Writer's Block

So, I haven’t been writing as much this year. Some might say that it’s because I’m newly shackled and I have less time to write, but that was probably only true two or three months ago. The truth is that I’ve had writer’s block. I haven’t had anything move me into writing. But it’s a little more than that. It’s been a hidden passion of mine to write a book. However, like my long-term dreams to see all thirty Major League ballparks, to run a marathon, and to go back to Italy, it seems I struggle to motivate myself. Something always holds me back, or should I say that I’m holding myself back?

Before Jenn and I got married, I started asking God to bring my passions to the surface. At first, that isn’t what He did. First, He worked on issues that I’ve had buried in me for years, and He began a healing project deep in a heart full of pain and scarring. The truth is that I probably fought God on these issues, and more than likely, I still am, but I’ve been giving way to Him. As a result, (the big secret revealed) the depression that I’ve long dealt with is becoming less prominent in my life, and today as I walked down Broadway in sunny Cincinnati, I smiled at the joy in my heart that I’ve yearned for.

Now my passions are coming out. I’ve had this secret dream of living in Colorado and waking up every morning with a big mountain outside for years. In the past, in this blog, I’ve mentioned wanting to write a book about marriage, and while that is still on my to-do list, the other book I’ve wanted to write for about ten years is a novel. I’ve long had a passion for books, especially books where the characters find redemption and themselves. I love Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings (and to a lesser extent The Hobbit), the Left Behind Series (though the quality of it towards the end did not suit me), Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series, and my childhood favorite, The Stand. There are others I can mention like The Shack, and even Robert Ludlum’s Bourne series, but for me The Lord of the Rings and The Dark Tower take the cake. I know some of you are thinking, “Captain Christian is reading Stephen King?” Well, yeah…the man is an amazing writer, though you won’t find me reading Gerald’s Game any time soon. Regardless, my desire is to write my quest story, and recently ideas have started flowing out of my head. I believe it’s because the other issues holding me back are healing away. I cannot get them out of my head!

However, at the same time, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to write this book and have it fail miserably. I’m afraid that I’ll write a book that people pan and throw away. Basically, I’m afraid of failure. It’s hard for a man who has “For the Lord has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, of power, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV) tattooed on his back to admit he’s scared, but yeah, I’m horrified. I look at myself and think, “Yeah, I’m a decent writer, but not great, and I’m just not very creative, so why should I write this?” But I can’t get it out of my head. It eats at me night and day. It’s always at the back of my mind. It’s becoming my passion and I must find a way to muster the courage to write it. So, prayers please! I know I won’t find the courage to write it on my own.

There Is a Need

Today is one of those days where you stop and realize you have no idea what to do about a situation. I guess that is a time when you have to just bend your knees, and pray for a miracle. If you are a praying person, that’s what I’m asking for. Someone I’m close to is hurting loved ones by their every action. This person is so broken that he/she is paralyzed into inaction. The scary thing about it is that it’s been this way for nearly 10-15 years. Every day it gets worse. Words and encouragement do nothing to help. It seems even that prayer is not working. However, that is not what God’s Word says. God’s word says He hears every prayer and that He holds our tears in his hands. I’m asking those of you that pray to pray for this loved one. Those of us close to him/her are tired and frustrated. We’re at the end of our ropes and it seems there is no hope. However, hope is in the blood of the Lamb and we can’t give up. Please, I beg you, pray for this person. I believe that these prayers will make the greatest difference. I love this person so much and I’m so tired of seeing him/her struggle. I’m tired of seeing those that love this person struggle. It’s time for a change. It’s time for the touch of God.

Please don’t message me and ask who it is. I will honor the wishes of our loved ones and not say who. All I can say is please pray…I honestly believe a miracle can be had. Thanks…

Tebow

If you were to listen to the media talk about Tim Tebow, (or should I say gush over Tim Tebow?), you would think that he was a modern day hero destined to save the world! However, if you pay attention to fans, it would seem they are sick and tired of hearing about Tim Tebow. Maybe it’s because they are tired of all the coverage Tebow gets from the media. Maybe they are tired of his squeaky clean image and his very vocal beliefs in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. I confess that even I get tired of the Tebow hoopla, but it’s nowhere near as bad as hearing constantly about whether or not Brett Favre will retire…again.

However, more recently, opinions on Tebow have begun to spike again as news of his appearance in a 30-second pro-life spot for Focus on the Family broke. Reaction from pro-choice groups are stating that CBS should not allow the ad because they believe that Focus on the Family is against equal rights for women, among other reasons. One opinion states that during the Super Bowl is the wrong time and place to play the ad. Yet there are others who are applauding the kid for standing up for what he believes in.

