Excited

Jenn came home from New Jersey this past weekend and let me tell you it was awesome to be reunited with her. I visited Jenn twice in New Jersey and went up to Michigan to see her run her half-ironman, but there is just something different about being with her in Cincinnati. It really is home and now that I understand that I really have no qualms about leaving Columbus to live down there.

I am hoping that time to move is coming soon. I have a phone interview with Chase for positions in Cincinnati, so if you have the time to pray for me, please do. I do not want to work for another company if I can still work for Chase, but I will do whatever I have to do in order for Jenn and me to be able to get our marriage off on the right foot. I believe the interview will go well and that there will be a face-to-face interview soon enough.

We went out to Bed, Bath, & Beyond on Sunday to register for the wedding. Wow, that about sucked the life out of me. First, let me say that we did not initially intend to register for the wedding. We have already been down this road before and we just wanted people to come out to the wedding and have a good time. However, we had a family friend make the point that if do not register for stuff, people will just buy us gifts anyways, and there is a good chance we will not like them. So in an arduous effort to survive the onslaught of a lazy Sunday, I was put in charge of the scan gun thingy and Jenn went to town figuring out what she wanted. It was great for her and torture for me. I did think it was funny when I tried to scan her butt; however the only reaction I got from her was a rolling of the eyes. Oh well, at least its over with.

It’s exciting to see where our lives are heading now. We both have our hopes and dreams for our upcoming marriage and are thankful that these hopes and dreams are grounding in Christ. It is coming really soon too. We have less than 7 weeks to prepare for this wedding and there is so much to do, but the excitement is building.

Cardboard Christian

I have never really known life without God being a part of my it one way or the other. His presence has always been there even when I have run from Him. However, as I look back now I have always struggled with how we are supposed to live our lives. Are we supposed to put up this image of living the cardboard cutout life where everything is perfect. You know the life where we make every single hurt and pain into positive rationalization? The example that comes to mind for me is when my grandmother passed away a couple years ago.

When Grandma passed away I had more than one person tell me that I should just take joy in the fact that she was with Jesus now. “It’s a day of celebration, you should be happy!” are words I heard as I nervously prepared to speak at the memorial service. Really? Try telling my mother that as she buries her best friend and prayer partner! Try telling me that as I say goodbye to the woman who helped mold me and supported me in all of my ventures. We all have to mourn. Even though we should be happy that our loved one is now with Jesus, we still need to mourn our loss! Somehow as Christians we tend to lose sight of that. We often move to the status quo that everything should be puppies and popcorn because we are Christians and supposed to be happy. The problem with that line of thinking is that it is just not real. That line of thinking is nothing more than that of a cardboard cutout.

As I look over this blog and reread the entries I wrote, I see that a large proportion of my entries have been rather serious and kind of sad. I suppose it could be a brighter blog, but it just would not be real. I want people to see the real me and what I have been through. I have not lived a perfect, clean, Christian life. I make mistakes and I will not make it look like everything is rosy when I struggle just like anyone else does. That being said, I tend to write more when something harder to deal with is on my mind. I have been blessed with a pretty amazing life.

I want anyone who reads this blog to identify with me. I am not a cardboard Christian. Who really wants to be anyways?

Worthy

The last two years have been such a blur. I came back to the Lord, fought for and lost a marriage, had some relationships with people break, and I met the most amazing woman alive that I’m now getting ready to marry. There’s been a lot of healing to do over the past two years and sometimes it’s been like a twelve-step process to get there. The more I seek God to heal the wounds of my past, the more stuff I find buried in me. Like I’ve mentioned before, it’s like I move forward some and back a little. It’s definitely not my idea of fun.

A couple days ago, Jenn told me that she wished I thought better of myself. She sees all these amazing qualities in me that apparently I don’t see. Her words stuck with me. Actually, they pierced me. When I hung up with her for the night, I realized that I not only didn’t think much of myself, I couldn’t stand myself. A flood of tears overwhelmed me and as the night wore on regardless of where I turned, there was no comfort. I asked God for help, and it felt like I had none. I just struggle to see myself as worthy of the second chance I’m receiving. Here God has blessed me with Jenn complete with a wedding date and site. Jenn is unconditionally in love with me and sees so much in me that I can not even fathom. With this in mind, I prayed about it and kept an eye out for direction. I wrote Jenn later and poured my heart out to her about what I was feeling and we talked about it last night. As we talked about it a memory came to the surface that I had forgotten. I stopped conversation and told Jenn about this memory.

