Status Quo

First, things first....did I spell "quo" right? I'm too tired to find out. Let me first tell you that its been a rough week. Everything was smooth sailing for awhile. It was nice calm...just kinda hanging out. Going to work, going to church, you know just being a bachelor. I've been enjoying it bunches. There was even a morning when I woke up and realized, oh wow, I'm over my ex...no really I am. It was a great moment, and one that was a long time coming.

So then all the fun stuff starts happening. It started like this, I met a girl...got close to her, and now we're dating. Then I apply for the full-time position at work that holds the key to finally getting back medical insurance. My friends at work thought I was a shoo-in. (If you read my most recent entry, you found that out not to be the case) Also, as I've been growing closer to the Lord, I've really been trying to trying to find anyone that I know I've hurt, and apologize to them. Why...I dunno. I just figure its the right thing to do. Oh and let me tell you this...I feel like I belong on My Name is Earl. Of course, I've found myself apologizing at work now. Lots of being humbled, I guess. Then someone I've been friends with and in whom I absolutely adore, kinda let the cat out of the bag on some feelings she was dealing with concerning me. Oh my...lots to deal with.

Its all drama...lots of it. However, its hurting me plenty. It hurts to look back and face the things you've done and apologize for them. I've never had a problem doing it, but it still hurts.
The issue with the young lady hurts too, being as though I'm very close to her, yet so far away. I can never seem to be the friend to her that I want to be or that she needs me to be, and in the end, I feel rejected because of it. I guess I simply hope that God uses me in ways I just can't fathom.

Now one more thing...I've been kinda sick for awhile...a couple weeks actually. I've been dealing with alot of pain in my chest, which is a little scary because I've had a heart murmur since I was a child, and it was enough of an issue for the military (isn't it funny that I was in the service for 9 years and they didn't catch it till the end?) to test me on it before I got out. I've got bad genes in this area as well. I won't say I'm scared to go to the doctor, because I'm not, its more like I know I can't afford it. Go figure right?

All of this is happening now...but you know, I'm not really worried. I've made it through alot. I've been through some wars, and even though I've been a bit beaten up in the last couple days I can tell you that I'm blessed. Everything is status quo as far as I'm concerned. I'll be fine.

There was something interesting that happened as church this past Sunday. I was at our Sunday night prayer service when a friend of mine walked up to me and prayed with me...for awhile....like forever. I thought he'd never stop praying for me. Anyways, after he was done he whispered in my ear, "The Lord wants you to know that you're never alone and that he's making a covenant with you that He there will be open heavens between you and Him from now on. You might have to press in a bit, but it's His covenant with you that you'll never be alone. He will always be with you." When my buddy said this, my first thought, well okay, the Bible says in numerous spots He'll never leave us. But what humbled me was that God took the time to communicate to me through my friend to tell me that I'm never alone. Can you fathom that? God taking the time to tell me things I can find in his Word. However, He knew how I was feeling. He know that I was just feeling lost and a bit alone. He knew how to get to me. What a mighty God...what a loving Father. When this all hit me, I just sat there and cried. I cried and said "God, why me? Who am I?" Well the truth is, I'm someone to Him. I'll take that status quo too.

Jesus In Me

I'm a contractor for a national bank in the IT department, and they recently put out positions that were permanent and full-time. I was the only contractor from my training class that did not get picked up and I did not know why. It was hard seeing my friends get their jobs and me not getting it. I mean really, I have no health insurance and my lease is up in a few months and I need to be live right? I didn't know how to take it and went home very upset and depressed. I didn't know why I wasn't hired.

Today, I found out that there is some evidence that I speak to some people in a condescending and rude manner. I had no idea, but enough people said it to keep me from getting hired on. Am I like this? The scary thing is believe my workplace to be my mission field and if I am not representing Christ in my words or in my actions then people are not seeing Jesus in me. I believe now that God has allowed this to happen to get to these things about me that I don't see dealt with. I'm going to be in some form of ministry one day and I need to be a man that people see Jesus in every day. I want all the glory in my life to go to God...and for people to see Jesus in me.