I’m going to right away put it out there that I am strongly pro-life, and I’ll even go further and state that I am anti-abortion. I don’t believe that being against abortion has anything to do with equality. I just believe that you are destroying life when having an abortion.

So there is my disclaimer, and in saying that, I don’t really see the problem with the commercial. Let’s think about this: How is Focus on the Family against equal rights for women? Is it because they are pro-life? Is it because they prescribe to follow more biblical principles on family? They don’t say anything about equal wages or any of those issues, do they? So in my view, that opinion is baseless as a reason why CBS should not allow the commercial to air.

What does it matter that Focus on the Family, through donors, forked over the 2 million dollars for the 30 second spot? Are they not allowed to exercise their right to freedom of speech? As for those who believe the Super Bowl is the wrong time and wrong place, I strongly disagree. If you want to get the message out about your belief, there is no better time and place than during the Super Bowl: it’s the highest-rated television program on TV! If they want to pay for the commercial, then more power to them. The point they are trying to make is that Tim’s mother had a choice: She could follow a doctor’s advice and get the abortion or she could keep her baby. If she had chosen the abortion, we wouldn’t have Tim Tebow, who happens to have become an outstanding young man and an asset to society. So what’s the problem? So what if they express their views on national television? Hollywood activists like Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins do it all the time.

Note – So it’s now February 12 and I’m finally completing this entry. I saw Tebow’s ad with his mom, and to be honest, I don’t see why some groups had a problem. The only thing I saw that could be construed as controversial was Tim tackling his Mom, which was criticized by at least one group for its undertone of violence. This is taken from the February 7, 2010 AP article found on CNNSI.com: “The Women's Media Center, which had objected to Focus on the Family advertising in the Super Bowl, said it was expecting a ‘benign’ ad but not the humor. But the group's president, Jehmu Greene, said the tackle showed an undercurrent of violence against women. ‘I think they're attempting to use humor as another tactic of hiding their message and fooling the American people,’ she said.”
Read More: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/football/nfl/super-bowl/02/07/tebow.commercial.ap/index.html?eref=sihp#ixzz0fLEIZ7H1

Sometimes we take things so seriously. So yeah, he tackled his mom, who stood right back up and playfully admonished him as he hugged her. Is that really sending a message for violence or for anti-abortion or for anything of that sort? Maybe, just maybe, it’s what Focus on the Family said it was…a celebration of family life.

Diamond in the Rough

It's amazing: nearly three months ago, Jenn and I were married. Hey, we even have the pictures to prove it! I can also tell you that marriage has not proven to be easy. To be honest, it's been hard at times. I've come to a point where I'm at a crossroads in my life. I remember the man I used to be, and a few certain people still find ways to question whether I've changed or grown at all. I find myself wondering if I'll ever become the man I want to be. Will I ever be the strong, loving husband Jenn needs me to be? Will I be an attentive father for the children I one day hope to have?

I remember a few months ago writing a very public prayer about my dreams, and it wasn't long after that that Jenn walked into my life. God answered my prayers, and yet here I am, months later, knowing that there is more yet to be done. So I guess I have another prayer to pray. My prayer is that God continue to repair old wounds that seem to heal ever so slowly. My prayer is that God show me how to love and communicate with my wife in such a way that she'll never forget why she married me. My prayer is that God take this union and make it strong, with no holes or weaknesses. I love my wife, and I love my God. And because I love them both, my prayer is just to become a better man. I'm flawed, eternally flawed, but yet I know there is more to me. I know, to quote the movie "Aladdin," that I am a diamond in the rough.

My goals for this year are prioritized:
A. To become a better follower of Christ;
B. To become a better husband, and to strengthen our marriage; and
C. To become a better son, brother, and uncle.

It's not just about being a better me (to quote the cliché), but it's about recognizing and learning from my mistakes, and growing as a result of them. I no longer want to be a diamond in the rough; I just want to be a diamond! Lord, please polish me and make me your diamond. That's the route I choose... I choose the future and not my past.

2009

What I learned in 2009:

A. Love is more than words...it's action on both sides. When neither side takes action, you both lose.

B. It is possible me to accept love from someone.

C. I understand that God loves me.

D. My faith has a long way to grow yet.

E. The importance of watching what I spend.

F. That true friendship endures.

G. Some people in this world are truly generous.

I. Some people in this world will never leave your side nor never give up on you.

J. That alot of my wounds have been healed...but I still have some that need healing.

K. The Rams are horrible, but believe it or not, they are heading in the right direction.

Tis the Season

The Christmas season has never really been my favorite time of year. There have been too many uncomfortable memories and quite frankly, I just always struggle to get in the Christmas spirit. I know that Jesus is the reason for the season, and I know that is what we are truly celebrating, but still I usually do not get into it. This year has been no different for me, however Jenn has been working diligently to try and change my point-of-view on Christmas. I’m believing that this year we’ll start new traditions, and I’m thankful to be sharing Christmas with my wife.

