Peace, Prosperity, and Manny Got Traded

Well, in reference to the picture I posted...Manny Ramirez did get traded...but not to Green Bay for Brett Favre straight up. Manny's a Dodger. Good Luck Dodger fans!!

A couple days ago I was told to study prosperity in the Bible after talking about how Christians suffer, what churches preach, and all that jazz. I want to touch on this a bit.

John 10:10 speaks of Jesus coming to give a rich and full life. I'm thoroughly convinced that God desires for us to be prosperous in our lives if in fact we live and obey Him. However, if we are going to speak about some of the perks of being Christians, then we need to be ready to face what the world will give us. Every single day men and women around the world die for Jesus. People do suffer for being a Christian. Sometimes we suffer because of our own mistakes, sometimes its because of what people do to us, or sometimes its simply because we live in a world laden with sin. It doesn't matter how you slice it, if you are a Christian obeying God, He will prosper you, but that doesn't mean we won't face tribulations. My story over the past 8 months is well documented here. Some of the tribulations I've faced are a direct result of my sin, others have been because of another person's bad decisions, but regardless of these tribulations, God has prospered me. I have Christian men and women in my life who love me, pray for me, and whom would take a bat to the head for me if need be. These are true friends, not the kind of friend that loses interest in you or leaves you behind when they disagree with you. God has given me a job I enjoy doing, and placed me in a growing church that is really starting to see God move in it. He's stood by me even when I ask questions I'm probably not ready to hear answers to. He's forgiven me and given me a hope and a future that I can't fathom. Thats prosperity. Thats God working for good in our darkest moments. This is what happens in a Christian's life...he prospers us but allows us to face trials...and those trials make us into what God wants us to be: His servants, His warriors, and His most prized possessions.

Another thing I wanted to add is that I'm thankful for a God of Peace. Last week when things didn't go as I'd hoped, I was asking alot of questions to God, all of which remain unanswered. However the one thing I keep getting from God is: Be still and know that I am God. So I've decided to trust God, move on with the life he's blessed me with, and trust him with the shattered remains of a marriage that needs nothing short of a miracle to be saved. Today I was sitting in cube when I realized something: I was at peace...total peace. Thank you, Father. You've never given up on me.

Manny Being Manny

Well, I guess Manny is so unhappy in Boston he's shooting for Green Bay. I actually found this pretty funny, although I'm sure Red Sox fans didn't.

I Think I Lost a Friend Today

Over the last few days, I wrote some pretty strong words on this blog about my feelings surrounding my situation and how I believed we were supposed to be in Christ. I tried to actually clarify my heart on this too yesterday, but it seems that I may have pushed away someone I've grown to respect in doing so. I've had plenty of time to examine my words and pray about them. I've even asked a close friend of mine, who knows me pretty well, to go over the blog and tell me if I wrote something wrong. He noted one sentence at the end of "Vows" that he figured someone might misinterpret. I don't know if that was it. I tried explaining myself off-line and I'm not sure how that went down. So has anything I said been wrong? Does it seem to any of you that might read this that I'm going outside the word of God on anything, or maybe that I did blame God without me noticing? If you don't feel like posting a response here, please email me at dciapala@gmail.com. I'd like to know your thoughts. The truth is that sometimes what we write can be misinterpreted, or maybe sometimes we ourselves fail to write what we mean properly, or maybe its something theological. I really don't know. But I'm sad today...I think I lost a friend...

Selfish

Just how selfish are we? I was looking back through this blog, and I've realized that there is so much in here...about me. I know, I know...it's a blog...its supposed to be about my thoughts etc. However, there is something different there with this. I don't want things to be about me. I want to talk about God. I want to hear other people's thoughts on the faithfulness of God and just their lives in general. It's not about me. Even now I'm talking about me...so please lets switch gears: How are you today? How was your day? What is God doing in your life?

Word of Clarity

Hey all, a couple things I just wanted to note today.

A few days ago I posted about my feelings with what happened on the 24th. Please don't think I was blaming God for my wife not being there. I don't understand why everything has happened around the situation and while I know my failures as a husband put me in that position, it doesn't change me from wanting to know what God is up to with this or why things have been allowed to happen.

