What does it mean to be a Christian?

If you're a Christian, you have one responsibility above all others: Love God. How do we love God? Love His people. Jesus Christ loved people (believers or not) so much that he gave up his life for all of humanity. If being a Christian means that I spend my days shouting at people in judgment instead of loving them, then I want no part in it. Thankfully, that's not what Christianity is, but what some people make it out to be.

With this in mind, I've decided to write about a book about what it means to be a Christian. It's been on my heart for awhile, and I think it's the right thing to do. By writing this book, I hope to reach people not because I think I'm special or better than anyone else, but because I'm just as flawed as everyone else.

What is my purpose?

The biggest question I've been struggling to answer in the past four years is "Who am I and what is my purpose?" I've fallen back on the passions that have been in my heart since childhood to help me stand, but now I wonder if there isn't more for me to do. I love to write, and I'm hungry to get in the classroom and help mold young people, but I'm still restless. I hear my Master's call, but I can't quiet my mind enough to figure out what He's saying. Well, that's not entirely true.

Almost a year ago, I stopped writing the book I was working on. I was actually close to finishing it. Well, I was almost done with the first draft anyways. I put it down because I was scared of it. I also allowed sports writing and school work get in the way. Yet, it lingers in the back of head. It calls out for me to finish it. Moreover, it calls out for to seek God's face, which I need to do more of. I need to be more open about my walk with Christ. Most of my writer friends probably have no clue that I'm a Christian.

I guess in all of this confusion in my head, there is so much I don't understand. If there are all of these different passions in my heart, what is my true purpose? What am I designed to do? What am I supposed to do? I'm about to turn 33, and I feel like I'm starting over brand-new.

While I wait for these answers my prayer is that God will make me into a man after his own heart. Father, please do this work in me. Make me into a loving, caring, patient husband. Purify my heart, and make me new every day. Through you alone can I find my way.

Amen

Five Months Later…

It’s been five months since I’ve written here. It’s not because I didn’t want to write, or because I found better things to do. I simply found more things to do. Here is a look at the past 180 days in the life of Derek Ciapala.

A.    I finished my first semester at Xavier in May. All three of the classes were for my language arts licensure, and they all were my biggest challenges thus far in graduate school. I’ve always been an avid reader, but I’ve never spent as time with my nose in a book as I did last spring.

B.     I started freelance writing last February. Since then, I’ve become a featured contributor for the Yahoo Contributor Network for sports. I specialize in international Soccer and mixed martial arts, but I also write NCAA and NFL football, MLB, NHL, MLS, and fantasy football. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to write about what I love, and I’m very grateful for it.

C.     Summer classes were easier, but still time consuming. Jenn and I have been struggling to find time together ever since. Writing didn’t become a problem until I was forced to start writing more…and why did I need to start writing more? That leads me to…

D.    In June, JPMorgan informed our office that the transfer agency has sub-contracted out to U.S. Bank, and that we were all losing our jobs in November. They later pushed it back to December. December 31 will be my last as a JPMorgan employee. Jenn and I see this as an opportunity for me to finally reset after what’s been a rough few years. I’m going to finish school and keep writing to help support us. However, I’m concerned that I’ll need to find more work.

E.    Throughout all of these changes, I’ve struggled to really keep my walk with the Lord. There are so many distractions that seem to demand not just my attention, but Jenn’s attention. We definitely need some prayer backup.

Overall, our faith is being stretched and molded each day. Thanks for reading. I’ll check in more often.

Why am I doing this?

Ever since I started Grad school, I've wondered why on earth the Lord would have me do this. The English classes were more than I bargained for, and quite frankly, I would have rather been at home with Jenn. However, I was reminded of the Lord's reasons this week when I began my first class in the education portion of my masters/licensure section. Both days I've been to class this term have done nothing but excite me. Thanks, Father! It was a nice reminder.

The Struggling Man

When I went through my divorce, one of the first issues I had to deal with was how to be the godly man a wife needs. The truth is I failed miserably in many aspects of that marriage, and now that I’m remarried I struggle to figure out what to do in many situations. Sometimes I can’t decide what to do. I just sit there paralyzed, trying to figure out what action to take. What do I say, what do I do? How do I do what’s best for Jenn to show her love?

A husband’s love is supposed to be sacrificial according to the Bible, but what do you do in situations where making the sacrifice feels like you’re doing more harm than good? I know, I know, prayer is supposed to be the answer, but to be honest, sometimes I pray and I don’t feel as though I’m getting an answer. Of course, I know that isn’t true. I guess in many ways I’m just struggling under the responsibility of being the husband that God calls me to be. I’m afraid of failure. I don’t want to ever hold Jenn back from God or anything that she’s driven to do. As always, prayers are appreciated.

And So It Goes...