On a side note...its a bit weird to talk about, but my personal life just seems to be a bit weird nowadays. I had someone very close to me say some things that blew me out of the water. More importantly, I know she meant them. I'm not sure how to deal with them now. I didn't expect her to say what she did. I'd like to share something about this friend though... there are so many wonderful things about her that she doesn't see. She considers herself selfish for what she told me and notes how selfish she is in life. She doesn't see or understand that there are things about her that inspire others, including me. I hope that over time she comes to grasp what others see in her. I hope and pray that Jesus impacts her life anew. She has a special plan laid out by God for life.

Good night everyone.

Big Post

So this is what I learned in 2008.

- God's greatest blessing is free will, but sometimes our free will becomes a curse when we make poor decisions.
- You can't make someone love you. Love is a choice. It's also a testament to character.
- Whoever says time heals all wounds is pretty well full of...well stuff. GOD heals all wounds...over time...His time.
- God knows your needs...and is always faithful, even when people aren't.
- Forgiveness needs to be done daily....whoever said its a one time thing?
- Thinking you are ready to move forward doesn't mean you are ready...
- God never gives up on you....He's always there... It's all about Him. His story in our lives is a love story.


2008 was a year where I nearly gave my life away. When my world fell down around me, some friends and family abandoned me, and I was left broken and damaged, a wonderful and Holy God stepped in. He was the Superman I needed. He was and is the savior who redeemed me.

I was out with a buddy of mine, Isaac, roughly a year ago. While we were out he told me to lift up my hands to God and just receive Him...just receive Him. I felt embarrassed, but I did. Isaac turned and showed me his phone and in my name's place he'd typed in "Overcomer." He proclaimed that I was the Overcomer and that God had a wonderful plan for my life. On Christmas Day we spoke again. This time he's home in Kentucky and we were talking about how far we'd come in a year. It was here a whisper in my ear said...Overcomer. I reminded Isaac of what he said and we just thanked God. Through Christ, I've overcome the overwhelming loss of my marriage. There is plenty that still has to be taken care of in my heart, but I'm so thankful for the new life he's given me. He's restored HOPE. He's restored PURPOSE. He's restored TRUTH. He's restored ME.

I still have a long road ahead of me. I still have plenty of healing to do, as a wonderful person pointed out to me just yesterday. But as long as I can remember throughout all the trials of my life He's been there to comfort me, and he's always sent someone to comfort me. He sent Matt Valantine in 6th grade gym class to console me over my baby brother's death. (Its been 18 years, but thank you Matt). He sent my grandmother to me when a home was split and I needed a place to run to. He sent me to a church in Pinkerington, Ohio just as the world was going to fall on me. Now in the past year, people have surrounded me with such love and care. People stood the gap for me when life wasn't worth living. Anyone who dares to say that God does not exist simply needs to look at my life and others like mine. There is a living God and his Son saved us all. In this coming year may God fill you with unspeakable joy and peace. May his truth penetrate all that you are and will be. Goodbye 2008 and Hello 2009.

This year marks a change. I've spent the year receiving. Now there are opportunities to give. The big one on the calendar is April 18-25 when C3 is taking a team to Jamaica for a missions trip to work in an orphanage among other activities. Please pray that everyone God has intended to go is financially able to go.

Night folks...sorry for the rambling...well...not really but anyways, God Bless.

Assumptions

Have you ever talked to someone and just thought you knew what they were thinking? Have you ever saw something on someone that looked bad, but in the end, it wasn't what it seemed? If you did see something that looked bad, did you take the time to inquire about it before you made an assumption about what you thought was truth? Have you ever, without ever being told, assumed what someone was thinking or saying? How often are those assumptions accurate?

Be careful of what you think someone is thinking or doing when you don't actually know the truth. Its a trap and it hurts people. It wrecks relationships....be careful

Choice

For about a year now I've really had to live a life depending on God for my needs and he has not disappointed me. He brought friends into my life when I needed friends. He brought a church into my life when I needed a church. He brought people into my life who mentored me and encouraged me...and took the time to get to know me. He also removed from my life the people who were tearing me down and manipulating me into believing things about myself that were not true. Sometimes we really don't see God at work until we actually look for it.

