Day 1: A New Beginning

I left my house this morning both depressed and unsure of my future. I've been spending a lot of time wondering about God's plan for my life, and part of me felt hopeless. I'm a 35-year-old first year teacher who is working with the toughest kids you could imagine. They try me at every corner, and this morning, I wasn't sure if I could handle it.

I got in my car and just started praying. That's all I could really do. I confessed my need for him as I realized how independent I've been of late. I understand that although I may be able to function, I'm not able to give these students everything they need without the Lord's help. That's when I decided to make some changes in my morning routine. I will get my devotions in, and I will spend time blogging about what I learned. Today, I came to understand how much I really need the Lord. I'm lost without Jesus.

The 2013 Harrison Wildcats: Football and Family

There is a reason why I love the game of football more than any other sport on the planet. Is there any other sport where rosters of 50 to 100 people can come together for one goal? Is there any other game where 11 people must play together as one cohesive unit like football? Is there any other sport that brings people together as a family like the game of football?

That’s what I saw this year with the Harrison High School team. No one really knew what would happen with this squad in 2013. The Wildcats finished 4-6 last season, and they entered this year with some of the same flaws that plagued the 2012 team. When one of the kids told me that the Wildcats would finish around 7-3 during training camp, I didn’t buy it. The Wildcats had talent, but there were issues that I didn’t think they could solve. I was wrong.

Head coach Kent McCullough and his staff did an outstanding job coaching these kids up and fixing the team’s weaknesses. However, if there is one intangible about this team that made the difference, it’s how the Wildcats came together as a family. This group of young men came to love each other like brothers. There is almost nothing that they wouldn’t do for one another. The 2013 Wildcats were more than just a football team. They were a family that formed a bond that nothing could break.

That isn’t to say that the 2012 team wasn’t a family because they were. There was just something different about this team. The 2013 Wildcats were there for each other in a way that reminded me of everything I love about this game. When the Wildcats lost their first-round playoff game to Northwest, the kids weren’t upset about not playing another Friday. They accepted their loss with class and dignity. Instead, they were upset because they would never take the field with their senior brothers again. Their time together on the field is over, and that knowledge wounded them more than words can express.

The sport of football is often criticized for its violence, and now we’re reading stories about bullying and other issues. However, it was a privilege to witness football at its greatest this season at Harrison. The Wildcats played to win with passion and a love for the game that is rare. They laid it all on the line for each other, and in doing so, they can hold their heads high and be proud of what they accomplished together this season. They became a family, and in the end, that’s what football is about.

Birthday Introspection - Have I Done Enough?

There are some days when I question if anything that I’ve done has mattered. It usually happens right around my birthday, which I guess makes sense. I turn 35 years old tomorrow, and I’m feeling every bit of that age. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not feeling old. It’s not like that at all. Instead, I’m looking back over my life and wondering if I’ve accomplished anything. Have I changed people’s lives? Have I made the world a better place? Have I really allowed God to use me during my short time on this earth?

I’d like to say that I have made a difference. I’d like to believe that I’ve done everything I could to serve my God, family, church and students, but I don’t think I have. I cringe when I look at all the imperfections in my own life. My flaws run deep. How can I make a difference?

However, I’m sure about one thing: God’s grace. I know that He had His reasons for setting me on this path. I understand that His grace covers me. That’s why I move forward; that’s why I keep plugging away. I believe that God continues to use me to bless others, even when I don’t see it.

It’s important to have faith here. The race is long, and there is always much to be done. I don’t know what God has in store for my life. I just have to believe that He will continue to do a good work in me. I pray that God uses me throughout the rest of my life to change the lives of everyone around me for the better. That includes my students, both past and present. Here's to a future of making a difference with them and everyone else I meet. 

Testimony – Hitting Rock Bottom

I was touched this morning to find someone on Facebook confessing that he’s struggling with his faith after losing two of his siblings. He couldn’t help but wonder about God’s plan when he’s been dealing with such pain.