As for the change to warrior study...this isn't meant to be a tough guy routine. The truth is the greatest warriors for God in the Bible were the ones who bent their knees before the Lord. From David to Paul...they trusted God and allowed God dominion in their lives to use them. When I mentioned warriors on tv...I meant how characters are perceived as warriors because of their prowess in battle for glory and honor. While its fun to watch on tv, I'm more inclined to look at Jehoshaphat's faith in allowing God to fight for Israel in his armies stead. This is not a slap at history's great leaders, or the men and women who have served our country. I just mean that the warriors that God wants us to become are different. He takes our mistakes in life, and the resulting pain and uses it, if we allow him to, to make us stronger....more able. That's what is amazing about God's faithfulness he takes our tribulations, whether we caused them ourselves or not, and turns them around. This is clarified in Romans 8:28

"And we know that God causes ALL things to work together for good to those who love him and are living according to his purpose."

Basically, God can and HAS used the mistakes that I made to make me into a stronger Christian. And he does this for everyone who allows the Lord to do it. He worked it for good. I have my moments where I struggle, like last weekend, but he works it for good.

This is shown in Romans 5:3-5:
"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."

These verses don't pick and choose what type of tribulations God uses to form us. It doesn't matter whether we caused them or not, God can and does use them to mold us. Its these things I refer to in talking about suffering and being a warrior.

In all of this, I'm thankful for a God that takes the very things that can destroy us and make us into what he wants us to be. He builds warriors from the ground up...like a potter with clay. That's what I want...I want God to take the sinner that I've been and build me into the kind of man who will never be ashamed of the Gospel. I want to be the kind of man who will pray unceasing...and praise God in all situations. That's the type of warrior for God I want to be.

New Start

Well, for the entire like two of you that might just read this blog, I changed it. I'm not done yet...but the actual emphasis is changing. I'm still seeking to be unshakable, but there is something else that is gnawing at me. We live in an age where the Christian church is picked apart...we're seen as zealots, hypocrites, and small-minded. The truth is we are at war for God. I want to start examining what it means to be a warrior for God. Do we have a code?

This change is also meant to signify I'm moving away from talking about my wife and my past. I've let her go as earlier mentioned. We'll see what God does with her and I'm hopeful for her, but there are other fish to fry now. Here's my question of the day: What does it mean to be a member of God's Army?

Trust Part Duex

A couple days ago, before the 24th...I acknowledged that I really didn't know if my wife was going to be there on Thursday. I proclaimed that I was going to trust God regardless. Well, since then its been a bit of an emotional and mental storm. Rebekah wisely implied that I was disillusioned, and while I disagree with her on that, I can see where she came from. What didn't happen on the 24th was only part of the story. The other part of it was an accidental confession I got from my wife on what she's been doing with her life. It tore me apart. The grief I felt in combination with Amanda's wedding made it difficult to even breath. I'm now at a crossroads with my life and here are the choices I've decided to make:

1. So much emphasis was placed on my wife...that stops now. I have a God to serve first and foremost. I want him...I want all of him that he'll give me. I decided to ask her aunt and uncle to take up the prayer burden for my wife in my stead. They love her immensely and I trust them to seek God for her everyday. I will still pray for my wife's salvation but I just can't place the emphasis on her.

2. I still believe that God has not had his say in my marriage yet, and even with an estimated 35 days or so left in it, God is never in a hurry. This marriage and my wife are his now... If there is going to be that miracle I'm hoping for, its my Father's hands. I will wait for him to provide the resolution here.

3. I'm moving forward. My wife is taking a path I refuse to follow her on. I love her...but I can no longer wait for her. God has big plans for me...he's given me abundant gifts to share with others. I'm choosing God and moving towards the plan he has laid out for me...with or without my wife. Part of that is the change in emphasis here. Rebekah, as mentioned before, you're talented with your blog and if you are willing, I'll take the help. Wait till you see where I'm taking this.

4. I said before I would trust God, and while this has hurt so much...I still trust God. I took a bullet the other day, and it hurt, but my God is still here. I will trust him eternally.

We are meant to be warriors...men and women of God who will trust him into eternity. He trusts us to seek him and pray. He trusts us to go into those dark places with a torch carrying good news and armed with the word of God. Trust is what it means to be a warrior for God. Thats where I'm taking this blog...what is our warrior code?

