Saying Goodbye

It's been a long road. Tomorrow is my last day as a student teacher at William Henry Harrison High School. It's been one of the most rewarding experiences that I've ever had. I fell in love with this school district. More specifically, I fell in love with the students. They are such great kids, and it's been a privilege to work with them. I hope that I can somehow, someway keep it together tomorrow.

My Proof that He is Real

Every once in a while, I see or hear something that speaks to me. It’s always something that reminds me that our creator exists. Tonight, when I listened to the version of “Hallelujah” sung by three young ladies from Alaska, I felt God. I saw the gifts that He gave them in how they sang such a beautiful song. You can listen to their version of the song here.

We live in a world where so many people are dead set against believing that God exists. There are people who will find every excuse imaginable to argue that there is no God. But when I see three girls sing a song like this, I see the Lord, in all of His majesty, all of His glory, and in all of His love. God gave me the gift of song and the ability to write. But He gave my wife an eye for art and a certain grace that I could never have. If God isn’t real, then how could the beings that were made in his image have such different gifts? No one is the same. That’s how I know that God is out there.


"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven together in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” 

Psalms 139:13-16 (NIV)

My Legacy

Last weekend, Jenn and I traveled up to Cleveland, Ohio, for our first marriage conference as a wedded couple. I have to be honest here: I didn’t want to go. It wasn’t because I didn’t value time with my wife or the information the conference had to offer. Instead, I was concerned about getting some school work and writing done in time for the end of the month.

I was also concerned that this conference would try to make me pour my heart out to a bunch of strangers. That certainly wasn’t at the top of my list for the weekend. However, the folks at FamilyLife designed this seminar as more of an informational session. They were there to help us open up lines of communication with our spouses. I appreciated that, and I quickly bought into the weekend.

The truth is that I’ve spent so much time pursuing my dreams that I allowed my priorities to get out of order. I wasn’t giving my wife the time she needs with me, and in truth, I missed her. This past weekend in Cleveland wasn’t a cure-all, but it woke me up to the needs of my family. It reminded me of how much Jenn loves me . . . and how much I love her.

I have to make changes in my life. I have a legacy to protect. My wife and I plan on starting our family soon, and I must be ready to lead this family. I must be prepared to raise my children to love the Lord. I must become the person that I want my kids to become.

It probably sounds a bit prideful for me to talk about my legacy. However, that’s not how I view it. I want my grandchildren and great-grandchildren to grow up serving the Lord. I want them to trace their family line and know that I set the example for them. I want my family tree to show men and women of God who boldly spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ throughout the world. I know it begins with me. I’m the one God assigned this role, and He gave me Jenn to help make this happen.

It begins with Jenn. It all begins with her . . . the love of my life. I understand that I must protect her, encourage her, and love her. I know that I must help her grow into the woman that God desires for her to be. Jenn is the greatest gift that the Lord could ever have given me (outside of my salvation), and I need to treat that gift with every ounce of love I can give her. When we have our children, they need to see how much we love and honor each other. They will learn from us how to treat their spouses . . . and how to love God.

It all comes down to what kind of house Jenn and I build. My legacy begins with a sacred declaration, a rule.

“But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served beyond the Euphrates, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.”  Joshua 24:15 (NIV)

My legacy – our legacy – is to be built on this rule: My house will serve the Lord.

The Guitar

Photo credit: T.J., Wikimedia Commons

I once had this beautiful guitar. I bought it from my brother-in-law when I was at Ohio State, but I decided to put aside learning how to play it until I finished school. Unfortunately, that never happened. Just two weeks before I graduated from college, my wife left me. A couple weeks later, I felt an impression upon my heart to return the guitar to her brother. I believed it was the Lord telling me what to do, so I fulfilled the request.

The only problem was that I didn't want to give it back. I had already lost my wife, so why should I have to lose the guitar too? I was in a lot of pain, and the guitar would have been the perfect outlet for that pain. It hurt me to give it up. I didn't understand why the Lord wanted me to return it to her brother (I still don't know), but it left me feeling even more empty than before.

A couple weeks later, I went home to visit my family for Christmas. I was completely miserable. It was my first Christmas in years without my wife, and I was as lonely as I could be. I spent hours a day tearing myself down while everyone else was trying to support me. Nothing my family tried to do would work. There was no joy...no happiness...no hope.