The memory is from the night I picked up my ex-wife from the airport when she came back from a business trip to Denver, Colorado. When she got in there was something noticeably different about her. She was distant and cold, but I wanted to talk to her. I reached out to her and confessed a deep fear and she responded in a way that completely tore me down. As I look back now, ever since that day I’ve never been the same in the way I view myself. I understand now that the Lord was bringing this memory to the forefront. Like any man, I need someone to believe in me. That day, I was essentially told that was not the case. I see now that the Lord believes in me, and the woman who loves me believes in me. Maybe now the healing in this area can begin. Maybe just maybe, I can understand that I’m worthy to be loved again. I like that. I’m hopeful.

Oh as a side-note…watch what you say to someone. We sometimes don’t realize the damage we can cause to a person's heart. We have such power with our words. Be careful and love one another.

Random Thoughts

There isn’t a major theme to write about tonight. I have a few random thoughts worth mentioning.

- God has seemed a little distant from me over the past week or so. Since He’s always available thought would generally mean I have not been. I better get on that. I love talking with my Jesus.

- I have begun to think about my vows. We are writing our own for the wedding and not going the traditional route. Believe it or not, when talking in public, I am better at just winging it and expressing myself on the spot. I do not have the luxury of doing that this time. We need copies of the vows for our scrap book.

- Speaking of scrapbooks, I went to visit Jenn this past weekend in Princeton, New Jersey. We stopped at the Princeton University Store and I picked out a post card for our scrap book. I wanted Jenn to be able to have something to look back on with our engagement and we have had a great time out in New Jersey. The post card has a tiger drawing on it for the Princeton Tigers. We took pictures afterwards to have something to go with the post card.

- The past two years took their toll on me. My body is starting to show the effects of what I went through and I’m choosing to fight back.

- I caught parts of the Rams preseason opener against the Jets last weekend. The defense failed to impress in their series against Mark Sanchez, but overall I was impressed at how hard the Rams played. They have injury and depth issues already, and they are not as talented as the other teams in the NFC West, but I do believe they have turned a corner. I expect them to go 4-12 this season, but I am excited for their future. I hope to try and work it out to see them play next week in Cincinnati.

- The Angels pitching staff is horrible. They are fun to watch at 70-45, and Kendry Morales has been a pleasant surprise at first base, but they will not out-pitch teams in the playoffs. They have the Yankees’ number so they might take a series against them, but should they play Texas (its hard to believe Texas actually has pitching this year) or make it to the World Series and play a National League team, I just do not see them hanging.

- BJ Penn fought a great fight against Kenny Florian at UFC 101 and Anderson Silva was awesome in his destruction of Forrest Griffin. The rest of the card bored me. I missed the Cyborg-Carano fight, but it appears to have been a great one. I hope they get a rematch.

- I really miss Jenn. I want her home soon. I miss her so much and I am not ashamed or embarrassed to say so.

How Do You Define a Fan?

The NFL season approaches and I’m starting to get hungry for football again. It seems like the Super Bowl was played ages ago and like I’ve aged like fine wine since the last time my Rams stepped on the field. Yes, I said it…my Rams, the same St. Louis Rams that went won only two games a year ago. How can I get excited about that? Well, honestly, I’m a fan. Okay, I’m a die-hard fan.

ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd has often described the fan as being short for fanatic and I tend to agree. How else can I look forward to each season thinking my Rams are going to play well this year or maybe just maybe my Angels will finally beat the Red Sox in a playoff series? The power of positive thinking is definitely at work when being a sports fan.

This year I have a different reason to be hopeful. I know the Rams are likely to not be very good. The team is young and respected new coach, Steve Spagnuolo, is just now getting his system in place in St. Louis. It just appears that the worst is over with the team. It appears like maybe the Rams will give me something more to cheer for. Maybe that’s how you define a fan: they do all they can to find something to cheer for, even when you know the season is likely not going to be bright. Anyways, check out CNNSI’s Don Banks in his assessment of the Rams so far in camp: Don Banks

I hope Mr. Banks is accurate. It would be nice to no longer feel embarrassed when I put on a Rams t-shirt.

To Love Someone

It was not very long ago when I blogged about my dreams and then gave them to God. It was a heartfelt prayer that brought tears to my eyes as I wrote it. Who would have thought that giving something away that I held so dearly would result in meeting Jenn in just a few short weeks?

A couple months later, I started mentioning how some of my fears and insecurities were coming out. In June I wrote that I felt free of these concerns, but little did I know that I really was not free at all. The past few months were rough as I struggled to give all these fears to God over and over again. However, Jenn stuck with me. She’s proven to me that unconditional love exists. She keeps proving it every time I act like a child or when I am silent and do not want to talk.

