Hope

I remember living each day without true hope. There was always doubt as to where I would be in 10 years. When I left the service, I left my security blanket and I could not for the life of me find a job. I was hopeless and spiraled into depression. Now its two years later, and wow has God changed my life. He's given me vision and a mission. Last night, God gave me a clarification on what his mission is for my life. While I'd love to just blurt it out right now, I think its a better idea to keep it between myself, God, and a few of my close friends for the time being. I can tell you one thing: God's vision for my life has given me hope. I no longer have to wonder how I'm going to be used. I'm going into the ministry for something great, and I'm so thankful for it. Praise God for giving those who are hopeless their hope. Without hope...without a purpose...we all fade. Thank you Lord for giving me hope both personally and professionally.

Happy Birthday

Today was my wife's birthday. I called her early and left her a message. I prayed for her and thought of her often today. I never thought it would be this hard, even months later. I find myself wondering how I could love someone after so long and after so many things have happened. I asked God about that today. I asked him if he knew all these things were going to happen, why would he have us marry? It wasn't but a second later when it hit me like a brick. This has taught me to love...and love unconditionally.

When this whole thing first happened, I remember talking to Gary about all how much it had hurt me. I remember pondering what she'd done to me and I acknowledged and asked for forgiveness from her for my mistakes, but I still managed to make it about me. Thats not how it works! What about her feelings? What about the effects of the mistakes I've made? There are so many things I wouldn't consider at first, but now with a clear view I can see just how hard it would have been for her to see how much I truly loved her.

However, thats changed... Every thought or concern I have for her is for her well-being and her feelings. I have had to see what life would be like without her to truly understand what it is to love. It's not about me...its about her.

My Dear, if you are taking the time to read...know that I do love you. Happy Birthday.

So What Happened?

A little over a week ago I asked anyone who reads this blog to pray for the life-changing choice I was making. I said I'd explain later so here goes: A few months ago while praying for my wife, I felt the Lord place our anniversary date, July 24th on my heart. I did not know why he put it there, but I claimed that date. I initially thought that it meant that my wife would be home by that date, but now I don't really know. You never really know what God has planned till he does it. Over the course of the next few months I kept praying, and I eventually got some news pertaining to my wife that broke me. I gave up on her and tried to move on with life.

However, the Lord was having none of that and dealt with me about my wife. He eventually laid out a plan for me that at first I could not believe. He put words in my heart for one last letter to send to her. It made it known how much I loved her, and just how proud I was of your time together. I also told her that I know we both need a resolution to this. So I told her that on July 24th, at 8:30 p.m. I'd be at the park and I'd wait there till 9:00 p.m. If she shows there are no expectations...just to talk and move from there. If she doesn't show, I gave her my word that papers would be in the mail the next morning. I'm not expecting a movie ending out of this or anything, but what I am hoping for is an opportunity to start again. I also know that the Lord is not for divorce, so I have to trust him when it comes to those papers. Either way, my future is forever altered by the choice I made. One thing I do know is that I obeyed the Lord.

A week after I was told to send her that letter, I went to where she works at to give it to her. I had let my little sister borrow my parking pass for the place and I asked her for it back so I could use it to park. However, when I went to find the pass, it was nowhere to be seen. So I decided to park in hospital parking. When I parked I walked just inside the doors and was thinking to myself, "Ok, she's either in her office or at breakfast, where do I go, and I wonder if there is any way I can give this to her alone." Just as I was thinking that, I turned the corner and there she was!!! I backed away for a moment and let her walk down towards the cafeteria, and just chuckled at how amazing God was. If I had parked where I was going to park then I never would have caught my wife where she was. I went to the cafeteria and actually went in to speak to her twice. Both times I got cold feet and scrambled out of there. At that point I prayed and submitted the situation to God. I told him I know he sent me and to give me the strength to go for it. At that moment my nerves went away and I went in, and yes I actually caught my wife alone! I got what I asked for!! We small-talked for a second and I left. I left thanking God for the opportunity. He ordered everything just right.

There were some things I noticed about my wife this time around. The anger that I used to feel coming off of her was gone. She actually looked, for an ever brief moment, like she was happy to see me. I wondered what was happening with her. I asked God a little bit later, and he gave me an amazing answer. In all of this I now know the situation is in God's hands. I'm trusting him to find the best resolution for us in this situation. Whatever happens July 24th, I will trust the Lord.