His comments brought me back to a day more than five years ago when I hit rock bottom. It was the day that I decided to take my own life. I was going through a painful divorce at the time, and nothing seemed to be going my way. Earlier in the day, my now ex-wife had brought her family over to our apartment to help move her out. I sat there while the entire group laughed and generally had a good old time as they tore the place apart. Finally, she went with me over to the lease office, dropped off her keys, and told me to “have a good life.”

I was crushed. This was the woman that I believed I was supposed to live the rest of my life with. Yet every effort I made to talk with her failed. She wouldn’t give us a chance, even though she knew that it could be fixed.

I went back to work after she left, which turned out to be a huge mistake. I failed to sell anything that night, and as I returned to the office, memories of all the good and bad times with my ex-wife swam through my head. I looked upon every memory and cried out in pain. Tears flooded my eyes and raced down my cheeks as I drove back to work to drop my materials off for the night. At that point, I decided that I’d had enough; I no longer wanted to live.

I called two of my friends and thanked them for being there over the past couple of months. Then I called my mother and told her that I loved her. I hoped that I had made her proud over the years. She tried to talk with me, but I hung up the phone and turned it off.

There was now no one on earth available to talk me out of what I planned to do. And trust me, I had a plan. I decided to ram my car head-on into the wall at the I-270/I-70 interchange driving as fast as I could. If I was going to go, I was going to go hard and fast. Yet something stopped me as I drove closer to the exit. Some people might say that I probably didn’t really want to die, but it’s deeper than that. Someone was in the car with me that night. Someone who loved me - someone who whispered that everything would be okay. I listened to the words that emanated in my heart and mind, and I kept driving past the intersection.

Eventually, I called my loved ones and let them know I was okay. I then drove about an hour south and stayed in some seedy motel overnight. The next morning, I got in my car and went home. As I drove, I thanked the Lord for saving me, and I asked him to help me find a way through the trial I was dealing with.

God worked in my life over the next several months through my church, friends and family. 

I made mistakes, but I eventually emerged as much more than a survivor. I became an overcomer thanks to the love and faithfulness of Jesus Christ. I admit that I’m still healing from many of the wounds that were inflicted, but I’m also starting to feel joy and happiness again. I’m finally able to give more and more of myself to my wife, Jenn, who I’m so blessed to have in my life. I met her a little over a year later, and she has walked with me through many of the days when I’ve struggled with my failures.

Finally, when it comes to God’s plan, it’s important to know that He never gives up. I dreamt of being a teacher and a sportswriter as a teenager, and that’s exactly what I do today. I may have given up on those dreams at times, but the Lord never did. He stuck with me; he opened doors. God has continually given me favor, whether it be in the classroom or with my writing. I’ve even been blessed with the right students, many of whom I keep in touch with now. I love them like they are my very own kids, and I will always be proud of them. They are representative of how blessed I am in this life, and to think, I nearly threw it away.

1 Samuel 2:8 says this: "He raises up the poor from the dust, he lifts the needy from the ash heap to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor. For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's, and on them he has set the world."

When you’re struggling, and your heart is breaking, remember that the pillars of the earth are the Lord’s. He is in control. You might not understand why He is allowing you to go through something, but just understand that He loves you. He has your best interests at heart. In the end, you’ll be just fine.

Romans 8:28 notes this: "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

In the end, God will always make it right; He will always work your situation for good.

Keeping Perspective

I'm still struggling to understand my journey over the past six months. It's not that I should be surprised at how things have gone, but I am. This summer I was very open about my hopes and my frustrations, not because I wanted to rant, but because I wanted to be real with people. In the end, I hope that I was just that.

Since it's now August 24, I'm guessing that finding a job for this school year is out the window. It's a bittersweet feeling. I'm ecstatic to go back to Harrison this year and help educate my beloved students in that district. It hurt to say goodbye to them at the end of the 2012/2013 school year, but it turns out that I didn't have to after all. I'll be back, and this time I'm coaching the offensive and defensive line for the 7th grade football team. Believe it or not, I'm actually more involved with Southwest Schools than I was last year. Yet, it still hurts us not to have a full-time job.

