Selfish

I wrote not too long ago about the insecurities that I deal with and how it seems to affect me on a daily basis. It’s botched up relationships, friendships, and has simply gotten in the way of some of my hopes and dreams for my life. Now with my recent engagement it seems like these old insecurities are rearing their ugly head again. It’s getting old, and to be honest, I understand that it’s becoming selfish.

When I let these insecurities get in my head it brings my attention back to myself instead of being able to give of myself to others, including God, my fiancé, my family, and my friends, etc. I hate that part of me and I want nothing more than to be able to purge that part of who I am. Why can’t I believe that I can be loved? Jenn obviously loves me or she’d never have said yes to marrying my sorry butt! It’s driving me crazy. It’s obvious that God loves me. I mean really, He’s blessed me all of my life despite all the times I’ve run from Him and despite all of my failures. He’s blessing me with a second chance at marriage with an amazing woman that adores me and is also very patient with me in spite of my shortcomings. Gah!! It’s so aggravating!

I don’t want to be internal. I want to be external. I need to love everyone around me and I can do that when I worry about myself. Jenn certainly deserves better than that. So as I work through stuff I’d ask you to pray for me and, as always, hold me accountable. I refuse to become my bio-dad.

Second Chances

Ever since my marriage fell apart, it’s been a long journey to wholeness. Along the way I’ve made some good decisions, some weird decisions, and some poor decisions. I’ve helped people. God has used me to touch many lives, but when I’ve gone out on my own, I’ve made poor choices and have sometimes hurt people I care about. I’m not proud of these poor choices, as I’ve already blogged. I’ve made bad decisions in dating, friendships, and in dealing with co-workers. And every time that I can remember, I’ve paid the price one way or another. Now here I am looking back over the past two months and thinking, “How on earth do I deserve any of this?”

I’ve already written about Jenn. When we met, I was sporadically dating and didn’t think much of it, but within a week I realized there was something about her that seemed to reach into my soul. I started to talk and spend more time with her and started to feel things I hadn’t been able to feel in so long. That really doesn’t mean a lot because it’s really just feelings, right? However, I started to do more than feel. I started to know. It was fast, too. Everything was a whirlwind as I realized while driving down to see her one day that I was willing to do almost anything for her. I realized I was willing to lay my life down for her. Up until this point, I don’t think I ever really knew what love truly was. Even when I was married, I don’t think I understood it. It’s more than a feeling. It’s more than just a moment. This is where I have some regrets… I’ve said and done things in the name of love in my past which I’ve come to realize just were not the case. I should have known better. I claim to know God, and GOD IS LOVE! In all of this, I’ve hurt people! Not just people I’ve had relationships with, but my friends! I can’t believe I’ve hurt people like this. Oh my…for anyone that’s reading this that I may have hurt, I’m sorry and I ask your forgiveness.

This is where I get down to the true subject here: second chances. As Jenn and I began to grow closer, she started to get into my heart like no one really ever has. Ok…let me stress that again. She started to get into my heart like no one ever has. This concerned me and I started praying. I also stopped talking to or dating anyone else. This happened probably within the first seven days of meeting her. She had me flipped upside down and all around. It scared me and I started praying. I literally started asking God to get her out of my life if she wasn’t supposed to be a major part of it because I saw what was happening in me: I was beginning to trust her. I was telling her deeper things than even my closest friends knew. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. But the more I prayed, the more I felt I should pursue. And the more I pursued, the more my heart grew for her. It was fast and didn’t take long, but I fell in love with this woman. It wasn’t just a feeling, but a truth. I saw that I was willing to die for her. I wanted to be that guy in her life, and I wanted her to be that girl in my life. I continued pursuing her, even though I knew she didn’t initially feel that same love. As I prayed, I grew more confident in what was going on between us. We became “official” and that was special in itself, but the growth continued, and out of nowhere, Jenn told me that she loved me. It was completely unexpected, but you could tell how true she felt in saying it. Talk about change, right?