Purpose

I was looking back over this blog for the past couple days and I thought, man this is depressing. The truth is that its been a hard few days. However, the thing is while I really don't understand why God is allowing me to go through all this...there is a purpose for it. I wish I knew what it was, but I think its something big. For all of you who have taken the time to come here and get depressed by my recent posts, thanks for putting up with me. I've had time with the Lord just in prayer and reading, and while I have no more answers then I did yesterday, I'm okay. God is always at work, and while I've been forced to let go of what I hold dear...its in better hands anyways.

Sometimes we aren't expected to understand God's purpose in us, we're just expected to yield to it when it comes about. I yield.

Blog Name and Format Change Soon Coming

I'm going to be changing this blog soon. I'm not very good with design so if anyone out there wants to help...please do volunteer.

Vows

Today I went to see Amanda, my cousin through my wife, get married. She married a great kid who has hopefully learned from watching what I've gone through. It was odd as I watched people who used to greet me as family mostly ignore me as they filed in. A couple gave polite hellos, a couple people waved, and one person actually said hello by talking through a child. It was awkward and painful to be a part of. Watching Amanda and Nathan was beautiful and painful to watch. It was beautiful to watch two people who loved each other so much get married before God. It was painful because it was almost 9 years ago today that I stood in Nathan's place promising my wife I'd always love her and cherish her. It was painful watching Amanda make those same vows and remembering my wife make them to me. Over the years, I failed to keep those vows, and now so has my wife. I only find peace in knowing when I gave my life back to the Lord, I did everything I could to save my marriage. I still hope my wife someday remembers her vows to me and more importantly to God.

For Amanda and Nathan, I pray that they always put each other before themselves and God before anything. If they live by Ephesians 5, their marriage will be a rich and satisfying union. There is still hope for marriages and God doesn't let us forget our vows that easily.

Pain

I think it was around 6 pm last night when the whispers in my heart came. I started to understand that my wife was not going to show up. I believe it was the Lord gently preparing me for what was ahead. Basically, in my spirit, I knew. When I got there I simply stood there and hoped...and prayed. When 9:05 passed....I knew that I was going to have to sign those papers.

This morning I stood in front of a notary at Kinko's in tears signing away 9 years of marriage. I went to work and put my envelope with the papers in the mail. The clerk asked me if I wanted a tracking number, and I laughed and told her, "Ma'am in that envelope is my divorce papers, and since I don't want a divorce, I can really care less if the papers actually get there. So no, I don't want a tracking number." She laughed and said ok.

I called my wife and let her know I sent the papers in. She seemed happy about it. I wonder now how it can be like this. I've stood my ground, obeyed God, trusted Him, allowed Him dominion in my life...yet she's the one happy and getting what she wants. She actually accidentally told me about something in her life that hurt me even more. Somehow, I have to keep hoping and believing in his plan for my life. But right now its hard to do...all I feel is pain.

Trust

Well today is the day. I brought my wife the letter over a month ago with God's instructions to me. He blessed that day and ever since then its been a struggle to believe and trust what the Lord is saying. When I go to that park tonight hoping she is there, I have to remember its not about trusting her to be there, but to trust whatever it is God is doing. I'm doing my best to believe she'll be there, but I am trusting God regardless. His plans never fail and the letter was his plan...I just obeyed. For those of you maybe reading this blog for the first time, a little over a month ago the Lord had me bring my wife a letter asking my wife to meet me at the park tonight to talk. If she doesn't show, I'm to sign the papers she sent me. That was the most baffling part of the letter to me. God knows how much I hate divorce, but He told me to let my wife know I'd send the papers the next morning if she doesn't show. God is so mysterious sometimes...He had Hosea marry Gomer, Jeremiah walk around with a yoke around his neck, and He has me doing the one thing I've always said I'd never do...sign papers. However, I have to trust Him...I will trust Him...to whatever end. Lord, I trust you...even though I'm a little nervous and scared...I trust you.

The 24th....Our Anniversary

It was 9 years ago today that my wife and I got married. It was such a stressful day for both of us. We didn't have alot of money and our families weren't able to pitch in much for it so she wound up with a dress she didn't feel right in and a wedding that we both hoped would be more memorable. I'm hoping this 24th will be different. I'm hoping that it will be even more memorable. I'm hoping and believing for Godly intervention that hasn't been seen in my family for years.

