Writer's Block

So, I haven’t been writing as much this year. Some might say that it’s because I’m newly shackled and I have less time to write, but that was probably only true two or three months ago. The truth is that I’ve had writer’s block. I haven’t had anything move me into writing. But it’s a little more than that. It’s been a hidden passion of mine to write a book. However, like my long-term dreams to see all thirty Major League ballparks, to run a marathon, and to go back to Italy, it seems I struggle to motivate myself. Something always holds me back, or should I say that I’m holding myself back?

Before Jenn and I got married, I started asking God to bring my passions to the surface. At first, that isn’t what He did. First, He worked on issues that I’ve had buried in me for years, and He began a healing project deep in a heart full of pain and scarring. The truth is that I probably fought God on these issues, and more than likely, I still am, but I’ve been giving way to Him. As a result, (the big secret revealed) the depression that I’ve long dealt with is becoming less prominent in my life, and today as I walked down Broadway in sunny Cincinnati, I smiled at the joy in my heart that I’ve yearned for.

Now my passions are coming out. I’ve had this secret dream of living in Colorado and waking up every morning with a big mountain outside for years. In the past, in this blog, I’ve mentioned wanting to write a book about marriage, and while that is still on my to-do list, the other book I’ve wanted to write for about ten years is a novel. I’ve long had a passion for books, especially books where the characters find redemption and themselves. I love Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings (and to a lesser extent The Hobbit), the Left Behind Series (though the quality of it towards the end did not suit me), Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series, and my childhood favorite, The Stand. There are others I can mention like The Shack, and even Robert Ludlum’s Bourne series, but for me The Lord of the Rings and The Dark Tower take the cake. I know some of you are thinking, “Captain Christian is reading Stephen King?” Well, yeah…the man is an amazing writer, though you won’t find me reading Gerald’s Game any time soon. Regardless, my desire is to write my quest story, and recently ideas have started flowing out of my head. I believe it’s because the other issues holding me back are healing away. I cannot get them out of my head!

However, at the same time, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to write this book and have it fail miserably. I’m afraid that I’ll write a book that people pan and throw away. Basically, I’m afraid of failure. It’s hard for a man who has “For the Lord has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, of power, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV) tattooed on his back to admit he’s scared, but yeah, I’m horrified. I look at myself and think, “Yeah, I’m a decent writer, but not great, and I’m just not very creative, so why should I write this?” But I can’t get it out of my head. It eats at me night and day. It’s always at the back of my mind. It’s becoming my passion and I must find a way to muster the courage to write it. So, prayers please! I know I won’t find the courage to write it on my own.