Well, more change continued to come. Right before Jenn went out to California for her brother’s wedding, we actually broached the subject of marriage. By now I understood that I could one day marry her, but it was just a small thought in a grander scheme. However, when she left for California, I realized how real everything was. I didn’t just understand that I could marry her one day, but I realized that this girl was indeed the girl for me. I missed her presence in my life every day she was gone and I simply longed to hear her voice. I could tell that it was the same way on her end. When she got home, the subject became more real. Jenn is the girl for me to marry. So we talked a little more and then we actually went ring shopping. Trust me: during this time I was praying… I didn’t go into this blindly. The next day, I bought the ring…and on Friday, I asked her to marry me.

Okay, okay, okay…I’m sure there are quite a few people going HOLD ON…. Isn’t this way too fast? Are you sure about this? I know Jenn has been asked these questions, and even though no one has really said that to me, I’m sure someone has thought it. Well, trust me, it may be fast, but I didn’t rush. It may seem rash, but there was a lot of prayer and even some fasting that was involved. In the end, I simply understood that I love this girl and I wanted to spend my life with her, and I didn’t need the traditional 8 months plus to figure that out. Jenn is the woman I love, and I happen to be the man she loves, and we both understand what we are getting into. So if anyone here is concerned about the timing, thank you. Just understand that sometimes things can’t be explained with normal logic or tradition. Sometimes we defy all logic. In this case, the logical mind states that we are rushing, but the truth is there was no rush involved, just two people who understand that they don’t want to live this life without each other. You don’t have to believe what I’m saying; that’s fine. Regardless, marriage is a serious step that we are preparing to make, and we need your support, prayers, and knowledge to get it right.

Please understand that we both know this is our second chance. We both know this is a blessing, and neither of us is willing to risk that second chance. I don’t deserve this second chance, but instead God has blessed me with a woman that has surpassed every hope and dream I could imagine. So here’s to second chances. May we honor God with them, especially considering that without His grace, we don’t deserve them.

Passionate

Sometimes we don’t realize how passionate God is, especially for his people. Over the years as I’ve read and studied the Bible, I’ve focused on the stories and the teachings, and maybe occasionally noticing that God is passionate, but today was different. I’ve been in the book of Isaiah for awhile and today as I was reading in chapter 44, I saw how God had raised up Cyrus to allow the exiles to return to their homeland. I was astonished by God's passion for his people as seen in verse 22 and continuing through 23. Take a look:

“I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Sing for joy, you heavens, for the Lord has done this; shout aloud, you earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all your trees, for the Lord has redeemed Jacob, he displays his glory in Israel” (Isaiah 44:22-23, TNIV)

Do you see the passion in His words? Do you feel them etching onto your heart? At the moment I first read this today I was astounded by the passion that God displays not only in this passage but throughout the entire Bible. How often do we miss this? His passion for His creation is so deep. He uses words that describe his passion like '"sing", "burst", "shout" and "swept" when describing His actions and desires in celebrating the redemption of His people. If you ever sit back and truly wonder, “Does God care?” then you definitely have your answers in the passages. Of course, the greatest example of His passion is found in Christ. It simply amazes me how much God truly loves us.

I Am Not a Nice Man

Over the past few years and as far back as I can remember I’ve had the label of “nice guy.” A recent quiz that I took on Facebook reminded me of that when it labeled me as the “Nice guy that everyone thinks is gay.” That struck a chord with me because there were plenty of people in high school especially who saw me as the nice guy…who might just be gay. So while I thought the quiz was funny, and I’m glad some fellow Facebookers got a laugh out of it, I was reminded that I’ve kind of always been the guy that is seen as the nice guy. The sensitive guy…the one all the girls could talk to back in the day, but yet none of them would date. (Most of my girlfriends were outside of the friendly confines of school.)

I’ve come to realize over time that one of the things my ex desired was for her man to be a man of action. I was much more passive and I let the world beat me down. I didn’t often say “no” to her, or anyone else for that matter. I was docile and in truth, I failed to be a good protector. In the end, I lost her and she’s out there doing whatever it is she is doing and I’ve had to make changes in my life in realization of who God and Jesus really are.