Today is the day...the 24th... I believe in the work of my Father. I will trust in him.

Change

A few weeks ago, I was down in Cincinnati for a prayer meeting with some friends. I had the opportunity while sitting at the table there to share my story with them. After hearing about what I've been there and my feelings about my wife, one young man was particularly effected. He noted that after hearing me speak he knew there was no one in this world who could love my wife like I can. He then made a statement that shook me to my core. He said to me,"You are twice the man that I am. The love you're showing for your wife is making me look at my own marriage. Its made me realize how important my wife is to me." He got up and hugged and kissed his wife right away. Later this young man pulled me aside and thanked me for coming. He said that some of the choices he's made had started him down a path similar to mine and that my witness could very well have saved his marriage.

I've told my wife in numerous ways over the past 8 months that I'm different but it wasn't until that moment when I realized how different I was. Anyone who says people can't change don't truly understand what God can do. When I look at how I was with the fog that I lived in, I truly begin to understand the change that God has done in me. Its the same change that he can do in anyone who gives their heart to him. People can change...

What I Remember...

This journey I've been on the past 8 months has put many things in perspective. It's taught me about God's love...about forgiveness...about hope. Now as this section of my journey comes to a close, I've started to look back over the years and truly remember things. I'd like to tell you a special story if you'll take the time to read. This is one is about my wife. I hope the story blesses you as much as its blessed me.

I first remember meeting my wife in the 6th grade. My Aunt Tricia and her Uncle Larry were dating at the time and since both liked to spend time with the kids in the families, they took us all out to some historical site in Ohio. I don't remember it now...I was too busy being enamored with my wife, and yes, I was only in 6th grade. It was my sister, Diana and I, and my wife and her cousin that went. We had a good time in the park. My wife didn't notice me at all I think, but I remembered her. The next year she was at church camp. I remember trying to think of ways to talk to her...but I never could. It wasn't much longer that my wife and her mother moved back to Youngstown and started going to Highway Tabernacle for church. I went there from time to time for the youth activities and yet again...never could say much to her. We were linked by our families but I was shy and she had her own issues going on. She got into a church clique and I pretty much always had a girlfriend...but for some reason when I saw her, I stared. My heart skipped a beat. Even when we were in high school when we would barely say a word to each other, I always noticed her. I thought she was beautiful...and I still do.

One day when I was a junior in High School, I was walking to class and praying. I literally asked God who I was going to marry one day. I don't know what got me to ask him that question, but I did, and immediately he answered stating it was the girl walking right in front of me. The girl walking in front of me was, of course, my wife. I laughed it off and thought I was hearing things, but the Lord always seemed to remind me from then on when I was in school because every time I saw her after that...I imagined us married, even though we barely ever spoke.

We graduated and she went to college and I joined the Navy. I had a girl break my heart the following Christmas and it messed me up. I deployed for Europe and the Persian Gulf with that broken heart the following June. However, God is always working. My aunt was over her mom's one day visiting when my wife was also there. Tricia gave my wife my email address and asked her to email me because I really needed a friend. My wife later told me she pretty much rolled her eyes but emailed me expecting me not reply back, but I did...and what she thought would be a one time conversation became something else.

We began writing back and forth...soon we wrote everyday. It was in September that I realized I was getting feelings for her. In early October I wrote her and told how I felt. I was so nervous!!! She replied that she felt the same way. I started calling her when I could and yes...I fell in love with her without even seeing her. I proposed to her 4 days after I got home from deployment and she accepted. Even that story is a little funny in that the proposal came over the phone by a chance mentioning of marriage. We just knew!!! We were married the following July. I remembered then the promise God made to me about who I was going to marry. She didn't really seem to believe me, but I knew and I still know.

Over the course of our marriage, we did so many things together, and while I certainly made mistakes, hence the situation I'm in, we saw so many things and experienced what many people will never experience in a lifetime. I don't regret any of my time with her. A couple of people have asked me why I just don't give up on her and the truth is this: God made me a promise years ago that this would be my wife and while I laughed then, I'm not laughing now. He has taught me how to love and filled my heart with unconditional love for this woman. If I want to be like Jesus, I must trust him and see this through. I love my wife...more then I can even say. Its his word to me that I remember. I'd ask that anyone who has taken the time to read this pray for us as July 24th grows close. I hope you liked the story.

