Code of the Warrior

The Guitar

2012-02-15T02:48:00.000-05:00

Photo credit: T.J., Wikimedia Commons

I once had this beautiful guitar. I bought it from my brother-in-law when I was at Ohio State, but I decided to put aside learning how to play it until I finished school. Unfortunately, that never happened. Just two weeks before I graduated from college, my wife left me. A couple weeks later, I felt an impression upon my heart to return the guitar to her brother. I believed it was the Lord telling me what to do, so I fulfilled the request.

The only problem was that I didn't want to give it back. I had already lost my wife, so why should I have to lose the guitar too? I was in a lot of pain, and the guitar would have been the perfect outlet for that pain. It hurt me to give it up. I didn't understand why the Lord wanted me to return it to her brother (I still don't know), but it left me feeling even more empty than before.

A couple weeks later, I went home to visit my family for Christmas. I was completely miserable. It was my first Christmas in years without my wife, and I was as lonely as I could be. I spent hours a day tearing myself down while everyone else was trying to support me. Nothing my family tried to do would work. There was no joy...no happiness...no hope.

When Christmas morning came around, I watched the family open gifts without much interest. Then my mother handed me a large box. As I unwrapped the present, she told me how Joel 2:25-26 kept running through her mind as she contemplated buying the gift. In the verse, God says the following: "I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten--the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm--my great army that I sent among you." (NIV)

I found a brand new guitar inside the large box. I burst into tears as I embraced my mother. I couldn't believe that what I had lost just days earlier had now been returned to me. Joy filled my heart at the gift that I knew that God had provided for me. Even though I never fully learned how to play the instrument, I spent many nights sitting with it in my arms passing the time away. When I practiced on it, everything else moved into the background. In those moments, I remembered how much God loves me. He literally re-paid me what was taken from me, and God did it in a way that made me feel important to Him.

I now believe that the guitar was meant to symbolize something else. I think God was telling me that everything else that I had lost would be returned to me. It's been four years since that Christmas, and I can tell you that the Lord has more than restored what I have lost. He's given me something greater. I'm re-married to a woman who I know will never give up on me, even when my own insecurities get in the way. We have a home together that's ours alone. Finally, we have a home church that loves us.

As I sit here this morning, I realize that I'm a blessed man. Despite all of my imperfections, God has blessed me. I know that sometimes I'm too blind to see it, but that doesn't change what he's done for me. It started out as a guitar, but it's grown into something far more wonderful than I could ever imagine.

What does it mean to be a Christian?

2011-11-23T22:55:00.001-05:00

If you're a Christian, you have one responsibility above all others: Love God. How do we love God? Love His people. Jesus Christ loved people (believers or not) so much that he gave up his life for all of humanity. If being a Christian means that I spend my days shouting at people in judgment instead of loving them, then I want no part in it. Thankfully, that's not what Christianity is, but what some people make it out to be.

With this in mind, I've decided to write about a book about what it means to be a Christian. It's been on my heart for awhile, and I think it's the right thing to do. By writing this book, I hope to reach people not because I think I'm special or better than anyone else, but because I'm just as flawed as everyone else.

What is my purpose?

2011-10-23T23:48:00.000-04:00

The biggest question I've been struggling to answer in the past four years is "Who am I and what is my purpose?" I've fallen back on the passions that have been in my heart since childhood to help me stand, but now I wonder if there isn't more for me to do. I love to write, and I'm hungry to get in the classroom and help mold young people, but I'm still restless. I hear my Master's call, but I can't quiet my mind enough to figure out what He's saying. Well, that's not entirely true.

Almost a year ago, I stopped writing the book I was working on. I was actually close to finishing it. Well, I was almost done with the first draft anyways. I put it down because I was scared of it. I also allowed sports writing and school work get in the way. Yet, it lingers in the back of head. It calls out for me to finish it. Moreover, it calls out for to seek God's face, which I need to do more of. I need to be more open about my walk with Christ. Most of my writer friends probably have no clue that I'm a Christian.

I guess in all of this confusion in my head, there is so much I don't understand. If there are all of these different passions in my heart, what is my true purpose? What am I designed to do? What am I supposed to do? I'm about to turn 33, and I feel like I'm starting over brand-new.

While I wait for these answers my prayer is that God will make me into a man after his own heart. Father, please do this work in me. Make me into a loving, caring, patient husband. Purify my heart, and make me new every day. Through you alone can I find my way.

Amen

Five Months Later…

2011-10-16T00:07:00.000-04:00

It’s been five months since I’ve written here. It’s not because I didn’t want to write, or because I found better things to do. I simply found more things to do. Here is a look at the past 180 days in the life of Derek Ciapala.

A. I finished my first semester at Xavier in May. All three of the classes were for my language arts licensure, and they all were my biggest challenges thus far in graduate school. I’ve always been an avid reader, but I’ve never spent as time with my nose in a book as I did last spring.

B. I started freelance writing last February. Since then, I’ve become a featured contributor for the Yahoo Contributor Network for sports. I specialize in international Soccer and mixed martial arts, but I also write NCAA and NFL football, MLB, NHL, MLS, and fantasy football. The Lord has blessed me with the opportunity to write about what I love, and I’m very grateful for it.

C. Summer classes were easier, but still time consuming. Jenn and I have been struggling to find time together ever since. Writing didn’t become a problem until I was forced to start writing more…and why did I need to start writing more? That leads me to…

D. In June, JPMorgan informed our office that the transfer agency has sub-contracted out to U.S. Bank, and that we were all losing our jobs in November. They later pushed it back to December. December 31 will be my last as a JPMorgan employee. Jenn and I see this as an opportunity for me to finally reset after what’s been a rough few years. I’m going to finish school and keep writing to help support us. However, I’m concerned that I’ll need to find more work.

E. Throughout all of these changes, I’ve struggled to really keep my walk with the Lord. There are so many distractions that seem to demand not just my attention, but Jenn’s attention. We definitely need some prayer backup.

Overall, our faith is being stretched and molded each day. Thanks for reading. I’ll check in more often.

Why am I doing this?

2011-05-14T01:07:00.002-04:00

Ever since I started Grad school, I've wondered why on earth the Lord would have me do this. The English classes were more than I bargained for, and quite frankly, I would have rather been at home with Jenn. However, I was reminded of the Lord's reasons this week when I began my first class in the education portion of my masters/licensure section. Both days I've been to class this term have done nothing but excite me. Thanks, Father! It was a nice reminder.

The Struggling Man

2011-03-22T13:07:00.001-04:00

When I went through my divorce, one of the first issues I had to deal with was how to be the godly man a wife needs. The truth is I failed miserably in many aspects of that marriage, and now that I’m remarried I struggle to figure out what to do in many situations. Sometimes I can’t decide what to do. I just sit there paralyzed, trying to figure out what action to take. What do I say, what do I do? How do I do what’s best for Jenn to show her love?

A husband’s love is supposed to be sacrificial according to the Bible, but what do you do in situations where making the sacrifice feels like you’re doing more harm than good? I know, I know, prayer is supposed to be the answer, but to be honest, sometimes I pray and I don’t feel as though I’m getting an answer. Of course, I know that isn’t true. I guess in many ways I’m just struggling under the responsibility of being the husband that God calls me to be. I’m afraid of failure. I don’t want to ever hold Jenn back from God or anything that she’s driven to do. As always, prayers are appreciated.

And So It Goes...

2011-02-25T23:43:00.002-05:00

It's been awhile since I've checked in though you'd think it was because of my grad school schedule, or maybe because it's tax season and we're overloaded at work. I'd like to say that's all it is, but truthfully I've been lazy with the blog. Not that it really matters because it's my blog anyways and who really cares if I write? Yet, the truth is I miss sitting in front of my computer thinking of interesting things to say about God. I guess I've been in a dry spell.

I suppose it's because I've let other things in my way of late. I haven't really worked out how to balance God with marriage, job, and school. I can't blame it on the freelance work I've been doing, because it never really takes me long to write anyways. The truth is just that I haven't been pressing in on the Lord like I should be.

The past 36 hours have been a reminder to me that despite the fact that I struggle to remain faithful in my relationship with Christ, He never fails to remain faithful in his relationship for me. When I had my fender bender yesterday it felt like the world was crashing down on me, yet no one was hurt, the damage on my car was manageable, and I had plenty of people who showed me grace including Jenn and our friends. These people are people who the Lord has brought into my life for a reason. In the end, Jenn and those friends pointed me towards the Lord.

In other news:
A. School is coming along. I have plenty of reading to keep me busy and my papers are coming up soon. Spring break is coming up and I'm looking forward to getting ahead those days.

B. As I mentioned earlier, I've started freelancing. So far I've written three sports articles and two articles about the shuttle program. Here's the link: http://contributor.yahoo.com/user/963492/derek_ciapala.html

C. We could really use some prayers for our finances. We're trying to get everything straight and we've worked hard, but every day life tends to get in everyone's way and we're no different.

My prayer for tonight is simple. I just want him to make me a better man. For all of David's flaws, God called David a 'man after his own heart.' Well, that's what I want to be. I want God to describe me the same way.

Challenger

2011-01-28T12:13:00.004-05:00

On January 28, 1986, Americans sat in front of televisions in their homes, at work, or in other places and watched as the space shuttle Challenger exploded just minutes after lift-off. America’s edge in the ‘space race’ suddenly was in doubt, and the dreams of so many young kids who wanted to be astronauts were vanquished in fear that we’d never go back to space again. There was something mystical about America’s journey to space, and to have a program that many people saw as invulnerable and a symbol of American hope go up in a ball of flame stunned us all. The lives of the Challenger astronauts were lost, but we all fell into the ocean with them.

I remember that day. I’ll never forget hearing the news while on a California playground. I remember coming home that night and watching on the news with fascination as videos of the launch played over and over again. I couldn’t fathom what happened. It shocked me to my core. I loved the space program. I loved reading about it, and I certainly never forgot the night when all of us sat as a family around the television and watched “Space Camp.” I wanted to go to space. That was my dream, and for a moment it was dashed.

On February 10, 1986, Time Magazine published an article by Ed Magnuson that held me in my chair. I pored over the article, grieving in my heart over what had happened. Of course, the cover of the issue had the image of the explosion on it, and I couldn’t look away. What had happened? Months later, the magazine published a report explaining the Roger’s Commission’s findings about the shuttle explosion. As the article explained the Commission’s findings, I sat engrossed doing all that I could in my eight-year-old brain to understand what had happened. When I set the article down, I realized something. My dream hadn’t died; in fact, I was fascinated even more by space, space travel, the stars and planets, and anything else that might be out there. The Challenger tragedy did something in me that I couldn’t fathom: it focused me on the wonders of what might be out there.

I went to school and started reading everything I could about space and the planets. I sat in science class in awe of what we learned about the rings of Jupiter and the ice planet named Pluto. I pondered the possibilities of life on Mars, and what might really be going on in that big glowing ball in the sky known as the Sun. Years later, I’m still fascinated. I love to watch the night sky and search for its wonders. It still fascinates me to watch a shuttle launch. It represents humanity’s drive to shoot for the stars, and to resiliently press on. The destruction of the Challenger shuttle and the deaths of its crew were not in vain. They galvanized me and people like me to keep dreaming even when things go wrong. Sometimes we will fail, but we must try again. It’s about living the dream and pursuing what God made us for, and when we fail we just need try again. On September 29, 1988, a long thirty-three months after the Challenger disaster, space shuttle Discovery returned to space and again carried the hopes of the American nation to see the stars. Sometimes it’s not about our successes, but about our failures and how we respond to them.

The Line of the King

2011-01-26T12:52:00.001-05:00

I was studying Esther this morning and found an interesting verse that I hadn’t caught before. In chapter two, verse five, it says:

Now there was in the citadel of Susa a Jew of the tribe of Benjamin, named Mordecai son of Jair, the son of Shimei, the son of Kish. (NIV)

This verse caught my attention because the former king Saul was a Benjamite and the son of Kish. I did some looking around on Wikipedia and found that the Talmud, a translated text from Aramiac of the Hebrew Bible, lists Saul in Mordecai’s list. Now portions of the Talmud are noted to be embellished or apocryphal, so I’m not going to outright say that Mordecai is a direct descendant of Saul. I’ll let the scholars answer that for me, but at the very least Mordecai is a distant relation to Saul. I do believe that the Bible is purposeful of everything it has written in it and therefore I believe what the Talmud says and that Mordecai was a direct descendant of King Saul.

The interesting note to all of this is that most of Saul’s family was destroyed after his death. They were basically cursed, and yet here is a man, hundreds of years later, who is related to Saul and quite possibly in his line, that was used by God to save His people in a foreign land. How graceful is our God to not turn his back on Saul’s descendants forever, but to use them and bring them hope and a future? As a result, God brings about a measure of redemption for Saul’s line, maybe even for the sake of Jonathan. Who knows?

(Reference to Mordecai on Wikipedia.)

News, Notes, and Other Stuff

2011-01-12T00:28:00.000-05:00

Just a few notes from a rather eventful weekend:

A. The shooting in Arizona is disturbing on many levels. Already many citizens complain that our Representatives and Senators are distant from them, and now I have to think that elected officials will be even more concerned about setting up in town hall-like settings. It’s dangerous.

It’s sad that our society has come to this. Now we have mentally unstable people who resort to violence in an effort to get their point across. It happened in 1994 with McVeigh, 2000 with Columbine, and now 2011 with an assassination attempt on a Congresswoman. What can be done to stem the tide? What can be done to stop senseless actions that serve no purpose?

By most accounts, Rep. Giffords has been a good congresswoman for her district, and it’s sad that now she battles for her life. It’s even worse that other bystanders gave up their lives, too. A nine-year old girl? A federal judge? Others whose only crime was simply being there? It’s a sad weekend for our country. I don’t care if you’re Democrat or Republican, Tea-Party or Ultra liberal, moderate or conservative. None of that should matter now. All that matters is the lives lost, and hearts broken by violence.

B. Jenn and her dad did a great job working in the house last week. They managed to paint the big loft-hole up from the living room ceiling to the bedroom and the entry hallway/stairwell in our condo. What makes it particularly special is why she did it: she did it for me. The main reason she wanted to paint was to help make the condo more of a home for me. She wanted something a little more “us.” I’ve yet to take part in the painting itself as she and her dad had things well in hand by the time I’d get home, but they did a great job. They worked hard. I look forward to helping Jenn with the office, two bathrooms, kitchen, and our bedroom in the coming weekends. It’ll be slow with me studying and all, but we’ll get it done.

C. The Buckeyes’ win in the Sugar Bowl last week was bittersweet for me. I’m not one of these people who are crushing the Buckeyes’ football program, but it does disappoint me that the five suspended players were allowed to play. I’m glad they do face punishment, but I don’t like that Ohio State had to throw their compliance department under the bus to protect players that knew better. I don’t like how some people are trashing OSU’s program as a whole. The program itself is not guilty, as far as we can tell, of paying players or paying for players. It’s not guilty of any recruiting violations that we are aware of. Yet I saw some people calling for major penalties to be leveled against the program. Really? Seriously? The players themselves made the mistakes, and low-class mistakes that they were, the OSU football program headed by Gene Smith and Jim Tressel did not commit those mistakes. The mistake I think they did make was allowing the kids to play in the bowl. Still, they are suspended for five games. I hope they all come back to school and keep their word to Coach Tressel, but we’ll see.

D. Great playoff games this past weekend, especially on Saturday.

E. School starts tomorrow. I’ve spent the past couple weeks trying to relax and get my mind ready, but it doesn’t feel like I am. I better get ready in a hurry, though! The next couple of months are going to be tough. The three classes I’m signed up for my first semester at Xavier are ENG 525, Shakespeare (oh boy), ENG 550 Images of America (modern film in literature, which, I come to find out, is not really all that modern), and ENG 672 Modern Drama. This means tons of reading, probably lots of papers, and loads of time. I’m still working full-time so I’ve got a full plate, and I admit it’s intimidating.

F. Jenn and I both have re-committed ourselves to eating properly and managing a good healthy weight. We both have marathons to plan for this year, and she has her Ironman race in November, so there is a lot of work to do this year. Here’s to making dreams come true.

Unexpected

2011-01-03T18:24:00.000-05:00

Today’s been one of those days where I just haven’t felt right. Actually, I haven’t felt right since the day before Christmas. Christmas has never been one of those joyous times of year for me, and this year was no exception. A good portion of it was my fault, and even though I’ve apologized for my mistakes and asked Christ for forgiveness, I haven’t been myself since. New Year’s came and went with little excitement, and this morning, while Jenn and my father-in-law are at home painting the house, I left for work feeling a bit lost and unloved. I continued to feel this way through lunch, but it just so happened that a little brightness came my way soon after.

The first call I took after getting back from lunch was an elderly man asking for information about him and his wife’s accounts. I verified their information, helped them with their issue, and at the end of the call something the old man said something I didn’t expect. He said, “You have a nice afternoon, and Jesus loves you.” A frustrating and rather depressing day changed completely from that moment on. Sometimes just being reminded that my savior loves me is all I need to know that everything is right in the world. It amazes me that God finds ways even in every day situations to tell us He loves us.

Thoughts – November 30, 2010

2010-11-30T13:27:00.002-05:00

I haven’t blogged in awhile, but I figure it’s time to write something. It’s an interesting world we live in this holiday season. The economy is fluttering, sports politics are growing more confounding, and yes, the threat of war is becoming more of a reality than I think people realize. Here’s what’s been on my mind:

North Korea – In Bill Clinton’s autobiography “My Life,” he listed North Korea as a higher threat than Iraq. Many people didn’t take that seriously, but I think, in hindsight, he was right. This year the North Koreans allegedly sunk a South Korean ship, and this past weekend they fired on a South Korean island, injuring and killing civilians. They say American-South Korean exercises in the region are provoking war, but in reality, it’s they who are consistently acting to provoke war in the Koreas. It should not surprise anyone if war breaks out at this point, and anyone who thinks the United States would not be a part of it is crazy.
Speaking of North Korea, I think the whole WikiLeaks thing is ridiculous and disturbing. What these clowns at WikiLeaks think to be telling the truth is really undermining diplomatic relations with other countries. What good does that do? I hope the Americans responsible for leaking the information are finally found and prosecuted under the maximum strength of the law. There’s a reason these documents were classified. It’s repulsive to me to see a group so carelessly release information like this.
President Obama proposed freezing the pay of federal workers yesterday for two years. I wouldn’t have a problem with this if President Obama, congress, and all the employees in his cabinet also had their pay frozen. Their ability to use federal funds to take vacations on the government’s tab should be halted as well. The rest of us have to pay for our own vacations, so should the President and the rest of the government regardless of what party they are in. However, none of this should be happening until Congress cuts back spending first. People shouldn’t be forced to live by a standard because the government that is supposed to be serving us overspends drastically. Fix your own house first, and then ask others to make changes. It doesn’t make sense to place burdens on others when you haven’t solved the root issue. Stop spending. This, combined with stopping Bush-era tax cuts, would hurt the President, not help him. The President and the members of the United States government need to stop treating its citizens as though we are here to serve them. On the contrary, they are elected to serve us.
I’ll be very surprised if the United States wins its bid to host the 2022 World Cup on Thursday. They have the best infrastructure to host it, and it made FIFA a ton of money when it hosted the 1994 World Cup, but I honestly believe there is a lot of political garbage going on in the background with FIFA. I’ve come to realize that FIFA is about as corrupt as the IOC is, and that’s not saying much. Don’t be surprised to see Qatar hosting the cup in 2022. It’s a shame really because to everyone’s shock and amazement, the country that spent the most money traveling to South Africa this year for the World Cup was the United States. There is no doubt in my mind that Americans would spend large amounts of their hard-earned money on a World Cup hosted on their soil.
I failed to reach my goal of writing fifty thousand words for my novel in November. I just got too busy, and to be honest, I’ve really struggled with writer’s block of late. Trying to weave a good story together is harder than I thought. And actually, I fear it will be terrible (though my wife continues to have confidence in my ability to make this project a success).
A friend of mine gave her life back to the Lord recently. I must say I’m so excited to see God work on someone’s heart. If we ever doubt that God is real or maybe debate over His love for us, we only need to take a careful look at what He can do with the human heart. His miracles never cease.
Married life is among the most wonderful gifts God can give, but I have to admit, it’s frustrating. But it’s not Jenn that frustrates me. She’s not perfect by any means; she is human after all, but I love her the way she is. However, I’m frustrated with myself. I don’t understand why I do some of the things I do, and I struggle to grasp how she can keep loving a guy that has all these internal issues that go on all the time.

I'll Race You

2010-10-24T21:43:00.001-04:00

Yesterday, I competed in the Cincinnati Half-Marathon. It was my first half-marathon, and to be honest, while some people say they love this stuff, I have to say: it hurt! What makes finishing this race so special is that I’ve always struggled to finish projects. I’ve been talking about running a marathon for years and I’ve never competed in one. I’ve always wanted to write a book, and as of yet, I’ve never finished one. I’m a starter, but rarely a finisher. It’s a stigma that I’ve had to deal with for quite a long time, and as a result, I’ve lost plenty of confidence in myself. So how did I become a finisher?

The race had plenty of ups and downs. The goal for the race was to average a ten-minute mile. If I could average ten-minute miles, then I’d finish in two hours and ten minutes. Actually, my goal was to beat CNNSI NFL writer Peter King’s time of two hours and sixteen minutes. I figured if I couldn’t beat a fifty-three-year-old sports writer who’s struggled with his weight and dealt with heart issues, then I had no business running the race. This is meant as no disrespect towards Peter King; in fact, I love his work. But I used him as a motivator. The race started with a group of one thousand eight hundred runners cramped together like sardines (not fun), and in the first mile I settled in to a nice easy run. I just stuck with the pack. Just after the second mile marker, I got my first water stop, and that’s where I had trouble catching my breath for the first time. As I slowed to get water, some people stopped dead in front of me. I almost ran over this little hundred-pound lady that stopped in front of me for water. When I started running again, the combination of coming to that stop plus the cup of water suddenly had me sweating and out of breath. I ran through it and tried to calm down. I hit my first hill soon after that. It was during this point that I found myself wondering if I could finish this race.

At the top of the hill I found myself running through the center of downtown Cincinnati, and with all the scenery I got my pace back and settled down. I started passing people; in fact, I passed a lot of people between miles two and five. Things were smooth: I had no pain, I was breathing well, and I found space between myself and other runners. When we made our turn onto Pete Rose Way at Sawyer Point, I cracked jokes with some of the supporters and yelled out “I love you” to Jenn as I passed her. It was smooth sailing! Well, it was smooth sailing until I got to the mile six marker. I started getting strong pain in my left foot along my pinky toe and up that side of the foot. I had to slow my pace. At this point, I was working on my first gel packet and I was doing well with my breathing, but the pain in my foot was overwhelming. When I passed the mile nine marker, I was very close to walking. Off to my right, a woman pulled off to the side and started stretching out her hamstring. I encouraged her to keep pushing, and when I did that, it seemed like my own pain became easier.

When I reached the mile ten marker, the pain in my foot was gone, but it was too late to pick up the pace. People were passing me then. I was passed by a man pushing a wheelchair, a large amount of middle-aged woman, and a power walker. It was humbling to be passed by people I never expected to be passed by, but I kept going. As I reached the mile eleven marker, I was going through my last gel pack, and I was still keeping my breathing in order. I felt good enough to try and finish strong, and I tried pushing off my left leg to get some speed. It didn’t happen. My left calf cramped up slightly and I spent the next mile and a half trying to find a way to pick up a little speed, but the calf was telling me “no.” With only half a mile left, I just resigned myself to finishing and did what I could to finish. My legs wanted nothing to do with running at this point. When I passed Montgomery Inn, I started seeing others who’d already finished cheering us on. There were more and more of them the closer I got to the finish line. At the finish line, Jenn was waiting for me, and once I crossed I ran into a wall of other runners who’d just finished. I was barely able to stand and a little woozy, but it was over.

This afternoon as I ponder this race and the races we all run, it really puts life in perspective. We all have moments in our lives that it’s hard to breathe and we have to find a way to settle in. We all have our uphill climbs that we traverse in hopes of something better. We have good days when everything goes well and we pass others by. We deal with pain that sometimes cripples us, but when we encourage others suddenly our own pain seems more manageable. Sometimes we have to slow down and simply find a way even when we aren’t a hundred percent, and when our race is over we are greeted by those who have gone before us. When my race is over, I’ll see my grandparents again. I’ll get to hold Grandma in my arms and hear her voice again. I’ll get to hear Granddad tell me how proud of me he is. I’ll get to kneel before the Father and tell Him how much I love Him. When we finish the race, it’s like we’re all part of something special. That’s what it’s like when we live our lives for Christ. It has its ups and downs, but the end reward is worth it.

"For I am already being poured out as a drink offering, and the time of my departure is at hand. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Finally, there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will give to me on that Day, and not to me only but also to all who have loved His appearing." (2 Timothy 4:6-8)

Confession

2010-10-14T13:13:00.000-04:00

When I started this blog two-and-a-half years ago, I opened up about many of the things I went through before and during my first marriage. I took anyone who read this blog on a journey with me. I’ve made it a point to be honest about who I am, my struggles, and what I believe in. My goal has always been to use my struggles to help encourage others, yet it seems as though I haven’t done that as much of late. In fact, I haven’t really written anything all that personal in awhile. Some would surely say that’s a good thing, as maybe I got too personal in a public forum, while others might say I’ve strayed from my original goal. Either way, I’ve been quiet, and until recently I didn’t know why. I could blame all the other writing I’ve been doing, or my preparations for starting back at school in January, but none of those would be right. The reality of my situation is that I’ve been hiding internal issues because I didn’t want anyone to read my blog and think I’m a whiner. I didn’t want to appear weak, but in truth, deep down, isn’t that what we all are? So, as my first anniversary creeps ever closer, I have a lot to confess. As always, I hope something good comes from what I write.

Ever since I got out of the military in 2006, I’ve struggled with depression. At first, it was awful. I sat around the apartment for four months gaining weight, growing hair, and sitting in front my computer playing World of Warcraft for hours each day. I couldn’t find a job in Columbus, which demoralized what little self-confidence I had, and I eventually decided to go ahead and finish classes at Ohio State instead. Originally the plan was to go part-time, instead I felt forced to go full-time. I started dealing with all kinds of stomach issues and it only got worse in the fall of 2006 when my grandmother died. With all due respect to the rest of my family, she was the one person I believed had always supported and believed in me. So when she passed away, it crushed me. At this point, I’d pulled away from my wife and, without even realizing it, she’d also pulled away from me. I don’t think she ever really knew what was going on in me. I was just depressed, and it wasn’t one of those depressions where I’d lay in bed all day crying or anything stereotypical like that. It was more like a constant burden on my shoulders that held me in place, feeling sad and alone. In the eighteen months prior to my now-ex-wife leaving, there was little joy coming from me. Instead I put up a façade as much as I could to keep people from getting in.

So why do I give this background now? Well because I’ve realized that I didn’t just struggle with depression in separate bouts after the military and then after my divorce, but it’s been one long struggle. Even now, there are days where I’m happy and playing around with Jenn only to be lost in a depressed world just minutes later. It’s gone away some as I’ve been trying to take a more active approach to combating it - which for me is praying, doing all I can to communicate with Jenn, and writing - but it’s still there from time to time. It comes with no warning, or so I thought. I started realizing that a lot of my depression now comes when I’ve been thinking of my past mistakes, especially in my first marriage and when I make mistakes now with Jenn. To help compensate for those mistakes, I tend to not go after things I want, and instead give in when Jenn desires something opposite of what I want. I tend to think so poorly of myself that I see everyday things that Jenn does as her not wanting to spend time with me, etc. The truth is: I feel so horribly about myself, who I am, and what I’ve done that I feel unworthy to be content. At the root of it, I understand now, is unforgiveness.