There is something that I want people to understand: while I may have the nice guy personality, I am not a nice man. I’m trusting God to make me into a good man, which is far different than a nice man. I’m learning that the world’s definition of a nice man is a “yes” person who is passive and avoids confrontation. I’m seeing that the nice guy of today often lacks the courage to do anything more than be the shoulder to cry on, or be that special friend that a girl can depend on but doesn’t date because she has her eye on the guy with the courage to stand up and be real. I’m not passive anymore. Sure, I might be the shoulder that Jenn cries on if need be, at least I believe I am, but I can tell you this, if she’s wrong on something, I tell her, and I expect the same from her. If there is a problem that needs solving, I’m there…no questions asked. God didn’t call us to be the passive, little nice guys that many Christian men are today. We aren’t always supposed to be politically correct and proper. Jesus was not always so proper. Was it proper of him to drive solicitors out of God’s temple? No, it was not. But was it the righteous and holy thing to do? Absolutely!

I keep running this race towards God and the more I run towards Him, the more I understand that the true definition of a man isn’t just in how nice you are, but instead it’s about how far you are willing to go to be the man that God wants you to be. Does this mean being mean to people instead Mr. Nice Guy? No, of course not. However, it does mean telling someone “no” from time to time. It does mean protecting those who are hurting. It means taking action. It means being a man of integrity with the torch that lightens those dark corners of the earth. It means being a good man, not the defined nice man that we see today.

Heart

I find it amazing how easily the human heart can grow hard or cold if we aren’t careful. I’m convinced that Proverbs 4:23 is about guarding your heart from more than just having your heart broken, but from leading us down a road to where we could break someone else’s heart. I mean that more than just in a relationship with someone. I mean it with all people. We aren’t really a reflection of God’s love if our hearts are cold towards people. We’re supposed to unconditionally love all people. We’re supposed to have compassion for all people.

I recently had someone tell me that during her marriage, her now ex-spouse told her that if she wanted unconditional love then she needed to go God or her parents instead of him. As far as I understand, this was a solid Christian man at one point. I know a woman who was once called by her former youth pastor the most faithful and committed young lady he had known, and now she has grown cold towards people that she once loved, and looks to please only herself. I remember how I used to be. I never meant my ex any harm or anyone else for that matter, but at one point, my heart grew colder towards people. I stopped loving…I grew selfish. As a result, I lost much, and I lost so many opportunities to build others. I have years of lost opportunities where I could have encouraged so many people.

Hardening your heart doesn’t happen overnight. It’s slow. It’s a process. Do you really think that Pharaoh’s heart grew cold overnight? The Bible notes that God hardened his heart, but if you put that in perspective, if your heart is filled with the love of God, it’s not going to harden. Solomon started his reign in Israel with his eyes upon the Lord. When he began focusing on the world is when things began unraveling for him. It’s impossible to have the loving heart God desires us to have when we don’t have relationship with him. Look at Proverbs 4:23 again:

“Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.” (NIV)

It is the wellspring of life. Our lifeblood comes from God and his love pours out of us. We need to guard that wellspring. We can’t let it be drained by sin and selfishness. I saw a great quote on Facebook this morning that my friend Eric Obert noted: “The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s selfishness.” I wonder where he got that quote from, but it’s true. So guard your heart from those things that may hurt you, but also guard it from the things that may prevent you from sharing the love of God with others…remember His love is unconditional.

