I was wrong.

Some people warned me that it might be June or July before I was hired. Others said that most of the good hiring was done in April or May. I decided that the best thing I could do was work my butt off looking for jobs, and that’s what I’ve done. I believe that there aren’t many people who have worked harder than me to find a job. I’ve done everything I can...well almost.

The truth is that I’ve never truly put this in God’s hands. I’m not sure why exactly. It’s not because of a lack of faith or because I want to do it on my own. Instead, I believe it’s because I wanted some level of control in the process. Now I'm still unemployed after months of researching and applying for jobs. I’m discouraged, and I want to give up.

However, if I were to quit, I’d be doing the exact opposite of what I taught my beloved students at Harrison not to do. I taught them that dreams are realities left unpursued. I taught them to never give up. So with my heart humbled and my feelings hurt, I’m going to continue pursuing this dream. And this time, I’m putting it in God’s hands. I choose to believe that I’ll be teaching full-time this fall, but even if it doesn’t happen, I will continue to believe in God’s plan for my life. I will not give up hope.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)

My Proof that He is Real

Every once in a while, I see or hear something that speaks to me. It’s always something that reminds me that our creator exists. Tonight, when I listened to the version of “Hallelujah” sung by three young ladies from Alaska, I felt God. I saw the gifts that He gave them in how they sang such a beautiful song. You can listen to their version of the song here.

We live in a world where so many people are dead set against believing that God exists. There are people who will find every excuse imaginable to argue that there is no God. But when I see three girls sing a song like this, I see the Lord, in all of His majesty, all of His glory, and in all of His love. God gave me the gift of song and the ability to write. But He gave my wife an eye for art and a certain grace that I could never have. If God isn’t real, then how could the beings that were made in his image have such different gifts? No one is the same. That’s how I know that God is out there.


"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” 

Psalms 139:13-16 (NIV)

What does it mean to be a Christian?

If you're a Christian, you have one responsibility above all others: Love God. How do we love God? Love His people. Jesus Christ loved people (believers or not) so much that he gave up his life for all of humanity. If being a Christian means that I spend my days shouting at people in judgment instead of loving them, then I want no part in it. Thankfully, that's not what Christianity is, but what some people make it out to be.

With this in mind, I've decided to write about a book about what it means to be a Christian. It's been on my heart for awhile, and I think it's the right thing to do. By writing this book, I hope to reach people not because I think I'm special or better than anyone else, but because I'm just as flawed as everyone else.