This is what has become different for me. While I’ve never been afraid to love someone unconditionally, it’s been so surprising and even hard to accept that someone would love me in the same way, if not greater. I’m used to someone saying the words but being unable to take action. This is not a judgment against those I’ve dated or anything, it’s just in Jenn’s case I can truly see and feel her love being unconditional. She keeps pressing in on my heart. Where others have tried and failed or just plain never tried, Jenn succeeds in loving me and as she loves me, I am able to one-by-one hand my fears and insecurities to God.

As for loving Jenn, well it’s been amazing and an answer to the prayer I wrote out late one March night. I asked for a second chance to love someone, and I was blessed with a second chance soon after. How does that happen? I’ve done the best I can to run with it. I hope Jenn can agree that I’ve given myself into loving her. I study profusely what it is to be a husband and I seek God’s face on how to be a better man. There is such a long way to go, but to be in love, to live again, to hope again, it’s such an awesome feeling. I’m so thankful for a God that answers prayers and gives us the desires of our heart

News, News, and More News

So here we are with the latest batch of updates, thoughts, and ideas. I hope you find it worth reading.

A. The wedding is starting to come together. It’s so soon, but yet still seems far away. As mentioned before it’s going to be October 17, 2009. The wedding starts at 11 a.m. at Cedar Falls in Hocking Hills State Park. We have nothing really big planned for it, so do not expect any kind of pomp and circumstance. The ceremony should last thirty minutes max and probably more like twenty. The dress code for all who are invited is pretty simple: just be presentable. Shorts are allowed. I just don’t want anyone there wearing nothing but a bright orange thong and sunglasses. I am not even wearing a tux, but just a shirt and tie. Mullets are allowed…

B. The reception will also be simple. Burgers, hot dogs, praise and worship, and maybe some other outdoors stuff. This is going to be located at the Old Man’s Cave picnic pavilion. We’re still organizing what we’ll need for this, but again we’re keeping it simple. We just want this to be a party. If it rains that day, we’ll also get married at the pavilion. I think it’s safe to say we’re both going to be praying for sunshine and mild weather.

C. Gary Fowler is going to marry us. Are you scared yet? We are.

D. We are not sure where we are going to live. I have steadily looked for jobs since we got engaged, mostly Chase jobs in Cincinnati. However, I can’t even get an interview for any of them. I can say I’m building a fancy collection of rejection letters. Not fun. I like my company so I’m not looking for anything in Columbus. However, Jenn may have some opportunities in New Jersey, and since I happen to love New Jersey (weird isn’t it?), we’re taking a long look at it. I have begun looking for jobs there.

E. I have not been around C3 as much recently with me traveling as much as I have been. I feel very disconnected from my church. I wonder if I’ve been missed by anyone.

F. Jenn and I are working on a logo for our wedding…well okay its more like her working on it. My idea seems to be okay, but it wasn’t what she was thinking of. I’m deferring to her on that one. However, if anyone has any good ideas do let me know.

G. Diana is back in the hospital. I find myself wondering if my sister will ever be healthy. She’s definitely a trooper

H. The Bathroom Spider met his/her unfortunate demise. I got out of the shower one morning to find him running across the floor towards me. Of course, that ended our tedious peace and now I have a spider-free bathroom. However, it’s a little odd not seeing him in his little corner any more.

I. Jenn competed this past weekend in the Whirlpool Steelhead 70.3 Half-Ironman in Benton Harbor, Michigan. I felt my blood curdling as I crossed the border into Michigan to see her race. Eww…Wolverine land. I can tell you it wasn’t fun waking up early and walking over mile down the beach for the swim start. Normally it would have been quite romantic, but not this time. Jenn was focused and I was cranky for getting up so early. I stuck around throughout the day though. I was there to cheer her on at the swim finish, at the half-way point of her run, and I was there at the finish line completely drenched in rain waiting for her when she finished. She walked right up to me as soon as she crossed the finish line, kissed me, and gave me her medal to hold onto. I was so proud of her and it was special later to have her tell me how important it was for me to be there.

J. Watching Jenn train like she has keeps pushing the competitive itch in me to the surface. I told her I’d train with her for next year. I’m not sure if I’m that kind of guy, but I love to compete. I need to find something. I figure if I try just once, I can always say with a smile that I did with a 70.3 and I love the idea of doing this with my teammate.

K. A guy from work who is also a writer recently read some of my blog and sent me some links to try and do some freelance Christian writing. I’m looking into it, and praying about it. I’ve had some people comment my writing and I like to write, but it’s not like I am a trained writer or anything.

L. I’ve really been making a better effort to spend time with the Lord of late. That’s lead to some interesting moments with Him in the past two weeks. Allowing the Lord to work in me is not fun at times. Not fun at all…

M. I think the BJ Penn/Kenny Florian fight this weekend is going to be a great one, and may well result in a new champion. That’s how good I think Kenny Florian has become.