Here is what else has been going on:

- I’ve begun to get connected at Jenn’s church. There are some nice people there and the Word gets preached, but I’m still apprehensive about committing to going there. We’re looking around a little but it is likely to take some time.

- Jenn and I were both sick in the past two weeks and its kept us out of the gym. That’s a bummer. I was just getting into a routine and it all went to dust. We likely won’t get back into it full speed until after the New Year.

- It appears that virtually no one outside of Ohio thinks Ohio State has a chance against Oregon. Perhaps they’ve forgotten that Oregon’s defense is kinda leaky? I’m not saying the Buckeyes are going to win, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they do.

- Can anyone believe the type of season the Rams have had? They have numerous players on injured reserve or out long term through the season, and now they are dealing with up to 6 players with the swine flu. They are not very good at 1-12, but as a fan I have to believe this type of season is building character for the long-term.

- Cincinnati does not feel like home to me yet. I know God sent me down here for more than just marrying Jenn, but for something else. I’m anxious to find out what it is.

- I managed to get Jenn addicted to Farmville. She plays that game more than me!

- Married life has not been easy. I was not accountable to anyone else but God for two years, and now I have to think about Jenn’s needs first. I admit I am not always successful at that, in fact, I sometimes fail miserably, but I will keep trying. I want our marriage to glorify God.

- Special congrats to my long-time friend, Tamara Dennon. She recently got herself engaged! It is nice to see someone take a leap-of-faith in an time where people are finding ways to end a marriage.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Notes....Married Life, Cincinnati, etc.

Well the move down to Cincinnati has been interesting, in a good way. There has been alot going on but it seems surreal to me. Eight months ago my life was completely different. I am just trying to catch my breath.

A. On October 20th, I returned to work in Columbus to finish out my time there. I was a part of the team completing the conversion of west coast Washington Mutual branches to Chase branches. It was an experience I will never forget. I had to drive back and forth everyday for something like eleven days and during that time some hidden tension between myself and a co-workers came to the surface. It was smoothed over quickly, but it was hard not angry at myself for not leaving a greater mark, if any mark at all at Branch Technology Support. I really did like my job there and I enjoyed the people.

B. I said goodbye to Columbus on October 30 and began my new job in Cincinnati on November 2. While there are small similarities between the the positions there are definitive differences that I must master quickly if I am going to be a stellar part of their team. I like the job and I like the people. It's just different than the retail banking side and I need to get used to it.

C. I sang with Jenn while she lead praise and worship in her church last weekend. It was the first time I sang in a church setting since I was 17. We started with Jeff Deyo's "Bless the Lord." and I think that people really got into the praise time. I like having a best friend to do this with. I had my reasons to stop singing all those years ago, and now it's interesting to start again and now not be alone.

D. Married life has been good. We have our moments like all couples and I sometimes find myself frustrated when we argue a bit, however I enjoy every moment with her and it's rewarding when we can work together to find a meeting place when we do not see eye-to-eye. I DO NOT NEED to win an argument, which was a flaw I dealt with the first time around.

E. I am still neurotic about some things...I guess everyone is. I find myself asking God often: "Lord, why did I just do that (or say that)?" I really do not understand myself as much as I wish. Fortunately, God does, and Jenn sometimes seems to understand me more than I do too, thought I do throw her some curves on occasion.

F. Cincinnati drivers are horrible (as a whole). Many drive like they do not have a clue and perhaps even more scary, like they do not care. I was nearly blindsided by a car going close to 60mph on Pete Rose Way the other day while leaving Sawyer Point (parking and rec area on the Ohio River). The guy blazed through a red light just as I was about to cross and I braked just in time. This happened just five minutes after a car almost hit me on a pedestrian crosswalk five minutes earlier.

G. I'm getting to know Jenn's friends like Lance, Steve and Grace Wu, Roger, and a few others. They are important parts of Jenn's life, but it is hard for me. I do not easily trust people anymore, which is odd because I have no problems telling people my story. I hope to earn their friendship, but I also want it to be because they actually want that too. I don't want it to be just because I married Jenn. I guess some prayer for me there would be nice. I don't really know anyone else down here.

H. I miss my home church in Columbus, C3 Church. I miss the people. I guess I need to visit soon. I hear they are getting big.

That's the news for now...