What’s frustrating about this is that I’ve written about forgiveness before. I once wrote that I was forgiving myself and was moving on. But in the end, I didn’t. The truth is that I’ve forgiven everyone who has hurt me: my biological father who couldn’t handle fatherhood and left; the kid that abused me at age four; the ex-wife who left me, knowing that my greatest fear was abandonment; as well as many others who have hurt me. But I’ve been unable to forgive my own misdeeds. I still see my own mistakes in how I’ve treated people, and I shrink away. The worst part about it is that I know who keeps bringing this up in me, and despite all my prayers, I still deal with it every day. I’ve read scripture, talked to a few people, and confessed all of this to Jenn, and yet I’m bound and barely breathing. I just want to be able to let go of my own failures!

So why do I write about this now? Well, some of this is a repeat of past writings but I want to be real with people, as I always have. I want people to see that being a Christian doesn’t mean we don’t struggle. I struggle quite a bit actually. I also write because this is my form of counseling. I get my thoughts on paper and can examine them. Writing has become my release. Yet, there is one more reason I write this confession: I want to be free. I want my friends who care about me to know I need their prayers. I want to enter the second year of my marriage knowing that these gaping wounds on my heart are healing. I write this because I know that the best way to love God, my wife, and the kids that will come one day, is to finally drop this weight I carry. Confession is freedom.

A Bitter Heart

2010-10-04T14:19:00.002-04:00

"Bitterness is the poison you drink, hoping that it will kill someone else."

One of my favorite people in the world gave me this quote a couple of years ago, and it’s stuck with me. I think we all struggle with bitterness, and if we aren’t careful it can change us. It can taint the person that we are or destroy the dreams that we pursue. In marriage, it can destroy all that is good about it. It causes us to stop looking at the positives in our spouse and to dwell upon the negatives. Bitterness causes us to stop wanting the best for our spouses, and in extreme cases, to wish harm upon them. It should be no surprise that bitterness often goes hand-in-hand with unforgiveness. If we can’t forgive someone for how they’ve hurt us, then we wind up resenting them. We grow selfish. And most importantly, perhaps, we lose perspective on how blessed we are to have that person in our life.

While doing some studying over the past week, a section of 2 Samuel has really impacted me. You can find the story in 2 Samuel 6. This is when King David had the ark of God (ark of the covenant) brought back to Jerusalem.* During the celebration, David humbled himself and wore only a linen ephod.** He danced nearly naked in front of his people and humbled himself before God, choosing to celebrate before the Lord instead of concerning himself with making the event one of pomp and circumstance. When Michal saw this, the Bible notes that Michal despised David in her heart. When he returned home, she greeted him by sarcastically poking at him for his lack of discretion by disrobing in public in front of slave girls (and the rest of his people). David responded by telling her he was dancing before the Lord and that he would become even more undignified to do so. He would humiliate himself in his own eyes for the Lord. David told her that those same slave girls would hold him in honor. She failed to see her husband’s heart and how that pleased God. Michal’s actions are a far cry from the Michal described in 1 Samuel.

In 1 Samuel 18:20, the Bible notes that Michal was in love with David, and in 1 Samuel 19:12-13, Michal saves David’s life as Saul tried to kill him. With David on the run, Saul gave Michal to another man, who fell in love with her. Later, when David became king of Judah, he requested the return of Michal as his wife, and her husband followed after her weeping. Through Saul’s actions, Michal had two marriages torn apart. She was passed around like a prize or trophy. Evidently she grew bitter, as even though she was returned to the man she first loved, she had to compete with David’s other wives for attention. It seems that even though her husband was described by God as being a man after God’s own heart, she was unable to look past his negatives and the circumstances that surrounded the downfall of Saul’s House. She grew bitter. In the end, she could not see her husband’s actions as glorifying God, even though the rest of Israel, including the slave girls, could see it. She lost perspective.

The Bible ends the story noting that Michal had no children until the day of her death, which is important. To be placed there at the end of the story, to me, means that God had a plan to bless her with children, but due to her heart being shrouded in bitterness against David and God, she was not given children. A child would have made sure the line of Saul continued, and possibly could have meant her child would have been chosen to be king after David. I’m not saying this would have happened, but in dying childless, it sends a great message: bitterness results in death. When she died, all of her died with her. She had no one to carry on for her and no legacy to leave behind to future generations. In the end, her bitterness towards David resulted in not his death, but hers. The same can happen to us. If we don’t learn to forgive and release our bitterness, it doesn’t kill those we are bitter towards, it kills the one who is bitter. It destroys everything they hold dear, including families, relationships, and their walks with God. My prayer for today is that if there is any bitterness in me from past struggles, that God would help me to let it go, and so are my prayers for you. I don’t want to leave a legacy of bitterness behind, do you?

* The ark of God was captured by the Philistines. The ark brought trouble to the Philistines and was eventually returned to the Israelites.

** An ephod was linen usually worn by priests with their robes. The ephod itself covered very little and if worn without other clothing would expose the wearer’s more private regions.

Where Oh Where Has the Blogger Gone?

2010-09-28T09:22:00.002-04:00

I know I have a limited audience for the blog (consisting of my wife and maybe two or three other people, but who’s counting?), but I have to say I miss getting my point across. The truth is I’ve been writing, just not here. I’ve made comments over the past couple years that I’ve wanted to write a book. It’s been dream for about a decade, actually, yet I could never discipline myself enough to start writing. However, that’s changed recently. About two or three months ago, while I was taking my normal lunch walk across Silver Bridge into Newport, Kentucky, I got an idea for a fictional story that got me excited, and it also wrenched at my heart. When I came home and pitched the story to Jenn, she jumped on board and told me to go for it. Ever since she told me it was a good idea, I’ve been working on it, baby steps at first but now I’ve become much more disciplined in how much time I spend writing. I’ve set goals for how many words a day I write, and, as a result, my blog entries are down. I love writing. It’s become a passion of mine, and right now I’m passionate about finishing this first manuscript before I start school in January. I hope and pray that this story I’m writing will be published one day and will touch a lot of hurting souls.

I have a lot of other random thoughts to post as well. Here goes:

A. The political campaigns this year are making me sick. It seems like the Democrats are going even more left than they already are, and the Republicans are more to the right. Why can’t we have a party that mixes the best ideals of both sides?

B. I find it interesting how so many people are trying to get “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” repealed, people who have no idea how life in the military would be affected by it. Even the upper echelon officers who are for it don’t have a clue. Why? Because they rarely, if ever, have had to share a close confined space with anyone else who may or may not be gay while in the military. The only exceptions may be while they were at the academy. They’ve always had their own rooms or just one roommate since they were commissioned. That is why it’s important to note that it’s been reported that most Chief Petty Officers are against the repeal. They’ve had to live in close quarters conditions throughout their careers and understand the privacy issues at stake here. My point is that so many people are trying to take care of the interests of the minority in this respect, but what about the interests of the majority? Do they not matter? I remember sharing a berthing onboard the USS Supply with eighty-seven - let me say it again: eighty-seven - other men, some of whom we knew were gay. It was very difficult. Why? Because we didn’t have privacy. There was one guy whose rack was right across from mine. His name - I kid you not - was Casanova. One day we had both just come out of the shower, and he looked across the aisle at me and stared at my “area” as I was getting my uniform on, then proceeded to make inappropriate comments to me about his genitals. I was very angry, and a week later I moved all of my things to another rack.

The problem with repealing “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” is that a large percentage of our troops live and work in close quarters. Our berthing areas are built for men and women to live apart separately. If the law is repealed, then you’d have to separate openly gay servicemen and women from the straight ones and provide berthing for them to provide privacy to the other servicemen and women. That becomes a conundrum in itself because, then, where do you berth them? You can’t berth together gay men and women in one berthing, nor can you give them their own individual berthing. Military ships don’t have that kind of space and it would insinuate special treatment. So there are a lot of issues that are not being addressed by proponents of the repeal. All they are thinking of is that they want equality and rights, but they are not thinking of how it affects the troops who are straight and have to live everyday life with them. My solution: If you are going to repeal it, work out the logistics first and take into account how those logistics affect everyone before you repeal it.

Anyone who knows me knows where I stand on the issue of homosexuality in general, but I must stress that I consider my feelings to be separate in this case. This is a military policy that needs to be addressed.

C. So there is hope for the Rams after all. I’m glad to see progress with my favorite squad!

D. It’s almost been a year since Jenn and I got married. It’s been an amazing ride so far, and there is no better woman out there to take that ride with. I look forward to growing closer with her as we grow older together. I love her with all of my heart.

The Language of Hate

2010-09-08T12:17:00.002-04:00

Let me ask you a question: How do you feel when you see a skinhead burning an American flag on the evening news? What about all those times we’ve seen citizens of other countries burning the American flag, chanting ‘Death to America’? When I see images like that, I think that they hate us, they hate America. Whenever I see someone burning a flag, a book, or another object, it’s always been in hate. So when I read about Dove World Outreach Center Pastor Terry Jones’ plans to hold a Quran-burning on September 11, 2010, I cringed. Aren’t Pastor Jones and his church sending a message of hate?

According to Pastor Jones and his church, he believes the Islamic faith is ‘of the Devil’ and incites violence among radical Muslims, so they are taking a stand against these radical Muslims by burning the Quran. Now let me be honest and very blunt: I don’t believe that we as Christians should be tolerant of other religions, nor should we not call them what they are, which is false. However, there is a line that none of us should cross. Muslims believe the Quran is their Word of God and therefore is something they cherish, just like I cherish my Bible. The Quran is part of them, as the Bible has become part of me. Therefore, even though I believe the Quran to be false, I disagree with this public burning of the book. This book is part of who they are, and by burning these books publicly we are telling them that we hate them. How would I feel if I saw people burning the Bible? It would hurt me personally. This becomes not just about religion. This becomes about the person. And regardless of what any radical Muslim has ever done, if you are a Christian and told by Jesus to ‘love your neighbors as yourselves,’ then you have no business burning those books in a public manner. Pastor Jones states that this is in protest to radical Islam, but because the Quran is the holy book for all of Islam, he and his congregation are essentially saying they hate all of them.

There are other factors now at work: General Petraeus has noted that Jones’ protest puts American troops in Afghanistan in danger, and he’s right. The Muslims who are violent enough to take action against Americans are already angered by the threat of Jones' protest. They are already burning images of Jones and the American flag and we can all be sure it’s not just in protest of what Jones is about to do, but because they hate him and the country he’s from. Christians are held to a higher standard than this. We are not called to hate people. The Bible tells us to hate what is evil and to cling to what is good, but it does not tell us to hate people. It tells us to love people. We are all God’s creation, and if Christians were to remember that, then maybe, just maybe, we’d be seen for what God meant for us to be: images of Christ.

For further information about the Dove World Outreach Center’s plan to burn the Quran, as well as reaction to it, see below:
http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/ap/nation/7189605.html
http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2010/09/07/2010-09-07_terry_jones_pastor_of_dove_world_outreach_center_will_go_through_with_koranburni.html?r=news
http://www.newsweek.com/2010/09/07/petraeus-burn-a-koran-day-could-endanger-us-troops.html

Is Christianity a Religion of Fear?

2010-08-31T17:13:00.004-04:00

I was recently doing some research for my book, and as I was searching online for Author Bill Wiese, I came across an automatic search labeled, “Bill Wiese Fraud.” Curious, I clicked on the link, and came to "the Great Realization" blog. This blog is for the American Atheist movement, and is written by MagiKent. In the article above, MagiKent blasts Wiese as a fraud, calling his vision of 23 minutes in hell nothing more than a nightmare. MagiKent notes that Wiese uses his story as a way to get people to become Christians through fear.

MagiKent states:

Christianity’s motivation for morality is fear. There is no better example than Bill Wiese. Christians want to be good because they fear that if they don’t they will be put into a burning place to work for eternity. They define what ‘hell’ would be like in Earthly terms – fire, etc. Yet to describe what ‘heaven’ would be like is supposedly beyond what we can comprehend. What a load of garbage. Your religion is based on fear. That’s weak.

I wonder if MagiKent even bothered to read Mr. Wiese’s book or his follow-up “Hell.” Bill Wiese’s reason for writing the book was not to scare people into becoming Christians. He wrote it to remind us of the consequences of our sin, but also that the price was already paid. Mr. Wiese’s testimony gave authenticity to the Cross and the fact that there really is a spiritual world, both good and evil. Both books by Mr. Wiese use a tremendous amount of scriptural support and he expounds on that in his second book. If Mr. Wiese was a fraud, he wouldn’t have been able to use scripture to back up all the points he made, but yet he did. Many non-Christians like to define Christians as gullible, believing that they have been deceived. MagiKent instantly disregards Wiese as a fraud and assumes he had nothing more than a nightmare. However, what if MagiKent has been deceived? What if God really allowed Wiese to have this view of hell in order to be a witness to others?

What MagiKent does not understand is that my motivation for morality is not fear. I certainly fear and respect the Lord and His holiness, but I’m not a Christian because I fear hell. I am a Christian because I believe that Jesus Christ died on the cross for me and that the God of the universe loves me and knows me by name. I am a Christian not for religion, but for relationship, and even in moments where I struggle with the Lord, I know that He loves me. To be close to Christ is life-changing. It alters all reality. There is nothing weak about that. Any Christian worth their salt is not motivated to live a moral life by fear of hell, but by a desire to love their wonderful and holy God. True Christianity is not a religion of fear, but of love.

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, and whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.”
John 3:16

“For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.”
Romans 6:23

Billy the Marlin Can Wait…

2010-08-25T14:05:00.001-04:00

This morning I woke up to find Yahoo Sports baseball writer Jeff Passan’s article on how Marlins Owner Jeffrey Loria and President David Samson have ‘swindled’ 2.4 billion dollars out of the taxpayers in Miami-Dade County. While I’m not a huge fan of Passan’s writing*, I have to admit this is an eye-opening article, and to be honest, as a man who loves the game of baseball, the level of greed exhibited here is sickening. This is not to say the other owners in MLB have not exhibited greed. I can definitely think of a few, but the Marlins’ Jeffrey Loria has been a primary example of it. As the owner of the Expos, he was almost single-handedly responsible for the wreckage of that franchise, and now here he is deceiving the fans of his new club in Miami.

Loria and Samson have run off good managers (Joe Girardi and Fredi Gonzalez), refused to pay high profile players (Miguel Cabrera), and have done everything thing they could to not raise payroll while reaping in luxury tax money. This is not acceptable. This treatment of their fans and players (these players want to win, and if your ownership is cheap, you’re hamstrung) is uncalled for and an unnecessary burden on the fans/taxpayers in South Florida. MLB should be held responsible as well. They are currently looking for who leaked the financial documents on the Marlins, Rays, and other clubs, but they knew the Marlins were misleading their fans, and yet did nothing.

Now, every year, I make it a goal to hit two MLB ballparks. Eventually I’ll get to every ballpark in the country. However, I will not visit this new Marlins ballpark until a new owner is in place there. Since Tampa Bay and Florida are in the same state and we’d likely have done both at the same time, that means we won’t be heading there either. Perhaps it is not coincidence that Tampa was also mentioned in the article for not being honest with their supporters. As for MLB, I love the sport, so I just can’t give up on it, but I will not invest funds like I used to in a sport that is cheating its fans. If news leaks out on any other teams doing this, I will make the same decision as I did for Florida. As far as I’m concerned, Billy the Marlin can wait.

*In the article, Passan claims that the if-you-build-it-they-will-come philosophy for baseball does not work, using Cincinnati, Washington, and Pittsburgh for his examples. He fails to note that these franchises have not won in years. Cincinnati is having a great year and attendance is starting to come up. Fans fill ballparks when teams win. Fans filled Progressive Field in Cleveland until ownership stopped investing in the club. Passan also compares this situation with the situation in Washington when the Nationals were able to get ballpark funding for Nationals Ballpark. I disagree with Passan on this point. The city council in Washington made a conscious and informed decision to build the ballpark in DC. There was no other place for MLB to put a ballpark at the time (Las Vegas was mentioned as an option but they certainly did not have an MLB park ready nor did they have any funding ready), so Washington’s city council should have known better. In the case of the Marlins, Loria and Samson knowingly lied and withheld information from Miami-Dade County.

12th Anniversary

2010-08-19T20:30:00.000-04:00

Twelve years ago today I made one of my best decisions and one of my worst decisions in my life. I left Youngstown, Ohio behind with my poor high school grades, broken friendships, a solid church, and wonderful girlfriend waiting. I left to try and make something out of my life and I think I did. Years later it’s hard for me to remember the boy that I was, and that’s exactly what I was, and my experience in the military changed everything.

The reason I label it as one of my worst decisions is because the Lord had given me a separate plan for my life. I ran from that plan and went for the career I hoped would make a better life for my girlfriend and for me. At the time, I thought she was going to be the one I married. Well, that didn’t work out, and I long regretted my decision. However, as I look back God used that time to help make me into a man.

When I left, I was scarred with all kinds of immaturities and completely unwilling to take responsibility for anything. It was my time in the military that taught me about life. It taught me how naïve we can all be, and it showed me how definitive right and wrong can be. It also taught me how easy it is to fall into a gray area morally. I found out how things work in this world.

The great thing is even though I had to learn those hard lessons; I was also blessed to travel all through Europe and the Caribbean. I got to visit Israel! I walked the Via Delarosa. I stood in Gethsemane. How many of us can say that? I saw the Tower Bridge in London. I stood underneath the Eiffel Tower in Paris. I enjoyed a gondola ride in Venice. I walked the sobering grounds of Auschwitz and Dachau. I got to see the beauty of the Sistine Chapel. I took a train through the Scottish Highlands and found myself at Loch Ness. I worked in the Pentagon! I experienced all these things before age 26. God blessed me which such wonderful experiences that I’ve never forgotten.

I left the Navy in 2006 a bit disgruntled, but over the years I’ve come to realize how proud I really am to have served this country. I served for 9 years and I wouldn’t give any of it back. I learned so much about what it is to sacrifice and what duty really is. Even as I faced personal issues afterwards, I was able to draw upon everything I went through and keep perspective. All of that came from God. Despite all I did to run from Him, He turned it into something wonderful, and now I’m proud to call myself a veteran of the United States Navy.

Absence!

2010-08-16T19:38:00.002-04:00

So it’s been awhile since I’ve written and I just wanted to post a few notes:

A. The Arizona Immigration Law - I’ll go ahead and say I support the law pre-court ruling. This is not because I’m trying to lash out at any race, but because it’s finally something being done to curtail illegal immigration into the United States. I understand the possibility of profiling, but that’s already happening there without the law. That justification doesn’t make it right, however the real issue at stake is what is Arizona supposed to do to defend our borders when our government is doing almost nothing to protect them. Regardless the Arizona law is not that much different than Federal law besides the fact that Federal law rarely is enforced.

There is one thing that is really annoying me concerning the protests to this law. Anti-immigration law protesters are trying to get Major League Baseball to move the 2011 All-Star Game from Arizona as part of their protest. This past weekend at the Arizona Diamondbacks vs. Washington Nationals game at Nationals Park in Washington DC, I believe protesters went over the line. First they post a banner in the garage facing the stadium protesting the All-Star Game. I’m cool with that. That’s fair. However, then during the game protesters ran out onto the field, interrupting the game and also breaking the law in the process. I have an issue with this. If you want to protest, fine, that’s your right, but don’t do it in such a fashion that you break the law and make yourself look like an idiot in the process. They made their cause look bad.

Another issue I have with protesters trying to get the game moved from Arizona is that it’s a dumb idea. The All-Star Game will pump 60 million dollars into the struggling Arizona economy that is supporting the people they are trying to stand up for. Moreover, if they were to look at the big picture they should want the All-Star Game there because it will provide them a public forum in which they can protest. The All-Star Game is shown across the country. There would be news reports everywhere showing their protests. It would bring them plenty of press. It seems shortsighted to want to have the game moved when there are more positives to be had for having the game played in Arizona.

B. I’ve started another workout/eating regimen. This time I’m keeping a separate blog on it. This should help hold me accountable. I really want to make it through this time.

C. The reason I haven’t blogged as much is because I’ve been at work on my book. So far I’m in the first draft stage, and I’m almost through with Chapter 3. It’s been challenging so far, and yet there is plenty more to be written. I’m not very confident in myself, but I’ve always wanted to write a book, and if worse comes to worse and no one ever publishes it, I’ll still have it to show my kids one day. The real problem I’m having is finding adequate people to talk about writing with. I checked out a Christian writing site, The Christian Writer's Guild, and they have some really cool seminars and classes I get excited about, but I don’t have the money for them. It’s just too expensive. It depressed me to see the prices for the seminars as I looked over the site on Friday night. There is one bright spot. A friend in Columbus and I are looking into starting an Ohio Christian writing guild. We’re praying about direction now for it. If you are interested, please let me know.

D. My application for UC is complete. I was told last week that I’ve been accepted, but they are still reviewing my file. There is a lot of stress here in terms of getting money from the government together for my GI Bill in time. Please pray.

Rants... Rants... Rants...

2010-07-29T15:39:00.007-04:00

Pardon me, but I need to vent. There are so many things annoying me today, and I figured I should write them down.

1. If you want to cheer for Lebron James in his Miami Heat jersey, fine, but show some intelligence: don’t go to a Cleveland Indians home game wearing the jersey, especially when the Indians are playing James’ favorite team, the Yankees. You're asking for trouble. This reminds me of the time that I, as a stupid teenager, wore my Magic Johnson Lakers jersey and New York Yankees cap walking through Quincy Market in Boston. I got some dirty looks, but I am so glad I didn’t pull that crap at Fenway. Drunk Red Sox fans would likely have maimed me, even if I was only a kid.. You’re asking for trouble.

2. If you say you are a Christian, you need to act like it. You are never going to be perfect and you will make mistakes, but don’t be on your high-horse talking about God one moment and the next minute cussing people out and mistreating them. That’s disrespectful to other Christians who are doing their best to live in Christ and love people, and it throws mud on the face of Christ.

3. Okay. Middle-aged, balding white males should never - and I mean never - have dreadlocks, especially dreadlocks down to your butt.

4. Priorities, Priorities. This is not meant towards all parents, but just a choice ignorant few out there. Here’s an example: Let’s say I’m single and have two kids, with some money put away. We live in a small place which is definitely in need of an upgrade. The kids are old enough to get involved in sports, or maybe need tutors to help them with school. The kids haven’t been to a dentist in years, and one of them needs braces by the looks of their teeth. School is drawing near and they need new clothes. Which of these should I do with some extra money I’ve saved, and in what order?
A. Get the kid braces.
B. Get the kids in soccer, baseball, swimming, etc.
C. Get new clothes for the kids for the school year.
D. Get a tutor for the kid that struggles in school.
E. Get a bigger place that suits the family better.
F. Get myself Botox.

Anyone here think Botox is the first choice? I may not be a parent yet, but I still know that your kids and their needs always - let me say this again, ALWAYS - come first. You are their provider and you are the one that should be meeting their needs. No one else should be responsible for making sure your kids’ needs are met. God gave these kids to you, and to you alone, to raise them up and take care of them. So do it. There is no “I got botox because I deserve it” when your kids’ needs are not met.

5. There are numerous people out there who live their lives with illness and they still find a way not to mistreat other people. Just because you are sick, that does not mean that you have license to disrespect other people, even if you believe they’ve disrespected you. The Golden Rule still applies.

6. It might not be a good idea for a woman to go to a job interview dressed in a rather short pink party dress. I’m thinking that that won’t be seen as proper.

These are all instances I’ve seen in the past few days. I don’t mean to embarrass anyone or call anyone out specifically. I just need to vent. Some of it is just funny to me, and some of it is pretty serious. All of us are human and we all make mistakes. I am no judge, that’s for sure, I just needed to vent a little.

Nationals Park – June 8, 2010

2010-07-20T16:38:00.007-04:00

Following our trip to South Carolina, where Jenn’s friends Beth and Brian took us in for a week, we made our way up to the Washington, D.C. area. We decided to leave a day earlier than originally planned so that we could visit Shenandoah National Park on the way. We camped out there on a Sunday night, which meant there was something like only five campsites being used. We virtually had the campground to ourselves! It provided a much needed peace after a rather stressful day.

The next morning, we continued on to the D.C. metro area, where we got to hang out with my old military friends, the McClures and the Greens. They gave us place to stay, they fed us, and most importantly, they spent some time with us. It was great to catch up with them; however, the brunt of our time in Washington was spent touring. We walked from monument to monument taking in as much as possible.

We were also sure to spend time going through the National Air & Space Museum and a couple other Smithsonian museums. Another activity that we did was stop in the town where I used to live, which gave Jenn an idea of where I’ve been, something that was important for me.

On June 8^th, we made our way to Nationals Park to see the Washington Nationals host the Pittsburgh Pirates. This ballpark opened on March 30, 2008, after the Nationals played their first three seasons in RFK Stadium. The ballpark itself is built differently from the more recent ballparks opened across the country: there is no red brick in this ballpark like the more recent retro-look that ballparks like Busch Stadium went for. Rather, Nationals Park is built out of steel, glass, and pre-cast concrete that was meant to reflect the architecture of Washington’s many buildings and monuments (specifically the East Wing of the National Gallery of Art).

It has plenty for fans to do, including numerous restaurants and an arcade. Another positive for the ballpark is that it’s easy for fans to get around. Jenn and I entered at the centerfield gate, went up one escalator to our level and walked right to our seats. There was no confusion, no double escalators, and no asking ushers where we needed to go.

However, the main issue that I have with the park is that it looked to me like an overgrown Minor League Park. The concrete, steel, and glass didn’t give it that special look that is reserved for a Major League ballpark. I understand what the architects were looking for, but it just didn’t work for me. It looked very sterile, and without character. It’s a nice ballpark with lots to do, but due to its lack of a signature look, it’s just a ballpark. I’m sure many fans will disagree with my assessment, but this is just my opinion. Overall it’s a nice ballpark, just not in my taste, and therefore not in my Top Ten ballparks.

This completed my ballpark trips for 2010 and possibly for 2011. I’m thankful for the friends that I got to visit and the sights I got to share with my newlywed wife. And I’m thankful that I have a woman in my life who supports me on these adventures.

Turner Field – Atlanta, GA

2010-07-15T17:44:00.007-04:00

I woke up the morning of June 1^st, 2010 with the certain excitement that only comes for me when I’m going to the ballpark. I was heading to Atlanta to take in a game at the gorgeous Turner Field. However, there was a little more to it, too. This would be the first time since I was 16 years old that I was going to see my friend Laura, who has had such a positive impact on my life. It was going to be a fun night!

We got to the ballpark around 4 p.m. and parked across the street. Walking up to the ballpark, we saw that it had an extremely large boardwalk in the front of the stadium; in fact, it was the largest one I’ve seen at a ballpark. (I later read that the boardwalk was there as a result of Turner Field being retro-fitted for baseball after being used as the Olympic Stadium for the 1996 Atlanta Olympics. The extra space left over from the stadium reconstruction enabled the Atlanta Committee for the Olympic Games to build the outfield sections, complete with the front boardwalk, and numerous fan attractions, including a team shop, activities for children, and a couple of different restaurants. When we entered the ballpark, we could not tell it was ever used as an Olympic Stadium. We just found ourselves walking into a beautiful ballpark.)