In the end, the problem really is financial. Jenn and I have been waiting on having kids until our finances stabilized. Well, we're getting older, and time is running out. We needed me to be teaching full-time - for full-time pay. That's probably not going to happen. It's going to be another year of us struggling with no guarantees that I'll find a job next year. As it turned out, only two of my friends from Xavier got a job for this school year, and they both teach math. It's a tough market.

Some people might ask me why I chose to go into such a tough field. After all, I brought this all on myself, right? The truth is I've known that I was supposed to teach for years. It's what I was made to do. I'm passionate about my students, I'm passionate about teaching social studies, and I'm passionate about making a difference in their lives. Everything that I've tried to do over the past 16 years has failed to move me off that path. I was born to teach, and instead of fighting it, I put it in God's hands and chose to embrace it.

I have to remember what the Bible says: "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28) Now, I have to live out my faith. He has plans for me. I must remember that; I must keep that perspective. There is always, always hope in the Lord.

Other notes:

A. Rams Talk is going well. It's growing daily. We should be able to become an LLC soon.
B. Since things are beginning to slow down, I've started writing more. I keep a chronicle of everything on my Facebook page, and I'll eventually update my website.
C. I started writing a book, finally. I have the unfinished one that's been sitting there for a couple years, but I just don't feel led to work on it right now. I don't know if I'll ever return to it; life has changed since I wrote it. However, the new book, tentatively titled, "Freedom Lost," has me pretty excited. I'm starting off slow, writing 500 words a day or so, but I'll eventually get it up to around 2,000.
D. Jenn and I are still trying to figure out the best way to eat and schedule our lives. We could use some prayers in this area. Gees, just pray for us in general. Thanks!

Impact

It’s amazing how much impact we can have on someone, even with the little things. Last night, I lost my stepfather, Jim Codner, to a heart attack. I’m not really sure how to deal with this loss, but I do know that this man made a distinct impact on my life.

As I grew older, he was one of the few people I could call, day or night, just to talk. I remember my first conversation with him after my ex-wife left me. He gave some of the most important advice I could have ever received. He was there in my most desperate hour, and I’ve never forgotten that.

Jim was also one of the few people who truly supported my writing. Uncle Rob told me last night how Jim was bragging about my work during a run down to Texas earlier this week. He constantly encouraged me to keep going, even when I didn’t write for a while. Jim believed in me far more than I believed in myself. He was proud of the man I became, and he wasn’t afraid to show it.

These examples seem like such little things, but they are indicative of the man Jim was. He saw the best in people; he believed in them. Jim used his own life experiences to help others fly higher than they ever could. He made a true impact on my life, and I will never forget that.

I will do the best I can to honor his memory. Earlier this year, I promised that I would finally become the person who finished what I started. I have a book that’s been sitting unfinished for nearly three years. It’s time to write the ending. I wish that I had done it sooner so he could have read it, but I can’t change that now. All I can do is say thank you and be there for the rest of the family, especially my brother Jimmy. I can only hope to have the same impact on others that Jim had on me.

Starting Over

Well, I’ve officially capped an unsuccessful summer with my most difficult rejection yet. Today, I received notice that my local school district had chosen someone else for the job. All of my doors are closed, and with school starting in a month, few if any doors will open between now and then. I’m not going to lie; it hurt. The opportunity to teach students full-time in this district meant the world to me. Seriously, I just want to teach. It’s what I live to do as a professional, and to not do that with my own classroom is absolutely devastating.

I’m hurting. I’ve interviewed with 11 districts, and none of them saw fit to hire me. That includes the school I graduated from, and the district I currently call home. That definitely kills an ego. It’s both humbling and terrifying. My wonderful wife has taken on the difficult role as the breadwinner throughout this process, and it upsets me that I can’t contribute the way I want to.

