Happenings..

Well, my sister has pulled through for the time being. Thank you for your prayers. We're watching her closely.
I have other thoughts to post...but now just isn't the time. Maybe later tonight....maybe tomorrow. I just know I almost lost my sister. I'm thankful the Lord finds ways to step in. So thankful.

Pray

Please pray for my sister if you happen upon this page. She is in emergency surgery at the moment. Thank you.

Strength

My sister, Diana, has suffered from both Crohn's Disease and Colitis since we were in high school. In fact we almost lost her my senior year. For the past decade she has fought these diseases while still having 3 children under her roof. I wish I could tell you that she's made perfect choices in life, but that would be a lie considering the only person who ever made perfect choices in life was Jesus. I really wish I could tell you that sometimes when I've seen her sick that I've been able to remain compassionate towards her, but the truth is I've failed there too. Today I got word that Diana is in the hospital again. Her disease has damaged her colon so badly that doctors say it looks like it was shredded by Freddie Krueger. They don't really know what to do with her now and as her brother, I really don't know what to do either, except pray and ask for prayer for her. So if you can, please do.

In all of this, I don't think I've met someone with the God-given strength and resilience that my sister has. She is a survivor and a fighter. He has upheld her in his hand for years now. Hopefully one day the strength he has given her will be used to help others. I have to believe it will.

Tragedy

I remember being a teenager and my favorite musician or band was not Pearl Jam, Nirvana, or Will Smith (you know before he went Independence Day and all), but it was Steven Curtis Chapman. I loved and still do love his music. I grew up singing his songs in church and even did a couple dramas in church based on them as well. Recently when his song "Cinderella" came out I thought, "Wow, what a beautiful song," but this week with news that his youngest little girl was killed in a car accident the song seems almost bittersweet. Gary Fowler also lost a daughter a few years back, and when I've seen him talk about it, you can still see just that itch or longing he has for his little girl. I also lost a brother who was just a few minutes old. Life seems to be, at times, a tragedy. Why do these things happen? Why does a loving God allow such a faithful man like Steven Curtis Chapman lose his precious angel? Unfortunately none of us have that answer. When you think of all the people who died in the recent earthquake in China or the suffering that took place in New Orleans a few years ago, or even the starving people in Africa at this very moment sometimes its hard not to turn your head and blame God. Divorce, sickness, death...

However, I can tell you this: in spite of all these tragedies it is not God's fault, but he does grieve with us. While it's probably little consolation to the Chapman family and all the others I've mentioned today we do have one promise from God, among his many others, to cling to: "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Romans 8:28 King Jimmy Version

God does use these tragedies for good in the long term if we choose him. He isn't to blame, but he does love us enough to care for us in our hour of need. I can speak from the experiences of the past 7 months to prove that. To those who are hurting: you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Commitments

This past Sunday I was baptized in water at my church. I actually debated it for weeks and actually scratched my name off the list at one point before turning around and adding it again. I was very young when I was first baptized and I didn't know if I could get baptized again. Tradition would generally say once. However, I walked without the Lord for years. Also when I was first baptized I did not understand what the true commitment to him was that I was making. Now I understand what it is to pick up my cross. Its meant being accused, attacked, and in some cases, abandoned. I didn't understand it when I was young. That is why I wanted to do it a second time. When Pastor Konan mentioned that we could, I jumped at it. I wanted to reaffirm my faith in front of some of the very people who had seen me at my worst in the past 7 months. Pastor Konan himself noted during the baptism that he remembered meeting me in a coffee house last August and seeing the hard feelings I had towards the church and that it was great to see what the Lord has done in me since that day. I was actually very shocked he took the time to mention it, but at the same time I was happy to hear it. I realize that my commitment to the Lord has bared some fruit. I'm walking a walk that others see and that is a witness in itself.
I've made my commitment to the Lord. The line is drawn in the sand for me.

Forward

Seven months of retrospection have taught me something...that retrospecting is doing nothing but holding me back (or keeping me backward). For months, I've stood in faith, believing in a miracle for my marriage. For months, I've remembered good times and mourned over my mistakes. Where has it gotten me? Well, I still believe in that miracle, but I now truly understand what free will is. In mourning over mistakes I never truly forgave myself, and allowed others to lord them over me as a way to validate their own choices. I remember writing that post over a month ago about forgiving myself, and I've realized that if I had truly forgiven myself, I wouldn't torture myself about all the goofy things I did.

Its time I faced the truth - I made mistakes, but I'm forgiven. There is nothing or NO ONE that can hold that over my head any more. Recently, I learned that my name has been disparaged to members of the family and it hurt. My mistakes were twisted and used to justify another person's ill-advised choices. I had someone accuse me of horrible wretched things based on the words of another without that person even taking the time to ask me the truth. Does this mean I was innocent...no. At the very least, I'm a man who was guilty of poor timing. However, I stand before God a man that has been held accountable by him and forgiven for his sins. No more will I allow Satan or anyone else tell me how horrible a person I am because I made
mistakes. My sins are wiped clean.

Today, I move forward. Let anyone say what they want about me. Let anyone use gossip, assumptions, and opinions to say what they want about me. God knows my heart and he knows the truth. I can no longer be held accountable for mistakes that have been repented for and corrected. One day God will expose all the truths in my current situation, and I will be vindicated...in fact, I already am. I move forward today looking at a brighter future. I move forward knowing that Jesus died for me, and its my responsibility to pick up my cross. I move forward today knowing one thing... I'm free.

Marked

Have you ever noticed that we're marked by our experiences? The way we think changes, sometimes for the worse, sometimes for the better. The way we operate changes. Our memories can effect us as well. It seems to be the case with me too. It more like I've either marked myself, been marked by others, or just plain marked by God. In fact, have you ever seen pictures of a person who has been cutting themselves? Thats what I feel I look spiritually. It seems I'm marked up throughout my body from all of life's experiences. It's like every time I go to a place my wife and I frequented or think of a time where we were in joy not dissension, I re-cut that mark.

Well yesterday's message at church was about legacies, and what type of legacy will we leave behind. I understand now that many of those marks are my legacy, and I just want God to use them for his glory. I'm hopeful that the Lord will use memories and experiences to build the character required to leave behind a legacy for all of those I touch. I hope my marks become beacons of light for those who are lost or brokenhearted.

Thoughts

Well the last week has been interesting. It's also been a struggle. However something I saw this morning got me thinking. My friend Gary and I were supposed to meet at Cup O Joe this morning to sit down and talk. We haven't had that opportunity to sit and talk for awhile and I was looking forward to it. However, as I was rolling over to go to sleep last night I did not realize that today was today and I forgot to change the alarm clock. I got a text from him and I immediately remembered. I felt horrible, and I asked for forgiveness. Right away he came back with forgiveness. Now Gary is married with children. He has his responsibilities at church and yet was taking time to adjust his schedule to meet with me. I can understand him being completely perturbed at me, and yet he forgave me in seconds. My respect for this man grew even more by his response. I'm thankful for my friend. I'm thankful for the forgiveness he gave me. When I think of all the unforgiveness I've seen in recent months its a blessing to see such a wonderful gesture.

This also reminded me of something else: I'm so worn out that I forgot what day it was. I used to do that alot when I was in the service, but I had my wife to keep me on my toes. Now I'm alone. I have to make myself slow down and remember to rest in the Lord. We all have to slow down.

I saw an article today about divorce that Gary wrote on his blog. It breaks my heart to see it. I hate divorce. I hate it with a passion as I'm heading through it. My thoughts are with these people.