Since we got to the ballpark early, the first thing Jenn and I did was seek shelter from the heat while we waited for Laura to get there. We sat down in the team restaurant and enjoyed a small meal, (one of the few times we actually ate out on our vacation). After getting our water bottles refilled, we went over to the team shop, and finally, Laura arrived. I slipped her ticket through the gate and she got into the ballpark. It was such a strange thing seeing her for the first time in years: I last remember her being a spirited teenager, and now here she was, a mature adult. I was glad to see her, and it was nice for her to meet Jenn. That was the important part for me: I wanted Jenn to meet this great person I’ve known for years, and vice-versa. I hope they will one day become friends.

Because Jenn and I were on an extreme budget, we bought the cheapest seats we could, in the upper reserve section on the first base side. (But it worked out well: we were so high up that we were under the rather small roof that covered only the highest seats, which protected us from the sun and the rain that came later.)

Off to our left, they had constructed a large Coca-Cola bottle and next to it the Chick-fil-A cow that does the tomahawk chop with the fans. There is also a small baseline built near the upper level for children to run down during the game.

The rest of the stadium was pretty standard, but sharp. The outside of it had a brick outlay with some old-school looking gates that bring flavor to the ballpark. However, there was more than the architecture that brought flavor to the ballpark.

The really special thing about going to a game at Turner field is how much fun it is. Doing the Tomahawk Chop and other cheers with the fans was a blast. The fans are so enthusiastic, which surprised me because Atlanta fans are stereotyped as awful; I was happy to find that that simply was not true. They were a joy to be around. Both the fans and the ballpark were entertaining and it was such a refreshing experience to watch a game there. I strongly recommend it.

My Top 10 List

PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA – Beautiful park with a great view of the three rivers. Go at night…it’s one of my favorite views.
Busch Stadium, St. Louis, MO – Gorgeous Ballpark, with a great view of the Arch. The fans are very knowledgeable and courteous. It was just a wonderful place to watch a game.
Camden Yards, Baltimore, MD – Another great looking park. This park is the starter for all the new constructions of the 1990’s and in my opinion still has the old-time baseball feel the architects were aiming for. The warehouse in background is still a cool sight.
Fenway Park, Boston, MA – The newer parks look better in so many ways, but nothing beats the party going on at Fenway on game day. There is so much going at Fenway the moment you get to the park. It does look old, but they keep it painted and the Monster is still an awesome sight.
Angels Stadium, Anaheim, CA – This is an old ballpark, but when I visited in 2004, it had been overhauled into a baseball only-facility (the Rams used to play there), and it was gorgeous. It’s especially great at night to watch with the fountains where outfield bleachers used to be. I admit with the Angels being my favorite team, I’m probably biased.
Comerica Park, Detroit, MI – This ballpark doesn’t get mentioned enough with other ballparks, but it is absolutely gorgeous. I love the history they put into it with the statues beyond the outfield wall. I really enjoyed visiting this park.
Turner Field, Atlanta, Georgia* – See Above
Citizen’s Bank Park, Philadelphia – This park is a nice-looking park, but what I thought was cool was the all the stuff they have for kids to do there. In the walkway section of the park there were all kinds of games and stuff to occupy the kids before, during, and after the game. Very cool.
Great American Ballpark, Cincinnati, OH – Very nice ballpark that captures the history of the city well with its steam boat representation and the Ohio River in the background. There isn’t a bad seat in the ballpark.
Progressive Field, Cleveland, OH – There was a time when I’d rank this ballpark higher, but the last time I went to see a game there, it looked as if it were not being taken care of. It’s still a decent place to catch a game, but I remember how great it looked when I first went in 1997. Last time I went, it looked like the Indians were saving money on maintenance as well as being cheap with their players.

*Changes – Dodger Stadium drops out of the top ten with Turner Field moving into 7^th on the list.

Goodbye Lebron

2010-07-09T15:33:00.001-04:00

Well, after having a night to sit down and think about the departure of Lebron James from the Cavaliers, my perception has changed a little. Here are my thoughts:

A. The big problem I have with Lebron leaving the Cavs is the way he did it. He had six teams make their way to Cleveland, but he was only going to consider a couple of them. He wanted to win a championship. I believe that. I also believe he knew his best options for that were Chicago, Miami, and Cleveland. So he had the Knicks, Nets, and Clippers come to Cleveland for nothing. Then he reaches out to ESPN to make a TV special announcing where he is signing on national television. Can you think of any sports player that has ever done that? Not even the great Michael Jordan ever did that. Lebron didn’t even call the teams he wasn’t going to play for beforehand to let them know he was signing elsewhere. Cleveland wasn’t told about it until one of Lebron’s reps called just moments before the announcement. Lebron then announced on national television that he was leaving his hometown to play for a championship. Basically, he was saying he believed he could not win a title in Cleveland, which may or may not be true. They have been close the past couple of years. Either way, it was a cold way to say goodbye to your hometown. If he was going to leave, he should have done it quietly. Have a man-to-man with the owner that invested as much into you as you did into your team. That’s why Dan Gilbert is really upset. Check this article out.

Those of you that are saying, “Well wait, Lebron did that on national television to raise money for the Boys and Girls Club! How is that wrong?” also need to sit back and think about this: Lebron has numerous different avenues in which to raise money for them. He’s been raising money for them for a long time. He didn’t need to go on national television last night to raise that money. There are so many better ways out there to raise it without having to go with the route he did. The ends don’t justify the means.

B. I don’t have a problem with Lebron leaving the Cavs as a free agent. He gave them his game for seven years, and he was special to watch there. He earned the right to be a free agent and if he wants to play with Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, then he should go for it. I may not like seeing him in a Miami uniform, but as a basketball fan, it will be interesting to watch. I do think that if Lebron should have gone anywhere, it should have been Chicago. They have a better core and are young.

C. I think what people are not realizing is that Lebron, Bosh, and Wade are all giving up money to play together, as Stuart Scott noted on this morning’s Mike and Mike show. People tend to get upset with players for taking the money instead of going for a championship. (Joe Johnson in Atlanta comes to mind. The Hawks will never win a title as it is built.) Instead they all gave up some money to play together. They chose the opportunity over the money, and there is respect due for that choice. I want to be able to tell my kids that money is not always the answer. Don’t get me wrong, they will still get their money, but they could each have earned more on their own.

D. Dan Gilbert’s comments in his letter posted on the Cavaliers website are out of line and not classy. However, there is a lot of truth in what he wrote. There is even more truth in his criticism of Lebron during the playoff runs in the past two years, which he spoke about in a radio interview given last night in Cleveland. Dan Gilbert is wrong to have publicly slammed Lebron afterward, but he said what a lot of basketball fans were thinking.

E. I do not think all hope is lost in Cleveland. Looking at their roster, they have some quality players, but not stars. They are fairly young, with the exception of just a couple players. If they can attract a free agent or two next off-season, they’ll be back in the hunt for the playoffs and maybe more. They will have some cap space with Lebron leaving.

F. Even with Lebron, Bosh, and Wade, I don’t think Miami is the favorite to win the title. Boston and Orlando are still there and have players of their own, even if Boston is getting older. Fans can be sure that both the Magic and the Celtics will have deeper benches than Miami, and Chicago is going to be better. Oh, and there is the World Champion-loaded Lakers in the Western Conference. I’m sorry to all the Heat fans out there, but the Lakers are too deep to lose to the Three-man show in Miami this upcoming season. That will likely change in time, and I do think the Heat will eventually win a title with their new Big 3, but it won’t be right away.

G. I know the fans in Cleveland will hate Lebron for leaving, but I hope in time they can respect him for what did accomplish in Cleveland. They got to the NBA Finals for the first time ever, and he led them from improbable win to improbable win. He brought a lot of excitement to a down sports town. Unfortunately, his departure reminds Cleveland fans that they seem to be cursed, and so a hungry sports town must find a way to move on without their hero.

Relationship

2010-07-02T20:04:00.001-04:00

Ever since I started studying for the GRE (or shall I say fretting over the GRE?), I’ve struggled to find time with God. I used to listen to music on the way to work and pray, but of late, I’ve gotten away from it as the music has gotten stale and my mind has wandered. When I went to work, I studied for the GRE instead of studying God’s word. When I’d go home, I’d study some more for the test. However, when I got to work on Tuesday morning, I felt something missing within me. I missed my time with God. Just like He longs for relationship with us, as we grow, we long for relationship with Him. Even now, just a couple days later, I feel the heart ache from that morning. I was grieving the loss of relationship with my creator and it broke my heart. Oh how I love my God, and oh how He loves me.

Backpacking Thoughts – Memorial Day 2010

2010-06-16T18:43:00.002-04:00

Jenn often tells me that she feels closest to God when she is out in His creation. That’s one of the reasons she likes backpacking so much. So when we headed down to the Smoky Mountains, I was hoping to commune with God just like she does. I was wrong. That’s not to say that it wasn’t a fun trip. It just means that I see God differently than my wife does. I usually see God’s finger on clear nights where stars shine bright in the sky. However, there were no clear skies for us on this trip. Clear skies would have made a good trip a great trip.

The first day of the trip we aimed to be on the trail by 11:00 am, but a landslide forced us to take a three-hour detour to get to our starting point. And in the process, we got separated from the couple we were going with. So we didn’t get started hiking until 2:30 p.m., and it was a near 7-mile climb up the mountain! We had little time to spare if we were going to get camped and dinner before nightfall. Along the way we came across a rather large snake (it scared the crap out of me, but I’m glad it was not a rattlesnake or copperhead), some interesting insects, and at about five minutes away from our campsite we saw a big black bear that stared us down.

We got to our campsite at around 6:30 p.m. We immediately set up camp, and just as we were meeting our neighbors our partners in crime for this venture, Jeni and Darren, made it to camp. Jenn, Darren, and I went to filter water out of a rather nasty water source, and then we all ate dinner before crashing for the night. The one special part of the evening, besides me getting scared by that snake, was the young deer wandering into our campsite. It walked up to about 10 feet from us. It was just a beautiful sight.

The second day started with an early climb followed by about 7 miles straight downhill. While this was easier on the cardio, it was harder on my knees. There isn’t much to say about this day except it was just a lot of work. Jenn and I couldn’t decide if we were going to camp the night or just hike the extra two miles back to our cars and start the trip to South Carolina. I wanted to finish it and go, and she wanted to stay. In the end, we stayed and it wound up being a better idea, except that whatever I’d eaten that day had made me a little sick. That and my legs were really just done. They were sore and swollen. Thankfully, Jeni and Jenn saw how much I was struggling and let me be. Jenn and I took a “bath” in the stream we camped by, and we had a nice night with Jeni and Darren around a campfire.

The following morning, mostly due to Jenn’s mad problem-solving skillz, we broke camp in the rain while staying as dry as possible. We made it to the car, drove to the Visitor’s Center, got cleaned up, and put some nice fatty food in our systems. Overall, it was a fun and challenging weekend. The only thing I missed was what Jenn usually finds: a moment with God that says He’s there. It was nice to see her bask in God’s creation. For me, it was a reminder of how different we all are, and it has me thinking that I really need to seek God’s face to figure out where I best hear His voice. Seeing Him in the stars is one thing, but learning to recognize him in everyday life is another.

Confession

2010-06-05T20:43:00.004-04:00

"That if you confess with your mouth, 'Jesus is Lord,'and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you confess and are saved."

Romans 10:9-10 (NIV)

It's sometimes troubling that when asked about the Christian faith people struggle to believe that all they need to do confess that Christ is Lord and that He died on the cross for their sins. However, it's written in God's word numerous time that all we need to do is confess and believe in Christ. It's that simple. So what's the problem? I just think that we can not wrap our minds around something this simple. Sometimes we just can not get ourselves to believe.

In other news and thoughts:
A. Jenn and I are still on vacation. Last weekend we backpacked in the Smoky Mountains and we spent this week with her friend in South Carolina. It's been fun getting to know them a little. Tomorrow we are heading north to Shenandoah National Park for a day of hiking and camping, and then we are heading into Virginia and Maryland to meet up with some old military friends. We'll do some touring in Washington and catch a Nationals game.

B. We caught an Atlanta Braves game this week with an old friend of mine. It was the first time I'd seen her in 15 years. It was great for her to meet Jenn. The game was a blast. There is blog forthcoming on that one.

C. I've been struggling a bit with people taking my words out of context or simply just twisting them. It's frustrating when I'm trying to do the right thing to have my words turned around. Very frustrating.

Busch Stadium – May 22, 2010

2010-05-26T20:44:00.004-04:00

This past Saturday Jenn and I made the trip to Saint Louis, Missouri to see the home team Cardinals host the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. This was my first new ballpark trip since 2006 and let me tell you it was worth the wait. We were treated to an Angels 10-7 victory while taking in a beautiful ballpark.

Busch Stadium was opened in 2006 and still carries that brand-new look to it. The entire outside of the ballpark is red-brick. It looks great. It fits the city and the team. We sat up behind home plate and took in a spectacular view of downtown St. Louis and the famous Gateway Arch. The view rivals the view found at PNC Park in Pittsburgh. The big difference here is that I recommend you catch a Pirate game at night in Pittsburgh to really take in the beauty of the city, but you definitely need to see a Cardinal day-game to enjoy the scenery in Busch Stadium.

The park is also made special by the die-hard, yet courteous fans in St. Louis. We had open conversations with the Cardinal fans in the ballpark despite Jenn and me wearing our Angels gear. The Cardinal’s staff was friendly as well. I was also blown away by how intelligent the Cardinal’s fans were. They noticed everything from a sacrifice fly to ground out that resulted in a run. They cheered for their team for performing all nuances of the game.

Busch Stadium has a party atmosphere too. The concourses are open in the upper levels which make you feel like you are at one big barbeque that just happened to have a baseball game break out. However, this comes at a cost because there is very little shade as a result. The heat was fierce on Saturday and my wife was only able to find a small area for shade. The seating in ballpark also offers very little shade early on game-days, but later in the day a large portion of the stadium did gain some shade.

Overall, Busch Stadium is one of my new favorites. It’s a beautiful ballpark with a festive atmosphere. There is not a bad seat in the house. Updated rankings are below.

1. PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA – Beautiful park with a great view of the three rivers. Go at night…it’s one of my favorite views.

2. Busch Stadium, St. Louis, MO – See above

3. Camden Yards, Baltimore, MD – Another great looking park. This park is the starter for all the new constructions of the 1990’s and in my opinion still has the old-time baseball feel the architects were aiming for. The warehouse in background is still a cool sight.

4. Fenway Park, Boston, MA – The newer parks look better in so many ways, but nothing beats the party going on at Fenway on game day. There is so much going at Fenway the moment you get to the park. It does look old, but they keep it painted and the Monster is still an awesome sight.

5. Angels Stadium, Anaheim, CA – This is an old ballpark, but when I visited in 2004, it had been overhauled into a baseball only-facility (the Rams used to play there), and it was gorgeous. It’s especially great at night to watch with the fountains where outfield bleachers used to be. I admit with the Angels being my favorite team, I’m probably biased.

6. Comerica Park, Detroit, MI – This ballpark doesn’t get mentioned enough with other ballparks, but it is absolutely gorgeous. I love the history they put into it with the statues beyond the outfield wall. I really enjoyed visiting this park.

7. Citizen’s Bank Park, Philadelphia – This park is a nice-looking park, but what I thought was cool was the all the stuff they have for kids to do there. In the walkway section of the park there were all kinds of games and stuff to occupy the kids before, during, and after the game. Very cool.

8. Great American Ballpark, Cincinnati, OH – Very nice ballpark that captures the history of the city well with its steam boat representation and the Ohio River in the background. There isn’t a bad seat in the ballpark.

9. Progressive Field, Cleveland, OH – There was a time when I’d rank this ballpark higher, but the last time I went to see a game there, it looked as if it were not being taken care of. It’s still a decent place to catch a game, but I remember how great it looked when I first went in 1997. Last time I went, it looked like the Indians were saving money on maintenance as well as being cheap with their players.

10. Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, CA – I have to admit that I didn’t care much for this ballpark. It was drab and there wasn’t much there to do but watch the game, which is great for me, but bad for a parents wanting to find things to do with their kids (and their limited attention spans). However, when the sun starts going down, the beauty of the ballpark changes. It’s such a pretty sight to look at the background beyond the outfield fence and it makes up for much of its shortcomings.

*Changes – Busch Stadium slides into second place. I swapped slots between Citizen’s Bank Park and Great American Ballpark. I just realize the ballpark experience in Citizen’s Bank Park is better. It’s just a better looking ballpark too.

The Tongue is a Fire

2010-05-14T19:46:00.001-04:00

One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone feels the need to try and tell me what I’m doing wrong by yelling at me, belittling me, or just by forcing it down my throat. Sometimes they try to disguise it with, “I’m just telling the truth.” Sometimes they throw in the L-word thinking it will cushion the blow (“I’m only saying this out of love”). In the end, though, even if the there is truth to it, the targeted person is left feeling disrespected and, in many cases, repulsed. I had someone close to me do this a couple months ago, and the sting of it remains. I have forgiven this person, but I do not want anything to do with this “friend.” Since it’s been a multiple-repeat performance, I feel as though I’m better off without this person in my life. Of course, it would be hypocritical for me to forget that I’ve been guilty of pushing my feelings on other people too, so I guess I understand both directions. We want to try and help someone, but in the end, because our words were harsh and forceful, we get pushed away.

Sometimes we just get angry and say something hurtful. We fail to see how much our words crush someone, and we usually do this to the people we are closest to. According to James 4, the tongue is a fire capable of so much evil. I’ve seen the damage it can cause when I’ve lost patience with Jenn and said something rude or hurtful. I’ve seen her spirit just shrink away, and I hate it. I hate seeing hurt in her eyes. However, when I let her know how much I love her or when I tell her how beautiful she is, she sparkles. The tongue has the power to destroy, and the power to nourish one’s heart and soul. I need to be more careful with how I speak to people; I think we all do. I want everyone who speaks with me to know I care about them and feel blessed by my words.

Friendship

2010-05-07T19:01:00.001-04:00

It’s been awhile since I've been able to have good fellowship with another brother-in-Christ, but last night was a great opportunity. I met up with a friend, Roger Chang, at Skyline Chili. (It was my first time eating there and it was pretty decent.) We started off talking about church stuff and in the end it became one of those times that you realize God set up. I needed that time to really bounce thoughts, ideas, and struggles off of someone, and God provided it. I can talk to Jenn all I want, but sometimes I need fellowship with guys. We just think differently. I was very honest with Roger about my past and where I’ve been. I let him in on all my struggles and fears and then we prayed. If anything, I realize that though I’ve been through a lot in life, I still have a long way to go and it’s nice to be able to let it out and be encouraged along the way. I’ve missed that since I moved down here from Columbus. It’s nice to have friendship. Truthfully, I’ve really struggled in my faith of late because I’ve felt - and let me stress the word felt - like God wasn’t listening to my cries for help with some issues, but yet there it was right where I needed it. So I’m thankful for the friendship of men like Roger and of a holy and loving God. It’s just what we all need.

Worship

2010-05-07T12:29:00.001-04:00

I was four years old the first time I can remember hearing a praise and worship song. Our family was living in Newport, Rhode Island at the time. It was a sunny day and my mother sitting on a chair in the dining room with her guitar settled in her lap and her song book on the table in front of her. She was playing “This is the Day” on her old Yamaha acoustic and singing like an angel while I played on the floor with some toy cars. Except I really wasn’t playing. I was listening. Listening to my mother sing love songs to her God calmed my heart when life was so hard for us. It made it easier for me to accept her God as my God just a few years later when our days were even darker.

What I remember most about those days listening to my mother praise God is that joy filled the room. She enjoyed worshiping God. It saddens me now to know she has not picked up her guitar in over twenty years, but those memories stick with me. I grew up loving music and I always loved taking part in worship at church whether in the choir, or singing special music. Worshiping God was always joyful, even in moments where the songs we sang were deeper, more emotional songs. So I guess the question I have for everyone is: What does worshiping God mean to you?

Thoughts

2010-04-28T22:09:00.005-04:00

I have nothing to really focus on today, but I have a few thoughts to share.

A. I’m going back to school. I waffled on what I’ve really wanted to do with my life for about two years now. I believe God has a plan for my life, so I’ve made on-and-off again plans to go to seminary, but the truth became clear to me recently that it’s just not where I feel God is leading me. I’ve long wanted to be a teacher and I keep letting myself give up on that little dream. I just believe that God will use me best in the classroom, so that’s what I’m choosing to work towards. So I’m applying for the Masters of Education focusing on Secondary Education program at the University of Cincinnati. On Monday night, I scheduled myself to take the GRE on July 1st. (If any of my friends who read this blog and know me well would like to write a recommendation for me, I would appreciate it. I need a total of three to turn in to UC.)

B. If you are doing anything that has the potential to physically and/or mentally hurt you, and there are methods of safety available to you, please use those methods. Seriously, like if you are riding a bike then wear a helmet. If you are welding something, wear your helmet and gloves. Stay safe.

C. I was listening to Mike and Mike in the Morning yesterday and they were debating whether or not Pittsburgh Steelers’ Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger should be even more active in charity work than he already was in order to rebuild his image. Why do people always assume it’s charity work that rebuilds a person’s image? They had Michael Vick doing the same thing after his dog fighting ring conviction, but it’s not the charity work that has quieted talk about him. He’s just focusing on life and staying away from the things that got him all the negative attention. Before Roethlisberger got himself in trouble, he had already formed a poor reputation for himself. I’ve come across quite a few fans that have noted his conduct in restaurants and other public places. Yahoo Sports Blogger Matthew Darnell recently noted that Roethlisberger has this type of rep with teammates and fans in Pittsburgh. So if Roethlisberger really wants to rebuild his reputation among fans, teammates, and the general public, he doesn’t need to be involved in more charities or even any charity. He just needs to behave like a respectful human being and stay out of the situations that he’s put himself in. If he were to start getting involved in all these charities now, it would seem forced and inauthentic. He needs to be real and make changes in his life.

D. A recent AP story reported the story of a homeless man who, while defending a woman in an altercation, was stabbed and left for dead in New York City. Numerous people walked past this man without helping him. Some stopped to look at him, while another person actually turned him over and saw him lying in a pool of his own blood. This reminds me of the biblical parable “The Good Samaritan,” that Jesus spoke of (this is also mentioned in the above article). I don’t understand how people could do this. I just don’t. Have we grown so cold in our society as to not help a person in need? It reminds me of how much our country and the world is in of a Savior.

The Ode to Baseball

2010-04-16T23:03:00.003-04:00

Well the 2010 Major League Baseball season is underway and I’m excited to get some games in this year. I’ve missed the game a bit in the past couple years with all the various activities going on in my personal life. In fact, the last ballgame I went to was an August 2008 Indians game against my Angels. The truth is I’ve missed the game. I’m a huge fan of all team sports and MMA, but my heart has always belonged to baseball. I used to sit up every night during the summer listening to Indians and Pirates games on the radio while writing out a summary of how the games were played. I probably still have binders somewhere with all these summaries. Once I left for the Navy, it became my goal to see all 30 Major League Ballparks (I have to go back when new ones get built), and I began to keep count and take pictures. Here’s my list:

1991 – Three Rivers Stadium, Pittsburgh, PA- Cincinnati Reds at Pittsburgh Pirates
1996 – U.S. Celluar Field, Chicago, IL, Cleveland Indians at Chicago White Sox
1997 – Progressive Field, Cleveland, OH – Boston Red Sox at Cleveland Indians
1997 - Veteran’s Stadium, Philadelphia, PA – Colorado Rockies at Philadelphia Phillies
1998 – Shea Stadium, Flushing, NY – Chicago Cubs at New York Mets
2000 – Camden Yards, Baltimore, MD – Seattle Mariners at Baltimore Orioles
2000 – Yankee Stadium, Bronx, NY – Boston Red Sox at New York Yankees
2004 - PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA – Anaheim Angels at Pittsburgh Pirates
2004 – Citizen’s Bank Park, Philadelphia, PA – Chicago Cubs at Philadelphia Phillies
2004 – Angels Stadium, Anaheim, CA – Chicago White Sox at Anaheim Angels
2004 - Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, CA – St. Louis Cardinals at Los Angeles Dodgers
2005 – RFK Stadium, Washington, DC – New York Mets at Washington Nationals
2005 – Fenway Park, Boston, MA- Anaheim Angels at Boston Red Sox
2005 – Great American Ballpark, Cincinnati, OH- Atlanta Braves at Cincinnati Reds
2005 – Comerica Park, Detroit, MI – Kansas City Royals at Detroit Tigers
2006 – Wrigley Field, Chicago, IL – San Francisco Giants at Chicago Cubs
2006 – Miller Park, Milwaukee, WI- Florida Marlins at Milwaukee Brewers

That’s fifteen MLB ballparks, though with new ballparks built for the Yankees, Mets, and Nationals, I need to go back and see those. If you look at my list here, you will also notice that there have been no new ballparks since 2006. I miss pursuing this little leisure hobby. I miss taking in the surroundings of the ballpark. So with Jenn supporting me we’re going to try and see two a year. This year we’re heading out to St. Louis in May to see the new Busch Stadium while the Cardinals take on my Angels. I’m not sure about any other ballparks this year, but the possibility remains for Denver, Minnesota, and Kansas City. We’ll see. I’m excited and I can’t wait to post some pictures. Below are my Top Ten Rankings for the ballparks so far:

1. PNC Park, Pittsburgh, PA – Beautiful park with a great view of the three rivers. Go at night…it’s one of my favorite views.

2. Camden Yards, Baltimore, MD – Another great looking park. This park is the starter for all the new constructions of the 1990’s and in my opinion still has the old-time baseball feel the architects were aiming for. The warehouse in background is still a cool sight. PNC only has it beat on scenic beauty.

3. Fenway Park, Boston, MA – The newer parks look better in so many ways, but nothing beats the party going on at Fenway on game day. There is so much going at Fenway the moment you get to the park. It does look old, but they keep it painted and the Monster is still an awesome sight.

4. Angels Stadium, Anaheim, CA – This is an old ballpark, but when I visited in 2004, it had been overhauled into a baseball only-facility (the Rams used to play there), and it was gorgeous. It’s especially great at night to watch with the fountains where outfield bleachers used to be. I admit with the Angels being my favorite team, I’m probably biased.

5. Comerica Park, Detroit, MI – This ballpark doesn’t get mentioned enough with other ballparks, but it is absolutely gorgeous. I love the history they put into it with the statues beyond the outfield wall. I really enjoyed visiting this park.

6. Great American Ballpark, Cincinnati, OH – Very nice ballpark that captures the history of the city well with its steam boat representation and the Ohio River in the background. There isn’t a bad seat in the ballpark.

7. Citizen’s Bank Park, Philadelphia – This park is a nice-looking park, but what I thought was cool was the all the stuff they have for kids to do there. In the walkway section of the park there were all kinds of games and stuff to occupy the kids before, during, and after the game. Very cool.

8. Progressive Field, Cleveland, OH – There was a time when I’d rank this ballpark higher, but the last time I went to see a game there, it looked as if it were not being taken care of. It’s still a decent place to catch a game, but I remember how great it looked when I first went in 1997. Last time I went, it looked like the Indians were saving money on maintenance as well as being cheap with their players.

