What are People's Perception of Me?

I wonder what people see in me. I mean when they actually spend time with me. I used to have a spirit that would manipulate a situation, to try and control things, or to turn it in my favor. Yesterday in the midst of all the hurt surrounding some news that I got, I made a mistake. I blurted it out to someone who did not need to hear it...and really no one did. I tend to say that I think...and it becomes gossip. It turned the reason I had for calling that person, which by the way was something completely different, into a supposed attempt to, yup you guessed it, manipulate and control the situation. That wasn't the truth. But because I made the mistake, and I guess I've made the mistake a couple times lately of gossiping in a moment of grief, that person perceived my intentions as disruptive and hurtful, when in reality, I was trying to show that person love.

This is something I desperately need to work with God on. I don't want people to take a view of me that I'm a hypocritical zealot who talks about God's love yet sows, however inadvertantly, harm and discontent. Thats not who I am now. I stand for the cross. I live a life for the Lord now, but that does not mean I don't sin. I'm still flawed just like the rest of us, so please, if you have the time say a prayer for the person I hurt and maybe even throw in an entry with the Lord for me. I want to be seen as someone representing that shining city upon a hill and not someone who does not show God's love.

Alpha and Omega Enterprises

Well...despite of the hurtful news I shared earlier, I want to share this with you. Over the course of the past few months, the Lord has put in my heart to start a business. I tried to get going with a financial company, but because of my job it was something I could not do, however this new opportunity has been placed in my lap...and I've decided to faithfully go for it. So introducing Alpha and Omega Enterprises. This franchise working with Quixtar and LTD is meant to serve God's glory. This is my heart...especially as I'm hurting, to give hope to others. How do I plan on doing this? Well, I've decided to give 40 percent of the profits from the business to a ministry. I'm still praying about it, but I have it on my heart as to what its going to be. I'm going to discuss it with my pastor soon, and when I do I'll post it here, as well as letting you all know how you can take part and actually letting you know what this business does. My plan is to give 40 percent to start, and then build from there giving more as the Lord blesses it more. I ask for those of you that pray, to pray for it. Lord-willing, some of you will be customers soon too. :)

Betrayed

Its said that God doesn't allow things in your life that you can't handle...at least with him anyways. I guess in the coming days I'll learn the truth. Today I discovered that I've been betrayed by someone dear to me. There is so much anger and pain there at the moment, but yet I must now make a choice: Trust God or not. Throughout this ordeal, I believe I've been faithful to my Lord, and he has blessed me. But everyday it seems to get worse...how much pain must I endure? How much do I have to deal with? Do I stand the gap and continue to pray for this person? Or do I give up and walk away? I've let go and let God...and yet it seems to get worse. I dare to ask how much worse it can get. I will say this...please just pray for this person. I will never accept judgment from anyone for we've all fallen short. Please...just pray.

Meanwhile, I learn that a friend is struggling...and needs me. Oh Lord, how do I help someone when I need help too? How do I stand tall and keep my head high? I feel alone and abandoned, betrayed and destroyed. Oh God...help me...Jesus...help me. I can't do this alone. All of this being said...my God has done amazing things in my life in the past 7 months. I am content even with this loss...I do believe there is hope. Father, I choose to trust you.

Mortality

This may sound foolish (and it is) or even naive (which it is), but there was a time when I was not walking the Lord where I'd think, "Ok, if something is about to happen to me, I'll get right with the Lord." Something is definitely wrong with that picture. It's as if I magically thought that in a split second I could reconcile with God and eternity would be popcorn and puppies. The truth is that it's really about your heart anyways, and if I was even able to get something out to Jesus before I passed from this world it would have depended on my heart. Would it have been sincere or a way of avoiding hell? Regardless in many cases people just don't get that opportunity.

I got word today that my wife's aunt was killed in a car wreck sometime between this past Friday and Saturday night. Apparently her car swerved to miss a motorcyclist and wrecked. I'm not certain if it was instant. I don't have all the details, but what I do know it was quick. Now I have no idea how my wife is dealing with this news, but what I can tell you is that it makes me feel so very mortal to know I can be gone in the blink of an eye. I don't know where her aunt is right now and I think thats a sad thing to say. I hope she was right with the Lord before she passed. I guess the question I have for you is if the same thing happened to you and lets just say you didn't have that final opportunity to get straight with the Lord, where would you go if you died?

I'm so glad I answered the Lord's call. I'll never have to wonder about that question again and I urge you to make it so that you never have to answer that question. We get one shot in this world. There is no way around it. God's Word makes it clear and there is no way we can twist it: We get one shot. Make it count.

"For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord"

Romans 6:23

Peace

The past few years of my life have been turmoil. I walked away from God, left the service, had all of my personal struggles including weight gain, depression, sin, and lost the love of my life. But yet as I've turned to Jesus, and put my complete trust and faith in him, there is this peace in my heart that I've never felt, even in my years with the Lord as a teenager. I don't know what is going to happen with me, nor do I know what my destiny on this earth is, but I do know that God has me in the palm of my hand. I do know that my savior is holding me up. He's making me unshakable, and I'm finally at peace. Praise God.

When a Brother Falls...

I have a friend that I've grown very close to over the course of my trial. His situation in life is similar to mine, he took on some of the very same goals as I did, and we both generally formed a brotherhood over the course of the past 5 months. About a month ago he started to crawl into a shell and push his friends away. As we are both in similar situations, I saw this as a bad sign, but he would not talk to me, wouldn't return calls (I felt like an ex-girlfriend or something), and he canceled times when we were supposed to hang out. I started to feel rejected as a friend, as if I'd done something wrong. I started to feel left again...the way I felt when my wife and I separated. So I started to protect myself and called him to let him know I would know longer attend a mutual engagement that we both took part in. He told me he expected that, asked how I was, and told me nothing more. We hung up.

Immediately I felt convicted to call him back, and when I did call him back something good happened. He came forward and expressed that he had fallen away in the past month. That he was not walking with the Lord and he didn't know how to get himself to get back. He shared himself for an hour, and it wound up opening up a door that was closing. I was able to be there for my brother when he fell. I know the Lord is working with him in his dark hour, and I'm thankful that God enabled me to be sensitive enough for my friend to be ready to help. So as I close, the question I have for you is when a brother or sister falls, are you ready and willing to help pick them up? I pray that when the opportunity comes again, that I'll answer the call...again.

Letting Go...

Most men are problem solvers...at least so we are taught. When the going gets tough, thats when we shine...thats the rumor. For the past 5 months now, I've been the problem solver. I've been the one seeking resolution....trusting God yes, but sometimes not enough to just let it go.
Today, I got an email from my wife that simply broke me down. Now faced with a decision...I've chosen to walk away and just let God be God. Sometimes men can't be the problem solver. Sometimes men can't fix the leaky drain pipe. But God can. So today I'm choosing to walk away. I'm choosing to put my hammer and nails down and walk away. I think I'll read a book...maybe pray a bunch...and just live. God wants us to live right? He wants us to simply trust him right? Well...I choose to trust him with my wife...this marriage...my hopes and dreams. I can't repair this...he can. I can't. I let go.

Living Life...

As we grow closer to God and learn just how much he loves us it also becomes apparent how much he wants us to enjoy the life he blessed us with. Life isn't easy...we face trials every day, some big and some small, but none of them are meaningless to God. As such, it's important to remember the things that God has blessed us. His love is insurmountable, and he wants us to live life in that love...sharing that joy and freedom that he gives us with other people. Live life...keep your head up, and stay strong. We are meant to live life in God.