Lonely

Well, here we are...two posts in one day. Its a rarity, I know. Over the course of 7 months I've spent plenty of time alone. Before this, I was never really alone. I went from my parents house, to my grandmother's house, to a berthing with 87 other guys in it, to living with my wife. For someone who has always been around people it's very lonely. I sit here sometimes wanting to talk to someone, preferably my wife, but alas I'm alone. My prayer used to be that God would get me out of this loneliness. Now I'm asking him to use it as a time to teach me and show me what he wants me to see. I pray that I won't be alone on this earth till I die, but if I am, I know at least I'll walk with Jesus in my heart the entire way.

Underneath...

One of my favorite movies (and what I believe to be the best comic book movies ever made) is Batman Begins. During the movie the female lead, Rachel Dawes, tells the protagonist, Bruce Wayne, "It's not who you are underneath, but what you do that defines you." Later, when Rachel asks Batman who he is, he repeats it back to her. Believe it or not, that quote from a comic book movie correlates directly with the Christian walk. While we can't do anything to earn our salvation we still have a responsibility to live a life that represents our savior well.

During those years where I basically did what I wanted to do that would include many times where I would lose my temper with someone in the car (yes....road rage. Hulk Smash! j/k), Or maybe I'd do something underhanded at work to get back at someone treating me poorly. I believed in God underneath, but what did that accomplish when I failed to represent him out in the open?

Even now, as I'm walking with the Lord, I need to constantly remember that as Christians, we have to act like it. We have to be the people of God we are told to be in James. We have to be the best examples for living in this world. Sometimes its by our example that someone asks about Jesus. However, sometimes the examples we see on television about Christians are the wrong ones. Anyone remember the person who bombed an abortion clinic in Florida years ago in the name of God? That memory has stuck with me. It's not the Christian that hides underneath that defines us, but our every day walk with the Lord.

For more on this, the book of James (especially chapters 1 and 2) is an outstanding source.

Validation

With today being Father's Day, I want to wish my dad a Happy Father's Day. When I was growing up my dad worked his tail off to provide for us, and I didn't really get the time I needed with him. We had separate interests and we just didn't get along. I joined the Service wanting to make him proud, and until today, I didn't know that I did. I was actually on the phone with him this afternoon when he told me that he was proud of the man that I'd become. It was an unexpected validation from him.

Pastor Konan actually spoke about validation today in church and the need that children have to be validated by their fathers. There was definitive truth in his statements that fathers are the gatekeepers for what is allowed into their children's lives. While I have no children and a marriage that, for the time being, is broken, I want to close any doors in my life that can lead someone down a path to which they should not travel. This morning, when I went up to the altar for prayer, this is what I asked God for. In the end, I'm seeking His validation. It was nice to hear from my dad how proud he is of me, but the true validation I want is from my Lord. He is the Father of all Fathers and his face is what I seek.

Please keep me in prayer as over the next day I take action in my life that will forever change my direction. I'm trusting the Lord on this, and certainly taking a leap of faith. I'll explain more later.

Late

Well, I'm late writing for many reasons. Most of the reasons probably aren't good enough. Here's my thoughts:

- My sister is still recovering. It turns out what happened to her was caused by the doctor she went to. Her sickness did not actually cause it. We're watching her closely. The entire family has grown much closer after that.

- My marriage is still as it was before. I'm still praying...even though I've struggled more recently. It's hard to have faith in a miracle when there are no signs of one. But then again...thats why its called faith.

- I fell recently. I made the decision to stand up instead of stay down. I can't fathom life away from the Lord and if I stay down...thats what happens.

- Pastor Jay Alford, from Youngstown, Ohio died a couple weeks ago. I'll tell you this: I've never met a more authentic preacher then this man. I'm glad to have been part of his church as a child. He was a gentle speaker, but the words God blessed him with would penetrate your very being. I'm happy to celebrate his passing just because I know he is probably hugging Jesus right now.

Its weird...life is filled with so much uncertainty right now....yet I feel peace. Thank you, Lord.