I Will Not Be Moved

By Natalie Grant
I have been a wayward child,
I have acted out,
I have questioned sovereignty,
and had my share of doubts,

And though sometimes,
my prayers feel like the mountain of the sky,
the hand that holds won't let me go,
and is the reason why

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved

Bitterness has plagued my heart,
many times before,
My life has been a broken glass,
that I have kept restored,
of all my shattered dreams,
and though it seemed,
that I was far too gone,
my brokenness helped me to see,
it's grace I'm standing on.

I will stumble, I will fall down
But I will not be moved
I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But I will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved

And chaos in my life,
has been a badge of war,
and though I have been torn,
I will not be moved

I will make mistakes, I will face heartache,
But i will not be moved

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand,
I will not be moved


Thats my heart at the moment...

6 Days...

Well, we all know what God did in six days in Genesis, so I'm hopeful for what he's going to do in the next six days for me and a certain lovely woman I miss so much. I'm not sure if I'm going to post like a countdown over the next 6 days or not, I just know that I have more of an urge to write now. Today was rough. Thoughts just popped in my head today about giving up and just letting it whither away. I found myself wondering if she doesn't show...how would that effect my faith, considering I obeyed God to deliver the letter to begin with. Its become a mental battle that is getting harder to deal with as the 24th grows closer.

I find myself wondering the opposite too...not about her not showing up, but when my wife does show up. How can I show her love? I don't think she truly understands how much she's been prayed for and cared about over the past 8 months now. She has no real idea how much I've changed. All I want to do is love her and care for her now. Its just a huge change. I just want her to know...

Usually this is the point in the blog where I write that nevertheless I'm hopeful and I'm believing, and while I am all these things, it doesn't fit. I'm truly nervous... I'm fighting to keep hope....fighting to keep believing in what the Lord has shown me. Six more days to go...

One Week

I find it amazing that all of the months I've been waiting for resolution with my wife is now coming down to one week. I'm feeling so many different things right now. I'm anxious....nervous...a little scared....hopeful. I find myself wondering if the Lord smiles upon me now. Is he pleased by route I've taken? Is he pleased with how much I love him? There is so much more then that boiling up inside me. I sometimes feel like I don't deserve the blessing of a miracle from God...and truthfully I don't. But its not about me...its about him and his glory. I'm humbled by that. Oh how I love Jesus.
Gotta keep waiting....one more week.

Stronghold

As a side note to my last post, I want to say that some of the hobbies I had were used by Satan to become strongholds in my life. Gaming became a lifestyle that lead me to take God and my wife for granted. There were still traces of my old addictions like porn still in my life as well. As much as I loved my wife (and boy do I still love her) those things held me back from showing her how important she was to me. They were strongholds in my life. I'm happy to report that since I threw the games away I haven't gone back. Even when my buddy tried to get me to play...I just couldn't do it. It wasn't my desire any more. The same goes for porn... I have not actively searched for porn since before my wife and I split. I run from it. These strongholds were broken by the true and living God. There is no other explanation.

Now the thing is there are strongholds virtually everywhere we go. We have personal strongholds, strongholds over families, strongholds over churches, strongholds over cities, and even strongholds over countries. These strongholds can be broken...we need to continually pray and not give up. I'm living proof that God does miracles. Keep praying, keep believing...never give up. Strongholds can and will be broken.

Hobbies

Of the many changes in my life that I've gone through over the past few months has been in my hobbies. When I was not living with the Lord, I barely ever read my Bible, didn't give my wife the time with me she needed, and basically was a big kid playing World of Warcraft and other games. I had 4 different gaming stations!! I had no real life. So what do I do now?

Now, I spend alot of time in prayer. I also read alot now. I've picked up guitar and started learning it as well. These are all things that are much less time consuming in terms of addiction and in terms of living with priorities. Prayer is a priority, and will continue to be. These other hobbies are just things I like to do...not things I feel like I must do. Basically, for the the first time in my life, I'm balanced. The only thing missing now is my wife. I wish she could see me now. I want her to see how my entire life has been changed by God...even to the point where he's put new hobbies in my life.