Jenn

So I met this girl. It started off meeting online (go ahead…poke fun at me, I don’t really care) where we got the facts about other. We started emailing a bit, which eventually became like we were writing novels to one another, and then we finally started talking on the phone. Before I even spoke to her, I knew I wanted to ask her out, and the first time I spoke with her became a four hour phone call. Okay, for those of you following along, yes that’s one hour longer than the S.S. Minnow’s three hour tour. We laughed, joked, and in general just poked fun at each other for the entire call, while getting some serious conversation in as well. She got me interested. So our first date was just a simple date in Cincinnati. I took her to dinner and a movie down on the Ohio River. We even talked over ice cream on the bridge crossing between states. The view of the water on the bridge was awesome, but as I discovered, so was the company. She was rather quiet and tired, considering she had just run 20 miles that morning preparing to run the Flying Pig Marathon, so by the time I dropped her off, I didn’t think she had as good a time as I did. I drove away thinking that she probably was not interested.

Well guess what? I was wrong. At first we were just going to be friends. I wasn’t in a hurry to be exclusive but I was very interested. She wanted to play the field a bit. You know, enjoy dating people, have a little fun, make new friends, etc. The only thing is that as I started growing closer to her, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Apparently, I was having a similar effect on her, and almost seven weeks later…well here we are. She’s my girlfriend. It happened pretty fast, and I pretty much blew her whole plan to date around out of the water. It’s kinda funny actually.

I can tell you now that I enjoy virtually everything we do together, whether it’s going riding or running. Whether we’re on the couch watching a movie, or at church, I just enjoy this woman. My favorite thing to do with her is to sing praise and worship with her playing the guitar. We sing very well together. I’m learning that she’s trustworthy and very caring. I’m seeing a woman devoted to serving God. She’s quickly becoming my best friend. I can talk to her about anything without fear of judgment or being rejected. She accepts me for all that I am, and believes in the man that God has planned for me to become. The point I’m trying to make is that this woman, Jenn, has become a great blessing in my life. I don’t know what the future holds in terms of our relationship, but I can tell you that I have high hopes for her and for the first time, I’m not afraid to see what lies ahead. So everyone, meet Jenn. She’s a pretty awesome girl.

Someone Told Me I Can’t Today

I’m tired of it. I truly am. I’m a 30-year-old man, who for most of those 30 years has been told that he can’t do this and can’t do that. “Derek, you can’t join the Air Force, they won’t take you with a webbed toe.” (Yes, I have a webbed toe) “Derek, you’ll never get into college, you’re too stupid.” “Derek, you’ll never amount to anything” Blah Blah Blah. I’ve seriously had enough. Have I not proven, backed by a Holy God, that I can accomplish things? I made it through 9 years in the military, with my temper being what it used to be, and still made it to First Class Petty Officer. I managed a 3.59 GPA at The Ohio State University, when all I could muster in high school was a 1.93. Yes…that’s right…a 1.93. I survived a divorce that brutalized me physically, mentally, and emotionally and I kept going… I kept the faith. I stood tall. I made mistakes, but I made it. Yet, I still hear, “Derek, you can’t do this.” Says who?

Today, I was talking to a manager about the possibility of working late October 18th so I can run the Columbus Marathon that morning. It’s the Sunday of the final Washington Mutual conversion to Chase and we are needed to work. I was inquiring about the possibility of working later that day so I can run it instead of the November 7th Indianapolis Marathon, and this guy that I work with proceeded to question whether or not I could do it. As I was coaching him on a call, he then told me that I could run the marathon sure…I could run the drink stations or I can run the finish line. He thought it was funny, I certainly didn’t. I’m just tired of people doubting me. This guy doesn’t even know me, but I felt torn down that someone would tell me I can’t. Please let me clarify, I don’t think he meant anything bad by saying what he said. I’m sensitive on this and I will continue to be. I’m going to run it, Lord-willing. Kidney stones won’t stop me, my ankles won’t stop me, and my past failures won’t stop me. So that being said…I welcome anyone who wants to stay on my butt for this. I’m running this race.

I admit that I need help though. I can’t run it without God. I can’t do anything without Him. It sounds weird for me to say I need him for such a personal venture. However, I need Him with me. I need Him running that race besides me. It’s only through Him will the right people breathe life into my heart and mind. It’s only through Him that I can even live. I’m going to run it, and I won’t be alone. I can and will do this