It's been awhile since I've checked in though you'd think it was because of my grad school schedule, or maybe because it's tax season and we're overloaded at work. I'd like to say that's all it is, but truthfully I've been lazy with the blog. Not that it really matters because it's my blog anyways and who really cares if I write? Yet, the truth is I miss sitting in front of my computer thinking of interesting things to say about God. I guess I've been in a dry spell.

I suppose it's because I've let other things in my way of late. I haven't really worked out how to balance God with marriage, job, and school. I can't blame it on the freelance work I've been doing, because it never really takes me long to write anyways. The truth is just that I haven't been pressing in on the Lord like I should be.

The past 36 hours have been a reminder to me that despite the fact that I struggle to remain faithful in my relationship with Christ, He never fails to remain faithful in his relationship for me. When I had my fender bender yesterday it felt like the world was crashing down on me, yet no one was hurt, the damage on my car was manageable, and I had plenty of people who showed me grace including Jenn and our friends. These people are people who the Lord has brought into my life for a reason. In the end, Jenn and those friends pointed me towards the Lord.

In other news:
A. School is coming along. I have plenty of reading to keep me busy and my papers are coming up soon. Spring break is coming up and I'm looking forward to getting ahead those days.

B. As I mentioned earlier, I've started freelancing. So far I've written three sports articles and two articles about the shuttle program. Here's the link: http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/963492/derek_ciapala.html

C. We could really use some prayers for our finances. We're trying to get everything straight and we've worked hard, but every day life tends to get in everyone's way and we're no different.

My prayer for tonight is simple. I just want him to make me a better man. For all of David's flaws, God called David a 'man after his own heart.' Well, that's what I want to be. I want God to describe me the same way.

Challenger

On January 28, 1986, Americans sat in front of televisions in their homes, at work, or in other places and watched as the space shuttle Challenger exploded just minutes after lift-off. America’s edge in the ‘space race’ suddenly was in doubt, and the dreams of so many young kids who wanted to be astronauts were vanquished in fear that we’d never go back to space again. There was something mystical about America’s journey to space, and to have a program that many people saw as invulnerable and a symbol of American hope go up in a ball of flame stunned us all. The lives of the Challenger astronauts were lost, but we all fell into the ocean with them.

I remember that day. I’ll never forget hearing the news while on a California playground. I remember coming home that night and watching on the news with fascination as videos of the launch played over and over again. I couldn’t fathom what happened. It shocked me to my core. I loved the space program. I loved reading about it, and I certainly never forgot the night when all of us sat as a family around the television and watched “Space Camp.” I wanted to go to space. That was my dream, and for a moment it was dashed.

On February 10, 1986, Time Magazine published an article by Ed Magnuson that held me in my chair. I pored over the article, grieving in my heart over what had happened. Of course, the cover of the issue had the image of the explosion on it, and I couldn’t look away. What had happened? Months later, the magazine published a report explaining the Roger’s Commission’s findings about the shuttle explosion. As the article explained the Commission’s findings, I sat engrossed doing all that I could in my eight-year-old brain to understand what had happened. When I set the article down, I realized something. My dream hadn’t died; in fact, I was fascinated even more by space, space travel, the stars and planets, and anything else that might be out there. The Challenger tragedy did something in me that I couldn’t fathom: it focused me on the wonders of what might be out there.

I went to school and started reading everything I could about space and the planets. I sat in science class in awe of what we learned about the rings of Jupiter and the ice planet named Pluto. I pondered the possibilities of life on Mars, and what might really be going on in that big glowing ball in the sky known as the Sun. Years later, I’m still fascinated. I love to watch the night sky and search for its wonders. It still fascinates me to watch a shuttle launch. It represents humanity’s drive to shoot for the stars, and to resiliently press on. The destruction of the Challenger shuttle and the deaths of its crew were not in vain. They galvanized me and people like me to keep dreaming even when things go wrong. Sometimes we will fail, but we must try again. It’s about living the dream and pursuing what God made us for, and when we fail we just need try again. On September 29, 1988, a long thirty-three months after the Challenger disaster, space shuttle Discovery returned to space and again carried the hopes of the American nation to see the stars. Sometimes it’s not about our successes, but about our failures and how we respond to them.

The Line of the King

I was studying Esther this morning and found an interesting verse that I hadn’t caught before. In chapter two, verse five, it says:

Now there was in the citadel of Susa a Jew of the tribe of Benjamin, named Mordecai son of Jair, the son of Shimei, the son of Kish. (NIV)

This verse caught my attention because the former king Saul was a Benjamite and the son of Kish. I did some looking around on Wikipedia and found that the Talmud, a translated text from Aramiac of the Hebrew Bible, lists Saul in Mordecai’s list. Now portions of the Talmud are noted to be embellished or apocryphal, so I’m not going to outright say that Mordecai is a direct descendant of Saul. I’ll let the scholars answer that for me, but at the very least Mordecai is a distant relation to Saul. I do believe that the Bible is purposeful of everything it has written in it and therefore I believe what the Talmud says and that Mordecai was a direct descendant of King Saul.

