Hello Again!

I haven't written in awhile and perhaps for good reason...or maybe not. There have been steady changes as I go. Ever since I let go of my marriage and started chasing God, he's been showing me things...and blessing me with things. Recently something else happened...I'm not sure I want to talk about it, but its something that has shaken me to the core. Its in a good way too. Its just really awesome how sometimes we don't understand why things go the way they go. On July 24th, I could not understand why things went the way they went that day, but now I am understanding it. And for that I'm thankful!

Oh yeah....August 16, 2008 Angels 4 Indians 3... my buddy Micah and I at the game. Oh and btw....he has been an amazing blessing of God on my life. I'm thankful for this friend.

A weeks worth....

I promised pictures from the ballgame last weekend and I'll post them eventually... I like have some other things to say. The last month or so has been rough. Following the disappointment of the 24th, I lost a friend and wondered what to do next. I decided to seek God with everything I had. He hasn't disappointed me. He's brought things up in me that I thought were long gone from my life and now they can finally be dealt with. He's done something else in me...I smile, I crack jokes, I laugh.....I love. In all of my years with my wife, I had a sense of humor only she saw. I was usually very intense with people... God's mellowed that out of me. He's also been dealing with any residual anger I had buried for her. He's been a long road...but he is making me what he wants me to be.

I love Him so much. I'm so thankful for a mighty God who loves us.

Living Life

Well, in my continued attempt to enjoy the things God has allowed to happen on this Earth, I'm heading to Cleveland today after work to catch my first Angels game of the year when they play the Indians. This is my first game of the year, which is rare because I usually catch about 4-6 Angels games a season, but with my current situation as it is...its just my first this year. We're stopping at my parents house afterwards to sleep and then driving back tomorrow morning after church. This is the first time I'm bringing friends I've made in Columbus home to meet my crazy family. May the Lord have mercy upon them for that one.

Just picking up and doing things again is a bit foreign to me. It feels like I've spent so much time dealing in my own way with my wife being gone that I've missed out on many of the things I've come to enjoy and appreciate in this life. I'm going to enjoy this weekend with my friends and be thankful to God for bringing so many people into my life in a time when I needed them. I'll get some pics from the game. Go Angels!!!

Used

Most people don't like to be used. I do. I don't mean it in the sense that I'm running around doing everyone else's errands, but I love it when God uses me. Lately, God has been using what I've been through over the past 9 months to encourage and help others. While I can tell you that life has not been fun with this ordeal, seeing God use me has made all of the pain worth it. I love my God, and I'm thankful to serve. I'm thankful that he's using what happened for his glory. I'm so glad to be used.

Hero

Growing up in a home where my adopted father and I did not meet eye to eye, I've spent time over the years looking to other men and fictional characters trying to identify what I should be. As I fell away from the Lord, I identified more with humanities view of the modern hero more then God. I've long been a fan of Superman and what the character stood for...truth, justice, and the American way. When I played games, I looked for the definitive warrior that stood strong for what it believed in and fought for what was right. Anyone who has gotten to know me over the years knows that I've never backed down from what I believe in. I believed that I taught my timid and reserved wife to stand up for herself and stand up for what she believed in. I tried to be a role model for all the younger brothers and sisters that were growing up in my parents home. However, now when I look at it, I've looked at heroism and not acknowledged the greatest hero of all...Jesus Christ.

Jesus came to this world to die for not just one brother in battle, but for all mankind...and he did it while standing up for whats truly right. He did it while showing the greatest love of all to mankind. He's the true hero...he's the warrior that we all seem to sell short sometimes. He's the Son of our Living God who died for all of us. He's my Hero and I can't wait to one day embrace this Man and bow my knees before him. I live now to serve him. He's my Hero.

Communicate

What do you think happens when two best friends talk to each other less and less? I'd venture to say as the friends talk less, they grow apart. Its the same way in any relationship ranging from your relationship with God to your relationship with your spouse. In terms of marriage relationships, the whole men are from Mars and women are from Venus thing is true! Men think differently then women and vice-versa. The only way to bridge that gap is to communicate. God intended for us to communicate openly and honestly with our spouses. Its no wonder that when communication slips, a marriage slips. I know of one marriage where the wife was thinking of divorcing her husband for a year before finally telling him. He hadn't even seen it coming! She left him three weeks after finally letting him know. This is how important communication is. If we can all learn to communicate the way God intended us to, we can avoid ever being in those situations.