9. Dodger Stadium, Los Angeles, CA – I have to admit that I didn’t care much for this ballpark. It was drab and there wasn’t much there to do but watch the game, which is great for me, but bad for a parents wanting to find things to do with their kids (and their limited attention spans). However, when the sun starts going down, the beauty of the ballpark changes. It’s such a pretty sight to look at the background beyond the outfield fence and it makes up for much of its shortcomings.

10. Yankee Stadium, Bronx, NY – The great thing about old Yankee Stadium was the tradition and history there. Monument Park was a cool sight, though in an awkward place. However, Yankee Stadium, in its last days was a dump. It was dirty and dark in some spots even during the day. It was still a special place, it had just seen better days.

Honorable Mention – Miller Park in Milwaukee is very modern and had some great food, but it’s just so big and open. It really made for a less intimate experience. Wrigley Field in Chicago is great on tradition. It was a fun place to watch a game, and I’ll never forget seeing the ivy-covered outfield walls, but it’s old and it really needs a facelift. I’ll never forget seeing netting along the ceilings of the walkways to protect people from falling debris.

Anyways, I’m pretty thankful for the new season. One question I pondered today was will there be baseball in heaven?  I’ll post pictures of Busch Stadium when we get back from the game in May.

Acts 9

2010-04-15T21:28:00.000-04:00

So far in my quest to read the Bible in a year, I’ve read all of Genesis and half of Exodus. It’s not too shabby for three weeks or so, I have to say, but today I needed a break from Old Testament lore and opened up the book of Acts. I landed in Acts 9, the story of Saul’s conversion. The chapter ended with Peter, through the power of God, raising Dorcas (Tabitha) from the dead. Saul’s conversion to Christ was a miracle climaxed with him meeting Christ on the road to Damascus followed by blindness for three days. Jesus then told Ananias to go to Saul (now renamed Paul) and heal his blindness. When I read through these today, I felt such a rush in seeing the power of God in action, but then I thought about today. Why don’t we see miracles like that today?

Sometimes it’s hard for me to understand the Bible telling us that with the faith of a mustard seed we can move mountains. I mean, where are all the miracles with so many marriages ending in divorce? Where were the miracles when I saw my grandmother whither away from Alzheimer’s disease? I’ve seen God move as I’ve noted in past posts, but I’ve never seen anything like what the apostles did in Acts. Why?

I sat down and thought about it. God hasn’t changed since the Old Testament. The Holy Spirit hasn’t gone anywhere. What is the common denominator here? Well, to be honest, we are. Humanity is the only thing that has changed. We don’t live like God can do these things anymore. We don’t live with the faith of a mustard seed much. Often times when the going gets tough in our lives where faith is required, we get going. We run. I run. It’s about faith.

Today, when we see a faith-healer on television or if one comes to town, we’re instantly skeptical. We don’t really pray for miracles anymore. If someone talks about them happening, we tend to not believe them or think they are eccentric. However, the Bible is truth, God’s word, and if it happened then it can happen now. Maybe if we lived by faith more, we’d see more of what the power of God can do in our lives. That is my prayer: for more faith. I want the faith to lead my household into the arms of God. I want the faith to change the lives of people around me. I want God to use me to be someone’s miracle.

The Cross

2010-04-06T20:26:00.001-04:00

A couple weeks ago I was asked by ANC’s Youth Pastor, Eric Chang, to give a short testimony about what Christ’s death on the cross (and resurrection) meant to me. I was supposed to give this brief testimony during the youth Good Friday service at Mason. I thought about it and nothing clear popped into my head. I know what the Cross means to me, but how do I explain it? How do I do it without sounding like I’m preaching (I mean really, the youth already have Eric and the other pastors to preach and teach!), but while also sounding real?

So I walked up to the altar to give the testimony, and promptly cracked a joke about being a man carrying a purple bible (I had my wife’s. I forgot mine). Crash and burn!!! I sat down and just started to talk and somehow some way, the Lord gave me the words to speak. The cross is hope. It’s hope for everyone…Its hope for me. Its hope to a man who both fears and believes in the man he could become, depending on choices. It doesn’t matter what I’ve been through, where I’ve been, or the man I used to be. It means I can hope for the future without having to watch my back. It means I’m forgiven. I’m totally free. How can you not hope when you are free?

Blessing

2010-03-23T16:00:00.002-04:00

Ever since I started working in downtown Cincinnati, I’ve been searching for my purpose here. Sure, I’m supposed to be a good husband to Jenn, but I can be a good husband to Jenn anywhere. (I’m still working on the whole good husband thing. I love her so much, but I also make a lot of mistakes. At least she likes me. :-) So why am I in Cincinnati? I confess I’m not a big fan of the place, though I do enjoy walks through the park at lunch time. I’m grateful for my job, but I’m restless in it. So what do I do? In my last blog entry, I noted some of my passions, include helping the homeless. I’ve sort of made it a hobby of mine to try to feed a homeless person whenever I see one. I know Jenn is both stressed and proud of me when I do this: we don’t have a lot of money, but I just need to give. These people don’t have anything.

So anyway, last Friday during lunchtime I walked to the ATM machine to pull some cash out. I prayed to bless someone as I walked there, but I saw no one. I grabbed my cash, and looked again. As I approached the corner where Starbucks and Duke Energy are located, I looked across the street and saw a man sitting in front of Walgreen’s. He was smoking a cigarette and had a cardboard sign in his hands. I turned, crossed the street, and knelt down before him.

“Hi, there! Are ya hungry? If it’s okay with you, Sir, I’d like to take you out to eat.”

He looked at me a little surprised and said, “Yeah, I’d like to. I haven’t eaten all day.”

I smiled at him and said, “Come on, let’s go.”

He put out his cigarette and scrambled to put all his things into his duffel bag. He said, “My name is Richard,” as we started walking.

“My name is Derek, and it’s nice to meet you too, Richard,” I replied. “Now, what would you like? There’s a Wendy’s right here or Skyline Chili and some others. What can I get you?”

“Wendy’s is fine,” he said, so we walked into Wendy’s and got in line.

“Well, what would you like?” I asked.

“I just want a fish sandwich and an ice water,” he replied. I looked at him a little stunned. He could have asked for more. I was willing to get him more.

“What, you don’t like fries? I’ll get you fries,” I said.

“No, it’s okay,” he said, “You’re already nice enough to get me a sandwich,” he stated.

“Richard, get anything you want!” I said, pointing at the menu.

Still, he chose to get the sandwich and water and backed away from the counter while I waited in line. As he walked off to the side, I couldn’t help but notice that he looked around a lot. He seemed nervous and uncomfortable, not because he thought he was in trouble, but rather, he seemed concerned about what people thought of him being there. My guess is that he felt like he didn’t belong in Wendy’s, or maybe around a group of people who were cleaned up and employed. I realized he did not feel safe. I watched him closely and noticed that he wasn’t the stereotypical homeless man that you imagine when you hear the word “homeless.” He wasn’t dirty, and he didn’t smell bad. He wasn’t exactly well-groomed, sporting a long bushy beard, but he didn’t look that raggedy. But what struck me most was how tired and worn-down he looked. You could just see it in his eyes: he needed help. My heart reached out to this man, and I was happy to be able to put something warm in his belly. However, I wasn’t the only one who felt for him.

As I watched Richard, the man in front of me turned around and shoved a five-dollar bill into my hand, saying, “I see what you’re doing. It’s a nice thing to do.”

I was stunned.

“Sir, you don’t have to do this,” I replied, handing the money back to him, but he waved me off and walked away. I didn’t know what to do with myself for a moment. I started to tear up as I handed the five-dollar bill to the cashier, and I continued to fight back the tears while waiting for the food. This man saw kindness and gave it back out of nowhere. It dawned on me then that giving breeds giving. The fact that I was loving Richard by trying to feed him worked in the heart of someone else too. (Or, should I say it was the Holy Spirit that worked in his heart?)

The cashier gave me Richard’s food, with an extra cup of water, and I handed Richard the food. As I looked at his rough and bearded face, I couldn’t help but feel compassion for this man, and in my heart I knew exactly what to say. I reached my arm out to him and said, “The Lord wants you to know that He has not forgotten you.”

Richard looked at me for a brief moment and replied, “I know.”

I held the door open for him as he walked back out into the street, and I told him if I saw him again out here I’d feed him.

I walked back to work feeling something in me that I could only describe as purpose. In that moment, God had given me an opportunity to bless someone, and in doing so, he also allowed someone else an opportunity to bless me. I felt in that moment that God’s purpose and will was served through me, and it was such an amazing feeling. Now here I am three days later writing about this, and I’m thinking that what happened really was such a small thing. However, this “small thing” blessed three people that day. I’m thankful for the opportunity to bless Richard that day, and I’ll be sure to pray for him in the future. But in the meantime, I’m going keep blessing other people. It’s the only way to live.

Primal

2010-03-12T22:32:00.002-05:00

I finished reading Mark Batterson’s “Primal” today and I must say it left me convicted. It’s not like I have been doing anything wrong. That’s not the point. I guess the point is what have I been doing right? What have I been doing to love God? I took from this book that there is more to our walks with God than just not doing things wrong. There is more to loving God than just avoiding sin. It’s about pursuing His plans for us. It’s about running after the dreams and passions He’s given us. It’s about taking action to love God.

But how am I loving God? Seriously, in my everyday life, what do I do to love God? Who have I talked to about Jesus today? Who have I asked to church today? Who have I loved today that reflects Christ? What am I so passionate about I know that God’s finger is upon it? Truthfully, I can not answer these questions without feeling convicted. I did not talk about Jesus to anyone today. I failed to even think about inviting someone to church today. I hope I have shown my wife God’s love today, but that would probably be it, and she could actually say differently. Oh, and lets not forget my passions. I am thirty-one years old and I still am not sure what I want to be when I grow up. My degree from Ohio State is great to have, but I am not using it. I work for a good company and it is a blessing in troubled economic times, but I’m not passionate about it. What am I passionate about? Writing, I’m passionate about writing. I’m really passionate about writing. I’m passionate about singing. Oh, and the most interesting one to me: the homeless. When I see a homeless person it tears me up. I want to help. It’s like a need to help and over the past month, it’s only been building in me. These are my passions…it’s living, breathing, and growing in me, but still I do very little. The art of “doing” is the problem. The primal Christian takes action and does not sit in the shadows trying to live the easy life. Despite the hardships I faced in life, I never pressed in on God. I always settled for the easy walk. Well maybe I don’t want an easy walk. I want everything that God wants for me…I want primal.

Writer's Block

2010-03-08T21:51:00.002-05:00

So, I haven’t been writing as much this year. Some might say that it’s because I’m newly shackled and I have less time to write, but that was probably only true two or three months ago. The truth is that I’ve had writer’s block. I haven’t had anything move me into writing. But it’s a little more than that. It’s been a hidden passion of mine to write a book. However, like my long-term dreams to see all thirty Major League ballparks, to run a marathon, and to go back to Italy, it seems I struggle to motivate myself. Something always holds me back, or should I say that I’m holding myself back?

Before Jenn and I got married, I started asking God to bring my passions to the surface. At first, that isn’t what He did. First, He worked on issues that I’ve had buried in me for years, and He began a healing project deep in a heart full of pain and scarring. The truth is that I probably fought God on these issues, and more than likely, I still am, but I’ve been giving way to Him. As a result, (the big secret revealed) the depression that I’ve long dealt with is becoming less prominent in my life, and today as I walked down Broadway in sunny Cincinnati, I smiled at the joy in my heart that I’ve yearned for.

Now my passions are coming out. I’ve had this secret dream of living in Colorado and waking up every morning with a big mountain outside for years. In the past, in this blog, I’ve mentioned wanting to write a book about marriage, and while that is still on my to-do list, the other book I’ve wanted to write for about ten years is a novel. I’ve long had a passion for books, especially books where the characters find redemption and themselves. I love Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings (and to a lesser extent The Hobbit), the Left Behind Series (though the quality of it towards the end did not suit me), Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series, and my childhood favorite, The Stand. There are others I can mention like The Shack, and even Robert Ludlum’s Bourne series, but for me The Lord of the Rings and The Dark Tower take the cake. I know some of you are thinking, “Captain Christian is reading Stephen King?” Well, yeah…the man is an amazing writer, though you won’t find me reading Gerald’s Game any time soon. Regardless, my desire is to write my quest story, and recently ideas have started flowing out of my head. I believe it’s because the other issues holding me back are healing away. I cannot get them out of my head!

However, at the same time, I’m afraid. I’m afraid to write this book and have it fail miserably. I’m afraid that I’ll write a book that people pan and throw away. Basically, I’m afraid of failure. It’s hard for a man who has “For the Lord has not given us a spirit of fear; but of love, of power, and of a sound mind” (2 Timothy 1:7 KJV) tattooed on his back to admit he’s scared, but yeah, I’m horrified. I look at myself and think, “Yeah, I’m a decent writer, but not great, and I’m just not very creative, so why should I write this?” But I can’t get it out of my head. It eats at me night and day. It’s always at the back of my mind. It’s becoming my passion and I must find a way to muster the courage to write it. So, prayers please! I know I won’t find the courage to write it on my own.

There Is a Need

2010-03-05T17:59:00.001-05:00

Today is one of those days where you stop and realize you have no idea what to do about a situation. I guess that is a time when you have to just bend your knees, and pray for a miracle. If you are a praying person, that’s what I’m asking for. Someone I’m close to is hurting loved ones by their every action. This person is so broken that he/she is paralyzed into inaction. The scary thing about it is that it’s been this way for nearly 10-15 years. Every day it gets worse. Words and encouragement do nothing to help. It seems even that prayer is not working. However, that is not what God’s Word says. God’s word says He hears every prayer and that He holds our tears in his hands. I’m asking those of you that pray to pray for this loved one. Those of us close to him/her are tired and frustrated. We’re at the end of our ropes and it seems there is no hope. However, hope is in the blood of the Lamb and we can’t give up. Please, I beg you, pray for this person. I believe that these prayers will make the greatest difference. I love this person so much and I’m so tired of seeing him/her struggle. I’m tired of seeing those that love this person struggle. It’s time for a change. It’s time for the touch of God.

Please don’t message me and ask who it is. I will honor the wishes of our loved ones and not say who. All I can say is please pray…I honestly believe a miracle can be had. Thanks…

Tebow

2010-02-13T02:13:00.001-05:00

If you were to listen to the media talk about Tim Tebow, (or should I say gush over Tim Tebow?), you would think that he was a modern day hero destined to save the world! However, if you pay attention to fans, it would seem they are sick and tired of hearing about Tim Tebow. Maybe it’s because they are tired of all the coverage Tebow gets from the media. Maybe they are tired of his squeaky clean image and his very vocal beliefs in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. I confess that even I get tired of the Tebow hoopla, but it’s nowhere near as bad as hearing constantly about whether or not Brett Favre will retire…again.

However, more recently, opinions on Tebow have begun to spike again as news of his appearance in a 30-second pro-life spot for Focus on the Family broke. Reaction from pro-choice groups are stating that CBS should not allow the ad because they believe that Focus on the Family is against equal rights for women, among other reasons. One opinion states that during the Super Bowl is the wrong time and place to play the ad. Yet there are others who are applauding the kid for standing up for what he believes in.

I’m going to right away put it out there that I am strongly pro-life, and I’ll even go further and state that I am anti-abortion. I don’t believe that being against abortion has anything to do with equality. I just believe that you are destroying life when having an abortion.

So there is my disclaimer, and in saying that, I don’t really see the problem with the commercial. Let’s think about this: How is Focus on the Family against equal rights for women? Is it because they are pro-life? Is it because they prescribe to follow more biblical principles on family? They don’t say anything about equal wages or any of those issues, do they? So in my view, that opinion is baseless as a reason why CBS should not allow the commercial to air.

What does it matter that Focus on the Family, through donors, forked over the 2 million dollars for the 30 second spot? Are they not allowed to exercise their right to freedom of speech? As for those who believe the Super Bowl is the wrong time and wrong place, I strongly disagree. If you want to get the message out about your belief, there is no better time and place than during the Super Bowl: it’s the highest-rated television program on TV! If they want to pay for the commercial, then more power to them. The point they are trying to make is that Tim’s mother had a choice: She could follow a doctor’s advice and get the abortion or she could keep her baby. If she had chosen the abortion, we wouldn’t have Tim Tebow, who happens to have become an outstanding young man and an asset to society. So what’s the problem? So what if they express their views on national television? Hollywood activists like Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins do it all the time.

Note – So it’s now February 12 and I’m finally completing this entry. I saw Tebow’s ad with his mom, and to be honest, I don’t see why some groups had a problem. The only thing I saw that could be construed as controversial was Tim tackling his Mom, which was criticized by at least one group for its undertone of violence. This is taken from the February 7, 2010 AP article found on CNNSI.com: “The Women's Media Center, which had objected to Focus on the Family advertising in the Super Bowl, said it was expecting a ‘benign’ ad but not the humor. But the group's president, Jehmu Greene, said the tackle showed an undercurrent of violence against women. ‘I think they're attempting to use humor as another tactic of hiding their message and fooling the American people,’ she said.”
Read More: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2010/football/nfl/super-bowl/02/07/tebow.commercial.ap/index.html?eref=sihp#ixzz0fLEIZ7H1

Sometimes we take things so seriously. So yeah, he tackled his mom, who stood right back up and playfully admonished him as he hugged her. Is that really sending a message for violence or for anti-abortion or for anything of that sort? Maybe, just maybe, it’s what Focus on the Family said it was…a celebration of family life.

Diamond in the Rough

2010-01-16T17:00:00.005-05:00

It's amazing: nearly three months ago, Jenn and I were married. Hey, we even have the pictures to prove it! I can also tell you that marriage has not proven to be easy. To be honest, it's been hard at times. I've come to a point where I'm at a crossroads in my life. I remember the man I used to be, and a few certain people still find ways to question whether I've changed or grown at all. I find myself wondering if I'll ever become the man I want to be. Will I ever be the strong, loving husband Jenn needs me to be? Will I be an attentive father for the children I one day hope to have?

I remember a few months ago writing a very public prayer about my dreams, and it wasn't long after that that Jenn walked into my life. God answered my prayers, and yet here I am, months later, knowing that there is more yet to be done. So I guess I have another prayer to pray. My prayer is that God continue to repair old wounds that seem to heal ever so slowly. My prayer is that God show me how to love and communicate with my wife in such a way that she'll never forget why she married me. My prayer is that God take this union and make it strong, with no holes or weaknesses. I love my wife, and I love my God. And because I love them both, my prayer is just to become a better man. I'm flawed, eternally flawed, but yet I know there is more to me. I know, to quote the movie "Aladdin," that I am a diamond in the rough.

My goals for this year are prioritized:
A. To become a better follower of Christ;
B. To become a better husband, and to strengthen our marriage; and
C. To become a better son, brother, and uncle.

It's not just about being a better me (to quote the cliché), but it's about recognizing and learning from my mistakes, and growing as a result of them. I no longer want to be a diamond in the rough; I just want to be a diamond! Lord, please polish me and make me your diamond. That's the route I choose... I choose the future and not my past.

2009

2009-12-31T20:44:00.002-05:00

What I learned in 2009:

A. Love is more than words...it's action on both sides. When neither side takes action, you both lose.

B. It is possible me to accept love from someone.

C. I understand that God loves me.

D. My faith has a long way to grow yet.

E. The importance of watching what I spend.

F. That true friendship endures.

G. Some people in this world are truly generous.

I. Some people in this world will never leave your side nor never give up on you.

J. That alot of my wounds have been healed...but I still have some that need healing.

K. The Rams are horrible, but believe it or not, they are heading in the right direction.

Tis the Season

2009-12-18T21:38:00.001-05:00

The Christmas season has never really been my favorite time of year. There have been too many uncomfortable memories and quite frankly, I just always struggle to get in the Christmas spirit. I know that Jesus is the reason for the season, and I know that is what we are truly celebrating, but still I usually do not get into it. This year has been no different for me, however Jenn has been working diligently to try and change my point-of-view on Christmas. I’m believing that this year we’ll start new traditions, and I’m thankful to be sharing Christmas with my wife.

Here is what else has been going on:

- I’ve begun to get connected at Jenn’s church. There are some nice people there and the Word gets preached, but I’m still apprehensive about committing to going there. We’re looking around a little but it is likely to take some time.

- Jenn and I were both sick in the past two weeks and its kept us out of the gym. That’s a bummer. I was just getting into a routine and it all went to dust. We likely won’t get back into it full speed until after the New Year.

- It appears that virtually no one outside of Ohio thinks Ohio State has a chance against Oregon. Perhaps they’ve forgotten that Oregon’s defense is kinda leaky? I’m not saying the Buckeyes are going to win, but it wouldn’t surprise me if they do.

- Can anyone believe the type of season the Rams have had? They have numerous players on injured reserve or out long term through the season, and now they are dealing with up to 6 players with the swine flu. They are not very good at 1-12, but as a fan I have to believe this type of season is building character for the long-term.

- Cincinnati does not feel like home to me yet. I know God sent me down here for more than just marrying Jenn, but for something else. I’m anxious to find out what it is.

- I managed to get Jenn addicted to Farmville. She plays that game more than me!

- Married life has not been easy. I was not accountable to anyone else but God for two years, and now I have to think about Jenn’s needs first. I admit I am not always successful at that, in fact, I sometimes fail miserably, but I will keep trying. I want our marriage to glorify God.

- Special congrats to my long-time friend, Tamara Dennon. She recently got herself engaged! It is nice to see someone take a leap-of-faith in an time where people are finding ways to end a marriage.

Merry Christmas, Everyone!

Notes....Married Life, Cincinnati, etc.

2009-11-14T10:38:00.003-05:00

Well the move down to Cincinnati has been interesting, in a good way. There has been alot going on but it seems surreal to me. Eight months ago my life was completely different. I am just trying to catch my breath.

A. On October 20th, I returned to work in Columbus to finish out my time there. I was a part of the team completing the conversion of west coast Washington Mutual branches to Chase branches. It was an experience I will never forget. I had to drive back and forth everyday for something like eleven days and during that time some hidden tension between myself and a co-workers came to the surface. It was smoothed over quickly, but it was hard not angry at myself for not leaving a greater mark, if any mark at all at Branch Technology Support. I really did like my job there and I enjoyed the people.

B. I said goodbye to Columbus on October 30 and began my new job in Cincinnati on November 2. While there are small similarities between the the positions there are definitive differences that I must master quickly if I am going to be a stellar part of their team. I like the job and I like the people. It's just different than the retail banking side and I need to get used to it.

C. I sang with Jenn while she lead praise and worship in her church last weekend. It was the first time I sang in a church setting since I was 17. We started with Jeff Deyo's "Bless the Lord." and I think that people really got into the praise time. I like having a best friend to do this with. I had my reasons to stop singing all those years ago, and now it's interesting to start again and now not be alone.

D. Married life has been good. We have our moments like all couples and I sometimes find myself frustrated when we argue a bit, however I enjoy every moment with her and it's rewarding when we can work together to find a meeting place when we do not see eye-to-eye. I DO NOT NEED to win an argument, which was a flaw I dealt with the first time around.

E. I am still neurotic about some things...I guess everyone is. I find myself asking God often: "Lord, why did I just do that (or say that)?" I really do not understand myself as much as I wish. Fortunately, God does, and Jenn sometimes seems to understand me more than I do too, thought I do throw her some curves on occasion.

F. Cincinnati drivers are horrible (as a whole). Many drive like they do not have a clue and perhaps even more scary, like they do not care. I was nearly blindsided by a car going close to 60mph on Pete Rose Way the other day while leaving Sawyer Point (parking and rec area on the Ohio River). The guy blazed through a red light just as I was about to cross and I braked just in time. This happened just five minutes after a car almost hit me on a pedestrian crosswalk five minutes earlier.

G. I'm getting to know Jenn's friends like Lance, Steve and Grace Wu, Roger, and a few others. They are important parts of Jenn's life, but it is hard for me. I do not easily trust people anymore, which is odd because I have no problems telling people my story. I hope to earn their friendship, but I also want it to be because they actually want that too. I don't want it to be just because I married Jenn. I guess some prayer for me there would be nice. I don't really know anyone else down here.

H. I miss my home church in Columbus, C3 Church. I miss the people. I guess I need to visit soon. I hear they are getting big.

That's the news for now...

Why I Believe

2009-10-26T21:04:00.002-04:00

It is an interesting question to hear when someone asks me, “Why do you believe in God and Jesus Christ as your salvation?” I guess the default answer for some would be because the Bible says so or because “They move me!” However, while there is nothing wrong with those answers to me there is something more. People spend all this time writing books, articles, or filming reports trying to prove why God does not exist and it makes me think how often we just do not take the time to look around.

So why do I believe in Christ/God/Holy Spirit? It is about faith, but it is more than blind faith. It has been through faith and other people praying for me that I believe. I believe because despite all the abuse I went through as a child, I have been able to fight through all the scars that were left and write this today. I believe because God had his hand upon me when a car hit me head-on going 35 mph on a bike freshman year and I was in school the next day. I believe because when I ran from God and joined the Navy instead of following the call to go to college, He still blessed me and gave me life experiences that I will never forget. When my first marriage ended and my ex-wife left me, He held my hand even though suicide ran rampart in my heart and mind. He blessed me with a job, a church, and the right friends to help me live again. Now He has blessed me with a wife and best friend with whom I will be able to share my faith for all the days of my life. I believe because despite every character flaw and sin I commit, God still takes joy in my creation. Oh yeah, and I believe because the Bible tells me so.

I believe because I’ve seen people healed and marriages restored. I believe because I have seen Churches grow in places you never would have thought possible. I believe because I have seen hardened men who shook their fists at God for years bow their knees and confess Jesus Christ as Lord. I believe because every bright star that shines in the night sky serves as a reminder of how far the Hands of God extend. I believe because all of His creation sings His name even as we tend to ignore it or rationalize it as evolution or some other theory. I believe because the very depths of my heart proclaim that Jesus Christ is Lord and I feel nothing but joy to know Him.

For all of these reasons…I believe.

Wedding Day

2009-10-22T21:00:00.003-04:00

Well the day has come and gone and yes, I did the deed. I married my beautiful bride this past Saturday and began our new life together. It was a bit surreal for that day to finally come (I say finally because over the summer the days went by so slowly), but yet afterwards it was hard to believe that I had indeed made the iron-clad commitment to share my life with Jenn.

The day of the wedding was something else. Everything was hectic. Jenn’s hair appointment was at 8 a.m. and it should have been done in an hour or less. Instead it was done twenty minutes late. We had to rush to get our flowers out to the picnic shelter. We were supposed to meet up with Nanette Norris with our cake at the shelter, but we missed each other due to our being late. We had to rush back to get changed and we even arrived a couple minutes late at Cedar Falls! Basically we were late to our own wedding! Of course we had to take the short route down to the Falls as well. This meant climbing over rocks and avoiding dirt, but we had fun doing it. It was very cold down there but neither of us could really tell because we were both so pumped up. However, we got a full view of our friends freezing and we could not help but be thankful for the people that God had brought into our lives. That being said, it was also a moment to see what friends were not there. That made me a little sad. My family was also running late. Some of that is my fault because I failed to get them accurate directions the night before. I meant to tell them in would be a four and a half hour drive instead of a three and a half hour drive. We just did not have cell phone reception to let them know. However, everyone did make the reception, so that was nice.