It’s easy to blame God or question my faith when things like this happen. However, that is something I refuse to do. I don’t know why these districts didn’t hire me, nor do I know when or even if I’ll find a job, but I do know that my God loves me. I have favor with him, and even though I’m going through my biggest trial since my divorce, I will trust God.

God has found various ways to keep my family afloat over the past couple of years, and I believe that He will continue to do so. He’s used everything I can think of to help us, and I refuse to believe that God is turning his back on me now. When this is all over, God will have the glory, and I will be thanking Him for finding me that perfect job for me. Actually, I might as well start now because it will happen. God will provide. I don’t know when it will happen, but it will.

Not Giving Up

Call me naïve, but I never actually believed that I would still be unemployed by June 18. I figured that my ability to build relationships with students, my service in the military, and my passion for teaching would make up for the lack of experience in the classroom. I was wrong.

Some people warned me that it might be June or July before I was hired. Others said that most of the good hiring was done in April or May. I decided that the best thing I could do was work my butt off looking for jobs, and that’s what I’ve done. I believe that there aren’t many people who have worked harder than me to find a job. I’ve done everything I can...well almost.

The truth is that I’ve never truly put this in God’s hands. I’m not sure why exactly. It’s not because of a lack of faith or because I want to do it on my own. Instead, I believe it’s because I wanted some level of control in the process. Now I'm still unemployed after months of researching and applying for jobs. I’m discouraged, and I want to give up.

However, if I were to quit, I’d be doing the exact opposite of what I taught my beloved students at Harrison not to do. I taught them that dreams are realities left unpursued. I taught them to never give up. So with my heart humbled and my feelings hurt, I’m going to continue pursuing this dream. And this time, I’m putting it in God’s hands. I choose to believe that I’ll be teaching full-time this fall, but even if it doesn’t happen, I will continue to believe in God’s plan for my life. I will not give up hope.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all of your heart." Jeremiah 29:11-13 (NIV)

For Granted

There’s something about music that seems to reach me in a way that nothing else can. I was driving to work this morning when K-Love played Jason Gray’s song “Good to be Alive.” The lyrics touched me in a way that I haven’t been touched in a long time.

Here are the verses that got to me:

I won’t take it for granted

I won’t waste another second

All I want is to give you

A life well lived, to say “thank you.”

I wanna live like there’s no tomorrow,

Love like I’m on borrowed time,

It’s good to be, it’s good to be alive.

I started thinking about my life, and I came to a sad realization: I’ve taken it for granted. What’s worse is that I’ve been doing it for a long time. I feel as though I’ve been living on the defensive ever since my ex-wife left me five years ago. It’s almost as if I’ve become nothing more than a survivor who is unwilling to truly feel or let people get close to me.

When I look at what I’ve been given, I should be grateful. The Lord gave me a wife who will never leave me. She loves me very much, and she will never give up on me. I’ve become a successful writer who now owns and operates a website covering my favorite team. I’ve been published on Yahoo! Sports, Apocalypse MMA and several other websites. Finally, I’ve finished the licensure process. I’m now a substitute teacher who has had the privilege of working with some wonderful students.

However, despite all of these personal and professional successes, I realize that I’m not really living life. There’s not a lot of joy in my heart; there’s not a lot of happiness. I simply live every day expecting it to be just as blah as the day before, and it’s all my fault.

The truth is I became so bent on trying to make up for past professional failures that I lost sight of what’s really important. God gave me a wonderful gift with Jenn, but I have continually pushed her away when I should have let her in. I’ve taken the greatest personal gift God could give me (outside of salvation), and I’ve built a wall between us. I didn’t want to risk feeling the same pain that I felt five years ago, so I went on the defensive, and I didn’t even realize it.

Moreover, I’ve built that same wall around my heart with God and the church. I believe Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior, but for whatever reason, I’ve still kept a safe distance. I’ve put my heart into work instead of growing closer to my brothers and sisters at church. In short, I stopped feeling; I stopped living.