When Christmas morning came around, I watched the family open gifts without much interest. Then my mother handed me a large box. As I unwrapped the present, she told me how Joel 2:25-26 kept running through her mind as she contemplated buying the gift. In the verse, God says the following: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten--the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm--my great army that I sent among you." (NIV)

I found a brand new guitar inside the large box. I burst into tears as I embraced my mother. I couldn't believe that what I had lost just days earlier had now been returned to me. Joy filled my heart at the gift that I knew that God had provided for me. Even though I never fully learned how to play the instrument, I spent many nights sitting with it in my arms passing the time away. When I practiced on it, everything else moved into the background. In those moments, I remembered how much God loves me. He literally re-paid me what was taken from me, and God did it in a way that made me feel important to Him.

I now believe that the guitar was meant to symbolize something else. I think God was telling me that everything else that I had lost would be returned to me. It's been four years since that Christmas, and I can tell you that the Lord has more than restored what I have lost. He's given me something greater. I'm re-married to a woman who I know will never give up on me, even when my own insecurities get in the way. We have a home together that's ours alone. Finally, we have a home church that loves us.

As I sit here this morning, I realize that I'm a blessed man. Despite all of my imperfections, God has blessed me. I know that sometimes I'm too blind to see it, but that doesn't change what he's done for me. It started out as a guitar, but it's grown into something far more wonderful than I could ever imagine.

What does it mean to be a Christian?

If you're a Christian, you have one responsibility above all others: Love God. How do we love God? Love His people. Jesus Christ loved people (believers or not) so much that he gave up his life for all of humanity. If being a Christian means that I spend my days shouting at people in judgment instead of loving them, then I want no part in it. Thankfully, that's not what Christianity is, but what some people make it out to be.

With this in mind, I've decided to write about a book about what it means to be a Christian. It's been on my heart for awhile, and I think it's the right thing to do. By writing this book, I hope to reach people not because I think I'm special or better than anyone else, but because I'm just as flawed as everyone else.

What is my purpose?

The biggest question I've been struggling to answer in the past four years is "Who am I and what is my purpose?" I've fallen back on the passions that have been in my heart since childhood to help me stand, but now I wonder if there isn't more for me to do. I love to write, and I'm hungry to get in the classroom and help mold young people, but I'm still restless. I hear my Master's call, but I can't quiet my mind enough to figure out what He's saying. Well, that's not entirely true.

Almost a year ago, I stopped writing the book I was working on. I was actually close to finishing it. Well, I was almost done with the first draft anyways. I put it down because I was scared of it. I also allowed sports writing and school work get in the way. Yet, it lingers in the back of head. It calls out for me to finish it. Moreover, it calls out for to seek God's face, which I need to do more of. I need to be more open about my walk with Christ. Most of my writer friends probably have no clue that I'm a Christian.

I guess in all of this confusion in my head, there is so much I don't understand. If there are all of these different passions in my heart, what is my true purpose? What am I designed to do? What am I supposed to do? I'm about to turn 33, and I feel like I'm starting over brand-new.

While I wait for these answers my prayer is that God will make me into a man after his own heart. Father, please do this work in me. Make me into a loving, caring, patient husband. Purify my heart, and make me new every day. Through you alone can I find my way.

Amen

Five Months Later…

It’s been five months since I’ve written here. It’s not because I didn’t want to write, or because I found better things to do. I simply found more things to do. Here is a look at the past 180 days in the life of Derek Ciapala.

A.    I finished my first semester at Xavier in May. All three of the classes were for my language arts licensure, and they all were my biggest challenges thus far in graduate school. I’ve always been an avid reader, but I’ve never spent as time with my nose in a book as I did last spring.

B.     I started freelance writing last February. Since then, I’ve become a featured contributor for the Yahoo Contributor Network for sports. I specialize in international Soccer and mixed martial arts, but I also write NCAA and NFL football, MLB, NHL, MLS, and fantasy football. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to write about what I love, and I’m very grateful for it.

C.     Summer classes were easier, but still time consuming. Jenn and I have been struggling to find time together ever since. Writing didn’t become a problem until I was forced to start writing more…and why did I need to start writing more? That leads me to…

D.    In June, JPMorgan informed our office that the transfer agency has sub-contracted out to U.S. Bank, and that we were all losing our jobs in November. They later pushed it back to December. December 31 will be my last as a JPMorgan employee. Jenn and I see this as an opportunity for me to finally reset after what’s been a rough few years. I’m going to finish school and keep writing to help support us. However, I’m concerned that I’ll need to find more work.

E.    Throughout all of these changes, I’ve struggled to really keep my walk with the Lord. There are so many distractions that seem to demand not just my attention, but Jenn’s attention. We definitely need some prayer backup.

Overall, our faith is being stretched and molded each day. Thanks for reading. I’ll check in more often.