As for the reception, it was cold! Jenn and I got there, helped get organized, took some pictures, and visited a bit before actually leaving the party to get changed because we were so cold. When we got back to the reception it became apparent we were not going to be able to sing as people were just too cold to stay. It does seem like people had fun even though it was cold and I am glad for that. I just wish it was warmer.

Some people deserve special mention: Roger Chang and his family were kind enough to allow Jenn to use their cabin Thursday night to sleep in so she would not have to pay for a place. Lance Webel was there at the wedding taking pictures just in case the photographer did not make it. He also provided me some gloves when I could no longer feel my hands. Jenn’s parents were amazing as was her brother and sister-in-law. They were there helping out as much as they could at the reception. It was definitely appreciated. Nanette was amazingly patient in her work as well. Thanks to everyone!

For everyone else that made it, thanks for braving the cold to help make our wedding day special. For those invited that did not or could not make it, you were sorely missed.

I truly look forward to spending my life with Jenn. Life is hard and marriage can be as well, but I am happy to walk through all challenges with Jenn. I love her deeply, and it grows every day I am with her.

Wedding FAQ – Everything You Need or Want to Know About Our Upcoming Wedding

2009-10-05T22:26:00.008-04:00

1. When and where do the festivities begin?
The festivities begin at 11 in the morning on October 17th. 2009 at Cedar Falls in Hocking Hills State Park. We will have a barbeque following the ceremony at the Old Man’s Cave Picnic Shelter. If you feel that 11 in the morning is too early for you then you can feel free to join us at the shelter afterwards, but beware I will have my eye on you!

2. How do I get to Cedar Falls?
Once you enter the park it will be about two miles from the Old Man’s Cave Visitor Center. You would just follow the signs through the park. When you reach the parking area for Cedar Falls there is a ½ mile long path leading down to the falls. While the Falls itself is beautiful it is recommended that you leave the nice clothes at home and come ready because while the falls look this:

The trail itself is often guarded by beastly foes such as this:

Or this:

Or perhaps this:

So dress casual and men be ready to protect your women and children!

3. How come I was not invited?
The Park is only allowing 50 people down to wedding site. So it’s mostly family and the closest friends. However, the truth is I wanted to invite the entire Ohio State Football team and therefore while planning to sneak them past the creatures listed above, none of them RSVP’d. So therefore, we actually have a few invitations left. I guess I should have chosen more friends instead. Doh! Anyone else want to come? There’s free food and pretty leaves!

4. How did Jenn and I meet?
She was stalking me…just kidding. Actually believe it or not, we met on Eharmony. I know I know…go ahead and laugh at the chunky Italian, but hey finding a girl that can deal with me is like expecting the Rams to win a football game: it’s a rarity. Anyways, she was the first person that I actually went out on a date with from Eharmony and I never went out on another one. It was not long before she had my heart.

5. Where did we go on our first date?
I took her down to Newport, Kentucky, which is just across the Ohio River from Cincinnati. Yes, I made sure to take her there so she could not ditch me in the movies if she decided she did not like me.  But actually, we enjoyed a grossly expensive dinner at Johnny Rocket’s (What?), saw the movie “I Love You Man,” took her for some ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery, and we ate it together on the walkway leading over the Ohio River in the night lights. It was pretty romantic I must say. Guess what? I remembered that all by myself!

6. What kind of food are we serving for the wedding?
Ha! The jokes on you! We are serving whatever you bring!
Actually we are treating this like a party, not your normal wedding reception. It is a barbeque with hamburgers, hot dogs, and etc. We are providing for all of this though we are looking for volunteers to help out with the setup etc.

7. What kind of wedding cake is it and who is making it?
My supervisor at Chase, Nanette Norris, is actually making the cake. The top tier is lemon and crème and the bottom tier is spice and peanut butter. I was originally grossed out by the idea of peanut butter and spice cake, and then I tried it and all I can say is WOW sugar overload…and that it was yummy. So it is a little different and Jenn and I are about being a little different, though I do consider her the normal one.

8. What is not acceptable to wear at the wedding?
I mentioned earlier not to worry about dressing up. Come in jeans. It is a football Saturday so feel free to have your team colors on, unless you are a Michigan fan (Dani….). I do not want any men there in bright colored thongs like this guy:

That is…umm yeah.

9. Who is marrying us on our wedding day and who is serving as our mentors?
Gary Fowler, a pastor from C3 Church (and also pictured here the FAQ in a lame attempt at laughter), is marrying us. Gary also mentored me and was there for me as the Lord rebuilt me. I am forever thankful for Gary Fowler.

Bob and Bonnie Alstadt are mentoring us before and after the wedding. Bob is currently the pastor of the English speaking service at All Nations Congregation in Cincinnati.

10. Why is there a picture of Gary super-imposed on Borat?
I do not know. Gary has a man crush on Andy Stanley. I have a man crush on Gary Fowler…I know…your heads are all shaking now. Actually, Gary is the one person I know that enjoys being in on the joke.

So that’s a wrap. If you have any further questions, please post them below!

C3

2009-10-04T16:44:00.001-04:00

When I decided to leave the Navy in 2006, I thought I had my life in control. God was not a priority though my heart longed for Him. I moved to Columbus, Ohio with hopes to finish my education, find a good job, and finally start a family. However, I found that finding a job in Columbus was harder than I thought. I grew depressed and withdrawn. Basically, I developed what is known as Separation Anxiety. For the first time in my adult life, I could not depend upon the military to take care of me. The direction I once felt in my life was now missing. I pushed my family away and dove into hobbies. I gained close to forty pounds and sat around the house playing video games online. We could not seem to find a church. I was lost and in the process of losing everything.

During this time we were looking for a church home. We went to numerous churches in the area but nothing seemed to fit. Some just did not fit us and others were more theatre than anything else. It seemed that there could be no home for us, but then my sister Melissa moved in with us to save money for school. She wanted to try a church in Pickerington, Ohio where she knew the pastor from her time in youth camp. We looked up the church on the internet and I chuckled at the name: C3 Church. I wondered where the weird name came from, but we gave it a try.

Our first service there, I walked in pessimistic. I was hearing the call of my master and just flat out miserable in life, but I was tired of church. I was tired of seeing judgment instead of love. I was tired of seeing a show instead of something real. Little did I know I was being sent there by God, and even less did I know why I was being sent there.
It was a good service. Everyone was friendly and relaxed. The church seemed real.
After the service, they held a brief meeting where new visitors were able to go back and meet the pastor, Konan Stephens. I can not tell you what struck me about Konan and his church except that it seemed authentic. I was curious.

A couple days after going to C3 for the first time, I emailed Konan and asked him to meet me for coffee. I wanted to know more about this church. I wanted to see what was going on with this man and find out his intentions for his church. What I found was a dreamer who was not content for C3 to sit still. I grilled him on all that I could think of and while I did not agree with everything he said, I could tell he was honest. He was sincere and I was onboard.

As my family began to go to C3, I started to move towards God again. As I did, the fog over my life began to lift and I noticed that my wife had grown distant. I slowly started to make changes in my life to try and become a better husband, but as it turns out, it was too late. She decided that she wanted out and I was left alone to find my way. It was at this point, I discovered why I had been sent to C3 Church. The people at C3 Church stepped in and helped to rebuild me. The leadership there, led by Konan Stephens and Gary Fowler, loved me and stuck by me even though I struggled as I fought to save a marriage and grow closer to God. The marriage ended and they were instrumental in rebuilding my wounded heart and in showing me what it is to be real. I can now say that if not for C3 and the people there, I do not know what would have happened to me.

The reason I write this is to both honor the men and women of C3 Church who have followed the call of God to love people and be real doing it, and to say goodbye to them. God has called me elsewhere, with second chance at marriage pending. When He calls, I answer. So thank you C3 for being there and loving me. Thank you for obeying God’s call upon you in the eastern Columbus area, and thank you for being God’s instruments for miracles of the heart. I live and breathe the name of Jesus today because there was a church willing to love like Jesus loved.

Introspection

2009-09-22T01:03:00.000-04:00

As long as I can remember, anytime I have been confronted with a mistake, I have reflected on it and tried to make amends for them. I have never been too proud to confess my shortcomings, many of which have been discussed in my blog, and yet recently I faced accusations that stated I was doing still doing things that I used to do when married. It forced me to do something I have grown unaccustomed to: I had to defend myself to someone that I believed to be one of my best friends.

What do you do when someone accuses you of things you know are not true, even if this person will not detail them? What do you, when as a Christian, it gets to the point where your Christianity is being questioned? How do you react when a person you trust ends your friendship based on these accusations? What do you do when the person’s alleged source for making these accusations is beyond reproach?

Every time I search my heart I come up with the same answers: I have always been open and real with people. I do not hide my flaws from anyone. When I sin, I repent and move forward with honesty. Why would anyone accuse me otherwise now? The life I live now is a complete change from how I used to be. Even if I make similar mistakes to the ones I made when I was married, I do not hide them like I used to. I take accountability for them and I confess them, then I take actions to prevent it from happening again. How am I the same? How have I not changed? I am confused and hurt. I feel betrayed and bewildered. Where do I go from here?

Wild Ride

2009-09-17T22:40:00.002-04:00

Twenty-two months ago I began a journey of both loss and redemption. Early on in the process, I met another person who, like myself, was losing his marriage and fighting to save it. We almost instantly formed a kinship and began to hold each other accountable in our Christian walks. Eventually we had to go our separate ways, due to choices that we individually making, but I am happy to be a part of his life now as he got married on Sunday at C3 Church.

I hope to have him guest write an entry on this blog soon just to get his story out there, but it’s an amazing story. Every time I sit back and think of what I have gone through in the past two years, I am reminded of my friend who went through even more. Some of what he went through has been the result of his poor choices, however the great thing about God is that He can turn our poor decisions around and use them for good. I am proud of my friend for recognizing his need for a savior and accepting that savior. Now God has blessed him with someone who will never leave his side.

It is surreal now to see how satisfied he is after where he has been, and it echoes in my mind that the same is true for me as I am now one month away from being married too. What a wild ride, and to God be all the glory for the miracles in our lives.

September 11, 2001

2009-09-11T19:06:00.000-04:00

There is something powerful about September 11, 2001 in my heart, as it is in most hearts. It’s my generation’s JFK moment where we will all remember where we were and what we were doing on that day. None of this is meant to minimize the other tragedies that have happened around the world in the past ten years, however this is our one moment as Americans where we remember our homeland being attacked, in arguably our greatest city, and the heroics of various men and women in New York, Washington DC, and in a plane fighting to survive over Pennsylvania. We will never be the same.

In 2001, I was training for the Venice Marathon with three other shipmates when I earned for myself severe shin splints that landed me physical therapy. On September 11th, I had an early appointment at the therapist’s office and I went home to play some Playstation 2 with Valorie still at work. A few minutes into my game, I received a phone call from Mom nearly hysterical telling me to turn the television on because the World Trade Center had been attacked. Plane number 2 had just hit and there were gaping holes in both buildings. I got off the phone with my mom and watched in disbelief as the Towers tumbled to the ground and people close to them scattered out of the way. I frantically called Valorie at work to let her know what happened, and then, in tears, cried out to God for mercy for our country. The towers that I once stared at from across the bay on my ship in New Jersey were gone, and the lives of thousands were changed forever.

Over the next two days I was glued to the television amid rumors that our family members would be sent home and our base would be locked down. We had to mentally get prepared for that as I waited for our work schedule to change in response to the President putting military at its highest level in years. I learned soon enough that we would be working 12 hours on and 12 hours off for the immediate future. I had to drop my math class…again, and we began life in post-9/11 Europe.

My life in the military was never the same after that. I wound up having to serve in the base’s Auxiliary Security Forces afterwards due to the base needing extra protection. When I was eventually called up, it cost me more time with family and in finishing my education. However, that was a minor sacrifice to make. My final command while in the Navy, Opnav TCC in the Pentagon, lost 7 sailors from when that plane crashed into the building. Rumors persisted that when they were found, they were charred, but linked arm-in-arm. Whenever you walked into that section of the Pentagon, it did not matter what season it was, the temperature always seemed to drop about 10 degrees. My division officer kept the ID of one of our fallen comrades at his desk as a reminder. There was no running from what happened on September 11th, and none of us should try.

No one should ever forget what happened that day, not because of the fact that it took place on American soil, but because of the fact that it was senseless, cruel, and it affected people from every walk of life. A couple hundred countries were represented by the tragedy. Yes, it weighs more on Americans, but families around the world felt loss as their relatives either died or were injured. It was a day that united America with many, and like so many others, it will be burned into my memory for all the days of my life.

These Hands

2009-09-10T19:59:00.002-04:00

Well it is official: I am scared. What began as a small itchy rash in early June is now all over my hands, my right wrist, both of my feet, and on my ankles. I have had a total of three doctor appointments, two of them to a family practice and one of them to a dermatologist. It was initially deemed to be contact dermatitis and then was called atopic eczema. I have been on two separate steroids (yay now I can be like half of Major League Baseball!) and I changed my lifestyle to fit the needs described to me to treat it. Nothing is working. The eczema is spreading and it appears I now have an infection on one of the fingers. It all began with these hands. I admit it…as a grown man, I am getting scared. This is supposed to be a happy time with a wedding coming in five weeks. Okay...I'm done venting now.

Compassionate Journalism

2009-09-04T22:04:00.002-04:00

We all lack compassion sometimes. Yes, I mean every single one of us. So as you read this please do not think that I am saying I am the most compassionate man in the world. That would be a lie. I have a long way to go in that area. However, the news story I read this morning about a US Marine, Lance Corporal Joshua Bernard, is appalling for its lack of compassion by the Associated Press and I cannot let this pass without mentioning it.

This brave Marine gave his life for his country in Afghanistan recently. He was wounded in battle and while his fellow Marines attended to him in his final minutes, the AP managed to get some photos of Lance Cpl. Bernard. The AP chose to publish a photo of the dying Marine despite the repeated appeals of Lance Cpl. Bernard’s father and a request from Secretary of Defense Robert Gates to not publish it. The AP responded by publishing the photo anyways and reasoned that they published it because it “conveys the grimness of war and the sacrifice of young men and women fighting it.”

So let me get this right. Please help me understand. You have the father of a fallen marine requesting not once but twice for the AP not to publish this photograph as well as the Secretary of Defense, on behalf of the family, requesting the same to the AP, and they still ignore their requests? And for all reasons they want to “convey the grimness of war and the sacrifice of young men and women fighting it?” As a US Navy veteran I am insulted by the AP’s stand on this. If you really want to convey the grimness of war then keep reporting from Afghanistan and Iraq. There is nothing wrong with interviewing witnesses and catching some pictures of the areas and battles, but to ignore the pleas of the family is devoid of compassion and ignorant. Would any of these members of the AP want their families to have to view pictures of their dying bodies on television or see them in a newspaper?

If I had passed away when I was deployed, I never would have wanted my parents to see my dying body emblazoned across their television screen or found in the pages of the Akron Beacon-Journal. Where is the integrity and compassion from the AP? If the AP really wants to convey the “sacrifice of the young men and women fighting” the war, then they need to honor the requests of the families of these brave men and women instead of seeking the prestige that comes with getting a published shot. There is more than one way to get your point across without causing someone else pain. It does not matter if they met all standards provided for by the US Military. What matters is that father just lost his son, and wished to not have such a devastating photograph of him posted for the world to see. I believe the American people want news coverage that shows honor, integrity, and compassion. I find a little bit less of it everyday and this only reaffirms it.

Excited

2009-08-31T21:17:00.001-04:00

Jenn came home from New Jersey this past weekend and let me tell you it was awesome to be reunited with her. I visited Jenn twice in New Jersey and went up to Michigan to see her run her half-ironman, but there is just something different about being with her in Cincinnati. It really is home and now that I understand that I really have no qualms about leaving Columbus to live down there.

I am hoping that time to move is coming soon. I have a phone interview with Chase for positions in Cincinnati, so if you have the time to pray for me, please do. I do not want to work for another company if I can still work for Chase, but I will do whatever I have to do in order for Jenn and me to be able to get our marriage off on the right foot. I believe the interview will go well and that there will be a face-to-face interview soon enough.

We went out to Bed, Bath, & Beyond on Sunday to register for the wedding. Wow, that about sucked the life out of me. First, let me say that we did not initially intend to register for the wedding. We have already been down this road before and we just wanted people to come out to the wedding and have a good time. However, we had a family friend make the point that if do not register for stuff, people will just buy us gifts anyways, and there is a good chance we will not like them. So in an arduous effort to survive the onslaught of a lazy Sunday, I was put in charge of the scan gun thingy and Jenn went to town figuring out what she wanted. It was great for her and torture for me. I did think it was funny when I tried to scan her butt; however the only reaction I got from her was a rolling of the eyes. Oh well, at least its over with.

It’s exciting to see where our lives are heading now. We both have our hopes and dreams for our upcoming marriage and are thankful that these hopes and dreams are grounding in Christ. It is coming really soon too. We have less than 7 weeks to prepare for this wedding and there is so much to do, but the excitement is building.

Cardboard Christian

2009-08-28T01:43:00.003-04:00

I have never really known life without God being a part of my it one way or the other. His presence has always been there even when I have run from Him. However, as I look back now I have always struggled with how we are supposed to live our lives. Are we supposed to put up this image of living the cardboard cutout life where everything is perfect. You know the life where we make every single hurt and pain into positive rationalization? The example that comes to mind for me is when my grandmother passed away a couple years ago.

When Grandma passed away I had more than one person tell me that I should just take joy in the fact that she was with Jesus now. “It’s a day of celebration, you should be happy!” are words I heard as I nervously prepared to speak at the memorial service. Really? Try telling my mother that as she buries her best friend and prayer partner! Try telling me that as I say goodbye to the woman who helped mold me and supported me in all of my ventures. We all have to mourn. Even though we should be happy that our loved one is now with Jesus, we still need to mourn our loss! Somehow as Christians we tend to lose sight of that. We often move to the status quo that everything should be puppies and popcorn because we are Christians and supposed to be happy. The problem with that line of thinking is that it is just not real. That line of thinking is nothing more than that of a cardboard cutout.

As I look over this blog and reread the entries I wrote, I see that a large proportion of my entries have been rather serious and kind of sad. I suppose it could be a brighter blog, but it just would not be real. I want people to see the real me and what I have been through. I have not lived a perfect, clean, Christian life. I make mistakes and I will not make it look like everything is rosy when I struggle just like anyone else does. That being said, I tend to write more when something harder to deal with is on my mind. I have been blessed with a pretty amazing life.

I want anyone who reads this blog to identify with me. I am not a cardboard Christian. Who really wants to be anyways?

Worthy

2009-08-24T09:05:00.000-04:00

The last two years have been such a blur. I came back to the Lord, fought for and lost a marriage, had some relationships with people break, and I met the most amazing woman alive that I’m now getting ready to marry. There’s been a lot of healing to do over the past two years and sometimes it’s been like a twelve-step process to get there. The more I seek God to heal the wounds of my past, the more stuff I find buried in me. Like I’ve mentioned before, it’s like I move forward some and back a little. It’s definitely not my idea of fun.

A couple days ago, Jenn told me that she wished I thought better of myself. She sees all these amazing qualities in me that apparently I don’t see. Her words stuck with me. Actually, they pierced me. When I hung up with her for the night, I realized that I not only didn’t think much of myself, I couldn’t stand myself. A flood of tears overwhelmed me and as the night wore on regardless of where I turned, there was no comfort. I asked God for help, and it felt like I had none. I just struggle to see myself as worthy of the second chance I’m receiving. Here God has blessed me with Jenn complete with a wedding date and site. Jenn is unconditionally in love with me and sees so much in me that I can not even fathom. With this in mind, I prayed about it and kept an eye out for direction. I wrote Jenn later and poured my heart out to her about what I was feeling and we talked about it last night. As we talked about it a memory came to the surface that I had forgotten. I stopped conversation and told Jenn about this memory.

The memory is from the night I picked up my ex-wife from the airport when she came back from a business trip to Denver, Colorado. When she got in there was something noticeably different about her. She was distant and cold, but I wanted to talk to her. I reached out to her and confessed a deep fear and she responded in a way that completely tore me down. As I look back now, ever since that day I’ve never been the same in the way I view myself. I understand now that the Lord was bringing this memory to the forefront. Like any man, I need someone to believe in me. That day, I was essentially told that was not the case. I see now that the Lord believes in me, and the woman who loves me believes in me. Maybe now the healing in this area can begin. Maybe just maybe, I can understand that I’m worthy to be loved again. I like that. I’m hopeful.

Oh as a side-note…watch what you say to someone. We sometimes don’t realize the damage we can cause to a person's heart. We have such power with our words. Be careful and love one another.

Random Thoughts

2009-08-18T00:35:00.003-04:00

There isn’t a major theme to write about tonight. I have a few random thoughts worth mentioning.

- God has seemed a little distant from me over the past week or so. Since He’s always available thought would generally mean I have not been. I better get on that. I love talking with my Jesus.

- I have begun to think about my vows. We are writing our own for the wedding and not going the traditional route. Believe it or not, when talking in public, I am better at just winging it and expressing myself on the spot. I do not have the luxury of doing that this time. We need copies of the vows for our scrap book.

- Speaking of scrapbooks, I went to visit Jenn this past weekend in Princeton, New Jersey. We stopped at the Princeton University Store and I picked out a post card for our scrap book. I wanted Jenn to be able to have something to look back on with our engagement and we have had a great time out in New Jersey. The post card has a tiger drawing on it for the Princeton Tigers. We took pictures afterwards to have something to go with the post card.

- The past two years took their toll on me. My body is starting to show the effects of what I went through and I’m choosing to fight back.

- I caught parts of the Rams preseason opener against the Jets last weekend. The defense failed to impress in their series against Mark Sanchez, but overall I was impressed at how hard the Rams played. They have injury and depth issues already, and they are not as talented as the other teams in the NFC West, but I do believe they have turned a corner. I expect them to go 4-12 this season, but I am excited for their future. I hope to try and work it out to see them play next week in Cincinnati.

- The Angels pitching staff is horrible. They are fun to watch at 70-45, and Kendry Morales has been a pleasant surprise at first base, but they will not out-pitch teams in the playoffs. They have the Yankees’ number so they might take a series against them, but should they play Texas (its hard to believe Texas actually has pitching this year) or make it to the World Series and play a National League team, I just do not see them hanging.

- BJ Penn fought a great fight against Kenny Florian at UFC 101 and Anderson Silva was awesome in his destruction of Forrest Griffin. The rest of the card bored me. I missed the Cyborg-Carano fight, but it appears to have been a great one. I hope they get a rematch.

- I really miss Jenn. I want her home soon. I miss her so much and I am not ashamed or embarrassed to say so.

How Do You Define a Fan?

2009-08-12T00:59:00.003-04:00

The NFL season approaches and I’m starting to get hungry for football again. It seems like the Super Bowl was played ages ago and like I’ve aged like fine wine since the last time my Rams stepped on the field. Yes, I said it…my Rams, the same St. Louis Rams that went won only two games a year ago. How can I get excited about that? Well, honestly, I’m a fan. Okay, I’m a die-hard fan.

ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd has often described the fan as being short for fanatic and I tend to agree. How else can I look forward to each season thinking my Rams are going to play well this year or maybe just maybe my Angels will finally beat the Red Sox in a playoff series? The power of positive thinking is definitely at work when being a sports fan.

This year I have a different reason to be hopeful. I know the Rams are likely to not be very good. The team is young and respected new coach, Steve Spagnuolo, is just now getting his system in place in St. Louis. It just appears that the worst is over with the team. It appears like maybe the Rams will give me something more to cheer for. Maybe that’s how you define a fan: they do all they can to find something to cheer for, even when you know the season is likely not going to be bright. Anyways, check out CNNSI’s Don Banks in his assessment of the Rams so far in camp: Don Banks

I hope Mr. Banks is accurate. It would be nice to no longer feel embarrassed when I put on a Rams t-shirt.

To Love Someone

2009-08-10T08:44:00.003-04:00

It was not very long ago when I blogged about my dreams and then gave them to God. It was a heartfelt prayer that brought tears to my eyes as I wrote it. Who would have thought that giving something away that I held so dearly would result in meeting Jenn in just a few short weeks?

A couple months later, I started mentioning how some of my fears and insecurities were coming out. In June I wrote that I felt free of these concerns, but little did I know that I really was not free at all. The past few months were rough as I struggled to give all these fears to God over and over again. However, Jenn stuck with me. She’s proven to me that unconditional love exists. She keeps proving it every time I act like a child or when I am silent and do not want to talk.

This is what has become different for me. While I’ve never been afraid to love someone unconditionally, it’s been so surprising and even hard to accept that someone would love me in the same way, if not greater. I’m used to someone saying the words but being unable to take action. This is not a judgment against those I’ve dated or anything, it’s just in Jenn’s case I can truly see and feel her love being unconditional. She keeps pressing in on my heart. Where others have tried and failed or just plain never tried, Jenn succeeds in loving me and as she loves me, I am able to one-by-one hand my fears and insecurities to God.

As for loving Jenn, well it’s been amazing and an answer to the prayer I wrote out late one March night. I asked for a second chance to love someone, and I was blessed with a second chance soon after. How does that happen? I’ve done the best I can to run with it. I hope Jenn can agree that I’ve given myself into loving her. I study profusely what it is to be a husband and I seek God’s face on how to be a better man. There is such a long way to go, but to be in love, to live again, to hope again, it’s such an awesome feeling. I’m so thankful for a God that answers prayers and gives us the desires of our heart

News, News, and More News

2009-08-04T19:37:00.001-04:00

So here we are with the latest batch of updates, thoughts, and ideas. I hope you find it worth reading.

A. The wedding is starting to come together. It’s so soon, but yet still seems far away. As mentioned before it’s going to be October 17, 2009. The wedding starts at 11 a.m. at Cedar Falls in Hocking Hills State Park. We have nothing really big planned for it, so do not expect any kind of pomp and circumstance. The ceremony should last thirty minutes max and probably more like twenty. The dress code for all who are invited is pretty simple: just be presentable. Shorts are allowed. I just don’t want anyone there wearing nothing but a bright orange thong and sunglasses. I am not even wearing a tux, but just a shirt and tie. Mullets are allowed…

B. The reception will also be simple. Burgers, hot dogs, praise and worship, and maybe some other outdoors stuff. This is going to be located at the Old Man’s Cave picnic pavilion. We’re still organizing what we’ll need for this, but again we’re keeping it simple. We just want this to be a party. If it rains that day, we’ll also get married at the pavilion. I think it’s safe to say we’re both going to be praying for sunshine and mild weather.

C. Gary Fowler is going to marry us. Are you scared yet? We are.

D. We are not sure where we are going to live. I have steadily looked for jobs since we got engaged, mostly Chase jobs in Cincinnati. However, I can’t even get an interview for any of them. I can say I’m building a fancy collection of rejection letters. Not fun. I like my company so I’m not looking for anything in Columbus. However, Jenn may have some opportunities in New Jersey, and since I happen to love New Jersey (weird isn’t it?), we’re taking a long look at it. I have begun looking for jobs there.

E. I have not been around C3 as much recently with me traveling as much as I have been. I feel very disconnected from my church. I wonder if I’ve been missed by anyone.