I only get one chance at this life. I love the Lord, and I want to please him. The time has come for me to stop living in fear of being hurt by others. The Bible tells us that "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7 NKJV). Fear is not of God.

I don’t want to waste any more time. I could die of a heart attack tomorrow, and I don’t want to leave this world without serving God as best I could. I don’t want to take His gifts for granted. No matter how we want to frame it, we are on borrowed time, and I should be living every day like it’s my last on this earth. That’s my prayer for today – to live like there’s no tomorrow.

Answering the argument

I usually don’t pay any attention to the atheists who make statements on my Facebook feed. I don’t have a problem with them, and I have no desire to argue with them about God. Yet I saw an argument on my feed today that bothered me. Click here to read it.

It begins with Abraham’s post. He quoted John 3:16 and stated that Jesus loves you all unconditionally. “Atheist” replies by noting the condition, “whoever believes in Him.” The problem I see with many atheists is that they truly don’t understand what the Bible means. John 3:16 is referring to our salvation. Jesus is stating that we must believe in him in order to be saved and spend eternity with him. This does not mean that Jesus does not love us. I don’t always listen to my wife, but she loves me anyway. I haven’t always followed my mother’s advice, but she still thinks I’m the best thing since “All My Children.”

“Atheist” then refers to a scripture that he says led to his atheism: 1 Peter 3:15. That scripture states, “15 But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect...” (NIV)

“Atheist” argues that if you cannot present the evidence, you’re failing as a Christian, which has some truth to it. He or she also argues that “...if you DO have good evidence that you can present and you aren’t, then you’re wasting your time, potentially being the direct cause of someone going to hell.”

There are many problems with this argument. Peter wasn’t acting as God but giving advice about carrying out your faith in a world that is struggling. 1 Peter 3 spends much of its time giving fatherly advice in living your day-to-day life. It doesn’t condemn someone to hell for struggling. He’s giving sound advice on what things we should aim for as mature Christians.

I do agree that a Christian who is unable to present evidence of their personal faith is probably failing in some kind of way. But that does not mean they are failing as a Christian; it means that the Christian is not where he or she should be in their faith.

Peter stated that we should be prepared to present a defense of our faith, which should always be the case regardless of what you believe in. If someone asks you why you are a Christian, you should be ready to answer it. I mean, come on, I’ve never met an atheist who wasn’t prepared to explain why he or she is an atheist.

“Atheist” also mentions Matthew 6:6-8 and how the “public invocation of your deity” is a “big no-no,” but he or she fails to understand those verses are referring to your personal prayer time. There are multiple examples throughout the Bible of a spiritual leader or, in Israel/Judah’s case, a king, leading his people in prayer. God does not ban that.

“Atheist” also references Galatians 5:19-21 and how it bans idolatry. He notes that the special significance put on crosses and crucifixes by many Christians “bars” them from heaven. I agree that people who worship their crosses, crucifixes, and other artifacts are indeed committing a sin. However, only unforgiven sin bars you from heaven; that’s what John 3:16 promises. (I don’t, however, believe that having a cross or crucifix is wrong. It’s not an idol unless you treat it as such. Whenever I’ve had a cross, it’s always pointed me towards the one who bore it for me.)

At the root of this, it’s clear that this person has no real understanding of Christian doctrine. This is common with many (though not all) atheists. There are quite a few half-truths within his or her argument that make me believe that someone has deceived him.

If you’re an atheist and reading this, please understand that I respect your beliefs. I don’t agree with them, but I do respect them. What this person did was disrespect the Christian’s beliefs through mostly untrue statements about the Bible and its doctrine. What’s worse is that this seems to be happening more and more within the atheist community.

I don’t mean this for all atheists, but there is a point to be made here. If you don’t believe in God, that’s your decision. Why do you even bother attacking those who do believe in Jesus Christ? Just live your life. Have a great time. Why waste time criticizing a person who did nothing to attack your beliefs? And here I thought that Christians were the ones labeled as intolerant.