In the midst of this, I've sat back and remembered that God has always allowed a simple luxury that we tend to ignore: choice or free will. Just as some people choose to walk down paths that lead to darkness, we have the choice to walk a path of light. We choose to obey God...we choose to trust God...we choose to believe in a being beyond all comprehension. Everything is a choice in life...we choose to love our spouses....we choose to love our families...we choose to love those who absolutely drive us crazy. Some of you might be thinking that you don't agree with this, but then let me ask you this question: Have you ever woken up and looked at your spouse and gone...oh man...what did I do? The truth is sometimes you aren't going to feel love for that spouse, or for that annoying family member that just always says the wrong thing. It's always a choice.

I just want to encourage anyone reading this to make that right choice in life. Make those choices in your marriages, in your relationships, in your daily activities. Choose to love and choose to give.

I have another choice coming soon and thats whether or not to leave Columbus and go elsewhere. I've chosen to trust God in guiding me to the right place and I'd really appreciate prayer so that all of the pieces that God has for me will just start to fall into place.

Real

Sunday Night Micah and I went to a large local church that was advertising as a miracle healing service. I didn't know what to expect really but I figured you know, I really want to see God move. I really do. We weren't in the building but 5 minutes when there was a man on the stage basically hawking the pastor's books and cds in a package to sell. The usher came out with handfuls of these packages and went up and down each aisle while he sold them to the congregation from the stage. This really upset me. If I was an unsaved man that walked into that church for the first time, the first thing I would have seen was a salesman on the stage selling stuff while the ushers were going up and down the aisles like they were selling hot dogs. Whats wrong with this picture?

Well long story short, for the next two hours we saw nothing bust bluster and show. Everything prayed for was general, with the exception of a choice few who got singled out over the couple thousand that were there. The pastor of the church came up on stage and just talked about the miracles he's seen, and how he believes in them. He showed a video testimony about whats already been done. When he was done talking, he turned the service over to another group who promptly sang like two songs and then their leader came up on the stage and started selling their CD. Thats when Micah and I left. We were there for two hours and what did we see? We saw a hungry congregation that was there and pumped up for God...they were HUNGRY. But we saw a service that was nothing but bluster and show.

Now I know my church does not do these type of services or even really move in this manner (in terms of miracles, healings, etc) yet, and I do stress yet, because I know in my core that God is only just beginning do his work through our church, but I can tell you this: When that day comes when an opportunity like that church had comes to our church I pray that we don't miss it. I want us to be as real then as we are now. Every part of that service was a show...an old-school example of showmanship and talk, with little to no action. You know what..I want action. I want every corner of our city covered under the light of our Living God. I want it all real! I want all to see who our God really is. He's not just words...he's action. He's not bluster...he's the real deal. God never wastes your time! However, I feel like my time was wasted when I visited this church.

All this being said, I'm in no place to judge, and my thoughts and prayers are with this church. They have great influence in our community and they can be used to turn Columbus on its head for God. Their pastor is a gifted teacher and is well-connected in the community. I can only imagine the potential of this church. So my prayers go out to this church.

As for me, I want it all, and I want it all to be real. My prayer is that all of our churches are real with our people. That way, when God does move in a service....when miracles and healings do happen...we can give glory to God and not to ourselves.

Hurt

I hurt someone special yesterday. It wasn't intentional...I didn't seek to hurt this person. I stayed up half the night wondering how it could have been avoided, and how I should have done things differently. This person is one of the most wonderful people in the world and deserves better then she got from me. She's a star that shines bright in the night sky that often seems clouded and I hurt that star. I also know that for the time being I had to do take the action that I took or it would have risked hurting her more down the road.

Lord, I know the prayer of Jabez was a bit of a fad a couple years ago, but I mean it here: Please build me Father so that won't cause anyone pain. I've been through of alot it and I know how it feels. I don't want to be the catalyst to hurt others.