F. Jenn and I are working on a logo for our wedding…well okay its more like her working on it. My idea seems to be okay, but it wasn’t what she was thinking of. I’m deferring to her on that one. However, if anyone has any good ideas do let me know.

G. Diana is back in the hospital. I find myself wondering if my sister will ever be healthy. She’s definitely a trooper

H. The Bathroom Spider met his/her unfortunate demise. I got out of the shower one morning to find him running across the floor towards me. Of course, that ended our tedious peace and now I have a spider-free bathroom. However, it’s a little odd not seeing him in his little corner any more.

I. Jenn competed this past weekend in the Whirlpool Steelhead 70.3 Half-Ironman in Benton Harbor, Michigan. I felt my blood curdling as I crossed the border into Michigan to see her race. Eww…Wolverine land. I can tell you it wasn’t fun waking up early and walking over mile down the beach for the swim start. Normally it would have been quite romantic, but not this time. Jenn was focused and I was cranky for getting up so early. I stuck around throughout the day though. I was there to cheer her on at the swim finish, at the half-way point of her run, and I was there at the finish line completely drenched in rain waiting for her when she finished. She walked right up to me as soon as she crossed the finish line, kissed me, and gave me her medal to hold onto. I was so proud of her and it was special later to have her tell me how important it was for me to be there.

J. Watching Jenn train like she has keeps pushing the competitive itch in me to the surface. I told her I’d train with her for next year. I’m not sure if I’m that kind of guy, but I love to compete. I need to find something. I figure if I try just once, I can always say with a smile that I did with a 70.3 and I love the idea of doing this with my teammate.

K. A guy from work who is also a writer recently read some of my blog and sent me some links to try and do some freelance Christian writing. I’m looking into it, and praying about it. I’ve had some people comment my writing and I like to write, but it’s not like I am a trained writer or anything.

L. I’ve really been making a better effort to spend time with the Lord of late. That’s lead to some interesting moments with Him in the past two weeks. Allowing the Lord to work in me is not fun at times. Not fun at all…

M. I think the BJ Penn/Kenny Florian fight this weekend is going to be a great one, and may well result in a new champion. That’s how good I think Kenny Florian has become.

A Sports Fan's Nightmare

2009-07-30T20:32:00.001-04:00

Many people living in northeast Ohio still remember the day when the Cuyahoga River set fire. It was symbolic of the dying economy and the results of years of industrial pollution that emanated throughout the region. Though the river was cleaned up and efforts were made to remake the Cleveland area, economic depression still paralyzes the region. It’s usual in sports that the people living in an area like this invest themselves into looking for a little hope and pride in their teams. However, Cleveland sports teams are proving to be capable of raising hopes and then crushing them with disappointment.

I’m actually not a fan of any Cleveland sports teams. My teams are on the west coast for the most part, but my family is full of fans of Cleveland teams, with the exception of my brother Jimmy who somehow chose the dark side by becoming a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Despite my lack of Cleveland favoritism it’s becoming hard to watch as my friends and family are continually disappointed by watching Cleveland sports teams rise, then crash, and in one particular case, even leave the city.

I’ll forever remember the image of Craig Ehlo diving while defending “The Shot” by Michael Jordan in the 1989 NBA Playoffs, which eliminated the Cavs, or the image of LeBron James leaving the court without shaking hands with Orlando Magic players following their loss in 2009 Eastern Conference Finals. Who can forget the three AFC Championship games the Browns lost to the Broncos, two of which can be considered games of the 1980’s? However, what’s hard to swallow is following an excellent 1994 season that left expectations of possible Super Bowl year in 1995, the bottom fell out as Art Modell and the city of Cleveland could not agree on a stadium deal to keep the Browns in Cleveland. The team fell apart with the distraction and Art Modell packed up the Browns for Baltimore. It was a bitter thing to watch the now Baltimore Ravens win Super Bowl 34 a couple years later. Now the new Browns have been mediocre at best and have been keen at raising expectations of fans before crashing back to the surface.

All of this brings me to the Cleveland Indians. Do you remember the division titles of the 1990’s? What about the World Series losses? Who can forget the 9th inning of the 1997 World Series where the Indians had their grasp on their first World Series title since 1948 only lose it on a Edgar Renteria liner off Indians’ pitcher Charles Nagy’s glove in the bottom of the 11th inning? What about Indians collapse in the 2007 American League Championship Series to the Boston Red Sox? They lead the series 3-1 before choking under the pressure. The Indians entered both the 2008 and 2009 season with high hopes, but now at mid-season trade deadlines have traded an unheard of two prior year Cy Young award winners as they dwell near the bottom of the American League Central standings.

The Indians, like the other Cleveland teams, continue to disappoint a fan base depressed economically and desperate for something to cheer for. This is what I call a fan’s nightmare. There is nothing to look forward to in a shredded economy and nothing to give the fans something to cheer for at home. I know a lot of people up in Detroit, Pittsburgh, or Cincinnati might be getting a kick out of watching Cleveland teams struggle, but this is getting painful to watch. It’s hard to watch an entire city go on all these years in futility. With Cliff Lee going to the Phillies yesterday for good prospects, but definitely not the top prospects that the Blue Jays wanted for Roy Halladay, you have to wonder if the Indians will ever make it around. I hope one of these teams does just to see a little excitement around here. Seeing the media cover teams that do not win gets old...fast.

Foul

2009-07-28T20:27:00.002-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4-94JhLEiN0&feature=player_embedded

By now I’m sure some of you have heard of the wedding dance video linked above has received over 10 million hits since July 19, 2009 on You-Tube. If you haven’t, go ahead and have a look. Its okay, I won’t be offended that you stopped reading to watch, at least not this time. I first saw this video over the weekend when I was recovering from whatever it was I had and I thought it was both hilarious and full of joy. I got curious and went to the You-Tube page on it and started reading some of the comments people were making about it, and while I’d say 90 percent of the comments were positive, there happened to be a few people trashing the video.

Many of them were Christians who were appalled that they would do a dance down the aisle to a secular song in a church. Some of them were openly offended just by the fact that there was dancing in a church that was not devoted to God. They called it disrespectful to God’s house. Some called the entire thing sinful and inappropriate. Attacks became personal where some of these Christians were openly calling this sin and even wishing some rather bad things to happen to these people who involved. This I find offensive…and I’m crying foul.

You are allowed to disagree with the actions people take. Everyone is allowed an opinion. However, when you begin to use God as the basis for a negative opinion, you better have your ducks in a row. Let me ask a question. In the Bible, is there anything noted as being wrong with dancing in a church? I mean come on; we play Frisbee at C3 church on Sunday mornings. I kid you not, just ask our visitors as they are the targets! I can see the complaint if the dancing was relatable to the movie “Dirty Dancing” but that was not the case! Some people are calling this sin? Really? Look, Biblically we are commanded to hold each other accountable and call out sin so it can be cleaned out. But we are also have guidance in the Bible as to what God regards as sin, and I just can’t find anything in the Bible to support this being called sin. If I am wrong, please someone tell me, and by all means, come with a verse.

I believe a lot of the criticism lobbied is mired in legalism. Everything has to be within the frame of traditional rules that sometimes exist for no reason at all. If it is something a little radical, then oh my lets destroy it. “It’s not proper!” “It’s not how God would want it!” “If dancing is not unto God, then it’s a sin,” is actually what I saw one person wrote. Really? Oh my, then life is going to be boring. News flash: when I marry Jenn, I have every intention of dancing with my wife in our home to music Christian or not (as long as it’s tasteful). Go on…tell me I’m sinning. Wait, let’s go one step forward and say if my Church ever wanted to host an event at church intended to celebrate marriage where we got to dance with our loved ones. Guess what? I’m in and we’d have a blast, and it’s not sin (as long as it’s tasteful). God loves to see a healthy marriage and what better place to grow a marriage then in a church! To do something like that is radical, just like someone else I know: Jesus. Tell me what’s more radical than coming to Earth with the sole purpose of dying for the world’s sins, following through with it, and then rising from the dead. Tell me that’s not radical! Oh and guess what, Jesus dying on the cross is the single greatest example of what legalism in history.

I think what also peeves me here is that some of these comments being made about the video are just so wrong that you have to wonder how on Earth that person can actively call themselves compassionate and loving Christians. We are supposed to stand up for what’s right and holy. However, since when are we ever to do it without love and compassion? Seriously, if you get the chance to read some of the comments (provided they weren’t censored yet) you’ll understand. As Christians have we lost the ability to love? Some people were even quick to note the was done by Chris Brown, who has faced legal issues concerning domestic assault against his girlfriend, Rihanna, and were using that as a basis of judgment. What Chris Brown did was wrong and inexcusable, but that does not mean his work is immoral. The lyrics to the song are a wonderful love song and less “expressive” than what you’ll find in Song of Solomon, which is in the Bible! David is regarded as Israel’s greatest king and a man after God’s own heart, but even David had a laundry list of sin that he was held accountable to. Oh and by the way, we Christians also treasure David’s musical works.

Finally, I ask why it seems that we never hear from these folks when there are far greater things to fight for. Why aren’t these voices being heard in relation to the homeless? What about for the sick? What about for those who are not walking with the Lord? Gees, just writing these words I’m convicted to get out and do more volunteering. The church needs to be more than a group of people who pick apart people’s actions looking for sin. When we do that, we give people the right to call foul on us.

Frustration

2009-07-27T21:27:00.001-04:00

Friday morning I woke up with a nasty stomach and ache. A couple hours later I was making visit to the lovely toilet next to the Bathroom Spider every twenty minutes or so, and a couple hours after that I was barely able to stand. I had a fever that broke over night Friday night and I didn’t start feeling normal again until midway through Saturday. In all I missed two days of work. That means I’ve now missed 5 days of work since I got hired in April due to illness.

I am really frustrated. I would occasionally get sick when I was in the service, but then I went about a couple years without getting sick at all. Now over the course of the past year, I’ve had periodic glitches like this. I have never been sick this much...ever. It had me stressed about potentially losing my job until I read my company’s attendance policy today. However, I want to be seen as dependable and as a guy about to get married to the most wonderful woman in the world for me, it certainly rips at my ego to have to tell her I’m not feeling well…again. What gives?

I don’t eat perfectly, but I’ve been eating healthier. I’ve managed to keep my weight right around 200 if not a little lighter. I could definitely stand to lose a few pounds, but I’m definitely not massively overweight. I just have a little chunk…you know…just a bit. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I stay out of trouble and generally live a clean life. I’m not sure what the glitch is. Any ideas?

Well, don’t mind the vent. Venting through writing is a good release and I am glad I’m able to work and be a part of the conversion team today.

Stanley Cup

2009-07-25T22:28:00.004-04:00

Well I couldn't help but get a kick out of this image of Sidney Crosby sleeping with the Stanley Cup. Traditionally players from Stanley Cup winning teams have done some odd things with the Cup and here is further proof of it. Anyone know of any good Stanley Cup stories?

The Bathroom Spider

2009-07-23T00:05:00.002-04:00

So I moved in with Micah a few months ago and while the apartment is nice, it’s right in front of a patch of woods. This means insects galore. This hasn’t been much more than an annoyance so far, but recently a friend took up residence in my bathroom…a spider.

So let me tell you that I’ve long been afraid of spiders including one embarrassing incident a couple years ago in my old apartment that I will give no further comment on. After the unfortunate incident, I became determined to no longer be afraid of them, while of course spraying the apartment down every three months to keep spiders out. I have been successful so far at not freaking out when a spider is around in this apartment, but you know this newest one has been my greatest challenge.

This little guy has taken up residence on the floor near between my toilet and the sink. He’s a fast little bugger too. If startled, he’s gone. He seems to taunt me by just being there though. I came up with the rule that as long as he stays in his corner, I will let him live, while every instinct says kill him. Now let me tell you first hand, while I love animals, I’m no PETA activist. I’m not going to shed a tear if Mr. Spider meets his untimely demise, but part of me wants to let him live so just to fight back the old arachnophobia. I sometimes actually say hello to him (yes, I’m weird), and yesterday I actually caught him enjoying lunch (another spider!). Interesting…

However, I’ve noticed the little guy starting to expand his boundaries. Today I found him at the far end of the sink, ever so close to my trash can. I startled him to get him to run back to his corner. This is a little nerve wracking. So is it time to kill him, or do I let him continue to run wild? I don’t even know what kind of spider he is. What do you think? Is it time to end the Bathroom Spider’s life?

To the Beginning

2009-07-21T20:00:00.001-04:00

I recently wrote about how my fears from the past were holding me back. I’ve been praying about it and seeking Godly counsel from people like Pastor Gary Fowler while still struggling with the weirdness in my own mind. It has not been easy either with Jenn spending two months in Princeton, New Jersey on an internship and therefore forcing us to communicate by words only. However, we have made it so far with both some up days and some down days. We seem to keep growing closer.

This past weekend I drove out to see her in New Jersey. It was a bit of a homecoming for me as I spent my first tour of duty in the Navy stationed onboard the USS Supply, which was homeported at NWS Earle in Leonardo, New Jersey. I used to drive the same route out to New Jersey all those years ago and as soon as I passed mile marker 160 on I-76 all the memories started pouring in.

There were a lot of beginnings out there on the New Jersey coast. I served my first tour of duty there and in the process took part in two overseas deployments. I also spent the first 18 months of my marriage out there too. With all the military hardships and the pain that I went through with the divorce there were definitely some ghosts hidden away in my closet.

On Saturday, Jenn and I got in the car and headed out to the New Jersey coast line. I showed her where I used to live on base. I drove her down the same road I used to drive to get to work. I took her to the mall I used to frequent, Monmouth Mall and actually looked at wedding stuff there (no dice though on finding anything). She bought me some sandals (yay for presents) and then we went to the beach in Sea Bright. I can’t tell you how long we were there, but once again we found a way to have a romantic time. We walked along the beach stopping for a kiss, and looking for shells to remember the occasion. It was quite romantic and I can tell you that is one of those moments where I felt so close to my fiancé.

The sun began to set so we got back in the car and drove to NWS Earle. I parked in the visitor parking lot, put my arm around Jenn, and proceeded to tell her about how the base has changed. I told her stories about the place and marveled at its changes. It was surreal sitting at the gate I used to drive through. I could still see the old bus stop we used to wait at to get a ride up the pier. Jenn didn’t see it, but there was plenty of emotion welling up in me.

After a few minutes, I took her into Atlantic Highlands, which was my favorite hangout spot. It was right next to the base and if you went out by the docks, you could see the three mile long pier that jutted out into the middle of the bay. I parked the car and we walked close to the water’s edge. We stared at the now empty pier and I struggled to hold it in. I understood now that just like the ships are now gone, so is the man that I was. I’ve spent so much time recently dealing with fear and insecurity, yet here at this moment, with Jenn standing beside me, it was done. I have no doubt that God ordained that time out there for me. It was the past meeting the future, and I chose the future.

We went to a local restaurant and enjoyed dinner together and then drove back to Princeton. There was such a peace within me. I am not afraid any more. I am not who I used to be. Those days and my past are behind me. I have been blessed with a second chance to both live and have someone to share life with. I can not waste it. I will not waste it.

Jenn was amazing this weekend. She wanted to go with me and learn more about me. She wanted to see where I’ve been. Jenn could have been mired in insecurity thinking that I was unable to get over my past. Instead, she understood that it wasn’t any one thing or person that was holding me back, but my fear of failure that was holding me back. She just loved on me and loved being with me. I can not say enough about what kind of woman she is. For the first time, I realized that her love for me truly is unconditional. Jenn would do anything for me. How blessed am I? She has changed my life and I’m honored to be the man she chose. Her love for me is truly sent by God, and I can’t help but be thankful about that. Here’s to new beginnings… I can’t wait until October 17th.

Every Day

2009-07-15T00:06:00.002-04:00

It seems that every single day I'm learning more about the man I am...and who I'm going to be. I see flashes of confidence, and I have moments where I'm like a child. I keep thinking I'm too old for this see-sawing back and forth and then I realize I'll likely be 80 years old one day and have my moments where I act 11. I'm thankful for the people I have in my life, especially Jenn, who know how to deal with me and love me, even when I'm weird.

Fear

2009-07-08T17:46:00.002-04:00

Since I started writing this blog it's been such a journey. I remember the many days I cried, and I remember all the hours I sat and asked God to end everything. I did not want to live this life. It was not a blessing, but instead a curse. Despite feeling cursed, I made the decision to move forward. I fought to save my former marriage. I ran towards God. I sought opportunities to serve, and I became vocal about what we as men needed to do to grow relationships. There was joy there because of my running towards God, but healing seemed to evade me. I never felt like God was there regardless of any effort that I made to draw closer to Him, and yet I still kept witnessing about Him. I chose to act in faith instead. I lived in fear of the future, of the unknown, and whether or not I could ever trust another woman in my life.

This fear has been a driving force in how I've dealt with people. I let friends get close. However, if you were a woman, you'd get close, then I'd freak out. Seriously, I'd freak out. Then came Jenn. There was something different about her. Something sure....something honest. She struck the right chords in me. She made me uncomfortable with how I was. She drew me in...and I pursued. Over time, I believe God has used her to break down walls in me that I didn't even know existed, and when I try and build new ones, Jenn will have none of it. She is relentless. Why do I love her? Among other reasons, its because she does not hide...THERE IS NO FEAR with her when it comes to me. She refuses to let me hide and as the future spiritual leader of our family, I must not hide.

Here's the thing... I feel like I'm at the apex of my journey. As Jenn and I move closer to our wedding date, all of my fears are coming out. All of the insecurities that I've been blogging about recently seem to running at me full speed. Before they were paralyzing me and kept me backing away from women especially, and now as I've finally been able to see the girl God has for me, these fears continue to be an obstacle.

So what is this fear? It's the fear of not being good enough. It's a fear of loss and abandonment. I've been left by people throughout my life and I'm to the point now where I sometimes don't feel like I'm good enough to love. I understand that's a lie from Satan and that God made us to love, and to be loved. Jenn has not given me any reason to believe that she would abandon me, and I have to have faith that the God who loves me is giving me a woman just as committed to righteousness as I am.

Okay, so what is the point of my ramble? I guess at the core of it, I'm tired of being afraid. I'm tired of fearing what might be. I need to man up and face this once and for all. I need to be the man that Jenn can depend on to be a fearless man of God, who prays night and day for His family and takes the role of spiritual leader in our home. I've had enough! I believe 2 Timothy 1:7 says it best:

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (NKJV)

This fear is not from God and it's time I had that sound mind. I need to be the other centered husband to Jenn. I understand that we all deal with insecurities, but this has to go. I need to be the Ephesians 5 husband. I need to die to myself to be a part of something greater. I also know that this is not something I can do on my own. The entire reason I write this is to ask those of you praying Christians who read this to pray for me and to hold me accountable. Because I love this girl so much, I'm willing to pour it out to you all here and say please...pray for me. I will no longer tolerate fear in my life.

July 4th

2009-07-04T20:40:00.003-04:00

Today is our country's 233rd birthday. We're basically a baby in comparison with most other country's, and here we are both loved and hated. Sometimes I can see why we are hated. We've made some poor decisions. At times we've hurt other countries with our policy choices. We've alienated many groups in order to take our place in this world. However, despite all of our mistakes and failures, I'm convinced that our country is one of the greatest causes for good on Earth. We still send billions of dollars in aid to other countries, even as our own people struggle. We've fought to protect the lives of those who could not protect themselves. The American people, Democrat, Republican, or Independent, have been willing to sacrifice our own lives for the greater good. Where other countries have been unwilling to get their hands dirty, we've stepped up and taken the lead in a world that resents us for doing so. I'm proud to have risked my life for nine years in our military to serve this country. I'm proud to have served next to so many other heroic men and women who would not hesitate to lay their lives down in the name of freedom.

That being said our country has taken some dangerous steps in the past few years. We've taken steps towards socialism with our recent domestic policy changes, and morally we've moved away from the foundations that this country was built on: God. If we allow our country to continue down these pathes we risk losing all that our forefathers fought for. On this day, our country's birthday, lets celebrate our escaping from tyranny and remember that we still have something to fight for: our country's goodness.

Meet the Parents

2009-06-30T10:31:00.000-04:00

Well, this weekend was interesting to say the least. Jenn and I both met our soon-to-be in-laws and I must admit, it went well. I was pleasantly surprised at how welcoming her parents were with me. They even fed me! I’m just kidding. Of course they fed me, but they genuinely enjoyed getting to know me a little bit too. I really enjoyed getting to know them a bit, and by getting to know them, I learned a little bit more about how Jenn is built.

Jenn meeting my parents turned out to be a little awkward. The kids were unusually shy and my dad managed to be AWOL, but she did enjoy meeting and talking with my mom. My mom liked her and even noted that she’d never seen me happier. Jenn and I even sang our songs for Sunday morning for the family.

By the way, we did sing for her parents’ church. I guess we did okay. I was still a little nervous, but I calmed down when I realized there were no tomatoes heading my way. I also earned brownie points for the weekend for taking Jenn to Grandpa’s Cheese Barn. Among the important things to learn about her so far is that she likes cheese…a lot. Ha!

Divorce

2009-06-26T05:06:00.001-04:00

I’m a little frustrated to watch the news nowadays. Everywhere I turn, there is someone getting a divorce. It’s just so hard to watch. The most recent one I saw was with the reality television show “John and Kate Plus 8” on the TLC Network. It’s frustrating to read their reasoning as to why the divorce is “necessary” and how easily they are playing it off like it’s better for their kids that they split apart. That rationale just doesn’t make sense. It’s not like the husband is abusing the kids or his wife. There is no real reason to just give up. I don’t know what kind of people they are or what exactly they are going through and I definitely want to be careful not to judge, especially since I am divorced too. However, I question their decision to divorce based on a few thoughts:

Have they forgotten the commitment that they made to each other when they married all those years ago?
Have they even tried counseling? Judging from the statements they’ve made, I can tell you that the book and seminar “Love and Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs would certainly be able to help them there. It doesn’t seem like they are even trying. Seriously.
Divorces affect your kids for the worse, not the better. It sets a poor example of commitment and leads the children to have to deal with parents who are often opposing each other instead of supporting each other. To try and say that getting a divorce is better for the kids is like saying that coffee is better for you than water. It’s just not true.

To me, if you really care about your kids’ welfare, you’d get your television show off the air, seclude yourself from the media, get counseling to repair your marriage, and prove to your children that a marriage is more than just words, it’s action.

I don’t mean to come across as judging. I’ve been there. I went through parental divorce and I went through my own divorce. It was worse than death for me, and it’s only taken God intervening in my life to get me to the point where I can love and trust again. I believe we have to fight for our marriages or else the commitment we made before God, family, and friends becomes absolutely meaningless. It seems people get married for the fun nowadays but are unwilling to help build something greater, and something greater is what God meant marriage to be.

Anyways, let’s keep that family in prayer, as well as other families. Satan seeks to steal, kill, and destroy, and where better for him to do that than within God’s created institution, marriage?

Songwriter

2009-06-24T17:14:00.000-04:00

When I was a teenager I used to spend a lot of time writing lyrics. In fact, I used to have binders full of them. I’d work on putting music to them and I’d often sit alone trying to sing them through. I didn’t tell many people I’d written these lyrics. Only a couple people really. In fact, if you were my friend and remember me showing you my binders of lyrics, raise your hand because I don’t remember. I’m pretty sure I showed a couple friends from church, but for the most part, they were a hidden part of me. However, there was one song that I wrote right before I went to boot camp that was pretty special, and I showed it to my grandmother. She loved it and took a copy of it and taped it up on her study door. She never took it down, and as far as I know, it was one of her most treasured memories about me.

A couple years ago when my grandmother passed away, my aunt gave me a box of memorabilia that Grandma kept of mine. The song that I’d given her was on the top of the box. I read it through and wished that I could write like that again. I knew it was a pipe dream, so I put the box away and moved on, missing that part of who I was. I used to sing, and I used to write. Now, I could do neither.

As I began walking towards God again, I began to really see my passion for music returning. I asked God to give me back my voice, and I’ve started to sing again. I’m not sure how good I am anymore, but I did sing at that wedding in May and I think I sounded okay, even though I was a nervous wreck. Something else also happened: I started to write again. It came out of nowhere; I just started writing. I’d be sitting at my desk at work and the words would just come. Then last week, I was over at Jenn’s place, and we had just enjoyed lunch together. As she went back to work, I grabbed a pen and paper and started writing. Twenty minutes later, Jenn heard me singing the song I’d just written and walked out of her office, looking at me funny. What’s going on with me? A few days later, I was trying to remember how the tune went for that song, and I finally got it and sang it for her. Suddenly, she just got up and walked out of the room. As she was walking out I asked her what she was doing. She called back that she was looking for a way to record the song so I wouldn’t forget it again, and so that she could figure out the chords for it. What? This thing is decent enough to record? Apparently! Now my mind is constantly moving… there’s music in my mind and words flowing out of it. Where’d this come from?

(Incidentally, Jenn has long desired to write songs for God, though she’s never been able to. Now, she’s ecstatic that perhaps He’s finally answering her prayer by giving me to be her partner in such projects. Pretty cool, eh? Yeah, we’ll make a good team. But she still hasn’t bought into my plan to form a band together. Ah, well, give her time!)

Father

2009-06-23T15:11:00.002-04:00

I understand that maybe I’m a bit late on writing this, but better late than never I guess. I’ve had time to really look back at how my life has changed since I became a Ciapala. You see, I used to have a different name until my step-dad adopted me when I was twelve years old. Before he made that choice to take me on as his son, I’d been through two separate father figures. One of them was abusive to both my mother and me before he decided to just leave his family. The second one was a good man who was overwhelmed and just made lots of mistakes with us. He later apologized to us for the things he did, and we definitely get along great now. However, that still left me without a dad. I had no one to look up to except Granddad and he was getting closer to passing away. (He did go to be with Jesus when I was 13.) Things changed when my mom married Mr. Frank Ciapala.

I remember when I found out that he and Mom were getting married. I was not happy at all. I was angry and didn’t understand yet another change in my life. Now I had to try and accept another person as an influence in my life. I went upstairs crying when my mom told me and hid in my room. Dad came over after work and my mom told him what happened. Instead of getting angry, he just came upstairs and knelt down in front of me. He asked me why I was upset and I told him. He smiled and shed a tear, at least from what I remember. He told me he loved me and wanted to adopt me. He wanted to be my dad. Then he hugged me. From that point on I was perfectly fine with the marriage and on November 8, 1990, when he adopted me, I couldn’t have been more proud to change my name. He accepted my mom and her three kids. He worked his tail off to provide, and in the process tried to give us a better life. I remember him taking me to my first baseball game. It was on July 20, 1991 at Three Rivers Stadium in Pittsburgh, and the Pirates lost to the Reds, 3-2. It was a great time and it was just the two of us. I’ll never forget it. I think my passion for baseball was born on that day.

Dad is flawed. We both are. We didn’t get along in high school and there were things that happened that we both regret, but we got it together when I joined the military and I know that he is very proud of me. I know he’s not perfect. In fact, I know that he makes tons of mistakes, just like me. However, I’m still proud to carry his name, and I believe that the day is not yet here where we will all see the best of him. So to him I say, “Happy belated Father’s Day.”

Power, Love, and a Starry Night

2009-06-16T00:28:00.004-04:00

This past Saturday, Jenn and I escaped the stress of post-engagement life and ventured out to Hocking Hills for a weekend of hiking and camping out. It was our first somewhat major trip as a couple and with it came certain stresses. It was also an opportunity for us to seriously seek God’s face for guidance as well.