You Get Hit...

God speaks to us in many ways. He knows our personalities and therefore is able to pick out those things in which He is best able to communicate to us with. I'm a movie fan, and tonight as I sat in front of my television watching Rocky Balboa, He communicated with me. There was a part in the movie where a guy is reading Zechariah 4:6: "Not by might nor by power, but by My spirit says the Lord of hosts." (NAS, I think the movie version is different). Today, I riddled my mind trying to think of a way to communicate with my loved one, to get her to see this is a mistake. When something popped in my mind, I didn't go running to her and say it. Instead, I asked God to confirm for me that this was the right step. What I got was this message from him tonight, reminding me of His supremacy. We always try to find a way to do things ourselves, and odds are if I had run off impulsively and did what I felt I should do...I would have got hit instead.

There was another point in the movie that I believe God spoke into my heart with. Through a speech Rocky made to his son stating that indeed life is hard, and sometimes life is going to hit you hard and often, but its what you do when you get hit that matters. Do you lay down or do you go through it when you get hit? I realized that over the course of 9 months now I've been getting hit (some of which is a result my mistakes). I've been disrespected, ignored, and thrown away. However, I'm choosing to stand up, take the blows, and trust God to use every punch and kick that I've taken and make me into what He wants me to be.

The question I have for you is what choice are you making? When you get hit, are you moving forward through it with God holding your hand, or are you lying there taking a beating?

Under 200

When I left the service, I went through a time called,"separation anxiety." Basically without the Lord and on my own from the service, I didn't have a purpose. It didn't help that I struggled to find a job. I ended up deciding to go back to school instead and I also stayed home alot gaming and finding other ways to waste time. My wife didn't know how to deal with me and I didn't know how to deal with it either. I developed a stomach disorder called GERD, which is basically chronic heart burn and my weight had ballooned to almost 240 pounds when things got bad between us. Well the stress of the situation brought a weight loss of 35 pounds in a months, and ever since then I've stayed around 205-210 pounds despite not being able to eat the best diet. However, when going to see a doctor a couple weeks ago my blood pressure had dropped from like 135/90ish to 117/69. This morning when I stepped on the scale, my weight read 199 pounds! The Lord has granted me amazing health considering what I've gone through over the past 8 months. Its a blessing to actually say that. In spite of all the hurt and pain, He still takes care of me. He still takes care of anyone who lets Him.

About a Month

It really hit me over the past two days that my marriage will be over in about a month, unless of course, God intervenes. All the years together...in New Jersey, Italy, Maryland, and Ohio. All the places we visited...all the pictures that we took....all the memories we made gone. Despite all the pain I've been through since she left, and yes its time to admit (as if you couldn't tell by my words) the separation was her choice, I can tell you that I regret nothing about our marriage, even my mistakes. Why? Well, because God has taken the opportunity to bring me to him and build me into the man that I was always supposed to be. I still have hope for a wonderful miracle, but even if it doesn't its okay. I lost the love of my earthly life, but I was given eternal hope in a God who always will love me...for eternity. What happens in about a month is just a small point in eternity.

Alone

Sometimes it seems as though we face trials alone. When we feel alone, we tend to get discouraged by pretty much anything...from a piece of mail, inaction in life, or a thought about mistakes of the past. Thats been me for the past day or so. I got home from work with a piece of mail showing that my car insurance bill has gone up a whopping 300 dollars for six months because my wife finally pulled herself off the plan. I then spend the night in a lonely house where I go to bed early wondering where this life is going and thinking about where my mistakes have taken me. But yet, when I look back at the post I just wrote I remember that I'm NEVER alone. He's with me, watching me, caring for me, forgiving me where others fail to, and simply loving me. I don't know what my future holds. Its scary to face it now, but I'm not alone and I'm thankful for that. I know he's using this time to build me...I just need to stand with him. We are never alone.