The interesting note to all of this is that most of Saul’s family was destroyed after his death. They were basically cursed, and yet here is a man, hundreds of years later, who is related to Saul and quite possibly in his line, that was used by God to save His people in a foreign land. How graceful is our God to not turn his back on Saul’s descendants forever, but to use them and bring them hope and a future? As a result, God brings about a measure of redemption for Saul’s line, maybe even for the sake of Jonathan. Who knows?

(Reference to Mordecai on Wikipedia.)

News, Notes, and Other Stuff

Just a few notes from a rather eventful weekend:

A. The shooting in Arizona is disturbing on many levels. Already many citizens complain that our Representatives and Senators are distant from them, and now I have to think that elected officials will be even more concerned about setting up in town hall-like settings. It’s dangerous.

It’s sad that our society has come to this. Now we have mentally unstable people who resort to violence in an effort to get their point across. It happened in 1994 with McVeigh, 2000 with Columbine, and now 2011 with an assassination attempt on a Congresswoman. What can be done to stem the tide? What can be done to stop senseless actions that serve no purpose?

By most accounts, Rep. Giffords has been a good congresswoman for her district, and it’s sad that now she battles for her life. It’s even worse that other bystanders gave up their lives, too. A nine-year old girl? A federal judge? Others whose only crime was simply being there? It’s a sad weekend for our country. I don’t care if you’re Democrat or Republican, Tea-Party or Ultra liberal, moderate or conservative. None of that should matter now. All that matters is the lives lost, and hearts broken by violence.

B. Jenn and her dad did a great job working in the house last week. They managed to paint the big loft-hole up from the living room ceiling to the bedroom and the entry hallway/stairwell in our condo. What makes it particularly special is why she did it: she did it for me. The main reason she wanted to paint was to help make the condo more of a home for me. She wanted something a little more “us.” I’ve yet to take part in the painting itself as she and her dad had things well in hand by the time I’d get home, but they did a great job. They worked hard. I look forward to helping Jenn with the office, two bathrooms, kitchen, and our bedroom in the coming weekends. It’ll be slow with me studying and all, but we’ll get it done.

C. The Buckeyes’ win in the Sugar Bowl last week was bittersweet for me. I’m not one of these people who are crushing the Buckeyes’ football program, but it does disappoint me that the five suspended players were allowed to play. I’m glad they do face punishment, but I don’t like that Ohio State had to throw their compliance department under the bus to protect players that knew better. I don’t like how some people are trashing OSU’s program as a whole. The program itself is not guilty, as far as we can tell, of paying players or paying for players. It’s not guilty of any recruiting violations that we are aware of. Yet I saw some people calling for major penalties to be leveled against the program. Really? Seriously? The players themselves made the mistakes, and low-class mistakes that they were, the OSU football program headed by Gene Smith and Jim Tressel did not commit those mistakes. The mistake I think they did make was allowing the kids to play in the bowl. Still, they are suspended for five games. I hope they all come back to school and keep their word to Coach Tressel, but we’ll see.

D. Great playoff games this past weekend, especially on Saturday.

E. School starts tomorrow. I’ve spent the past couple weeks trying to relax and get my mind ready, but it doesn’t feel like I am. I better get ready in a hurry, though! The next couple of months are going to be tough. The three classes I’m signed up for my first semester at Xavier are ENG 525, Shakespeare (oh boy), ENG 550 Images of America (modern film in literature, which, I come to find out, is not really all that modern), and ENG 672 Modern Drama. This means tons of reading, probably lots of papers, and loads of time. I’m still working full-time so I’ve got a full plate, and I admit it’s intimidating.

F. Jenn and I both have re-committed ourselves to eating properly and managing a good healthy weight. We both have marathons to plan for this year, and she has her Ironman race in November, so there is a lot of work to do this year. Here’s to making dreams come true.

Unexpected

Today’s been one of those days where I just haven’t felt right. Actually, I haven’t felt right since the day before Christmas. Christmas has never been one of those joyous times of year for me, and this year was no exception. A good portion of it was my fault, and even though I’ve apologized for my mistakes and asked Christ for forgiveness, I haven’t been myself since. New Year’s came and went with little excitement, and this morning, while Jenn and my father-in-law are at home painting the house, I left for work feeling a bit lost and unloved. I continued to feel this way through lunch, but it just so happened that a little brightness came my way soon after.

The first call I took after getting back from lunch was an elderly man asking for information about him and his wife’s accounts. I verified their information, helped them with their issue, and at the end of the call something the old man said something I didn’t expect. He said, “You have a nice afternoon, and Jesus loves you.” A frustrating and rather depressing day changed completely from that moment on. Sometimes just being reminded that my savior loves me is all I need to know that everything is right in the world. It amazes me that God finds ways even in every day situations to tell us He loves us.