So, we left Cincinnati on Saturday morning… oh, wait… we were both running late… so we left on Saturday afternoon. However, we put our sluggish start behind us and made our way up to Hocking Hills singing and working on our song that we’re going to sing at her parents’ church in a couple weeks. It was a fun time for me to just enjoy music with her. We arrived at about 3:30 and got set up. We chose to camp out at the non-electric area to get away from all the other campers a bit, but we gave up a large amount of space in order to have that isolation: literally, our plot was the size of my kitchen. (So, just for advice’s sake, stay away from campsite 84 at Hocking Hills State Park campground.) Anyways, we were off hiking by 4:00 o’clock and heading towards Old Man’s Cave. This was an interesting time for us. I’m sure Jenn wanted to see if I would be patient while she took picture after picture, and I had the opportunity to really see her in her element. You see, as much as Jenn is a city girl, she loves nature. It’s how she gets in touch with God. So it was just neat to see her in her element.

Of course, as we saw some of the sights there, we couldn’t help but think of how cool it would be to get married at a couple of these sites in Hocking Hills…

But in general, I just enjoyed being there with my girl. You see, while she’s the kind of girl that loves nature, I’ve never really been one to get excited about it. I used to just go to appease others. Maybe now I can see it’s about the company you keep because I was very happy to be there. In fact, I was looking forward to the trip the entire week! I’ll get more into this later but it’s just neat to see what God has done in me to change how I’m wired.

After the hike, we got cleaned up and headed into a nearby town, Logan. We found a little local pizza joint and enjoyed a delicious dinner together. The food was great, especially those heart attack-inducing breadsticks they served us. I think they used a stick of butter on those things! However, we had a great time and headed back to camp.

When we got back to the campground it was pitch black outside, so Jenn came up with the marvelous idea of watching the stars. We pulled out a blanket and laid it on our picnic table. She lay down next to me and within 10 seconds we saw a shooting star. The sky was so bright with stars, too many to count. I just lay there and marveled at God’s handiwork. I can’t believe we forget how big He is sometimes. Now I know why Jenn loves being out in nature so much, and I find myself wondering why I never noticed it before. Jenn fell asleep next to me as we watched the stars. It was one of the most romantic moments I’ve ever experienced. I truly love this woman.

The next day we got up, showered and sat down for some time with the Lord. We’ve been reading in Isaiah together so we just continued there. We prayed, and then we spent about two hours singing praise and worship. This had to be an interesting sight for the campers nearby, but we had a wonderful time worshipping God and practicing our songs. Have I mentioned that one my favorite things to do with Jenn is to sing with her? Afterwards, we packed up, ate, and hit the trails again. This is where I really believe God made our weekend.

We both had our thoughts going into this weekend. For me, as I’ve already written, I felt my insecurities were hindering me. But after spending time with Jenn this weekend, and having her express how deeply she loves me, I came to understand just how much these insecurities are affecting us. I’m learning that when you fall in love with someone and you begin that road toward marriage, you begin to allow that person to have power in your life. As I’ve struggled with insecurities, it has affected her, which in turn has affected me. In the end it becomes a cycle, and if not prayerfully and carefully considered, I believe it can destroy relationships. I honestly believe the talks that Jenn and I had out there in the woods on Sunday were ordained by God. We both left Hocking Hills feeling like we accomplished something. Personally, I felt set free from all the worries and concerns and truly able to love this woman while expecting nothing in return. I’m making a choice to finally let go of these insecurities and give them to God. I’m making the choice to love this woman unconditionally and to believe in the plan God has for us. I’m choosing to believe that we will honor the power that God has allowed us to have over each other and use that power to enthrone Him in the middle of our relationship. I believe that we two lovebirds will enjoy many more starry nights as we continue to pursue God together.

Selfish

2009-06-12T07:34:00.001-04:00

I wrote not too long ago about the insecurities that I deal with and how it seems to affect me on a daily basis. It’s botched up relationships, friendships, and has simply gotten in the way of some of my hopes and dreams for my life. Now with my recent engagement it seems like these old insecurities are rearing their ugly head again. It’s getting old, and to be honest, I understand that it’s becoming selfish.

When I let these insecurities get in my head it brings my attention back to myself instead of being able to give of myself to others, including God, my fiancé, my family, and my friends, etc. I hate that part of me and I want nothing more than to be able to purge that part of who I am. Why can’t I believe that I can be loved? Jenn obviously loves me or she’d never have said yes to marrying my sorry butt! It’s driving me crazy. It’s obvious that God loves me. I mean really, He’s blessed me all of my life despite all the times I’ve run from Him and despite all of my failures. He’s blessing me with a second chance at marriage with an amazing woman that adores me and is also very patient with me in spite of my shortcomings. Gah!! It’s so aggravating!

I don’t want to be internal. I want to be external. I need to love everyone around me and I can do that when I worry about myself. Jenn certainly deserves better than that. So as I work through stuff I’d ask you to pray for me and, as always, hold me accountable. I refuse to become my bio-dad.

Second Chances

2009-06-08T17:19:00.000-04:00

Ever since my marriage fell apart, it’s been a long journey to wholeness. Along the way I’ve made some good decisions, some weird decisions, and some poor decisions. I’ve helped people. God has used me to touch many lives, but when I’ve gone out on my own, I’ve made poor choices and have sometimes hurt people I care about. I’m not proud of these poor choices, as I’ve already blogged. I’ve made bad decisions in dating, friendships, and in dealing with co-workers. And every time that I can remember, I’ve paid the price one way or another. Now here I am looking back over the past two months and thinking, “How on earth do I deserve any of this?”

I’ve already written about Jenn. When we met, I was sporadically dating and didn’t think much of it, but within a week I realized there was something about her that seemed to reach into my soul. I started to talk and spend more time with her and started to feel things I hadn’t been able to feel in so long. That really doesn’t mean a lot because it’s really just feelings, right? However, I started to do more than feel. I started to know. It was fast, too. Everything was a whirlwind as I realized while driving down to see her one day that I was willing to do almost anything for her. I realized I was willing to lay my life down for her. Up until this point, I don’t think I ever really knew what love truly was. Even when I was married, I don’t think I understood it. It’s more than a feeling. It’s more than just a moment. This is where I have some regrets… I’ve said and done things in the name of love in my past which I’ve come to realize just were not the case. I should have known better. I claim to know God, and GOD IS LOVE! In all of this, I’ve hurt people! Not just people I’ve had relationships with, but my friends! I can’t believe I’ve hurt people like this. Oh my…for anyone that’s reading this that I may have hurt, I’m sorry and I ask your forgiveness.

This is where I get down to the true subject here: second chances. As Jenn and I began to grow closer, she started to get into my heart like no one really ever has. Ok…let me stress that again. She started to get into my heart like no one ever has. This concerned me and I started praying. I also stopped talking to or dating anyone else. This happened probably within the first seven days of meeting her. She had me flipped upside down and all around. It scared me and I started praying. I literally started asking God to get her out of my life if she wasn’t supposed to be a major part of it because I saw what was happening in me: I was beginning to trust her. I was telling her deeper things than even my closest friends knew. I prayed and prayed and prayed some more. But the more I prayed, the more I felt I should pursue. And the more I pursued, the more my heart grew for her. It was fast and didn’t take long, but I fell in love with this woman. It wasn’t just a feeling, but a truth. I saw that I was willing to die for her. I wanted to be that guy in her life, and I wanted her to be that girl in my life. I continued pursuing her, even though I knew she didn’t initially feel that same love. As I prayed, I grew more confident in what was going on between us. We became “official” and that was special in itself, but the growth continued, and out of nowhere, Jenn told me that she loved me. It was completely unexpected, but you could tell how true she felt in saying it. Talk about change, right?

Well, more change continued to come. Right before Jenn went out to California for her brother’s wedding, we actually broached the subject of marriage. By now I understood that I could one day marry her, but it was just a small thought in a grander scheme. However, when she left for California, I realized how real everything was. I didn’t just understand that I could marry her one day, but I realized that this girl was indeed the girl for me. I missed her presence in my life every day she was gone and I simply longed to hear her voice. I could tell that it was the same way on her end. When she got home, the subject became more real. Jenn is the girl for me to marry. So we talked a little more and then we actually went ring shopping. Trust me: during this time I was praying… I didn’t go into this blindly. The next day, I bought the ring…and on Friday, I asked her to marry me.

Okay, okay, okay…I’m sure there are quite a few people going HOLD ON…. Isn’t this way too fast? Are you sure about this? I know Jenn has been asked these questions, and even though no one has really said that to me, I’m sure someone has thought it. Well, trust me, it may be fast, but I didn’t rush. It may seem rash, but there was a lot of prayer and even some fasting that was involved. In the end, I simply understood that I love this girl and I wanted to spend my life with her, and I didn’t need the traditional 8 months plus to figure that out. Jenn is the woman I love, and I happen to be the man she loves, and we both understand what we are getting into. So if anyone here is concerned about the timing, thank you. Just understand that sometimes things can’t be explained with normal logic or tradition. Sometimes we defy all logic. In this case, the logical mind states that we are rushing, but the truth is there was no rush involved, just two people who understand that they don’t want to live this life without each other. You don’t have to believe what I’m saying; that’s fine. Regardless, marriage is a serious step that we are preparing to make, and we need your support, prayers, and knowledge to get it right.

Please understand that we both know this is our second chance. We both know this is a blessing, and neither of us is willing to risk that second chance. I don’t deserve this second chance, but instead God has blessed me with a woman that has surpassed every hope and dream I could imagine. So here’s to second chances. May we honor God with them, especially considering that without His grace, we don’t deserve them.

Passionate

2009-05-29T22:56:00.002-04:00

Sometimes we don’t realize how passionate God is, especially for his people. Over the years as I’ve read and studied the Bible, I’ve focused on the stories and the teachings, and maybe occasionally noticing that God is passionate, but today was different. I’ve been in the book of Isaiah for awhile and today as I was reading in chapter 44, I saw how God had raised up Cyrus to allow the exiles to return to their homeland. I was astonished by God's passion for his people as seen in verse 22 and continuing through 23. Take a look:

“I have swept away your offenses like a cloud, your sins like the morning mist. Return to me, for I have redeemed you. Sing for joy, you heavens, for the Lord has done this; shout aloud, you earth beneath. Burst into song, you mountains, you forests and all your trees, for the Lord has redeemed Jacob, he displays his glory in Israel” (Isaiah 44:22-23, TNIV)

Do you see the passion in His words? Do you feel them etching onto your heart? At the moment I first read this today I was astounded by the passion that God displays not only in this passage but throughout the entire Bible. How often do we miss this? His passion for His creation is so deep. He uses words that describe his passion like '"sing", "burst", "shout" and "swept" when describing His actions and desires in celebrating the redemption of His people. If you ever sit back and truly wonder, “Does God care?” then you definitely have your answers in the passages. Of course, the greatest example of His passion is found in Christ. It simply amazes me how much God truly loves us.

I Am Not a Nice Man

2009-05-27T22:09:00.001-04:00

Over the past few years and as far back as I can remember I’ve had the label of “nice guy.” A recent quiz that I took on Facebook reminded me of that when it labeled me as the “Nice guy that everyone thinks is gay.” That struck a chord with me because there were plenty of people in high school especially who saw me as the nice guy…who might just be gay. So while I thought the quiz was funny, and I’m glad some fellow Facebookers got a laugh out of it, I was reminded that I’ve kind of always been the guy that is seen as the nice guy. The sensitive guy…the one all the girls could talk to back in the day, but yet none of them would date. (Most of my girlfriends were outside of the friendly confines of school.)

I’ve come to realize over time that one of the things my ex desired was for her man to be a man of action. I was much more passive and I let the world beat me down. I didn’t often say “no” to her, or anyone else for that matter. I was docile and in truth, I failed to be a good protector. In the end, I lost her and she’s out there doing whatever it is she is doing and I’ve had to make changes in my life in realization of who God and Jesus really are.

There is something that I want people to understand: while I may have the nice guy personality, I am not a nice man. I’m trusting God to make me into a good man, which is far different than a nice man. I’m learning that the world’s definition of a nice man is a “yes” person who is passive and avoids confrontation. I’m seeing that the nice guy of today often lacks the courage to do anything more than be the shoulder to cry on, or be that special friend that a girl can depend on but doesn’t date because she has her eye on the guy with the courage to stand up and be real. I’m not passive anymore. Sure, I might be the shoulder that Jenn cries on if need be, at least I believe I am, but I can tell you this, if she’s wrong on something, I tell her, and I expect the same from her. If there is a problem that needs solving, I’m there…no questions asked. God didn’t call us to be the passive, little nice guys that many Christian men are today. We aren’t always supposed to be politically correct and proper. Jesus was not always so proper. Was it proper of him to drive solicitors out of God’s temple? No, it was not. But was it the righteous and holy thing to do? Absolutely!

I keep running this race towards God and the more I run towards Him, the more I understand that the true definition of a man isn’t just in how nice you are, but instead it’s about how far you are willing to go to be the man that God wants you to be. Does this mean being mean to people instead Mr. Nice Guy? No, of course not. However, it does mean telling someone “no” from time to time. It does mean protecting those who are hurting. It means taking action. It means being a man of integrity with the torch that lightens those dark corners of the earth. It means being a good man, not the defined nice man that we see today.

Heart

2009-05-22T21:06:00.001-04:00

I find it amazing how easily the human heart can grow hard or cold if we aren’t careful. I’m convinced that Proverbs 4:23 is about guarding your heart from more than just having your heart broken, but from leading us down a road to where we could break someone else’s heart. I mean that more than just in a relationship with someone. I mean it with all people. We aren’t really a reflection of God’s love if our hearts are cold towards people. We’re supposed to unconditionally love all people. We’re supposed to have compassion for all people.

I recently had someone tell me that during her marriage, her now ex-spouse told her that if she wanted unconditional love then she needed to go God or her parents instead of him. As far as I understand, this was a solid Christian man at one point. I know a woman who was once called by her former youth pastor the most faithful and committed young lady he had known, and now she has grown cold towards people that she once loved, and looks to please only herself. I remember how I used to be. I never meant my ex any harm or anyone else for that matter, but at one point, my heart grew colder towards people. I stopped loving…I grew selfish. As a result, I lost much, and I lost so many opportunities to build others. I have years of lost opportunities where I could have encouraged so many people.

Hardening your heart doesn’t happen overnight. It’s slow. It’s a process. Do you really think that Pharaoh’s heart grew cold overnight? The Bible notes that God hardened his heart, but if you put that in perspective, if your heart is filled with the love of God, it’s not going to harden. Solomon started his reign in Israel with his eyes upon the Lord. When he began focusing on the world is when things began unraveling for him. It’s impossible to have the loving heart God desires us to have when we don’t have relationship with him. Look at Proverbs 4:23 again:

“Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.” (NIV)

It is the wellspring of life. Our lifeblood comes from God and his love pours out of us. We need to guard that wellspring. We can’t let it be drained by sin and selfishness. I saw a great quote on Facebook this morning that my friend Eric Obert noted: “The opposite of love isn’t hate. It’s selfishness.” I wonder where he got that quote from, but it’s true. So guard your heart from those things that may hurt you, but also guard it from the things that may prevent you from sharing the love of God with others…remember His love is unconditional.

Jenn

2009-05-21T20:00:00.003-04:00

So I met this girl. It started off meeting online (go ahead…poke fun at me, I don’t really care) where we got the facts about other. We started emailing a bit, which eventually became like we were writing novels to one another, and then we finally started talking on the phone. Before I even spoke to her, I knew I wanted to ask her out, and the first time I spoke with her became a four hour phone call. Okay, for those of you following along, yes that’s one hour longer than the S.S. Minnow’s three hour tour. We laughed, joked, and in general just poked fun at each other for the entire call, while getting some serious conversation in as well. She got me interested. So our first date was just a simple date in Cincinnati. I took her to dinner and a movie down on the Ohio River. We even talked over ice cream on the bridge crossing between states. The view of the water on the bridge was awesome, but as I discovered, so was the company. She was rather quiet and tired, considering she had just run 20 miles that morning preparing to run the Flying Pig Marathon, so by the time I dropped her off, I didn’t think she had as good a time as I did. I drove away thinking that she probably was not interested.

Well guess what? I was wrong. At first we were just going to be friends. I wasn’t in a hurry to be exclusive but I was very interested. She wanted to play the field a bit. You know, enjoy dating people, have a little fun, make new friends, etc. The only thing is that as I started growing closer to her, I couldn’t get her out of my mind. Apparently, I was having a similar effect on her, and almost seven weeks later…well here we are. She’s my girlfriend. It happened pretty fast, and I pretty much blew her whole plan to date around out of the water. It’s kinda funny actually.

I can tell you now that I enjoy virtually everything we do together, whether it’s going riding or running. Whether we’re on the couch watching a movie, or at church, I just enjoy this woman. My favorite thing to do with her is to sing praise and worship with her playing the guitar. We sing very well together. I’m learning that she’s trustworthy and very caring. I’m seeing a woman devoted to serving God. She’s quickly becoming my best friend. I can talk to her about anything without fear of judgment or being rejected. She accepts me for all that I am, and believes in the man that God has planned for me to become. The point I’m trying to make is that this woman, Jenn, has become a great blessing in my life. I don’t know what the future holds in terms of our relationship, but I can tell you that I have high hopes for her and for the first time, I’m not afraid to see what lies ahead. So everyone, meet Jenn. She’s a pretty awesome girl.

Someone Told Me I Can’t Today

2009-05-18T22:42:00.000-04:00

I’m tired of it. I truly am. I’m a 30-year-old man, who for most of those 30 years has been told that he can’t do this and can’t do that. “Derek, you can’t join the Air Force, they won’t take you with a webbed toe.” (Yes, I have a webbed toe) “Derek, you’ll never get into college, you’re too stupid.” “Derek, you’ll never amount to anything” Blah Blah Blah. I’ve seriously had enough. Have I not proven, backed by a Holy God, that I can accomplish things? I made it through 9 years in the military, with my temper being what it used to be, and still made it to First Class Petty Officer. I managed a 3.59 GPA at The Ohio State University, when all I could muster in high school was a 1.93. Yes…that’s right…a 1.93. I survived a divorce that brutalized me physically, mentally, and emotionally and I kept going… I kept the faith. I stood tall. I made mistakes, but I made it. Yet, I still hear, “Derek, you can’t do this.” Says who?

Today, I was talking to a manager about the possibility of working late October 18th so I can run the Columbus Marathon that morning. It’s the Sunday of the final Washington Mutual conversion to Chase and we are needed to work. I was inquiring about the possibility of working later that day so I can run it instead of the November 7th Indianapolis Marathon, and this guy that I work with proceeded to question whether or not I could do it. As I was coaching him on a call, he then told me that I could run the marathon sure…I could run the drink stations or I can run the finish line. He thought it was funny, I certainly didn’t. I’m just tired of people doubting me. This guy doesn’t even know me, but I felt torn down that someone would tell me I can’t. Please let me clarify, I don’t think he meant anything bad by saying what he said. I’m sensitive on this and I will continue to be. I’m going to run it, Lord-willing. Kidney stones won’t stop me, my ankles won’t stop me, and my past failures won’t stop me. So that being said…I welcome anyone who wants to stay on my butt for this. I’m running this race.

I admit that I need help though. I can’t run it without God. I can’t do anything without Him. It sounds weird for me to say I need him for such a personal venture. However, I need Him with me. I need Him running that race besides me. It’s only through Him will the right people breathe life into my heart and mind. It’s only through Him that I can even live. I’m going to run it, and I won’t be alone. I can and will do this

Insecurities

2009-05-08T20:20:00.003-04:00

You know they say women are not attracted to insecure men. I guess that means for the most part I’d be in trouble. I’ve never really felt secure in who I am. I see so many flaws and a riddled past. I see a failed marriage and broken friendships. I truly long for a day when all my little insecurities will no longer be an issue. It’s affected me for years, and only got worse when I went through the whole divorce process. I’ve been through so much healing and so much of who I am has become new, but I still struggle to shake the lack of confidence I have in some parts of who I am. I mean certainly, I’m good at a quite a few things. However, there are weaknesses in my armor. Am I worth truly loving one day? Am I good enough? These questions don’t just linger in the back of my mind, but they haunt me. I know it’s affected my friendships and kept me from giving myself to one person. I recently lost a friend because of how I can be. It’s time for a change.

I’m fortunate that there is someone in my life who does believe in me and does trust me, and that, in part, helped make the decision to jump into a relationship easy. She’s seen me be insecure and instead of being turned off, believes in who I’m going to be. I’ve grown tired of not believing in the person God created me to be, and I’ve grown tired of a few people close to me not believing in me either. So in that I’m thankful for a handful of people in my life who probably know me better then I know myself, and another that is well on her way. I’m just tired of feeling like I’m not good enough. That’s my prayer right now. I need to feel the Father’s arms around me and Him charging me to move forward. I need to feel His strength in me. I’m simply done with all these little insecurities.

Endure

2009-05-07T23:33:00.003-04:00

Let me tell you that I have a lot to write about over the next couple of days. It’s been such an interesting life to live this past month. I’ve been spending a lot of time in Cincinnati of late and I must say I’ve been inspired. The young woman I’ve been seeing is the motivated sort. You know the kind of person that will climb a tree just to prove she can or the kind of person who will run a marathon because she believed she could. Well, this past weekend…she did, and then she bucked up and accompanied me to Isaac’s wedding. Talk about enduring. This was her first marathon. I met her at the finish line and she was hurt and exhausted, but she had made it through. She endured. It's really got me thinking about some of the things I missed.

You see I started the year off with a resolution to race in a hundred mile bike event this year, but as much as I love cycling, there has been an itch that I've wanted to scratch. You know, something missing that I once had hoped to do. When I was serving in Italy in 2001 a group of us guys decided that we were going to run the Venice Marathon that following October. So we started training...and training...and training...and oops I messed up my ankles following an 8 mile Saturday run. It wound up being bad enough that I had to go into physical therapy and that was my race. Only one of us made it to Venice that year, and he tore his quadriceps muscle at about halfway through the race. It was a bittersweet ending to that group.

Now here I am eight years later watching people I respect do things I'd hoped to do. I loved it when Konan did an Iron Man a couple years ago. I thought it was pretty awesome when a couple of friends started doing triathlons yet here I am once again wishing I had the courage to endure the struggles and go for it. It's ironic that I say that because anyone who knows me knows how much I've been through. However, this is different. This is personal and this seems to follow me in every activity that I take part in. I need to do it...and so I am. I'm going to run the Chicago Marathon on October 12th this year. I'm not looking to make this a career or anything. I'd much rather just choose to do this once and then go get involved with cycling. This is just something I want to do. I need to do it just to be rid of the old and in with the new.

Now I know I'm going to need accountability on this. I'm sure there will be times when I try and bum it out, so if anyone wants to hold me accountable on this, please do. I need it.

A special thanks to those who have endured me since my divorce...I haven't always made right decisions. I've made quite a few mistakes. I've hurt feelings and I've lost a couple people close to me. Thanks for sticking by me and believing in what God has been doing in me. I'm going to do this and hopefully find a way to glorify God in the process.

A special thanks to Jenn for reminding me about what it means to have determination and to follow through on what you start.

If anyone has any good marathon plans send them on over. I can use all the help I can get. I'm looking forward to enduring all that I need to do to make this happen. It's important to me now. I must endure this.

Vulnerable

2009-04-30T19:41:00.002-04:00

I'd like to tell you that I've lead a pretty easy life with most things going as I'd hoped they would. I'd like to tell you that every risk I've ever taken has worked out and that I've been able to do amazing things because of them, but none of these scenarios are true. Life hasn't been easy. At times its been difficult and very painful. It's caused me at times to be paralyzed with fear and to be unwilling to do anything risky. It's about being vulnerable in front of other people...and in front of God.

I can remember back when I was in high school and I was scheduled to sing at church on a Wednesday night. I was pumped about singing for God in front of my friends and my parents, especially my Dad, because he was going to come watch that night. He never came to watch me sing. However, that night we got into a horrible argument and I lost my voice midway through. When it was over I did not know how I was going to sing that night, and now my dad wasn't going to come anyways. With tears in my eyes, I made myself vulnerable before God. I asked Him to get me through that night. Without Him I was going to be embarrassed and heartbroken. The song that I was singing was a very stressful song to sing. I really did not know if I was going to be able to sing it and I was scared. The thing is I did sing that song in front of all those people, and I didn't do it alone. I had the aid of my Father that night. It was one of the best performances that ever came out of my mouth. You see that is what happens when we take risks and allow ourselves to be vulnerable before a Holy God.

As the years went on, I stopped doing that. I was always a risk taker and by me not taking risks and trusting in the Lord...even when vulnerable, I was losing my identity. Over the course of 9 years of marriage, I lost my identity completely. I was left fearing loss and taking no real risks at all. I was tired of being hurt and left behind. I had no self esteem. When thinking of the man that I became, it doesn't surprise me that my ex left me behind. I was nothing like the Derek that she once knew.

Then I remember a sermon Konan preached back in January 2008 called Chasing the Lion based off of Mark Batterson's book, "In a Pit with a Lion on a Snowy Day. It teaches about taking risks and going after the opportunities that God places in front of you.
God got ahold of me through both the book and Konan's teaching...and taught me about risk. He taught me about true vulnerability. He washed me clean and restored me to what I once was...the risk taker. Thanks to that restoration, He's used me in the lives of others and helped me become more like Him. The thing is now, the stakes are getting higher. Recently my life has changed dramatically. Old doors have closed and new doors have opened. There has been some heartbreak in the process but I've weathered the storm. I've taken risks in getting a roommate, buying a new car in this economic situation, and allowing my heart to open up to others despite the fact I'm scared to death of getting hurt again.

Yesterday, after prayer and just some soul searching in general, I took the greatest risk of I've ever taken and now I'm mortified of what I've done. I'm now so very vulnerable and I'm not sure how to deal with it. The risk is so great but so is the reward...man...the truth is I'm vulnerable now more then I've ever been. I guess I just have to trust God...He's a pro with vulnerabilities.

*By the way, don't call or email to find out this one. This is going to be close to the vest for awhile, but I would appreciate your prayers.

Car

2009-04-27T23:34:00.002-04:00

I realized recently that my car was dying. Maintenance was piling up on it and it was becoming a concern that it would hold me back from taking part in events that I wanted to take part in. I've taken to simply thanking God that it got me to work all the time. However, after a recent oil change I knew I needed to buy a car soon. I also knew that I wanted to buy new. I wanted that car to be mine from the beginning with no history to it. It's been in the back of my mind for awhile now. I just haven't had the courage to go for it.

Today was a normal day. I was on my home from work on I-70 and saw a sign for a Toyota dealership and I remembered the ad that was on the River 104.9 for them. I figured I'd stop in just to look around. I wanted to see what was going on. I felt like I was being pushed to go there...so I went. When I got to the lot I felt completely at ease about it. I talked to a dealer and we first started looking around at cars. I started asked more pointed questions and inside I started praying. Originally, I was only going to lease. In fact, when I went inside I started talking to the dealer about leasing. I prayed and while the dealer was away for a moment I called my mom. She was very persistent about me not getting a lease. When the dealer came back, I told him to check on buying. I prayed some more...and more, and I finally negotiated the dealer down to almost the same payment I would have been making had I leased it. I agreed to buy the car and was sent over to the finance guy.

While talking I saw an opportunity and made the statement, "This car is about my faith more then anything." He looked at me and said, "I'm curious, why do you say that?" I looked him in the eye and replied, "Because buying this car in an economic time like this with me working at a job I just got hired at means I'm trusting in the Lord to take care of me." He looked at me for a moment and didn't seem to know what to say. I thought to myself, "Wow, where did that come from?"

I think tonight I had a divine appointment with that man...just to share a little bit about faith. When I bought this car, I didn't freak. I trusted God and I believe that having this car is peace of mind that I'll be able to go wherever God needs me to go on the drop of a dime. Making the payments will be close every month and I have to change my spending habits, but I understand what happened in that dealership tonight. The Lord was with me.

Patience

2009-04-25T21:05:00.002-04:00

So anyone who has been close to me knows that I can be impatient. I actually used to be alot worse but life's trials have made me a bit more resilient. Still a recent example has me a bit frustrated, and as with any single guy...it's about a girl. There is someone in my life that I've grown to really like (ok...sounds so high school right?) but it seems that what I'm wanting isn't close to what she's wanting. My gut instincts are telling me...patience. My mind is telling me...do what I always do...press in (bad idea really). My heart, well my heart just likes the girl and wants her to be happy. It's hard to like someone and really want something, but then you have to know to be patient and trust God with it. That's my problem really. I keep saying I'm going to trust Him with my life, purpose, journey, relationships, and then I grab onto the wheel. When I grab the wheel it becomes more like I'm playing bumper cars then riding in a car. I think I'm more of a control freak then I realize.

I need more patience with people (like that girl who happens to be very special) and I need more patience in my God. He's never failed me...never will. He'll work all those things out in my life. Psalm 27 reminds us to wait on the Lord...and of course we all know that Paul said that "He who began work in us will complete it." I know I'm asking for trouble on this one, but I'm going to go ahead and say it. My prayer for today is that the Lord would give me more patience. Ok...now that I've said it, lets watch the adventures I start having. Happy Saturday!

What I Want...

2009-04-21T17:20:00.003-04:00

I've rarely spoken about what I want in relationships. I've always had some kind of soap box to jump on to about the Lord and the church, but I guess for once I'm just feeling the need to share what I want or maybe what I hope for. It's difficult for me to lay down my heart about women for the public to read. A few out there might even believe I don't deserve a second chance in view of my past failures. However, I feel the need to define what it is I want in a woman and let me make it clear that through the resurrecting power of Christ, I do deserve a second chance at a life with someone.

I want a woman who is her own person. I don't want a twin, but a partner. I want a woman who is willing to take risks. The entire Christian walk is a risk, and to me an unwillingness to take risks represents a lack of faith in the Lord's care. Honestly, that's an area I have to pray about everyday too. I want a woman who is fine with me sharing my heart about how I feel about them, life, and most importantly, where I believe God wants me. I'm one of the few highly emotional guys out there and I need a woman who can find it endearing instead of weird. I want a woman who is willing to let me be who I am as much as I am willing to let her be who she is. I want a woman who is logical, but is able to be in touch with her heart too. That in itself is a challenge for me because I'm always running with my heart, and therefore struggle to be logical!

I want a woman who is willing to allow me to be the hero and point them to the true Hero. I want a woman who understands that Christ did not call us to judge people, but to love them. It's okay to call out a sin...but we aren't supposed to destroy the person committing the sin. I want a woman who is able to forgive me... I am indeed a walking screw-up. I want a woman in my life that treasures the time we spend together. I used to take this for granted, but now I understand what it truly means. I want a woman who is willing to go out of her way to tell me how she feels about me. It's not fun trying to figure out smoke signals.

I want a woman who will let me treat her as I see her to be, not what she thinks she is. Satan is on a mission to destroy the wonders that God made in a woman. If a woman just sees herself as nothing beautiful, then Satan has done his job. If a man is unable to see in himself the Godly masculinity (thanks for the term Tim Buttrey) that should be there in his heart, then Satan is doing his job. Therefore, I need a woman who will let me express to her how amazing she is. I need her to understand that I'm going to see the beauty in her that God created, not the garbage that the enemy wants her to believe. I need her to let me be the knight that God intended me to be.

I guess the whole reason I write this down is to remind myself too. I've spoken with someone recently who has done a heck of a job reminding me of what I want. However, I needed to write this down on my own. I've known what I wanted for a little bit now, and I just need a record of it. I need to remember what I'm looking for and I need to be able to recognize it when I see it.

Observance

2009-04-11T21:04:00.004-04:00

A couple things caught my attention today. I'm going to just rewind a bit though. I had to work the 11-8 today and had my lunch at 3. I figured that nothing was open at work to get food from, so hey nothing says lovin' like Chipotle! So I'm in line and I see a sign that says Chipotle will be closed on Easter Sunday and that they hope that we have a wonderful day regardless of what we are observing! It seems like a nice message, but it really struck me the wrong way. Has our country fallen so far from God that even a sign will actually say "regardless of what you are observing?" Easter would not be here if it were not for the Son of God becoming a man and laying his life down on the cross so that we can live. There is no question of what we are observing.

This really steams me up. I had a friend at work try and tell me at work about how different people believe different things etc, and try to help me understand how we can just logically explain a holiday devoted to the resurrection of Jesus. I'm sorry, I can't bite on this. Call me narrow-minded if you like but Easter is not about Easter Eggs, a fertility god, or about family time. It's about the Son of God, and I'm not going to be ashamed of it. Jesus Christ is Lord, and He rose on the 3rd day.

Laughter

2009-04-08T00:18:00.004-04:00

Anyone who's ever spent time with me understands that I'm generally a serious person, or at the very least, I have a pretty serious first impression. I take strong stands on my beliefs and I'm very intense in how I present them. However, those that get close to me, I mean really close to me, they learn something else about me...I love to laugh, and I love to make people laugh. I'm as goofy as they come with both a corny and dry version to my humor. The issue is that ever since my divorce, it seems that humor or joy has been lost. I don't seem to laugh much any more. When I do, its just for a moment then its gone again. What happened to me?

I've missed the funny Derek. I really have, and it, at times, has depressed me a bit. So I started praying and asking God to return to me the joy that I once felt. I need more then just human joy. I need the Joy of the Lord. I need that to breathe in my bones. Everyone needs to laugh after all.

Here's the cool thing of how the Lord's been working with that prayer. First, I made a friend that I've spent a little bit of time with lately. When I talk to her, I can't help but laugh because her humor mixed with my humor just brings out what I'm really good at: having a witty conversation. I've enjoyed this new friendship and I feel very blessed to have this person as someone to keep me honest on having a good laugh, especially at myself. A second thing that's been going on is that I've been one of the people mentoring new contractors at work in the past couple of days. Let me tell you that serving as a mentor and teaching these guys how to do our job has reminded me of some of the very joys that the Lord has placed in my heart of the years: teaching. I went home last night from work laughing and joking like the man I used to be. It was great...

I think its something that we don't understand when it come to God: He uses everything and everyone to accomplish His will. Over the past 18 months, He's proven that by the shear number of people He's used to bless my life. Everyone from Laura to Micah to Konan to Lindsay to Nate to Isaac and the list goes on and on and on have effected my life in such amazing ways. In the end I'm experiencing one thing: laughter.

"Delight yourselves in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart."

Closeminded

2009-03-31T20:38:00.004-04:00

One of the main accusations I’ve heard people say about Christians is that they are close-minded and/or narrow-minded. That one has always puzzled me a bit. I can understand that maybe if a Christian was unjustly judging someone, and yes that happens a lot in today’s church; however that’s not always the case. It bothers me that Christians tend to be painted as the villain of a story by standing up for what the Word of God tells them to do. I’d like to share a story with you…something that ingrained itself in my mind. When I was a senior at Ohio State in late 2007, I was walking from my car to the bus stop to get to class. I noticed some Gideons standing out in the rain handing out bibles to students as they walked by. The Gideons said very little if anything at all. They were just handing out Bibles. I found it touching that these men were braving the chilly rainy day to show these students love. When I got on the bus I sat in front of a girl who was on the phone with a friend cursing up a storm. She was complaining about these Gideon’s shoving God down her throat on campus and how they had no business being there. She continued her verbal barrage on Christianity all the way to class, constantly noting things about Christians that weren’t true. So the question I’m posing here is this: Who is really being narrow-minded? Who is really judging?

I saw a story recently about a group of Christians that were going to a district in San Francisco every week to pray for the people living there. One week, while there praying for the people in that district, a local man saw them and started yelling at them and asking why they were there. The group responded that they love the people there and are just praying for them. The man went after them verbally some more before leaving and bringing back friends. Eventually a mob formed around them and began to verbally assault the Christians praying there. It soon became physical and they began to do things like pour coffee on them, punch them, and kick them. All the while they spewed all kinds of verbal judgments on the Christians. Eventually the police, in riot gear, got involved. The police told the Christians there that they needed to leave but they initially refused before the mob grew even more intense. The police eventually forced the Christians to leave. A video on You Tube picked it up with the police escorting them out of the district and the mob hurling things at them, and screaming obscenities at them. In the video you hear one person commenting something along the lines of “You hate us, so we hate you. You’re not welcome here. Don’t come back!” These words were spoken to people who were there for one purpose and that was to share God’s love with them.

So let me ask you: who was really sitting in the judgment seat in these examples? Who was really being close-minded? It seems that as we grow closer to the end times and as our country grows further from God, the tide is turning. Christians are now the ones being judged more then before. That does not mean Christians don’t judge because we do…for all have sinned and fallen short, but its time for Christians to realize that we don’t get the benefit of the doubt any more. We aren’t seen with prestige but with mud on our faces. Its not just Christians who can be close minded, but the very same people who claim to be open minded as well.

Prayer

2009-03-29T16:46:00.003-04:00

I found Gary's teaching today on prayer to be interesting. He made a comment that stuck with me as I went home today. He noted that when we ask God for something in prayer, its about something more then just what we ask Him, but also about something deeper. Ok...I'm paraphrasing here but you get the point. I looked back at my last two years and I realized how many things I asked God without sharing some of my deeper motives. I don't feel bad about it or anything. It's not like I realized I wasn't sharing with God. Sometimes we just need to think and pray about it more...sometimes we just simply don't see what we are burying in our hearts. I can only change the now. As much as I pray now I know I need to get deeper with God. I want Him, and not just because I want a good life. I want Him because when its all said and done, I love being with Him, and knowing He's there. I'm all for a deeper commitment to prayer.

Fingerprint

2009-03-28T01:54:00.004-04:00

This past week I was fortunate enough to get hired at one of the finer companies in the country, at least in my opinion. During the entire onboarding process you have to go through a background check, which being a former military guy was no big deal, along with a drug test, again no big deal. Gees the most you'll find in me is my morning AMP or Rockstar. But when they took my fingerprint, I got to thinking about where I've left my fingerprints. More importantly, what fingerprints are on me. I went home that day and looked around my apartment and I noticed how many fingerprints are still in the house from my marriage. A wire that she ran from the tv area to my computer is still there hanging in its place (man its an eyesore...never should have gave in on that one..lol). The living room is still set up the way she set it up...she's left her mark. The more I think about it I've come to realize that she's left her mark on me for the rest of my life. I'll never forget what happened between us, and my thought life and logic have been forever altered by what happened. The truth is her fingerprint has marked my life. However, my fingerprint is on her life. All of positive and negative actions will be forever with her. Everything I ever did to breath life into her will carry on. We've forever altered each others lives.

So by now you're probably asking...."Derek, whats your point?" While my statement is a much more intimate example, the truth is everyday we leave our fingerprint on someone elses life that will forever alter them in some kind of way. The actions we take form a legacy that is carried forward. Unfortunately, the legacy left behind in my life from my exwife is alot of hurt, but I can not disregard the positive marks she made on me. On the other hand, I'm hoping despite my mistakes, that the positive marks I left on her life will continue to bless her. The marks are eternal! So today when you spend time with your loved ones, or meet new people, I just want you to think of the mark you are leaving on their life at that moment. The way we treat others leaves a finger print... I hope the fingerprints I've left on others are positive. I hope the prints I've left with you bless you more then you could ever know.

Dreams

2009-03-12T01:45:00.003-04:00

I think its amazing that somehow I've managed to hold on to all my dreams and even come up with new ones over the past couple of years. Many of these dreams are God-planted and I know they can only come to fruition by faith in who He is. I think sometimes I try to make things happen that aren't there and since I try hard at pretty much everything I do, those things don't usually always end well. Yet I still have dreams and I understand that while God has given me those dreams, I need to just submit them back to Him. They aren't just my dreams, they are His. I think this is evidenced in everything from my dating life to professional life. I understand that He won't relent until He has it all....He wants my heart. (Great Misty Edwards praise and worship song) Those dreams are part of my heart. I'm going to write out my prayer here. I'm not posting it here to garner attention or to try and take away from private time from Him, but to publicly state what I am giving my God.

Dear Father, thank you for all that you are and if I have done anything this evening against you please forgive me. Father, its strange that I talk to you everyday but yet can't seem to give the simplest things to you. Despite all the places you've taken me in the past year and a half, I still find ways to hold back pieces of myself hidden from you. Father, I have all these dreams buried in me for a wife and a family. I want the opportunity to love a woman again and do things the way you ordained them to be. Oh God to have a second chance...it is my hearts desire. I want to hold a son or daughter and whisper that Jesus loves them into their ears as I put them down to sleep and pray over them one last time for the night. I want the opportunity to raise them up in you with no fear but in your strength. Oh God I give these hopes and dreams to you and trust that you will provide when the time is right.

Lord, you've placed in my heart a ministry for relationships...take this dream Lord and do your will please oh Father. Prepare me Lord. Give me wisdom and the strength to stand in Love. Give me your eyes to see people as you see them, and not as I sometimes see them. Make me into a man that you will use to change the world. Oh Father take this dream....take it and grow it please Oh God. In the meantime, Father please just guide me where to go and what to do. I submit this to you knowing I have no idea what I'm doing and that I need you to hold my hand through it. I can not face this alone. Take my dreams, hopes, shortcomings, strengths, my weaknesses, flaws and fill me with your joy. Take it Father....please just take it. Help me to be myself 100 percent of the time again, not just half the time. Help me to make my friends laugh again like I used to. Help me to be who you made me to be. I love you Jesus and thank you for all that you are doing in my life.

Derek

UFC 96...and Lifechange

2009-03-08T15:53:00.003-04:00

Every year and every time the UFC comes to Ohio, my brother and I have a tradition of putting down whatever money we can and we go. We love going to watch mixed martial arts and its usually our big bonding time of the year. This year was a little bit different because we decided to go all out and get floor seats. I thought it was a waste of money because there wasn't a title fight on this card and I didn't want to spend that kind of money for a card without a title fight. However, the entire thing proved us wrong. Our seats were by the fighter's entrance and exit and believe it or not, at one point we were on TV as one of the camera guys came and got footage of us cheering. One of the guys we were hanging out with confirmed we were on TV! We had such a blast!!!! We met numerous fighters from Junie Browning to Randy Couture. It was such a great time.

However, it was also a sad time. At every other UFC I've ever been to I've noticed some of the wrong things that surround the sport, alcohol, sex, and vanity included. However, last night with the Arnold Classic in town, it really hit me hard at how many people in that arena were lost or maybe even confused. I realized that if the world were to end today a large portion of the people in that arena would spend their eternity in Hell and not with Jesus. It broke my heart. The Lord is beginning to form more of a heart for the lost. It's not to judge but to love and let God do the rest. My prayer is that God continues to each day give me a bigger heart for Jesus.

Also I saw LifeChange today at church. It happened with my brother upon hearing Konan preach this morning. The funny thing is Jimmy told me last night that he did not want to go to church this morning. I stood my ground and told him, "You know the rules, if you stay under my roof, when Sunday comes around, you are going to church." He hushed his mouth and this morning with very little resistance he went to church. Now my brother is very outgoing and has a very commanding presence, but when he walked into my church, I saw him shrink. Something within his heart was humbled and all the bravado went away. When Keri came up to do the frisbee thing with the new visitors, he shied away and I actually had to point at him to get him to take a frisbee. I laughed and said, "Come on Jimmy, you're the same person that can go to all these public places and light it up, but you're going to back away in church." He looked away from me and I backed off not wanting to push him away, but it was very noticeable how different he was behaving. Then Pastor started his message and Jimmy, being HDAD as he is, sat and listened to everything Konan said. He didn't just listen but he laughed with, studied, and digested everything that was said. The message that Konan spoke today was a message that was designed for my brother even though the point of the message was for something else.

When we left church I asked Jimmy how it was and he said it was great and then he proceeded to actually go through the scriptures and the message with me. At this point, I saw an opening and reminded him that God has a plan for his life. He said he doubted that, but I said he did. Jimmy then pointed out a house and sat maybe its that house. I replied with: "No Jimmy, he has a plan for you." At this point he expressed doubt before going back into talking about the message some more! I was absolutely stunned at the sudden change in my brother! What was going on? Well, God was going on. Before Jimmy left I ended up giving him my Bible and reminded him of God's plan. He also wanted C3's website and requested to know where to get the podcast of the message. Man, I hope our guys upload it soon to the site because my brother is hungry. Today is the day I truly realized that Jimmy will one day walk with Jesus again and I believe its going to happen sooner rather then later. Praise God.

Destiny

2009-03-03T00:50:00.003-05:00

I've found that a major difference between now and when I ran from God is that there is a feeling of destiny now in my life. I don't really understand it. I can't really put into words. But I can't shake it and it seems that the people who are around me and know me can see it more then I can. The truth about my life is that I'm a 30-year-old divorced male who until about 18 months ago was sprinting as fast as he could from God. It seems strange that now here I am in front of keyboard proclaim to have a destiny.

I kind of relate to Superman (though I am far from Superman). In his hometown of Smallville, Clark Kent was just trying to graduate high school and try and figure out who he is and where he needed to go. He knew he wanted to help people but how? He didn't know he was going to be Superman or marry Lois Lane or that Lex Luthor would become his greatest enemy. He just knew he had to move forward. Thats where I am...I don't know who I'm going to marry, I don't know how many children I'm going to have. I don't know how God is going to be using me in 10 years. I don't know anything but hints and clues. I know, like Superman, that I have a destiny. I'm not saying that I'm going to become a larger-then-life hero or anything like that. I just know that God has his hand on my life.

Do you have a sense of destiny?

"Pick Up Your Sword"

2009-03-01T00:42:00.002-05:00

Micah and I went on a pilgrammage of sorts this weekend. We rented a car with money we don't have, and drove 11 hours starting before dawn on Saturday morning to Kansas City, Missouri. We encountered cleared skies, cloudy skies, and finally a snow storm just outside of the city. We came here seeking the face of God away from Columbus just so we could focus on our walks outside of the disturbances of everyday life. I wanted to focus on God and get some of the garbage cleared out of me that has lingered in me for most of my life. So we went to my friend's place and made our way to the International House of Prayer (IHOP). Its a 24/7 house of prayer where people literally fast and pray there every day...and night. It was a great opportunity to just spend time in God's presence and seek His face.

So we went to the prayer room for about an hour and a half and got soaked up for the evening and then we went to get food with our friends. We then went to Saturday night service and listened to Mike Bickle teach on the Book of Revelation...well more specifically the 6th seal of judgment. It was interesting and I'm definitely going to study it, but honestly thats not why I was there. I was there to seek God's face. I was there to get healing in my heart. I was there wanting my God to touch my life. I've never been so hungry for God. I've never wanted Him more then I did (and do) tonight. So when Mr. Bickle finished his teaching he invited anyone who needed prayer to come up and I looked at Micah and I got up and went to the front. I started praying and decided that I was not leaving until God touched me.

I continued to pray but I started getting the feeling in my core that I needed to pray for the man next to me. In my mind I questioned God and said I was there to be prayed for...who am I to pray for anyone? Finally I gave in and turned to pray for the man next to me just as he was turning towards me. He said, "Hello my name is Lonny, and I think God wants me to pray for you." I said I thought I was supposed to pray for him and we decided to pray for each other. I prayed for him and sure enough God gave me a word for him. And then he prayed for me...and he had a word for me. He said God loves me, and that I needed to focus on the cross. He reminded me of the my salvation and how I was washed clean. Something like that anyways. We prayed a little more and then chatted for a second before Lonny hooked up with Micah and they talked for a bit. I said I wasn't done and walked back up to the altar. I wanted more.

I began to imagine a heart with wounds. It was torn and shredded. I started to see that heart mend until it was a whole heart again. The cycle repeated itself and I intensified the prayer. Then another man came up to me and gave me the same exact message as Lonny gave me. At that point it really hit me. God wasn't wanting anything major at that moment. He wasn't wanting to tell me about all of my future plans and etc. He just wanted me to know how much He loves me. Ever since I lost my marriage, I've fought so hard for others in trying to encourage them that I think I've really missed the understanding of how much He loves me. I've always known how much He loves me, but it wasn't apparent either. It wasn't until tonight when two different men whom I've never met came up and gave me the exact same message did I understand how much His love is real. I finally understood that His blood has saved me, but His love has also healed my heart through the cleansing healing power of His blood. It was a breakthrough moment for me. I'll never forget the realization of God's love that came to me tonight. I asked for Him to change my life...and in that moment, He did.

I still stayed there though...and prayed a little longer. I just asked talking to him and before I knew it I was speaking out loud the words that began to flow in my heart. "Pick up your sword, you are a member of the Army of God. I love you and you do love Me. I will always be with you, and you will always be with me. I will never leave you, so pick up your sword and fight."

These words are huge for me because I've always wanted to be a warrior. He knew exactly what he was saying to me. He knew how to reach my heart. He knew how to get to me...and he did. He has validated me and loved me. He has anointed me and commisioned me. What a mighty God we serve. What a mighty God indeed.

Why Do We Do the Things We Do?

2009-02-24T01:06:00.004-05:00

Its been awhile since I've written. Usually I can boil over more words then I can say, but recently my words have been few. I made a mistake a couple weeks ago that I'm paying for now, and I've been too ashamed to share it. I can tell you that as a result of it though, I stepped down from a role that I absolutely loved, and have sought to correct the issue. But the issue burns... Why do we do the things we do?

I've been through alot in my life, more then I can really ever say. I've been down the roads of abuse and abandonment, and I've walked down the paths of joy and love. I've gained much and lost plenty. However, in all my experiences I can't really shake why I did what I did. The truth is I don't know. God provided the exit routes. He gave me plenty of opportunities to run from the situation. I didn't do it for the same reasons that men do what I did. So why did I do it? Well, the only conclusion is that there is something deeper within...a monster I haven't faced. When faced with this I made a conscious decision to face it head on. I'm not going to risk whatever ministry God has for me. I'm trusting Him to tear whatever this is out of me, and heal the open wound with something new and pure. So I went to my pastor and confessed my failure. He stood behind me and talked with me and, to be honest, gave me love I did not expect. He also recommended a couple books for me to read, "Every Man's Battle," and "Wild At Heart." Both of these books have been recommended to me, and I pretty much blew them off. Not this time. I went ahead and told my pastor, as a sign of faith, I was going to pick up the books and get to work. I kept my word.

So I'm in "Wild at Heart" now...and let me tell you: It's jacking me up. So many things it pinpoints...especially with Daddy issues. Now I'm adopted, having been abandoned by two fathers. When he adopted me, we got along fine for awhile, and I certainly treasure all that he did with me early. I especially remember the first time he took me fishing...I even remember the month and year, May 1988. I remember that the Angels were in Cleveland playing the Indians in old Municipal Stadium and we taped the game while Dad and I went to Berlin Lake. He out caught me 8-4 in fish, and my Angels beat the Indians 8-4. I treasure that day still.

However as the years went on, Dad and I grew apart. He became engulfed in some personal issues and he and I didn't get that time together. We stopped getting along. As a matter of fact, one night when I was singing at church, we got into it badly. When we were done, I had no voice. By the Grace of God, I was able to sing that night and He didn't see it happen. When I left for the Navy, we were barely on speaking terms.

Over the years, my dad and I have come to an understanding. When I'm around he enjoys my company and we talk, but nothing deep. I've always felt like I never got his approval for anything in my life. That became apparent to me as I dug into "Wild at Heart." I never had his approval.

So today I called my dad, and I said to him, "Dad, I have an important question and I really need to know. What kind of man do you think I am?"

He said quickly, "You're a good man."

I said, "Dad, are you proud of the man I've become?"

"Yes, I'm proud of you," he replied.

Finally, I asked him, "Dad, what kind of man do you think I'm going to be?"

He stopped with a pause and said, "You're a better man then me."
With that he went to work, and I finally had something I've craved for all these years: my dad's approval. Now that I think about it, I've probably had it all along. After he got off the phone, my mom got on the phone and told me he had this proud look on his face. It means more to me then he'll ever know. I also know that I've already had my heavenly Father's approval.

One thing I want to add about my dad....he's a good man...He took in 3 kids with no thought. He did what he could with us. I'm forever grateful.

So I'm taking this journey now into my soul. I'm completely trusting God to dig out all these things in me that have torn me apart and held me back. I believe this is one of the first steps I had to take. The interesting thing is that God has an amazing sense of humor. Ever since this happened, he has been using me to speak life into even more people's lives then before. I think its His way of showing me that He's not done with me and that He's going to use me. I hope you all stick along for the journey. I hope you find something useful out of all this rambling for yourself. I pray that God uses my story....from today and in the days prior to touch your life. After all its at the end of our story that we find out everything, including why we do what we do.
He who began a good work in me will complete it.

Chasing the Lion

2009-02-12T23:04:00.000-05:00

So I've been reading Mark Batterson's "In a Pit With a Lion On a Snowy Day," and in the midst of reading it, I've been seeking God on what exactly He wants me to do. The truth is I've known for 15 years what he wants me to do, but the hows and the whats have been getting in the way. I did not know if God wanted me to stay in Columbus. I did not know if I should go elsewhere so I started taking class with the Ohio School of Ministry. I started applying for jobs in Columbus, Georgia, Florida, etc. Well, its become clear, and what I'm going to do is a huge risk, but I refuse to look back in 10 years and regret not going for it.

When I'm ready, I'll talk about it. A few people know what I'm doing and I'm content with that. However, I don't want anyone to try and talk me out of it, so I'm zipping my lips. I must do what I know God wants me to do...even though it scares me.

7 Miracles

2009-02-10T20:17:00.002-05:00

So I've been reading (I know who would have thought it) Mark Batterson's "In a Pit With a Lion on a Snowy Day," and let me tell you he's dead on. I'm also slapping myself for like being the last one to read it because apparently almost everyone has except me. Ha! Anyways he said something early in the book that has me thinking "why not?" He wrote that he's been praying for 7 miracles to come true in his lifetime and he's believing for them and I thought, you know...that's pretty cool. So you know what....here's my 7:

1. For the salvation of person number 1.
2. For the salvation of person number 2.
3. That God would use me to touch 1 million lives. (Lofty number, but why not)
4. That C3 Church would play a role in the salvation of over 1 million people (ooh....lofty too)
5. That my entire family would come to know Jesus.
6. That I'll see Jesus before the rapture (nothing wrong with wanting to see Jesus)
7. That in my lifetime we'll see a revival of unknown proportions in our country.

Tell me what you think....and just for giggles...let me know if God has used me to touch your life....might as well start the tally now.